What's Wrong With Me?

I'm flawed, allright. I just don't know how to make it better.

I was born with the ugly gene, I have an endocrine disorder that keeps me fat no matter how much I work out, and I have a learning disability that makes my understanding of numbers practically that of a 3rd grader. I have bad kidneys and chronic back pain. I have A.D.D. so it's very hard for me to focus my energies on one single project and see it through to the finish. I would love to get medicine to correct my disoders, but I am unemployed and have no insurance. I have put applications in all over town and had two interviews, both of which turned me down for unknown reasons. I would try to find a job in another town, except that I have no car.

I have been severely depressed for about 2 solid years, and the only reason I'm not homeless is because of my dear friend K., who is allowing me to stay with her for free. I have lost all of my friends because they have moved away and we lost touch. I can't rely on my family because they are all unreliable and have taken advantage of me in the past.

I feel so extremely alone all of the time. At times, I believe truly that I would be better off dead. There seems to be no hope for my situation. Unless someplace hires me soon or I come into possession of a car soon, I see not much I can do to better my situation. K has helped me tremendously by allowing me to live here, but there isn't anything more she can do for me. And I wouldn't even want to ask her.

My life is down the toilet and I have no idea how to save it.
SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
6 Responses Jul 15, 2010

No problem! : )

I totally agree with your mom. It takes me just as long to figure out math WITH a calculator. lol<br />
Thanks for the advice!!! *hugs*

: ) My mom said the worst thing about having dyscalculia was that people would get frustrated and tell her to use a calculator. Problem was, everything would still 'look wrong'. She often would say she would spend money like a drunken sailor and not feel bad about it because when the bills came, she'd have to send them to someone else to manage anyhow. Bills didn't depress her at all thanks to dyscalculia! She was kind of funny. <br />
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Maybe try resting for a few hours every day in child's pose, or recovery position. If yoga hurts or strains your muscles you might need to see someone who instructs/leads yoga and ask them to give you some tips on how to adjust the poses to make them more manageable for your body. I tore my ACL so there are a few poses that I need to modify so that I don't injure myself. <br />
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Takesthebrokenwings: Thanks for your comment! How sweet!! I am very thankful for my friend, I love her more than anyone. Yes, the numbers thing is dyscalculia. I do yoga regularly and it does help with my back pain, but the last couple of times I did my routine, my back felt really strained so I haven't done my yoga in a while and my back has felt better. I think I was over-doing it. lol

I looked through your pictures that you put on your profile... You aren't fat. You have beautiful bone structure and you have such beautiful eyes. I love your hair. I have curly hair too, so i'm slightly biased. You're lucky to have such a great friend. Those don't come along every day. I'm sure you know that though! Thats too bad that your family isn't reliable and that they've taken advantage of you in the past. Does your state have a program where you can receive medical care at no cost? Depression is something that is quite serious and often makes everything in life a lot more difficult to deal with. The numbers thing.. Is it called dyscalculia? My mom had that. She was brilliant though. Horrible with numbers... Kidneys and chronic pain. Yikes. That is really rough. Have you ever done yoga? I find it helps with back pain. You could always marry a Canadian and get free health care. That might be a viable option... Possibly? :) <br />
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You're very sweet, Hedge. Thanks for the never-ending support and kind words.