The Pain Never FadesMy mom died 6 years ago at the age of 49. I woke up one morning to my dad repeatedly screaming her name in the most distressed voice i've ever heard from him. I ran into their room and saw her lying in bed, looking very.. still. My dad was panicking and shook her by the shoulders to try and wake up. I called 911 as my dad performed CPR on her. The paramedics came later that morning to take away her body... Apparently, she stopped breathing in her sleep because of her weak condition.
She had late onset muscular dystrophy and starting showing symptoms around age 35. She became progressively weaker every year. Her last year, she was using a walker to get around, needed a wheelchair to move long distances, was losing strength in her hands (she would drop a bowl of food if she was holding it) and needed help with many things. Luckily, my dad loves her so much and was there for her all the way. A month before she passed I had just started to understand the gravity of her condition and I remember writing in my journal that I wanted to help her more with daily activities like my dad does. Well, needless to say, I never got to do that. I never got to help my mom the way she helped me all my life. I was too young to see or understand all that she had done for me. I will always resent myself for that. Always.
After her death things changed a lot. I was 16, my brother was 19 and my dad was 49. We spent the next few years in constant pain and sorrow and depression and everyone had a mutual feeling of being lost and in disbelief. I know we all didn't want to believe she was dead. I even would have days where I would wait for her to come home from work and hang out with me. I had dreams about her ever since then where I would be helping her with either a chore she couldn't do or in the hospital at physical therapy. I even had a dream she told me she had trouble breathing and I took her to the hospital and she was better.
We didn't get to say goodbye and tell her we loved her so our feelings are unresolved for the rest of our lives. We didn't get to give a final hug and hear her sweet voice. The three of us became closer but secretly all only wanted her and not each other. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her even before she passed. I remember being in class in my teenage years and she would pop into my head and I would have this longing feeling to go home, give her a big hug and talk with her. She had the sweetest voice I have ever known..
I am now 22 and the pain is the same. My mom was the only person I've EVER loved and she just disappeared off the face of the earth forever, for the rest of eternity. I haven't been the same since, I've become cold and withdrawn and afraid of feeling any emotion. My mom was the only one I could talk to and open up to. She was the ONLY person i've ever trusted. Now I trust no one and am always edgy because I think people are only using me for something and don't care about me. Even if they say they do care about me and want to help me, I put this off as a superficial comment and continue my emotionally withdrawn relationships. I resent having emotions because of all the memories from the grieving process. I can't talk about my mom to anyone. In the last 6 years I've told 2 acquaintances (and just mentioned it and did not divulge). When ever I think or talk about her I start to cry and I am embarrassed, hence I don't talk about her. I've never opened up to anyone about her, even my closest friends. We have an understanding that I don't talk about my past and whenever they start talking about their moms I leave the room. Everyone at work thinks I have 2 parents and ask how my parents are and I say, "they're fine! workin hard!" and abruptly change the subject. I don't talk about her to anyone so everything is bottled up... for 6 years and counting. It's fine. I don't see the point besides me getting really puffy eyes the next day.
The pain my dad feels is very literally 100x the pain I feel. He thinks about her everyday and always tells me how many days it's been since she's passed and how he missed her. He has sunken into a deep, dark, irreversible depression and cannot cope whatsoever. He can't control his emotions - when he is sad he is SAD, when he is mad he is.. so mad. It's because my mom was always the one keep his manic behavior in check. Now....... no one. He's so alone..... It pains me to think about him and his shattered heart. She was the love of his life........
I've read your stories and see we all are still grieving and dealing the sorrow will never leave.... and I just wanted to let you know that I feel so deeply for all of you and hope you all find happiness in life.
littlemsscientist 22-25, F 5 Responses 2 Sep 4, 2010