I don't know what else to do. Well, I should start at the beginning. Back in January my Mom got really sick. She had double pneumonia in both of her lungs. She came close to dying, but miraculously, she has has made a full recovery. She also quit smoking after 46 years. She has stayed smoke free for over two months, and she has made a huge recovery. In fact the doctors are saying that she has a very mild case of emphysema in one lung, but as long she she remains smoke free, as she has, she can look forward to a normal lifespan. And the longer she stayed smoke free, the better she'll get. Anyway, lately it seems all I do is worry. I am worried about Mom and her health. Well then back in May, she started back smoking again. At first, it was just two or three a day, but she's back to around ten a day...which is still down from two packs a day. I will tell you what happened. She went to the doctor and found out her O2 levels have gone up to 96% which is awesome, and I have a hunch it's lulled her into a false sense of security. So we made a deal. If I could lose 30 pounds, she'd stop smoking. I was making steady progress, I'm fact, I had lost 21 pounds, going to 269, until about three weeks ago when I went on a weeks vacation for my birthday and I've packed on the weight again and now I'm back to around 275. So, I've decided to up my game and I have totally given up one of my few vices, and I have quit soda pops. It makes me so mad that I'm the one sacrificing here, but she won't lift a damn finger!

All I do is worry all the time about my job and how no matter how hard I work adn what I do, it's never going to be good enough in the eyes of my boss. And when I don't worry, I get depressed over my life. It seems like everyone I know is more successful than me, having more fun than me, and here I am constantly getting spat upon by life. I'm very tired right now. Tired of getting my hopes up, tired of being an optimist, tired of praying and hoping that God will hear my prayers...just plain tired, exhausted. I haven't been happy, truly happy since the day my mom came out of the hospital. Since then every day I have spent worrying about her, praying she wouldn't relapse into smoking, and doing everything I could to keep our home stress free to keep her from smoking...and it was all for absolutely ******* NOTHING!

I quit. I give up. I don't care anymore. Why does the world want me to suffer? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I go through like without safes falling on my head every time I have a moment of happiness? It's been like this for 32 years, and quite frankly, the end is not in sight.

And it's not just my mom, it's EVERYTHING in my life. To give you just two of oh, so, many examples. I graduate from college and I spend $200 on ringside seats to a WWE event as a gift. Me and my Dad wind up getting lost on the way to the arena, and miss the whole show. My sister takes my little nephew to a braves game in Atlanta, and a tv producer sees them and on a whim takes them to meet Bobby Cox

I pour my heart and soul into a video game podcast and I just can't get listenership to increase. My sis, on a whim starts a blog about cooking and gets interviewed by half a dozen newspapers. I just tired of everything. I don't know how to deal with all of this blowing up in my face

The worst was when we went to Disney World ten years ago. I got into the hot seat for millionaire play it. I was jazzed on this since I love game shows. I was doing great until I got back to the hotel and my sister and mom tell me that my saint of a sister Katie just found out she's pregnant.

Maybe I need to find me a shrink. With any luck I'll find one who will give me a bucket full of happy pills and I can just float my way through a haze of artificial, chemically-produced contentment. And let myself get turned into a vacant, inert, Stepford-Smiling Zombie. It sure will beat what has become of my life

I want to be happy...I wish I knew why I can't.
JepMasta JepMasta
31-35, M
Aug 20, 2014