It's Just Getting Too Hard.

I first began my battle with depression/anxiety when I was in the 1st grade.  I had an extremely abusive teacher that would hit me for things as trivial as not correctly coloring an Easter egg, or sneezing too much during class if I was sick...  Fast-forward to age 13 when my father died in an airplane crash.  It was single handedly the most crushing experience of my life and in many ways I have still not come to terms with his death...I am now 29 years old. 

Most days I struggle with getting out of bed and forcing myself to go to work (even though I telecommute 4 days a week).  The depression and anxiety has become so extreme that I'm seriously considering ending it all for the first time in my life.  Whenever I'm criticized at work I have to fight every single urge in my body to scream at everyone and quit my job. 

The catch is, I have a loving girlfriend, a fairly decent life if viewed objectively, and have everything to look forward to.  I can step back and see this for myself, however, on a day to day basis I am overwhelmed with feelings of depression, anxiety, and doubt.

My job is a bit on the stressful side and I'm constantly obessed with the thought of being fired and ending up living on the streets...or worse...having to live with my mother.  This thought plagues me every second of every day.

I know that I am not unique in feeling these feelings, as I'm sure most of you can identify with my feelings of despair and anxiety.  I currently take 150mg of Lamictol a day (was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder) and often have to take ativan just to relax after having a more severe bout of anxiety.  I also take seroquel nightly to go to sleep, otherwise I am overwhelmed with thoughts of how I'm going to get through the day, or how some awful event will occur that will ultimately ruin my day. 

I can't begin to communicate with you guys/gals how desperate and defeated I feel daily.  Does anyone have any advice for me?  Possibly a way to cope that I have yet to explore that isn't a new prescription (I've tried most...zoloft, celexa, effexor, welbutrin).  Honestly, I can't even believe I'm posting offense to anyone...but I just never thought I'd try something this desperate for help.  If I can't get these feelings under control, I am seriously doubting my ability to carry on.

downandout357 downandout357
31-35, M
2 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Thanks Muffintop. Sorry to report that over a year later not much has changed with me. I hope you're feeling better.

I don't think it is desperate at all that you have turned to pouring out your heart and soul to anonymous strangers on the net. I too struggle with my emotions on a daily basis. I find that constantly being surrounded by normality and people who appear stable and secure makes me feel ashamed of my inability to just get over it and be happy. <br />
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It helps to hear that other people feel powerless to change their view of themselves and the world. I am at the point where I think there is no way I will ever be able to 'fix' myself. We are broken people but I hope there is a way forward. Your issues appear to stem from childhood tragedies. Find comfort in the fact that there is a root cause for your ongoing distress. Unlike you, I have no real understanding of why I feel in constant despair and that makes me feel so much worse.<br />
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I know we can't compare our situations but i have contemplated suicide many times. I'm not really in a position for giving advice but i am finding it very therapeutic to read about other peoples experiences and write about my own. You say your job is stressful so maybe you need to take some time out for reflection? Something to think about.....