I Dont Know!

I don't know how I got this bad.  I can cry any time any day any where, I have never been this bad! I have everything I could ever imagine, and worked so hard to get it that way, I just don't know what is wrong with me and why I cant fight it! I don't have issues with suicide and would never even consider it, I just cry and cry and cry.....I cry without thinking about anything sometimes! I dont think I am a very healthy individual, mentally and physically, I am loosing my hair to alopecia, I honestly can say I have not had a solid bowel movement in over five years, I am constantly tired no matter how much sleep I get and I am never motivated to do anything...not even go to work! I only go to work because I know I have bills and rent to pay and I only go out of the house when I absolutly need too.  I have a boyfriend I haven't seen in over three weeks now and I have no motive to ever spend time with him.  I know I should go see a Dr. but I am too scared, I am too afraid of what they will find or how they will treat it, I feel like all I will do is cry and I refuse to pay someone to watch me cry.  I always think negatively but never realized it until a few days ago, I know my faults and I know what I need to work on.  But I choose not too.  I just found out I am going to be a first time aunt and I am not even happy about it, I want nothing to do with anything!  How do I fix this? How do I go on with out crying? 

likwidsnd likwidsnd
26-30, F
11 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Lik, I respect your tenacity toward controlling it all yourself. I dont think I can do it anymore, yet I keep telling myself the same thing. I can do it for one more day. I can get through this crisis. I am so burnt. <br />
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The intensity of my depression right now is from my husband and his illness. I cant cope with this permenant disability stuff like I thought I could. I am only 40. Just a few years before we are empty nesters. Been married 19 years. I dont know where to look for hapiness.

I really don't know how Psyc docs work. Ive never been to one, but I am sure they can! I didn't make the appoinement either....I have been trying to keep from stressing so much at work and I really think that has alot to do with how I feel. But I know its not the entire reason why I feel like I do, I am going to keep trying to take it on by myself...I have been talking to my bf alot and told him how I have been feeling, so we have been talking it out and he's been helping me some by listening to me as I cry on his shoulder. I know this isn't the answer but right now it's working....I keep telling myself I have to call the dr but never do...one day I will and we can both leave messages on here saying how great we feel! Do you think alof of your issues come from dealing with your husbands illness??

I again didnt make an appt. <br />
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I did talk to my son 14, told him we are getting help. He was really open said he would try it. Our family seems upsidedown. <br />
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I am thinking we can go as a family first get some meds and go back for individual therapy. My husband has already been a patient for over 6 months.<br />
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Do the psych docs work like that?

I didnt' either, I forgot to call. I am going onto my benefits page after this and looking up new dr's so I can call tomorrow for sure!

I didnt do it. Did you? I will tomorrow.

I think we really need to support each other KeepGoing! I will make the call today and keep you posted! You do the same!

I feel you 100%. I am going to make an appt too.

Your right, I should just make the appointment! I shouldn't care what people think of me and I need to realize that doctors deal with worse stuff than depression!!! My problem is now I need to find a doctor I can undertstand...my area is heavily populated with Dr.'s who are of Hindu decent and it really is difficult to understand them! Ok ok that really sounded like an excuse not to go, I know, but I am willing to travel to find the Dr who can help me! I had a meeting the other day at work, and it wasn't anything bad, just a meeting with my two managers and my other co workers and it really made me want to burst out into tears as I sat and listened! I held my composure very well I must admit, but thats not healthy either. I feel once I start letting it out I will never stop crying until I run out of tears! I understand there are people out there who have it much worse than what I am going threw and I really feel for them, I just need to get the strength to deal and move on! I will keep you posted once I do make that appoinement and see what the Dr says!

Your right, I too know I have a serious condition. And I know I have to deal with it so I can deal with all the other aspects of my life more effectively. <br />
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Mental health is such a bummer. I have put things off though because I AM embarressed not to be able to keep my composure. I never thought I could be like this. <br />
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I even had to have my mother in law confront the nurses at husbands last hospitalization because I couldnt do it with out crying, and it wasnt even a big issue, just when the IV antibiotics would start. <br />
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I am not helping our family as well as I could. I am not suicidal though, I do know that. I just need to be able to think and go about daily business with out feeling everything is my my responsibility and that I might make a mistake. <br />
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That statement in itself is reason to get my butt to the doc. (I also know I need meds, but I hate pills). <br />
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I want a quick fix, not another long journey and more responsibility.

Listen, it sounds to me like you have a serious condition. It may be difficult, but at this point you really must gather all the strength you can and make an appointment with some type of doctor. You need some kind of professional help and if you truly value your life as you say you do, then you MUST do this for yourself, not for anyone else. And if you are worried about crying and being embarassed while you're there, don't be! Who cares what others think? You need to put you first and make things right in your own life.

I feel the same way. My husband is ill (no hope of recovery) I am working two jobs and am crying as I write this. <br />
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It is embarrassing. I am scared to make a doc appt, because all I am going to do is cry. I think I might cry making the appt.