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I somehow believe, my feeble dreams in life or different than what my soul’s purpose is here on this earth. Someone deep inside, it unconsciously opposes my earthly dreams, which causes an inner conflict, and prevents me from challenging life for any hope and desires. I always try to receive some kind of direction from my inner self, but I have no clue as to go about it, so most of the time I’m just left feeling hopeless. Hopeless, even with the good days, they seem too few to provide the strength that I need to face all the darkness attacking my soul. I feel like I am failing at life, or have already failed at life. And I have many regrets that seem irreparable which are like scars on my soul and moral nature. I really don’t have the desire to die, but thoughts sometimes of not wanting to exist do. And I always seem to push people away, maybe for fear of them knowing the real me, and as a result I really have no close friends.
blueguy blueguy 51-55, M 4 Responses Dec 25, 2006

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Hi Blueguy,<br />
that's the problem isn't it. <br />
Not wanting to live and wanting to die are not the same thing. <br />
Right now I feel my existence is just consumption - using resources to keep alive a creature I would rather be separated from - me. I once compared depression to Mistletoe - a parastic plant that takes over a tree and lives by sucking everything from the tree. It keeps the tree alive, but the tree is submerged, barely visible, starving, lost...but still there somewhere. There is some part of me still attached to life, still thinking I can live again, but right now I want to kill the mistletoe, even knowing that would be the end of me. And 'me' has memories of passion, love, activity, goals and reasons for living that keep 'me' from making that final move. 22 years of fighting this thing off...very tiring. Can barely even remember why I think it is still worth living...not sure it is...thinking maybe it is just my genes creating the illusion that I am a unique and worthwhile being so I will keep carring them

Well, I see you need a change. Are you ready to change your world? <br />
I just found this song. Hope it make you feel better. If we haven't passed the difficult time, we would known what real smile is. <br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVWVd47F_ls&playnext_from=TL&videos=tCe-OM-qlgs

It is ok to have a feeling like that.<br />
This is LIFE<br />
It goes up and fall down..<br />
Up n down<br />
down n up.<br />
always the same pattern..<br />
<br />
Just learn to stabilize urself with the dynamic of life.<br />
N i could share u some of my xp..<br />
: )

its really insane how i feel identical to how you do, i couldn't of said it better myself