I Am Depressed

I'd like to start by saying that I am not suicidal.  That being said, I think being dead would be easier than this is a lot of the time.  Waking up is the worst - knowing that you have to get through the whole day without letting anyone know you're miserable - without breaking into tears or screaming at the top of your lungs.  Not being able to talk about it because they'd just think you're whining or overly emotional. 

And then there's the constant expectations.  My family, my friends, my director, my roommates... Constant questions to be answered and favors to do.  The just-as-constant guilt for not being around more often.  Trying to keep the house clean and get all of the work done and make sure there's time to visit my sisters, all while pretending to be fine.  To even enjoy it.  Which I'm fantastic at, by the way, so no one knows...

If the expectations aren't enough, then the critism sure is.  "The new carpet looks cheap," "Well the house is certainly not clean," "You're just not doing well enough in the program..."  And it does, and it's not, and that's true.  But I just can't keep up.  No matter what I do, I feel set up for failure.  And I just really, really need someone to understand...

Jo22 Jo22
22-25
6 Responses Mar 28, 2009

i struggle with depression most my life,but what really gets me is my Dependant Personality Disorder

I'm sooo beside you on that. I also have that unfortunate task of bending over backwards, trying to be nice to everyone, hearing complaints and having to put on that cheesey effing smile and pretend that everything is hunky friggin dory just to get crapped on all over in the end. But i do it! My husband is always asking if i'm crabby, or mad, and that alone makes me mad. I want to cry, scream and throw things, but the expectations won't let me. Just from experience, i've tried to let people know my feelings, well THAT didn't work out so well for me. I guess i'm not allowed. Since i've always been such a pushover in the pas. Grrrrr! You hang in there, I'll hang in there!

I'm sooo beside you on that. I also have that unfortunate task of bending over backwards, trying to be nice to everyone, hearing complaints and having to put on that cheesey effing smile and pretend that everything is hunky friggin dory just to get crapped on all over in the end. But i do it! My husband is always asking if i'm crabby, or mad, and that alone makes me mad. I want to cry, scream and throw things, but the expectations won't let me. Just from experience, i've tried to let people know my feelings, well THAT didn't work out so well for me. I guess i'm not allowed. Since i've always been such a pushover in the pas. Grrrrr! You hang in there, I'll hang in there!

Yeah, it's hard for me to get out of bed every morning too. It's mainly the sometimes crushing tediousness of life that I feel a lot of the time. Get up, go to work, try not to fall asleep from being so tired, go home, eat dinner, do nothing, go to bed, rinse and repeat. I completely understand and I know many others on this site do as well so don't worry, you're not alone.

I know how you feel. Not exactly, but in a way. I am very depressed too. I haven't been to see any doctors and am not on any medication. My depression, I believe, comes solely from wanting to be loved by a woman. For as long as I can remember now I've basically lived at my computer. Never really going out and doing much and meeting people. But I have met a lot of people online, a lot of girls. I even fell in love with someone, only to be screwed over every time. My stupid old heart fails me at every possible opporunity :(

>>>>HUG