Who is afraid of death? Not me. We all have to do it and I also believe that it isn't the end of my existence. If I am wrong, I won't care. If there is nothing after death, I will feed the animals that fed me. I will return to my beginnings. Hopefully, I will have left something good behind me to justify my existence.
First, let me explain what is happening in my life. Most of you know that I have been having a few medical problems since June of last year. In July, my body tried really hard to die, but those pesky doctors stopped it at the last minute. No ****. Even they were surprised that I lived. And they still can't explain it. The upshot of it is that my heart is screwed. Both the front and back of it is scared by heart attacks, it is mishapen, and it beats abnormally. My heart also slips in and out of Sinus Rhythm at any time it chooses. That little dickens also has a surprise waiting for me. It beats irregularly and has a range from 38 beats per minute to 130 beats per minute. It picks the number it likes without any help from me. At some point, unknown to me, it will drop to zero and I will stop writing these stupid stories.
So how do I feel about the trip ahead? In some ways I look forward to it. I want to know what is on the other side of death. But I am not ready to go yet. There are so many things that I have not yet done. There are so many things that I have not yet seen.
This stage of my life started with my wife and myself. Then, together, we finished raising one child and raised three others. No complaints here; we loved them and did our best for them. My wife and I never had a honeymoon. We have never taken a trip by ourselves. We have never had that alone time that all lovers need to enrich their relationship. The economy and my medical bills have caused us to change our priorities again to regain solvency. Even though the kids are now grown, we are still in a position where we need to help them financhuly.
I am not mad at my kids. None of this is their fault. But I'm really pissed off at life. I'm really pissed off at myself. All the things that my sweet wife and I have put off until "later" are still put off. And I think I am running out of "later". In my sadness and anger, I have been striking out at those closest to me. There is an old saying that "life isn't fair".
But I have had a great life. I have been privileged to live for over twenty-five years with a woman who I truly love and who truly loves me. I have raised three good and decent children. What could be better than that? I swear here and now that I will stop blaming others for my future and live the rest of it in peace. If I am able to do some of the things I wanted to do with my wife, great. If not, well, it was a good ride.