I Am A Different Person Since My Mom Died 2 Months Ago And Am Very ScaredHello and thanks for reading my story.
I am a 35-year-old man who was always close with his mother. She was the light of my life since I was born. 3 years ago my father had a minor stroke and his personality changed. He and my mother became like oil and vinegar after 43 years of marriage. This reached a terrible climax when my dad filed for divorce from her 2 years ago but refused to move out. My mother spiraled into a nervous breakdown. She stopped eating, overly medicated herself and unbeknownst to me for 2 years became an alcoholic. I live in London and my mom was in Los Angeles. I went home several times a year to help her with professionals, doctors and rallied her friends, family and neighbors around her. She became abusive verbally to me over time. These 2 years were extremely difficult to endure. She told me constantly that she just 'wanted to go to sleep and never wake up'. I would have moved home to help her, but she would not let me. She gradually shut the world out with her depression and drinking.
My mom died in her sleep on September 12, 2010. She looked peaceful when I first saw her dead which gave me comfort. Since that day, my life has been forever different. The worst part is that she was starting to get so much better the last 3 months of her life. She was eating, getting out, wearing make-up - almost back to her old self. Our last conversation on the phone was beautiful - I will never forget it. I know that she knew I loved her more than anything in this world.
For the 6 weeks after mom's death, I was completely numb. It did not seem real, while I grieved tremendously, the real feeling of loss did not set in until about 2 weeks ago - right after the 2-month mark. I have realized that she is gone and have become extremely angry. Angry at how she could do this to me. Angry at the fact that she had to leave when we had so many years ahead. I am so depressed. I have pains in my body and am losing a great deal of weight. Slowly I see myself shutting out friends and loved ones - people that have cared for me during this time and others that have let me down. I sleep a great deal. I think of her every moment of every day. I go to work and on the weekends just want to be alone. The thought of Christmas makes me cry. I feel that I will never be truly happy again. I have no immediate family to turn my attention toward - just a father and brother 6,000 miles away that I am not close to. What now?
Sometimes I can be happy but it is short-lived and only when I am with other people in a social setting. Going to the gym and work seem to be my only healthy outlets but those are waning as well. If things progress as they are, I will be a lonely man sitting at home with absolutely no one. Will things ever get better?