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The Pain Never Fades

My mom died 6 years ago at the age of 49. I woke up one morning to my dad repeatedly screaming her name in the most distressed voice i've ever heard from him. I ran into their room and saw her lying in bed, looking very.. still. My dad was panicking and shook her by the shoulders to try and wake up. I called 911 as my dad performed CPR on her. The paramedics came later that morning to take away her body... Apparently, she stopped breathing in her sleep because of her weak condition.

She had late onset muscular dystrophy and starting showing symptoms around age 35. She became progressively weaker every year. Her last year, she was using a walker to get around, needed a wheelchair to move long distances, was losing strength in her hands (she would drop a bowl of food if she was holding it) and needed help with many things. Luckily, my dad loves her so much and was there for her all the way. A month before she passed I had just started to understand the gravity of her condition and I remember writing in my journal that I wanted to help her more with daily activities like my dad does. Well, needless to say, I never got to do that. I never got to help my mom the way she helped me all my life. I was too young to see or understand all that she had done for me. I will always resent myself for that. Always.

After her death things changed a lot. I was 16, my brother was 19 and my dad was 49. We spent the next few years in constant pain and sorrow and depression and everyone had a mutual feeling of being lost and in disbelief. I know we all didn't want to believe she was dead. I even would have days where I would wait for her to come home from work and hang out with me. I had dreams about her ever since then where I would be helping her with either a chore she couldn't do or in the hospital at physical therapy. I even had a dream she told me she had trouble breathing and I took her to the hospital and she was better.

We didn't get to say goodbye and tell her we loved her so our feelings are unresolved for the rest of our lives. We didn't get to give a final hug and hear her sweet voice. The three of us became closer but secretly all only wanted her and not each other. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her even before she passed. I remember being in class in my teenage years and she would pop into my head and I would have this longing feeling to go home, give her a big hug and talk with her. She had the sweetest voice I have ever known..

I am now 22 and the pain is the same. My mom was the only person I've EVER loved and she just disappeared off the face of the earth forever, for the rest of eternity. I haven't been the same since, I've become cold and withdrawn and afraid of feeling any emotion. My mom was the only one I could talk to and open up to. She was the ONLY person i've ever trusted. Now I trust no one and am always edgy because I think people are only using me for something and don't care about me. Even if they say they do care about me and want to help me, I put this off as a superficial comment and continue my emotionally withdrawn relationships. I resent having emotions because of all the memories from the grieving process. I can't talk about my mom to anyone. In the last 6 years I've told 2 acquaintances (and just mentioned it and did not divulge). When ever I think or talk about her I start to cry and I am embarrassed, hence I don't talk about her. I've never opened up to anyone about her, even my closest friends. We have an understanding that I don't talk about my past and whenever they start talking about their moms I leave the room. Everyone at work thinks I have 2 parents and ask how my parents are and I say, "they're fine! workin hard!" and abruptly change the subject. I don't talk about her to anyone so everything is bottled up... for 6 years and counting. It's fine. I don't see the point besides me getting really puffy eyes the next day.

The pain my dad feels is very literally 100x the pain I feel. He thinks about her everyday and always tells me how many days it's been since she's passed and how he missed her. He has sunken into a deep, dark, irreversible depression and cannot cope whatsoever. He can't control his emotions - when he is sad he is SAD, when he is mad he is.. so mad. It's because my mom was always the one keep his manic behavior in check. Now....... no one. He's so alone..... It pains me to think about him and his shattered heart. She was the love of his life........

I've read your stories and see we all are still grieving and dealing the sorrow will never leave.... and I just wanted to let you know that I feel so deeply for all of you and hope you all find happiness in life.

littlemsscientist littlemsscientist 22-25, F 5 Responses Sep 4, 2010

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I lost my Mother 10 years ago to breast cancer. No ones age at the time of her death or my age now matter because when you lose your Mother - it's like your 5. I was lost. I was alone. She was the person I trusted most in the world. <br />
<br />
Since she's gone, nothing is as pretty, funny, joyous, sweet, bright....etc as it <br />
used to be. And she would hate that I feel that way. I try to shake it but I can't. I haven't laughed as hard as I once did since my Mother died. It's beyond 'missing' her. I ache to feel her soft hands cupping my face, telling me not to worry.<br />
<br />
Nothing seems in place anymore. Finishing tasks doesn't seem to matter. I'm aimless and incomplete without my Mother. I am not the same.

I know exactly what you mean. I was an only child now older, and since her death nothing is the same. Like you i don't trust people they always want something. She never did and gave to me freely, whatever i needed.<br />
<br />
She loved me alot and i her. So here i am a middle aged woman crying almost every day from the pain. I am doing a masters online and that helps some, but many things seem pointless. I have to move not getting along with the roommate and i am torn and not complete anymore. Your right your never really the same. I feel insecure now.<br />
<br />
Life is crazy sometimes, I hope we all can be happy again to some extent. Debbie

Hi. I recently lost my best friend, cheerleader, supporter...well, my everything, to ovarian cancer. She fought hard for close to seven years, and was always upbeat and happy, even towards the end. I think she did this to protect my brother and me. Like with your family, the remaining members of my family are leaning on each other, but all each of us really wants is HER. The shining light in an otherwise unspectacular existence. I am 22, she was 49, and I believe it was just...too soon. There was much more for her to see, do, experience. You lost your mother when you were younger, and she passed young as well - for this I am sorry. Your post touched me, and echoed some of the feelings I have. I think the core of the matter is that very few people will understand what is going on with you - not only do we all have mothers who are different (and I for one think I am blessed to have had such an amazing, influential mother), but we are too. I'm sure you feel resentful that other kids your age still have their parents, and are living a relatively carefree life with "silly problems." I feel this way a lot, but then I know that I'm singularly lucky to have had the mother I did, and the relationship with her that I did. So many don't. As for your feeling guilty about not helping her out - you were only 16! That's when a person is the most self involved...it is just biological. My mother was diagnosed when I was 16, and was in remission and looking perfectly healthy a year later, so I forgot about it. Only at 18-ish did I begin to take an active role in her care...<br />
<br />
Okay I am rambling on now...if you ever need someone to chat with, you can respond to this message and I'll give you my email address.<br />
<br />
Much love.

I know that scream that you speak of, that distressed voice. My father's voice still haunts me, I can't seem to scrub that sound out of my mind. I don't know how to comfort you because I can't begin to comfort myself. I'm just grateful that there is someone out there who has also heard that sound.<br />
<br />
Thank you.

hello, ths is such a touching story, although you stated above you wont believe this but i surely do feel for you, even close to bringing a tear to my eye, my mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer last week and although shes going to be treated and will survive, i just couldnt imagine our family without her, we would just be totally lost, do you have any tips for coping with a family member who is ill? because she will be once her treatment goes underway<br />
<br />
although we have different paths i have had depression too in the past, it feels like its impossible but you need to open upto someone, even on EP will help, nobodys against you :) xox