Desperately Depressed

So, I'm a shell of a person today. Last night I stayed up all night (seriously, I've gotten 0 sleep), I cried literally since 10 30 at night until about 4 this morning....I mean BAWLED!!!!

My back story (note: none of this are EXCUSES for anything, just want to put out there why I am who I am today, because of my experiences in life).

5yrs old-dad beat us, 6 yrs-molested by stepdad *1st time, 10 yrs-mom died, 11 yrs- became a heavy drug user -coke and heroin. 11-16yrs-molested by older brother, 8 uncles, 1 aunt, 3 of family member's boyfriends. <----over a period of 5 yrs, not at the same exact moment, but yes, overlapping.

16yrs-  got placed in State care, group homes, mental hospitals, homeless, half way homes, rehab <---was the best thing that happened. Then I went to "transitional house"...

18yrs-met my boyfriend. At 19yrs, foster care...........then on my own, also at 19 yrs - Raped by a friend of someone I knew. Got pregnant, and put my son up for adoption ( he was born right before my 20th birthday)...

I've been with my current boyfriend now for 6 years, first two years were Awesome!!!! Best guy EVER, Now, I don't blame him but here's the sitch:

For the last 2 and a half yrs, we argue almost everyday, I'm depressed off n on, and I also have anxiety attacks. (lovely mental hell diagnosed me)<<note sarcasm>>, I don't regularly suffer symptoms, but when I do, I seek some type of help...Now, lets call my Boyfriend <<Ray>> "Ray" has not been diagnosed, but from his behavior, He's been acting really OCD, I mean - It gets BADDDD

I told him this is wat I think, & that he should see some1 to sort that so it stops interfereing in our relationship, he says " yeah, ok" But doesn't; Finally (we've talked about this over 30 times) he just admitted, quote: He knows that something is wrong, But he DOESN'T WANT help. He said that we need to just live with it.... Well, no, I can't. I kno that I cannot influence or FORCE him 2 do n e thing, But I won't stand by while he suffers n takes me down with him...I've come to the conclusion, I need to move out.

So that's what's happening, it's final, but I'm so alone and afraid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For all this time, it's just been me & him, I don't have ANY family, I've been lucky enough to meet some nice people in my life, But no one that would drop ANYthing in their life for me.... Just casual, but when I'm down n out, no 1 (I'm not exagerrating) NOT ONE person, wants to hear me out. I'm the shoulder most others lean on, it's just my personality. So no, I really don't have ANY one.......

That's why it took me so long to come to this decision in the first place. But, That's where I'm at today, again, No excuses..... Just events that have led up to a certain point (part of them were my choice, some not). But this is why I'm desperately depressed today., I've landed on my feet after all the above, But I'm getting tired..... I just want to rest, & I can't yet. There's plans for me still.... Please, if there is at least ONE person that understands, just ONE.....please...

Contrarthodox Contrarthodox
26-30, F
2 Responses May 27, 2009

HI, i'M not sure when you posted this, but I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you. This world is tough and I know whats it like to be depressed and have no one to understand you or no one to support you. I just want to say chin up, you deserve better, seek help from your doctor and perhaps give yourself a new lease of life by going to college and releasing your potential. I know its really hard to feel motivated to doing it, but keep going, I know you can. <br />
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I hope the best for you, and I will keep hoping everyday that you are one step further to getting back on your feet:-)

Grannym is right, you should look at this as a new beginning, and you have been through a LOT so this is a small hurdle in your path in comparison to what you have dealt with in the past. Im sure you can find someone to stay with while you get on your feet. <br />
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So don't be depressed, everything always works out in the end I believe. I wish you strength right now and I hope you are able to still find time to laugh and smile.