My Struggle With Depression

So basically, i've been depressed for a while.  I'm a sophmore in college and my depression began first semester.  It all roots to my self esteem and how i view myself.  I hate my teeth....a lot.  When my parents got divorced, my father left us and never paid child support.  So he owe's my family over $100,000.  When he left, we lost our home, our lives, and money for braces.  I never realized how bad my teeth were until last semester, and i'm obsessed with fixing them.  There is also this girl.  She is very special to me and we had a thing going last semester, but my insecurites got the best of me and i didn't take advantage.  She is  now in love with someone else, and it kills me.  We are good friends and i've told her about my depression, but in the process of telling her everything that's been going on, i've also given her my heart.  She says we will never go farther than a friendship and she wants to marry this guy, so it's totally hopeless and i live with regret for not making a move.  I've never felt this way about a girl because i've never opened up my soul to anyone like i have with her.  I still care about her so much, but it's hard to be just friends.  She knows how i feel, but what can i do?  Also, like a lot of people, i've been suffering from the recession that the U.S. is in.  I couldn't find a job over winter break and i currently have $30 to my name.  I've never been those broke before and it's so depressing.  I still have to try to find ways to pay for my cell phone bill, my summer school bill, and i am trying to pay for invisible braces.  I've been smoking weed since the second semester of freshman year, and i can say i am addicted to the feeling i get from it.  No one but my friends know, but i know i've changed because of it.  I'm more anxious and sometimes i feel like i am going to have a panic attack when i'm high.  On the weekends, i binge drink and blackout to forget all my problems.  I've recently started cutting my wrist and now i have scars that remind me everyday.  Only that girl knows that i slit my wrist, but little does she know that a lot of those scars are from her.  I wonder how did i get to this point, how did it get so bad?  I fell on my elbow a couple of months ago and it's still bothering me.  I love to work out, so it is hindering in my performance at the gym.  I've lost 15lbs since the beginning of last semester and i hate it, but i dont have any money to buy the supplements which i used to buy when i actually had money.  My mother has been suffering as well.  She has horrible knee problems and she thinks she might get laid off from work.  I hate to know that she is going to spend money for my braces when she should spend it on her knee surgury.  I feel guilty and selfish, but i hate being depressed and i don't see myself getting any better until my teeth are fixed.  How can i be happy if i am not happy with the way i look?  I haven't spoken to my father in almost 7 years, and i tired to contact him the other day, but his number is disconnected.  So now i never know when i will see him.  He could be dead for all i know.  I want to tell him what is going on in his son's life, but he doesn't even know.  Another selfish motive is to try and get some money out of him.  I figure since he owes my family so much money, why not give me money to fix my teeth?  I hate seeing everyone with nice teeth, i don't even smile much because i'm so insecure.  If i do, i smile a certain way so the nasty parts of my teeth don't show and it's so embarassing.  Think of not being able to smile like a normal person?  This depression is definetly taking a toll on me.  I haven't been focusing on my school work as much and i've cried for the past 3 weekends.  Things haven't gotten better and i just don't care about anything anymore.  Life seems to drag everyday and i feel so alone.  My mom doesn't understand what i'm going through because she turns everything around to make me look like the bad guy.  My best friend, my roomate, doens't like to express his feelings, so i don't talk with him in an emotional sense.  And that girl, well she is the only one that undrestands, but i feel that since she is in love and with someone, i shouldn't bother telling her anything anymore.  She has her life, she is happy, and that's jus the way it is.  For me to move on, part of me wants to just forget her, ignore her, and kick her out of my life.  But the other half still wants to be with her and i think i'm selfish for wanting to boot her out of my life.  It seems wrong to stop our friendship because i can't deal knowing that she is in love.  But the biggest thing i live with is the regret of not winning her heart last semester.  I had it in the palm of my hand, but my ******* insecurites (aka my teeth) got the best of me and i drew away.  And now i'm alone. 

aurora89 aurora89
18-21, M
4 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Your mom sounds alot like my mom in a way. My mum though ignores problems thinking they are no big deal and if she ignore them, they will disappear. lol..she's passive aggressive. Noone has a right to tell you to 'get over it' or anything else unless they have walked in your shoes!...Yes, I too have a very addictive personality myself, but the pills are hard to get hooked on as they don't do anything to you to make you feel high. And you can also get a sliding fee for doctor's visits if you can't afford it. Very cheap. U could go for about $15 if you meet the guidelines. And there are other programs to help you too. And if your mum thinks you're 'crazy' who cares if she thinks that. Maybe she does already, who knows. Take your mental wellbeing over her opinion. Anyway, that is up to you, but I do think it would help alot...yes, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought there wasn't everytime I got depressed, but ended up after taking my meds, to find that light everytime. The misery WILL end. It has to at some point, but I know what you mean...when will it??? The waiting here is killing me....The last few sentences of the above post hit home with me. I know what it feels like to think you lost the one made for you and nobody can ever replace her...But, you know what? I thought that a few times. Like my first husband. I thought that noone could ever be as perfect for me as he was. That I blew it and would never find another like him. Although I will always love this person, I did find that there is more than one 'perfectly made for you' people out there. Not just one. Hang onto that hope. As I now have a wonderful husband that I wouldn't leave even if the first one came back to me. This person is also perfect for me but in different ways. And he too understands and loves me. Hang in there. It is HARD. During my first divorce I got so depresed and my ED really got bad. I barely left the house for a year but to go to the store and I got sooo skinny I was like a walking skeleton. You could see my bones and ribs and hipbones protruding out. Then I got on meds and met someone new. I've been thru it all and I tell you, that right now looks like the end of your world, but it isn't. It does get better, you just have to hang in there! I try too, but it gets harder everyday...I try to look forward to the day when things change as they often do, and when better things WILL come...they always do... and people. Don't beat yourself up over thinking you ruined it with this girl. You deserve someone who loves you as you are, even with insecurities. What is done is done. U can't change that fact but you can create your future. Yes, as you said, one day at a time, that is the best way to heal... I am glad you are staying away from her for awhile. I really think that can help you alot and when you are no longer depressed, go back and talk to her. You will see her in a different light. I guarantee it. I've been there. And you may even think that you didn't know what you saw in her to begin with. I've been there...to hell and back. I wish you luck! Peace and HUGS to you!

So basically, that girl asked me if she makes me more depressed......i told her yes. However, because i told her this, i feel that things are different. I think she might want to not talk to me much anymore about deep personal issues because she knows she causes me pain. I also feel the same way. I think that i'm starting to realize that it's really over....she can't be won and there is nothing i can do about it. But because of this, i just want to forget her....i can still remember the day i met her and i wish that day never occured.....it's just too painful. I will always care about her so much and if she ever needs anything i will always be there to consul her, but i think it's just too weird for us to be friends anymore. She is really in love with her boyfriend and she's totally changed....she doesn't even go out on the weekends as much anymore. I am not gonna change my lifestyle and stay in with her to hang. I will invite her to come out with my friends, but i doubt she will accept. I guess this is farewell to ******, i hope you have a wonderful life with your bf. I will never forget you. It hurts to know that i blew it, that things could've been different if i wasn't so insecure about myself, but there is nothing i can do anymore. I will have to live with this regret for a long time. I've never met anyone like you, and that is what kills me....i ruined it with the girl of my dreams, the only girl that i've opened up to, the only girl that really mattered to me.

i def understand you when you say no one understands....my mom thinks i'm being over dramatic and i should get over it...but it's not that easy. I won't get over it in a matter of 2 days. So i figure i won't tell her anything anymore. I'll just pretend everything is ok and that should get her off my case....yeah even though it hurts, i think it is best that i stay away from her for a while....she doesn't realize how much i care about her and everytime we talk, she mentions how much she loves her boyfriend, which kills me. She is going to visit him next weekend, and i know it will be hard knowing they are together while i am in a depressed state. I hate to cut ties with her, but my depression won't get better if i continue talking to her. However, i am not going to see a doctor, even though i am cutting myself. I could possibly have something wrong with me, but i don't have any money or time to see a doctor...and my mom would probably think i'm crazy. I've never taken medications, and i don't plan on it unless someone prescribed me any. I feel like i might abuse them. I take adderrall every once in a while, but i have an addictive personality, so i'm not sure if its a good idea for me to take any meds. The only thing that is keeping me going is hoping that there is an end at the light of the tunnel, that this depression will eventually go away. When will it? i don't know, but all i can do is stay alive and live my life day by day. I'm glad you took your time to help me out and i greatly appreciate it. I'm sorry for your misfortunes and i hope everything begins to work out in your favor as well.

I wish I had some wisdom for you or a solution, but all I can offer is my empathy, as I am also severely depressed. I too am having financial problems, hate my teeth and the way I look, have bad friends and the list goes on ... and on... Not many people understand when someone is depressed. They think it is a choice and you can just 'snap out of it'. If that were true, I don't think there would be any depressed people running around. I guess if it were me, I would just cut ties with this girl for awhile if not forever. It is obvious you are still in love with her and she does not feel the same way back. I am sure that is very painful, but until you can get your depression and love for her under control, you shouldn't spend much time around her or it may only prolong your depression or make it worse. Stay away for awhile if you can, until you can feel better so it doesn't upset you as much. Sometimes, it's best that we are not around certain people in our lives, as much as we love them. I guess I would say to focus on something you do like about yourself whenever you feel badly about something you don't like. Try to focus on positivity. It is nearly impossible when you are depressed. But, sometimes it does work for me and I just keep trying. The biggest thing that helps me is remembering everything--all of it-- is temporary. Sooner or later, the misery must end. There is an end to it, although you may have to stay strong to get there. I recommend what I am going to do if I don't start feeling better soon (I have clinical depression and a mood disorder almost my entire life) which is to get back on meds. They make a world of difference. I was on Prozac which worked well for me. Sometimes, even though we have problems, those aren't necessarily the catalysts for depression. I myself, have a chemical imbalance of serotonin in my my brain. Maybe you do too. Please see a doctor soon. You are beginning to self harm. That is a bad warning sign. But, then again, as I said, I go thru this stuff myself, and don't have an answer for myself. But, I hope something I said helped you. You are not alone although it feels that way. There are many many of us out there, all feeling alone...