Pulling Myself Out of Depression.....

I've been on a downward spiral since last fall....and lately it's becoming a real problem, so I'm trying to do something about it. It's mostly situational, but I'm fairly sure there are physical components, but the health center I went to  can't find anything wrong or they won't test what I want them to. I think there is evidence that I'm hitting mid life and there are hormonal changes...ie....the beginning beard is a dead give away!...

Situationally, I've been running on stress and such for so many years, I feel like I've just hit a wall lately. I was married to a guy from Norway for 12 years who was diabetic w/ late onset complications. (we lived in Norway because they have socialized medicine) About 2.5 years into the marriage, he had a stroke and his personality changed, he couldn't read any more, didn't do his art, was vision impaired and couldn't drive or even tell what coins were what if he went to the store, and became somewhat paranoid. 5 weeks later, our first child was born. We went through family therapy for a while and when things finally stabilized, kid nr 2 showed up....and 4 months after that, he had a new stroke and then his transplanted kidney began to fail, followed by more amputations-leg and fingers, another stroke, dialysis, umpteen rounds of pneumonia, epilepsy, mood swings etc. He died in 2003 from a ruptured artery from arterial sclerosis. We moved back to the USA in 2005, and I've been in NC for two years with my girls trying to get my business off the ground, but between the economy, exhaustion and other stuff, it's just  not going where I'd hoped etc. I don't make friends easily, but have a few,  and the guy I have been involved with lives 3000 miles away and I have not seen him in 17  months. My oldest has hit teenhood in all it's 'glory', and my youngest is very stubborn and a little hyper. Luckily, I'm not the suicidal type, but I'm also running into a rut and life is getting out of control. I end up feeling negative about everything...I know intellectually that I'm talented and basically a good person , but emotionally I feel like crap.

I've started seeing a therapist and went to the health center for tests. Sounds like they want to put me on antidepressants. I've been on them once before, and am a bit leary as they made me gain weight, made me more lethargic, or gave me horrible nightmares.  I've got to do something to pull myself out of the "pit of despair"(what movie is that from?), and I'm actively trying....I'm just frustrated, depressed, lonely and tired of feeling like this!
jeannius jeannius
36-40, F
Jul 24, 2007