I guess you can say I am taking a bit of a break. Actually that’s not accurate, I am taking a lengthy  break and want to shutdown. Turn my brain off, let it all go away I long to sleep like Rip Van Winkle, let me wake in 20 years.  I am trying to catch myself before it is too late, but I feel far away from safety. I am a castaway on my own mental island.  All around me is darkness as I have dove deeper into my psyche than ever I have before. I am fearful this long black continuum is my only fate. Classically I am depressed, but I don’t feel depressed. Repressed, better describes my feeling. Stuck is another. I am stuck.  Trying to get unstuck is proving to be a monumental task. Mired in this morass, my only respite is a video game.  A purely digital oasis of make believe.  It’s my last tether to reality, which without I fear I would go insane.  I am good man. I believe I have some damned good qualities too, but somewhere along the way I got lost, and can’t find myself. I’ve cut myself off from family and friends as I search.  But I am too much of coward to seek in earnest. Fear links the mesh that binds me. Fear is who I am; a pathetic excuse of a man whose downfall has been his pride. Worse yet I have the tools to make it better, but they lie on the shelf collecting dust.  I have failed. Happiness was never meant for the likes of me.

Smokeseek Smokeseek
36-40, M
15 Responses Mar 31, 2009

If you need a friend I am here too *hugs* someone who understands what your feeling.

I'm totally in the same place as you when you wrote this.<br />
I too scared to seek help and i wish i could end everything...

Saddens me to read this story but also I can relate on so many levels, I hope you are able to find the happiness you seek one day and know you have a friend out there that understands...**hugs**

in the mind lays great depth of thought... in the soul is where feelings find a home...<br />
<br />
empty your mind..fill your soul

Thank you Flour. Its comes and goes (the depressive feelings), it makes it tough to make any progress because I keep falling back after I forward to a bit. But I am not ready to throw in the towel. Writing and sharing about them makes me feel better.

its hard to come out when you feel you cant. ill keep you in my thoughts and hopefully you will move forward when you are ready!

Thanks GirlFlower...deeper healing, yes, I need a complete lobotomy :) or just erase my memory.<br />
<br />
PM -- I will go ahead and read your story. and yes the gift of your friendship has always been a great blessing.

YEp YEp, I agree..with you smoke, find your silver lightining....<br />
<br />
Good that today is a good day in the neiborhood :P<br />
<br />
When you need cheering up just think of, that B-day gift I gave<br />
<br />
Oh! and read my "smile" story that may help... hehe

flower lifts her head a little to look up at Master SmokeSeek...perhaps You need some ...deeper healing

Thanks PM, some days are better than others. And some days everything catches up to me. I am feeling a bit more optimistic today. I am doing the best I can, and for now I need to accept the fact I really cant do more at this point. :)

My friend, not good :( <br />
<br />
What happened? It all seemed to start working out for you. <br />
You know hun, we all have moments in our life were shutting off seems like the best thing, but I can assure you, that you have much more than you know. And you are loved more than you realize. Perhaps a new hobby may help, try writing more often, that always seems to cheer you up, or maybe engaging in a more active life style, be it yoga or going out w/ your friend, for a movie, coffee, or what ever???<br />
Just try to keep busy without forgetting "ME" time, to relax and meditate. <br />
As a reminder ::::::<br />
<br />
****KISSES*** AND ((((HUGS)))))

Thank you Wyn. I will keep that in mind.<br />
<br />
Sleepless your sage advice is priceless.

i can understand you Smokey very well, i was at the same path as you a few years ago. take your time to calm down and find real you. Save yourself from all things you HAVE TO DO step by step. Do it if you really want to do... we all have some responsibilites in our life but sometimes we are not aware about our responsibilities and we act like a slave. Seperate your job and your life first, work is not your life... then focus your life... whats wrong about your life style? find it... focus your family then... you are not just a husband and dad... you are a human and need time for yourself too. Add some fun to your family life and do something what you like for yourself too. for example, if you like to go to movie but your wife doesnt want to go a movie... go to a movie by yourself, enjoy it for yourself, relax. do something you love to do... i wish you the best my friend. you know im just a click away from you :) im here if you need a friend... Hugs*

Thank You Both..It is a struggle. Really it is. I just want my life to make sense, and it doesn't. I will find myself eventually. Working through all the fears that hold me back sucks. They paralyze me. Really I am frozen in place by them. Hence I feel pathetic. <br />
Thank you again for your love and support. :)

im so sorry smoke. im here if you need to talk to a friend. sending good vibes and warm hugs to you...