Why Now?

     Who is afraid of death?  Not me.  We all have to do it and I also believe that it isn't the end of my existence.  If I am wrong, I won't care.  If there is nothing after death, I will feed the animals that fed me.  I will return to my beginnings.  Hopefully, I will have left something good behind me to justify my existence.

     First, let me explain what is happening in my life.  Most of you know that I have been having a few medical problems since June of last year.  In July, my body tried really hard to die, but those pesky doctors stopped it at the last minute.  No ****.  Even they were surprised that I lived.  And they still can't explain it.  The upshot of it is that my heart is screwed.  Both the front and back of it is scared by heart attacks, it is mishapen, and it beats abnormally.  My heart also slips in and out of Sinus Rhythm at any time it chooses.  That little dickens also has a surprise waiting for me.  It beats irregularly and has a range from 38 beats per minute to 130 beats per minute.  It picks the number it likes without any help from me.  At some point, unknown to me, it will drop to zero and I will stop writing these stupid stories.

     So how do I feel about the trip ahead?  In some ways I look forward to it.  I want to know what is on the other side of death.  But I am not ready to go yet.  There are so many things that I have not yet done.  There are so many things that I have not yet seen. 

     This stage of my life started with my wife and myself.  Then, together, we finished raising one child and raised three others.  No complaints here; we loved them and did our best for them.  My wife and I never had a honeymoon.  We have never taken a trip by ourselves.  We have never had that alone time that all lovers need to enrich their relationship.  The economy and my medical bills have caused us to change our priorities again to regain solvency.  Even though the kids are now grown, we are still in a position where we need to help them financhuly.

     I am not mad at my kids.  None of this is their fault.  But I'm really pissed off at life.  I'm really pissed off at myself.  All the things that my sweet wife and I have put off until "later" are still put off.  And I think I am running out of "later".  In my sadness and anger, I have been striking out at those closest to me.  There is an old saying that "life isn't fair". 

     But I have had a great life.  I have been privileged to live for over twenty-five years with a woman who I truly love and who truly loves me.  I have raised three good and decent children.  What could be better than that?  I swear here and now that I will stop blaming others for my future and live the rest of it in peace.  If I am able to do some of the things I wanted to do with my wife, great.  If not, well, it was a good ride.

    

mewold mewold
66-70, M
141 Responses Feb 17, 2010

brian237, I have had Cancer twice. I think we could have quite a conversation. I would like to talk to you using PM's when you are ready. I know where you are at. I know what you are feeling. Take a little breather, and let's talk.

I have terminal cancer. Its the way i was ment to go. So i get on with it. But sometimes i find it hard to believe that its really going to happen. Nobody really thinks there going to die. Everyone feels imortal and death happens to others and not me

Thanks Suz, I expecially am interested it that part about sex. lol

mewold, I believe that you are living life to the fullest, what a lucky woman your wife is to be so loved by you! More people should have your outlook on life.......I hope that your heart behaves and you get to complete your bucket list....luv Suz x

Sweatheart, It isn't a terrible thing at all. There are things I still want to do, but I have had a great life and I'm not afraid of death.

this is just tooo heart breaking . i have the heart irregularities as well. just don't know what to say ....hugsss and tears!!

lufrednow, thanks for the comment. I didn't know it had been featured in anything. I never recieve EP Newsletters. But I also consider it upbeat. We are all going to the end of life, and why let it rob us of our now. I believe in God. So why whine and cry about death?

This story featured in the first EP newsletter I have been sent, since joining EP a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if they only include sad stories in this, but all the ones I've seen have been a bit depressing.<br />
<br />
Actually, you are quite up beat. I suppose one consolation is that, when it happens (and it is 100% certain to, one day), it will be quick. Whatever your beliefs, every account I have read about people surviving near death experiences suggests that the actual moment isn't scary at all. These people have lost their fear of death, because of what happened to them.

nomomisery, I did not mean that answer the way it came out. I do have a juicer and am keen to use it. I think that is a great idea, even for me. My wife can't eat lettice, for example. I don't know what else she has problems with. And I am only talking about raw veges. Thank you very much for your comments.

Thunderwalk, thanks for the words of kindness. When I leave this world, it will be with excitement to see what is next.

My love for you has never lessoned, keepthefaith247. I have even written two stories about you in the experience group "I am a male Mother". They are about your young years and some of the fun we have had.

Bravo . My heart goes to you , when you leave this world I truly believe we will hear a roar of defiance. God hears you , my heart says he is pleased with you. ( Just keep doing what your doing you will never lose ) Winners like you are the best people.

If anyone deserves a new heart it is you my friend as you have given of yours faithfully all your adult Iife , {probably longer, I can only vouch for age 22 to now :-) } Your gifts of wisdom, taught by example to a lucky few, by your stories by those fortunate enough to hear; have spread through this world in ever increasing circles of good...I've witnessed this truth.<br />
<br />
I know it's hard when you have done your best raising four children.. but only three decent ones result. As you said you did your best and that is 100% mewold. I think you are beautiful.

I understand what you are saying ans I think you are probably right. But I am a little long in the tooth to be changing my total lifestyle now and my sweet wife cannot eat raw veges. because of severe sores in her stomach.

What a great comment. DrewMac, yours is also a great view of life and I thank you for sharing. And I will not forget to breath out. :- )

Being funny about death????? Why not.

lololo

RainDancer, I like sunny days. lol

Coyotegray, those are beautiful words you are sending my way. I thank you.

i was trying to make it sound good remember the clouds hear everything

RainDancer, we meet on the other side and my hand is all you want to shake? I am doing something wrong. lol

Sara, thank you my friend. I think of you every day with love also. (and maybe a little lust) LMAO!

when you go and when its my turn wait for me on the fast lane just so I will pass by and shake your hand

Just writing to tell you again what a fantastic friend you are, mewold, and how I think of you every single day, with love.

Andrew Penney......My very good Friend..... You can take my stories anywhere you want and I will go along for the ride. You have had a life very different from mine, yet, in a strange way it has also been very simular to mine. And you have developed great strength of character. My hat (and my clothes lol) is, as always, off to you.

mizzen123, Thank you for your support. There are other times when fear (not of death) grabs me. I am going to write a story about it today.

sweetmeisje, you seem to really *get* it. Thank you for the support. I wish I had your character at your age.

Mewold,your story and your apprroach to life and mortality is humbling. <br />
<br />
I wish you everything you could wish for.<br />
<br />
Mizz x

Thank you, padnar. I am doing ok and my family has helped me through some tough spots. In the final analys, we all die alone.

As you say everyone has to die , I fear pain more than death .<br />
I can never bare pain, so much so that i wish i die . Because of fibroids, <br />
kidnsy stone and infections I was always in pain . <br />
Now due to positive suggestions I am fine . I would suggst meditation <br />
padma

As you say everyone has to die , I fear pain more than death .<br />
I can never bare pain, so much so that i wish i die . Because of fibroids, <br />
kidney stone and infections I was always in pain . <br />
Now due to positive suggestions I am fine . I would suggst meditation <br />
padma

As you say everyone has to die , I fear pain more than death .<br />
I can never bare pain, so much so that i wish i die . Because of fibroids, <br />
kidnsy stone and infections I was always in pain . <br />
Now due to positive suggestions I am fine . I would suggst meditation <br />
padma

Yes, we do lash out in our pain and frustration. I came very close to driving my family away from me by my mean, hateful responses to anything going on that I didn't like. When I survived the surgery, the stress was gone and it was as if I was a different person. I spent much time telling my family how much I loved them and apologizing for my meanness. They have forgiven me. Stress does strange things to a person. My heart is still shot and losing ground, but that doesn't bother me at all like the surgery did. With my heart, I will just fall over dead.

Andrew, you ole softy. xoxoxoxoxoxo ((((((******HUG!******))))))

Mrslcb4rP, I can't tell you how much that means to me. You are a strong voice on EP and I have great respect for you. And anyone who can put up with that guy Penney, deserves a medal. Actually, I love Andrew. I night even turn homo for him. I love you, too.

Andrew, I wish for you such a Happy Birthday that you will be talking about it for years. My friend, thank you for all the support you have given, even offering me the use of your avatar for a BDSM session. What you forgot to tell me was that He was the TOP.................. *******

angeleyes2009, Thank you sweetheart for those words. I have no idea what I may have done to deserve tyhem.

No matter what happens, know that you are loved by many, both in your personal life and here on EP. ((((hugs))))

imannoying, thanks for all the prayers you send my way.

allfrog, thanks for the comments. If I get through this next surgury alive, I feel fairly good about at least lasting 1 or 2 more years. lol

Good luck with the surgery and the "show"

Well, dasmuggler, I go to the hospital Monday, the 1st of March. I am having the neck surgery on Wensday, March 3rd. So I will have at least 2 days to flash and otherwise inflict emothional pain on every one who hasen't yet seen a penis. lol

Hey pard, remember you don't need to go anywhere for a Honeymoon if all that is important is just being there with the one you love. <br />
<br />
<br />
And I don't think you're going anywhere just yet either... there are just too many unsuspecting nurses you have yet to flash... You havwe much work ahead of you

Thank you for those comments. I don't always fee strong.

I agree with lala ninja cakes, you are strong,

Kindal, I hope that the doctors have good news for you after the stress test. Don't worry. I have had more of them than I have fingers, and I failed all of them. The last three, I even studied for. lol Just relax and enjoy what you have. No matter how bad it gets, I garentee there is someone on here who is in worse shape and is content and calm. (Not me , of course.) lol

luvmc11, Thank you for your concern. I try to live each day as best I can. This sometimes ****** off my sweet wife who is really stressed by the whole thing.

I am very sorry for what you are going through mewold. I hope you live each day to the fullest and give and receive much love with those that are precious to you. You are much too ornery to go out without a fight. I have no doubt that you have many quality years left in this life. God Bless You! You are in my prayers.

I have a great idea, PT. We could form a chain, I could be licking pixe, while you are licking me. You could pretend that your tongue is 6 feet long. Of course, you might decide that you are never going to lick pixe's butt again until she gets those hemorids fixed. ROFLMAO!

dam mewold, i loved that that poem or whatever it is for the Pix lady, let me know if you need help licking her off. my tongue is out and waging ready to lick the Pix.

CPAguy, I thank you for all your prayers and I will pray for your wife as well. I don't worry for myself, but I worry that Bon will not handle my passing very well. It is possible, however that I may live several years yet, if I survive the next surgery.

Elf, those are great words to live by, my friend. Thank you.

Mewold......my friend.....<br />
I would offer you my heart and lungs if I didn't have some of the same issues.<br />
I've had enough time here.... I am actually getting bored with it all.<br />
I hope you can stay exactly as long as you want to.<br />
Write your lovely wife a farewell love letter to be found once you take your journey.....<br />
I had the same heart beat irregularities in my mid 20s and many times since....I am just slightly younger than you and I am still hanging in there.......I have had "the elephant" on my chest as well<br />
and have smoked over 4 decades........maybe you would rather have my left foot........smiles<br />
If I am still around after this long you have a chance of living for many years.<br />
If I could lay down my life that you would live as long as you want I would......there is no better definition of a true friend.<br />
Don't waste a moment or have anymore harsh words.<br />
Love as well as you can, and see the wonders of Creation everyday.<br />
Be in that state of Awe as often as you can and when the time does come ...you will be prepared<br />
<br />
Love, Light and Blessings as always,<br />
<br />
Elf

Thank you, LE, those are good words to live by.

youwhodanceintherain, thanks for the support. I think things will work out. I am curious, but I don't want to find out quite yet. lol

pixe light, <br />
pixe bright,<br />
first pixe, I see tonight,<br />
I wish I may,<br />
I wish I might,<br />
lick that butt,<br />
and do it right.

Hello, <br />
Greetings to all. Both my parents died less than a year ago, one suddenly and one was sick for 2 years. I understand that not all situations are repairable and I understand the need to express our selves authentically at every moment especially when dealing with death. Allow your self to be angry when your angry, sad when your sad, to laugh when you find something funny, to be surprised at something new, to be marvelled at something beautiful. Every moment has the possiibility of a different feeling to wash over us, be gentle and non judgemental with yourself. You are in your right to feel whatever comes up as know one can truly understand what you're going through. Laugh and cry.<br />
And know you are loved and supported,

Pixie whats a few kisses betweem a mear mortel and the fairest goddess of all .......

To any who are upset with the way this story changing directions, I apologize. I can only stay serious for soo long, then the real me comes out. :=)

salar, she won't let me........sniff......snork........fart......drip........................

Please do old boy .....

pixe, I want to kiss and lick your butt so bad................lol

salar, I don't think there will be any left over, but I will keep you in mind, ole buddy. :=)

LOL!!!!! ;-) Something tells me Mewold is going to be a bit greedy *wink*

Well in the event that you find yourself with an abundence of pieces ,and feel that you may become some what overcome on account that you arent used to to it , then by all means send them over to me ... LOL

salar1, thanks for the sentiment. I intend to get several pieces before I die. And I am sure they will satisfy me. lol

amyMA, .....

Mewold old friend I hope than you find some piece and satifaction with the remainder of your life ...

Thanks, KW, I appreachiate the thought.

I would hug you if I could.

hugs mewold*

Thank you, brattless, I know you are right. But I still intend to take that trip. lol

kissy49, :=)

AC, I thank you for your kind words.

Andrew Penney, I give you back the biggest and best hug I can ever give.

Dani, you are trying too hard and want to do too much. I have also thought about that when I was younger and again when I found out what my heart is doing. This is how I feel. The part of life that concerns you is the part that you live. When you die, the way the world ends will not concern you. You will be doing other things. It will be up to the living to maintain the world. I love my family and friends and do everything I can to provide a happy life for them. But when I die, I will be somewhere else. It will be up to them to carry on as they want. This life is to teach us what is right and wrong. The next one has a different purpose. Just do what you can in your life to be kind to those around you and let the distant furture be handled by those living in the distant future.

hey man i just joint this site and the first thing i read is your story. next friday i'll be 22 and there has been a few things in my mind these past few years. one is the existance of god and the other one is what you just said. death. i have no problem with the matter but there is one thing that i cant get over with. i really want to know how the world is going to end. we all know that the sun will be out of its power eventually. in my life i always start one thing just to see how it ends and if the ending is not satisfactory for me i'll be very disoppointed. i thnk about what happens the day after i die or a week or a year after and so on. life really is not fair i hate every thing about it and if i had the choice i would never be here. i am not a sad person im just disoppointed. i am famous for being happy and laughing all the timebut in my own silence and quite when i think about the past, the people that i knew the country i left behind, the friends i had that now i have no idea if they are alive or dead i get a strong feeling in my throat that makes me wanna cry i just exit this world for a few moments and i go back in time in my mind and relive my childhood that i miss so much. this is what i hate about life which is not fair, when it goes by it never comes back. well i hope i did not bother you with all this but your post was the first thing i saw and i went back into my own thoughts once again. life is still fun and beautiful if one can forget and not think about the past and just live in the moment and leave everything behind. if you read the whole thing, just let me know... <br />
<br />
...........Dani..........

rewrite16, when I did that, I broke them... lol<br />
<br />
scarooo68, it really doesn't matter to me where it is as long as we are together. Just being alone with her is paradise.

frito414, 91 is a good time to go. But I so wanted to see the turn of the next century. That means I will have to live until I am 155. I have my doubts. lol Thanks for the comment.

GirlNextDoor24, thanks for the comment. I know exactly how your dad felt. Last July, I had given up and was talked out of it by what I think was an angel. I am glad he did. When my time gets here, I will go without crying, but until then, I will live my life on my terms.

mindreader, if it is as you say, that will be very interesting. Thank you for the comment.

Marji, I jumped to respond to your sweet comments because I want you to understand that everything I am going through right now, and the cancer I had 23 years ago,was caused by my refusal to quit smoking. I do love you and my wish for you is a long and happy life.

Miz bunny, it is great to hear from you. Thanks for the kind support that you have given to me. You and all the others here have helped me more than anything I could have done. Gosh. With all the support I have been given here, I may just decide not to die at all. Wouldn't THAT be a surprise.

AP, there has always been a connection between us, from the first time we met on this site. Maybe it was that big banana that your avatar was carrieing in his pants. I was jealous. lol<br />
You are going to be one of the best writters around and I predict that you will venture out into other areas of writting. And I don't mean to say there is anything wrong with your subject now. I think you are will be someone of note in the writting community.

Thank you bellas 31, You know, I might accedentally live another 20 years. My brother lived 10 years longer that the doctors said he would.

where's the honeymoon you and your wife would of loved to go?

Mewold, I also read your story yesterday...was deeply touched but couldn't find words to respond.<br />
After rereading today and finding that you and your wife are going on that honeymoon I'm so happy for both of you. My Dad spent a number of years being told at anytime his heart could go...he lived more than 6 years after that diagnosis and was 91 when he died.<br />
Thank you for your story.

I read you story and i'm almost speachless...almost. It reminded me of my dad who I lost just before xmas to COPD. He was 55 years young and I think in alot of ways he welcomed death because for the last 2 years he suffered terribly and he was just so tired but my parents were together for 30 years but only married for the last twelve and they never had a honey moon or alone time without kids and now they never will. My dad should have been getting ready for a nice retirement to enjoy his wife, children and grand children but instead he was makeing arrangements for when he was gone. I dont know how old you are but your story breaks my heart. You are in my prayers.

You smashed your knuckles into winter

Oh mewold- you know what you mean to me. I am not on very much any more but I pop in at times to catch up, read PM's and chat with old friends. You are truly very special to me and helped me when I needed a shoulder last year when my mom passed away in February. She had a pacemaker, a leaky valve, over the years that eventually led to her death and multi organ failure. <br />
<br />
I am happy that you have had a love that many of us only dream of. You are both important to many of us here on EP. <br />
<br />
I am sending you many hugs, lots of love, hope and remember, dreams do come true :) <br />
<br />
Love, Snowy