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I Am A Different Person Since My Mom Died 2 Months Ago And Am Very Scared

Hello and thanks for reading my story.
I am a 35-year-old man who was always close with his mother. She was the light of my life since I was born. 3 years ago my father had a minor stroke and his personality changed. He and my mother became like oil and vinegar after 43 years of marriage. This reached a terrible climax when my dad filed for divorce from her 2 years ago but refused to move out. My mother spiraled into a nervous breakdown. She stopped eating, overly medicated herself and unbeknownst to me for 2 years became an alcoholic. I live in London and my mom was in Los Angeles. I went home several times a year to help her with professionals, doctors and rallied her friends, family and neighbors around her. She became abusive verbally to me over time. These 2 years were extremely difficult to endure. She told me constantly that she just 'wanted to go to sleep and never wake up'. I would have moved home to help her, but she would not let me. She gradually shut the world out with her depression and drinking.
My mom died in her sleep on September 12, 2010. She looked peaceful when I first saw her dead which gave me comfort. Since that day, my life has been forever different. The worst part is that she was starting to get so much better the last 3 months of her life. She was eating, getting out, wearing make-up - almost back to her old self. Our last conversation on the phone was beautiful - I will never forget it. I know that she knew I loved her more than anything in this world.
For the 6 weeks after mom's death, I was completely numb. It did not seem real, while I grieved tremendously, the real feeling of loss did not set in until about 2 weeks ago - right after the 2-month mark. I have realized that she is gone and have become extremely angry. Angry at how she could do this to me. Angry at the fact that she had to leave when we had so many years ahead. I am so depressed. I have pains in my body and am losing a great deal of weight. Slowly I see myself shutting out friends and loved ones - people that have cared for me during this time and others that have let me down. I sleep a great deal. I think of her every moment of every day. I go to work and on the weekends just want to be alone. The thought of Christmas makes me cry. I feel that I will never be truly happy again. I have no immediate family to turn my attention toward - just a father and brother 6,000 miles away that I am not close to. What now?
Sometimes I can be happy but it is short-lived and only when I am with other people in a social setting. Going to the gym and work seem to be my only healthy outlets but those are waning as well. If things progress as they are, I will be a lonely man sitting at home with absolutely no one. Will things ever get better?
nyc99lon09 nyc99lon09 31-35 121 Responses Nov 18, 2010

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I'm so sorry I really am. My mum died 6 years ago now and even though, like everyone says, time heels I still feel like a part of me with never be the same again. I'm not sure how much help it'll be for you to read this now but I promise it does get better. The first year is the worse. You feel so numb and when you don't you feel so sad/angry/devastated/let down. Even now I still find myself thinking "I'll call mum" when I hear something I want to tell her and reality comes crashing back. You can't! I use to cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling so disappointed I'd woken up. I was so so close with my mum and similar to you we'd been through so much as a family when she'd had a nervous breakdown. It seemed so cruel that after years of treatment she'd got better only to end up dying of cancer. I look around now and think why us?? Why do some people get such a s**t deal. It won't seem like it now but I promise all that love your mum gave you when she was well and here on earth WILL carry you through. And one day they'll come a time where when you think of her it'll make you happy not sad. It's not easy. The more you love someone the harder it is to say good bye. But she's still here inside you. Just look I the mirror & imagine she's watching over you. You have to live your life for the both of you now so once the pain stops crippling you, once they hours speed up and the sick feeling in the pit of your tummy fades you go out and live life like it's the best gift in the world. And one day, when you've lived your life just like your mum wanted you to, when you're old and the times right you'll see her again. It's like the song says "we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but I know some sunny day we'll meet again". Be strong when you can, break down when you need to and just keep going forward. One step at a time. Good luck. Xxx

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Yes it will get better. Time and patience with youself to heal is important.

My mom died 3 months ago. It was the hardest thing to plan her funeral. The stress of her being sick on oxygen,she had COPD,stage 5 kidney disease. So I kind of prepared myself for "what if". I feel your pain. I cry EVERYDAY this past week has been hard. The past 2 months I told myself she was away and is coming back. As i walked into my living room and saw her ashes in her velvet box i cried, very hard. Sobbing...then i knew she wasnt coming back. It will get better hopefully.

I read your post today because I lost my mother 3 months ago and my pain and suffering I feel getting worst every day I don't know what to do, just looking in the internet people with my similar problem to see if I can found some mental comfort. She was the only person I had since I'm not working since 2000 for disability from my back due my many years working as waiter in a very busy Atlantic City casino, that destroyed my back from the neck all the way down. She appear healthier than me but cancer was silent
destroying her inside. Since the day they detect it she live 17 days at home and I was almost 24/7 taking care of her when I myself need medical attention because my heart is in very bad situation. She has some help from Hospice Services, but they only stay 24 hours for the first 3 days she was at home. I remember the happy she was in the ambulance the day we comeback home, she as a joke told me "I never dream travel in a luxury taxi like this" She left this world 15 days latter with really two days of bad suffering, I not want to sad you what things I have to do by myself this last two days.
We are very poor because when I was a waiter never claim my tips to the IRS and my SS check is only $ 860. 00 and hers was $724.00 we never took food stamps because with our 2 checks we managed to live decently as poor people.
Now my car is broken because the storms we get this year damage my brakes and other things; since her burial I can't go to visit her tomb that not even have a mark or something that I want to put there I hope in a few days I can find someone to give a ride to there and the place where to buy a decent headstone that she deserved. I used some of our money to buy the plot next to her, that was in a hurry because they told me that they buried the people in order of coming and if I want to be next to her have to pay for it asp.
I'm been to long in my explanation but I don,t have any body to talk about. I have a brother but to you have an idea of his fillings the New Year night he was with a girlfriend enjoying the party at one of the casinos and not even call
to say happy new year to our agonizing mother that was asking for him, but this is another hystory.

i just want to say that my mother is not dead..she turns 60 next month and im so scared..im her only one. i love her and her whole life has been so hard..coming from an abused household where she never knew her father and her mom always working..then when she got older and met my father he was very abusive aswell..my life is not that great either as in my late teens i was in the hospital for depression because i was so confused about my life and my father not being there for me. my mother is the best and toughest person and i feel terrible that im now 25 and still stuck trying to find my way.i was in the house for 2 years depressed now I'm in and out of colleges trying to graduate and find passion. i want to buy my mom everything i want her to feel loved..reading all your stories made me sign up and make an account..you are all lovely people and i dont know how you guys have dealt with a lose that close to you. i dont know you but i love you all. im so scared that she turns 60 and only has like 20-30 years left if im lucky.. i know some of u would sell some years off your own lives just to have a day with your mom again. life is so hard sometimes

I lost my sweet Mom to alcohol and depression 3 days before this past Christmas > I read this and wept deeply. I feel the same.

You mention that she knew you loved you more than anything else in this world. Know that she loved you the same, if not more. A mother knows her child so much more than they know her. There was obviously a time period where you weren't shown the love from your parents that you should have received. Understand it can't be filled or replaced now by your Mother because she is gone. It's a hard gap to fill because your inner child wants/needs that affection but your outer adult self makes you feel silly for feeling that way. I don't know what your relationship is with your Dad, I get that you said you are not close. Does that mean you have serious issues? Otherwise, an awkward apathetic phone conversation can still give some sort of comfort, even if in a round about way. After all, your Mom saw something in him. If you don't feel that way then think about YOU. You are something. You're important because you're here. Make a statement. Stop napping, do something to make your Mom proud. Something that makes you feel great. It's not easy to drag yourself to do it but make small goals...a small walk, a bigger walk, a small run, a bigger run, a marathon...something...something that marks you. Says, I am here and I can do this. Look forward to hearing from you.

It is terribly hard to loose a parent no matter how old one is. I lost my mom nearly four years ago, and though I still miss her terribly, I always try to remember that she wanted the best for me. I try to live my life in a way that would make her proud, and when I feel really down in the dumps, I remember that she is watching over me and that she will always be looking out for me.

I tried 5 times to respond cuz of my events. God damn ads screw it all up

I lose my mom a year ago but everything seems not real like you im a changed person, im happy and positive at all things and im turn into someone i tought i will be mad all the time and not talking to anyone my mom is my bestfriend, we do everything together. I remember what she always told me she want a better life for me so i come to my senses that i got to be happy for her coz i know shes watching me all the time so i wanna make her proud in heaven be strong andvalways be positive

My mum died in a different situation but I still feel angry, lost and devastated. There is no answer and sometimes emotions just overwhelm you. I find spending time remembering her and how she would enjoy and respond to my life comforting, but also allowing myself to grieve that she isn't taking a physical part in it. Nobody will ever take her place because nobody will ever care and love me like her so this is a life burden. But not to have felt that love would be worse.

This is coming from a teenager. My father passed away when I was only 5, only two years later did I find out that he died from his injuries from a car accident. I remember only a few memories of him. I hugged goodbye as he was leaving to get a few things my mother forgot to get at the store. After that hug, he never returned, and I wondered why. When I found out that he had died, I changed dramatically. I was a happy boy, living in ignorance, just having fun, then I got the news from my mother and grandmother. I am now 14, taking care of my ill mum. I grieve every once in awhile even though I vowed to stay strong and protect my family. I know how you feel, not because of personal experiences and stuff like that, because I took a minute to step into your shoes and feel your sadness and anger.

You are such a brave boy. It's okay to feel sad. You are going through too much. More than any child should have to endure and there's no escape because you love your family. Your Mom is so lucky to have you however, whilst you're busy taking care of her, you are missing out on just being a happy go lucky kid. But, you know what? Enjoy her, make it fun, relish this time. You will have lots of time to be the kid inside that wants to just let go. It will come. You are an amazing wonderful boy!

<p>My Poor mum has been diagnosed with cancer,shes loosing weight rapid and in lots of pain,Shes 81 and yes its a good age but its my mum so if she was 100 i would still not want to lose her!<br />
Im 50 and i moved back into my mum and dads in January 2013 after yet another failed relationship of mine! <br />
My dads 85 and had cancer 5 years ago but as it was caught very early by accident he got through it and is now clear :)<br />
Im glad i moved back in now as im looking after them both and i hate to see mum like this,i love her and dont want to lose her.<br />
I have no childred,i have a decent job,i have lots of friends and we go out every 2 weeks without fail,what im trying to say is to look at me even at my age i look like a real jack the lad tough nut,<br />
after every failed relationship i have moved back in with mum and dad for 4/5 months..i spose all in all i have spent 40 of my 50 years in their company AND i have loved every moment of it!Up untill recently i was still taking mum to asda to do her shopping! i cant sleep at night shes totally on my mind,when im at work or out with friends shes on my mind 70% of the time!<br />
My point is you people who have lost your parents are obviously gutted and i feel for everyone of you!<br />
But as i have no wife/partner/kids i feel and always have felt that my mum and dad were my only family i had and wanted.<br />
Im happy i spent many years with them !<br />
im not depressed as i have thought this years ago "when my mum passes i will stay to look after my dear old dad and then i will have had my lot,i will be content at having spent my life mainly with the 2 people i love more then anything in the world!<br />
There is not much more for me without those 2 people in my life,other people here have families to help them get through my family mum and dad,<br />
As i said im not depressed this is somthing i thought about many years ago!<br />
Obviously i wil do nothing untill they have both passed and then it will be my turn.<br />
I have good friends but ive ben going out with friends at weekends since i was 16/17 i could say i have had enough if my parents are not here no more.<br />
any thoughts any1 ?</P>

Your parents are blessed to have you and you're all so fortunate to have enjoyed each other's company for this long. BUT also is the dread of their deaths... So when the time comes you can help ease them out of this world, surrounded by your love. And with any luck, when your time comes, their spirits will be surrounding you too and you will be reunited. We just lost my dear Mum at 88 years old, similiar to your Mum but her pain was controlled at the end mostly. and how I wish I was living with and caring for her like you are now! I only was there with her the last couple weeks but it was a beautiful opportunity to give back some of the care she'd always given us. I just think you are doing such a good thing for your dear parents... I too am childless and I feel guilty saying it but I am world weary and I envision the time when I will, as you say, have had enough... But also you are only 50 so there may still come along the right person to make you want to stay around for a while longer even after your dear parents are gone.

I lost my mum Aug 2013 and am still going through the bereavement process. I don't think anyone comes out of a bereavement as the same person, loss of a parent has a huge impact on who we are and how we view our world and others around us. People who we would have turned to for support, guidance and comfort are no longer there, but I sincerely believe that their knowledge and wisdom lives on with us, as though our souls merged over time and even though they are no longer physically here a part of them will always remain with us.

Time doesn't take away the pain of loss, but it does get easier to live with. Memories of a parent being ill and their fading life will be replaced with ones of them smiling, laughing, enjoying life and eventually you will get to a stage where, as you remember your mum, or dad you will be filled with happy memories of them that will surround and fill you with the joy that they brought to your life.
I think we are programmed to forget painful events over time or at least block them out, however the pain is an important part of the healing process, and I would say to anyone, if you feel like crying then cry... eventually the tears will lessen

I hope that everyone that has lost a parent or someone special will reach a point where the pain of loss is replaced by the gratitude and joy at having someone so special come in to their lives and what an amazing gift their presence has been; I am eternally thankful for having such an amazing and wonderful mother in my life and to have known her, for however short a time, is a blessing.

It is November 2013. I lost my mother very recent. I feel exactly like the author. And I have the same question: what now?? will things get better, the pain I mean, easier??

Just lost my mother as well oct 30 unexpectly and I don't think the pain eill ever go away I made a memorial page on face book so I could write to her it helps some but I'm so lost have no one to really talk to my husband thinks I should be able to function jist because I have him and my children he doesn't get how hard this is

My Mom passed 10/25/13. She was 82, on hospice care.She found out 8/16 that she had stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. A little over 2 months later she died. I'm so sad,have never had such a profound sense of loss. I was the main caretaker along with my 3 sisters,but I was with Mom the whole 2 months. I consider it a privledge to have taken care of her the whole time. I too, hope it will get better. I try to keep busy, like, there are so many things to do around my house that didn't get done since I was gone 2 months but I either can't seem to do it or it takes me forever to do anything. I am shutting out my family. I just don't feel like talking to ANYONE. Sometimes, I don't shower for days.I'm not a dirty person I just can't do it right now. I don't want to take medications. I am 53 and I just want my Mommy back! I know she won't but it makes me feel better to say that.

Dear Michele, I too, lost my Mom from cancer, July 2010. My heart goes out to you and all others who have lost their loved ones. My Mom was my best friend and still is in spirit. I understand what you are going through. I was 53 when I lost my Mom too. I was a robot during those early days, mechanically doing things around the house, just trying to get through another lonely and horrible day. And I couldn't shower either! I didn't want to talk to anyone and it seemed all of my friends turned their back on me. The only person I wanted to talk to was my Mom. No one else would do. I wish I could hug you and let you cry and talk to me. I never had anyone. I wish I could tell you that it will get easy soon, but I would be lying to you. Every day is tough, you will cry, feel so hollow and wonder why you aren't better. But, one day you won't cry so much and the next day, a little less. Then a few days later, you will cry a river. It has been 3 and a half years for me, and I still miss my Mom. I still cry. I try so hard to honor her by living by her example. I'm so grateful for her teachings throughout my life as I depend on them now. What would Mom do? How would she handle this? etc., etc. Believe me, this helps get you through the day. I miss her face, smile, voice, pretty eyes and warm hands and gentle hugs. Just as you do. Don't hold back the tears Michele. Let them flow for as long as you need to. Eventually, you will cry less and you will smile when you look at her picture. Talk to her as if she is there, just because you can't see her, I'm a firm believer that we are always connected until we meet again. That's what keeps me sane. I still grab her pillow and hug it, closing my eyes pretending the pillow is her. She was and still is my best friend. You are fortunate that you have friends. Please don't shut them out completely. You'll be glad they are there down the road when you are ready to be with people again. Grieving is a private process, try to explain to them what you are feeling as some people have no idea what it feels like to lose a loved one until it happens to them. Let them know it's not personal. Please stay away from meds and alcohol. They won't help you. Your Mom wouldn't want you to do that. I cry a little less now, but I sure miss having coffee with her or going shopping with her. Now, that it's spring time, the time of year that we both looked so forward to because we shared the love of gardening, I am again, feeling so much pain and lonlieness. Some days are easier Michele, some days are so hard. I won't lie to you. Little sparks of memories will either make the tears flow or bring a soft smile to your face. I too, am hoping it will get easier. I wish for you Michele, peace in your heart soon. I know how empty and starved your heart is for your Mom. As mine is too. I am grateful to God for his words that we will all be together again for eternity. For I will love my Mom till the day after forever. Make your Mom proud Michele and remember her love. Many hugs to you dear.

So sorry for your loss. It does get easier but you will always have that sadness. I do. I cry alot, I talk out loud to my mom and I call her phone # a lot. I google afterlife stuff and can my mom hear me stuff. I talk to my friends about her, they lost loved ones so its nice to have people to talk with that can relate and understand.

It's the worst thing ever losing a parent that your close too. I wasn't as close to my dad so it wasn't so hard but my mom is killing me, my heart is broke and will be until I die.

Just pray a lot to god and ask him to make you stronger, he helped me..

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My mother died seven years ago and I haven't been the same since. I was very close to her I'm the youngest of four. She had a stroke and was paralyzed on her left side. The doctor did a xray and asked us if she had a will. We didn't know of one. He said she would never be able to swallow again and would need a feeding tube and asked us if we wanted him to proceed with putting one in. I of course said whatever it takes to help her. Do it. When my siblings all said no it's not the way mom would want to live. So they put her in hospice and let her starve and did not even give her water. All they did was give her morphine. I begged for a second opinion but never got one because my brother told them it wasn't necessary. My mother asked me for a drink of water and my brother would not allow me to give it to her he said she would choke and I would be to blame for killing her. I prayed to God asking him to help me prove she could get better and thats when she asked me to get her a drink. My brother also told them that it was not necessary for them to keep trying to see if she could swallow after I had asked them to keep testing her. So they stopped. She lived nine days I felt terrible like I had failed her. I had always told her that if anything ever happened to her she could live with me and my husband and I would take care of her. No one would listen to me. Her friends all thought it was wrong and now she's gone. I was called a selfish brat for wanting her to live. I only hope she knows how much I Loved her and would have given my life for her to live. I miss her more then any one could ever imagine. I don't see my sibling much any more. I have a bitter attitude and can't seem to get over it and don't believe I ever will.

Oh my gosh Sosadthe1, that is so sad about your siblings acting like that. You did what I would have done, exactly! I'm the youngest of 4 and they treat me like an outsider. My oldest sister always said I was a spoiled snot, getting treated better then the others, oh poo! They still treat me like a child. I don't talk to them much either, just when I have too, and since my mom just died, were still going thru things and settling her estate. After that I'll talk even less! I'm going to move to North Carolina I think, but need to find someone to go with me, can't go alone when I'm in PA . Anywho, ask god to give you the strength to live a happy life without sadness from your family and the past. Don't dwell on the past, live life to the fullest. God knows what happened, and like everyone told me, it was her day to go back home. Your mom is happy and will watch over you. Take care :)

My mother passed two years ago. I think of her daily. I continue to grieve her passing and feel guilty/failure, believing I may not have done everything I could as her primary caregiver and son. We were very close and continually seek some sign -she probably has provided me with many, but my grief keeps me from acknowledging them fully, other than to be more cognizant of cardinals and roses - both her favorites.

I want a sign from my Mom too, a sign that she's ok. I haven't gotten one yet. I question if I did everything I could too as I was the primary care giver too. When my Mom passed she formed a small smile on her face. Her face was beautiful,I took a picture and I love looking at it, at how peaceful she was.

Don't feel guilty/failure, you did what you could for her to the best of your knowledge and as a sin would. You were there for her when she passed away and that's what count.

My mum died six months ago. We've always lived together except when I was at college and when I travelled away on business. She was taken ill a few days before last Christmas, denying us our last Christmas together, and was in an out of hospital for a while. I spent the last three months of her life trying to get her better treatment because her symptoms weren't being addressed and making arrangements to try and bring her home. I don't feel I spent any time with her that last three months even though I was physically with her for many hours every day. I even got annoyed with her a few times because I just wasn't coping with everything that was happening. Then, even though I knew how ill she was, it came as a shock when she suddenly passed away. We didn't really get to say goodbye.

Now I feel angry too. Not with her any more but I find myself constantly blaming doctors for not providing her with better treatment and myself for not doing a better job of caring for her and for not realising she was so ill a lot sooner. I don't have any living relatives so I've had to deal with this on my own. I've tried to get involved in a few new activities to get me out and I thought things were getting better after about three months but the last couple of months things just seem to be worse than ever. I meet with a few friends occasionally and that's fine while it lasts but as soon as I get back home I just lose all motivation to carry on. I just spend all my time sitting and talking to my mum as if she were still there.

I'm not coping with everyday life at all. At home household chores are ignored unless its impossible to avoid them and work is just an act. I go through the motions at work and try to give the impression that I'm coping, because I don't want my bosses to see how bad things are; if they knew how bad things really were they'd show me the door, because we are losing people at work every week. I've started going to church again after stopping quite a few years ago but I can't honestly say that helps. I'm dreading the winter and especially Christmas. I never used to feel lonely but whether this is a form of loneliness I don't know. I'm sometimes not sure whether I feel sad about my mum or sad about my own situation. I really can't tell. I just know I don't want to carry on like this. So the only comfort I can offer to others is to say you are not on your own. If you feel even 10% as bad as I do right now then you have my deepest sympathy.

My mom passed away two years ago and yes I can say I feel the same way you do, still two years later. I am a nurse and I have had my patients pass and I know they are in a better place. It is different when you are with your mom and she passes, its like the world has stopped. It will get better in time. My mom once told me a broken heart will mend, it just takes time, a lot of time. One other thing to say is take all the time you need to heal from the inside. My deepest sympathy for you

I don't know if you're a dog person, but my poodle is my life line right now. Love in it's purest form. I am having a hard time functioning as well. Animals are the only thing that ease the pain. Or should I say, mask the pain :) . Just lost my Mom before Christmas. She lived a distance so she was to visit for Christmas. Then move in with me come spring. I can't fathom that she no longer exists. 24/7 on my mind. I know your pain. I certainly hope this gets better like everyone says because all I've felt is worse every day. My thoughts and prayers are sent your way for comfort. I talk to a star to the left of Orion, a lot that represents her. I don't know what your beliefs are but faith and wallowing in thoughts of her spirit are all that get me by. It's a good thing I work alone often. People would find me sitting on the floor crying too much. Take care.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I cried as I read your blog.. 5 years have passed since my mum died. I have had two kids since then and it hurts when I see grandparents enjoying their children. I have no babysitter as my dad is way too old to look after my kids.... When things get bad don't do what I did and contact psychics. Boy was I stupid for doing that!!! Ask Jesus for help and he will help take the grief away...

Here here!!

Hello, I just lost my mom Oct 12th 2013, i'm not taking it well, I wanna die.. Are you doing better now that its been a few yrs?

Hi Mickster, So sorry for your loss! Oh my gosh, the same day.. I wanted to do the same thing you did, but she was over an hr away at the hospital then moved to a nursing home close to her home and closer to me but I know someone else is in that bed, she was only in it for 15 hrs then died. I can't even go past her apartment bldg. or visit her good friend that lived there.

I act like a baby but I don't care, I live alone and most people I'm around lost their parent too and can relate.

I looked at her picture alittle bit ago for the first time since and I lost it, it was terrible, my eyeballs are all swollen and red, today was a bad day.

My friend is going thru a rough time right now, her mom just got diagnosed with cancer and its spreading all thru her body, she is devastated, we both just cried and cried. Life will never be the same now, I'M LOST now.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and your pain. I too lost my Mom three weeks ago. Just look around you, shes there. Shes in everything beautiful... she in you mind, listen for her voice.. She's in you heart, feel her beat with yours.. She's in your blood, she gave you life! One day at a time.. one minute, one second... Time will be good to you.. time will soften your pain my friend.... it sucks, it really hurts, it's the hardest pain you can experience, I know, I feel it every second. Be good to yourself and give yourself time for this life change and what I call, my new reality... love to you..

My mum died 1st September 2013
My dad died 17th January 2013
I'm feeling very numb at the moment more so over my mum the weight she lost the tests she had that came back clear,
The CT scan that came to late and showed that the tests that had been done were obviously not done properly,
Lung cancer, liver cancer, pancreatic cancer all took my lovely mum,
But we have to keep going through the grief
We have to make a life for ourself without them it's going to be hard we will go through lots of emotions, but in my heart of hearts I know they will be with me wherever I go and whatever I do.

Same thing happened to my very lively 82 y/o Mom. She had had cancer 12 years ago, got checked and got the "all clear" every year.Then how come a CT showed it in her lungs,liver/spleen,and pancreas? I'm so upset all this cancer was missed. Was it not important to anyone that this lovely lady live? Instead, I had to watch her die, watch my intelligent Mom be reduced to a childlike person. My Mom was so BRAVE thru it all, saying "I had a good run, most people don't get 12 years after being diagnosed with Melanoma" She might have been ready, I wasn't and not ready for this grief, it sucks.......Im SOOOO SAD

I share your sadness. My Mom passed on Aug 16, 2013. I MISS her so....much! She would have been 84 y/o on Oct 12. The saddest birthday ever! I hope it gets easier for all of us! I know exactly what you're going through!

My mum died when I was 12 I still remember the last thing she said to me.I knew she was really sick. She told me everything was gonna be better and we would have ice cream after she got her operation. I still go to her grave &amp; give her flowers. I miss her so much.

<p>My mom died last week on August 24th 2013, and I am still devastated.<br />
She was not only my mom, but also my best friend. We talked two - three<br />
times per day before she became too ill with cancer to speak. I still saw her<br />
everyday. I lost my dad last year from cancer (a year and one week) before<br />
my mom. As an only child I feel like grieving, and I do, but I am also in charge <br />
of all moms financial stuff too. I miss her so very much and I cry daily. I hope and<br />
pray things get better in time.</p>

It has been just over 3 months since my mom of 55 years old passed away on May 27th, 2013. That day seemed longer then usual. I'm 23 years old and have an identical twin brother and an older brother that lives about 1000 miles away. I miss my mom so much, and what makes it worse is I feel like I treated her so badly in her last few months of life. But, to be completely honest I have read some of these posts and have come to more peace as I no longer feel like I'm alone. Sitting here on this Saturday night and thinking about her, searching in google " 3 months since my mom passed away" The night it happened was a night my brother and I will never forget.

It all began on May 7th, we went to the hospital because my mom had swelling of her legs, and she was always falling asleep. Me and my brother thought that because she was taking large does of Morphine for her back pain, that this was the reason. We got to the hospital and she was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. The doctor said " Well, it looks like you have a little heart failure, don't worry we will get you better" My mom did not have medical insurance as she was let go from her job 3 months prior and lost it. I remember me and my brother and mom all crying together, when they told us the news. She was such a strong person, suffering from hep c, liver cirrhosis, colitis, and horrendous back pain from a surgery she had. She would always pull through it, and continue to live life, laugh and support us. She taught us from 13 years how to pay rent, and support ourselves and take care of ourselves. When we were younger we didn't realize that this was her ultimate goal, we looked at it as punishment. Well back to the story, My brother was hit harder then me and cried a lot more, and the reason is I genuinely thought that she had much longer to live, and I wanted to show her so much that I had time on my side. That night me and my brother had a huge talk about we have to start treating mom with all the respect in the world. I can tell you right now that didn't happen, again my stubborn self assumed that the medicine would make her better and she would return to normal, didn't happen. the days went on for about 15 or so days and she actually was doing really well. She was taking her meds, eating healthy low sodium everything, even making her own salad dressing very low sodium. She still did something that to this day think caused her death, smoked cigarettes. In fact the last thing on her shopping list she made 3 hours before she dies had four things.. smokes, shampoo, laxative and soap. She was a bad smoker smoking on average one to two packs a day for 40 years. My brother developed the nasty habit but has since quit cold turkey 3 months ago and has since never looked back. I to would smoke when I drank socially but have since stopped. She had an episode at about 3AM where she walked out of her room and told my brother who was sitting on the couch, " I need someone right now, a doctor and she clenched her chest and collapsed. I heard my brother scream like I never in my 23 years ever heard him scream before, " Kyle, She's having a heart attack!" as tears immediately streamed his face as her ran into my bedroom. I leaped out of bed in shock, as I was sound asleep for about 7 hours, and I rushed to her side, and looked into her eyes, at that time I knew she was dead. She was gasping for air every 10 seconds or so, So I thought she was alive. While my brother called 911, he moved her to the floor at which after about 2 mins her breathing came back and it was very fast, prior to this I had checked her vitals and I had gotten no pulse at all. She started breathing again, and her pulse had returned to normal, as the paramedics got there, they kept saying "mam, your hyperventilating you need to slow your breathing down" and when she came to, she had no recollection of what had happened. She was talking to them and refused to go to the hospital as the paramedic assured her that she was just hyperventilating and that she needed to calm down. The hooked her up to an EKG and monitored her heart saying, "yea there's nothing wrong with you, your just having a panic attack"... needless to say she didn't go with them.

Flash to 4 days later I remember leaving for work that day and the night before I said " Hey I love you" and gave her a kiss... I remember thinking on that as I left the apt. My brother had said " I love you to her before he left for work, and she responded " Love you too cookie monster" you know moms and their special names lol. I went on with my normal work life and at about 6:45PM we both get a text from her " is anybody home right now?", then after we didn't respond she said " don't worry I don't want you guys to pick anything up for me" and this text really upset me and my brother the most. Did we really treat her that bad where she starting to think she was a burden...I think so :(. the last text we received was at about 9pm and it said " Helloo anybody home?" I'm tearing up typing this part as this is what gets me going to most. I remember pulling up the apt complex at about 9;20PM and finished eating my dinner in my car, I stepped out and heard my moms car fire up. I thought to my self whats she doin?, I had planned to go upstairs and play video games.... had the next two days off. I waited for a minute watching her car as she turned on the lights and backed out of her spot. I stood there with my hands crossed and looked at her as she pulled up to me and I jokingly put my hands up to her window, which was rolled down and acted if they where closed. I said to her in a very soft and quiet voice, to this day I don't know why I said it the way I did " Hey, Where you goin? my voice gently and soft. She looked at me and said "Walgreens"....Then she said as she grabbed her chest" I feel like I did last time" and within 2 seconds seized up and did the exact same thing as before, as I saw this happen my first thought was that of anger, that she would always have these panic/anxiety attacks that would cripple her, I mean she cant even drive anymore ( she was in her car) as I stood there watching her gasp for air, I went to her side and tried to snap her out of this. I checked a pulse and got a racing heart beat, which I now know was ventricular fibrillation ( Sudden Cardiac Death).... but I thought Hey she came out of this before, the medic told me that it was just an anxiety attack. As time went on about 4 mins I realized color had begin to run from her face and skin.... I immediately called 911.... I checked for a pulse and she had none... I was panicking and honestly I was crying but had no tears.... this is hard to explain... I was crying but there was no tears falling....adrenalin had kicked in at that point. I got disconnected from 911 and immediately called again, and they told me to get her out of the car, and with all my strength I lifted her from the car and set her gently on the ground and began CPR. I was balling profusely and felt as if I was the only one in the world at that moment and my mom needed me and I let her down. The feeling is indescribable as I was giving my mom CPR. I felt as if my mom was right there with me crying because she saw how terrified I really was. As I was talking to her telling her not to go, and I loved her with all of my heart don't leave me right now.... I need you, Kory ( Brother) needs you. As the hum of her running car mixed with the approaching fire engine and ambulance grew nearer and nearer I felt myself slipping away..... The amount of emotions that were washing over me were to much as the fire truck pulled out they ran over to see a 23 year old man crying his eyes giving CPR to his mom, They said " Alright buddy, we got it" as I stood up I immediately felt horrified that this was really happening. The sheriff was on seen and there was a paramedic assessing me, and they began to ask questions and I was crying like I had never cried before. I said " I need to call my brother" I called him and he was still at work.. I said as I was balling " mom" and he immediately began to cry and I said "She's gone" He said I'm coming home right now and we said we loved each other. My brother had made a 30 minute drive in about 9 minutes. He told me that he felt like the car had wings......... I watched as they tried to resuscitate my mom for about 20 minutes...during this time a complete stranger walked up to me to comfort me... I had seen this man a few times before and he didn't really say much to. The one thing my mom did not want was to die alone. Now that I look back on the experience I was there with her, my brothers thank me because I was the " Gate Keeper" as they call it. I was with mom when she left this world. when the paramedic finally came up to me and said that she was gone, the man that I didn't really know immediately put his arms around me from the back and gave me a huge hug. to be honest I found a very strange comfort in that, normally I don't like random strangers lol, but this guy made a warm felling I cannot describe rush over me. He then went into his house, came out with some rosemary beads and said " here put these on her forehead" and poured holy water on them. My brother was just arriving when I saw his car pull up behind the police car and I ran to him, once agin breaking down into tears, he was numb. With a straight face and voice said " what happened" and punched the pillar of the parking garage in anger. he cried a little and had a straight face the whole time. it wasn't til about the 3rd day did he really break down and weep. He was devastated and we truly felt alienated in this world. You don't feel normal at all, I witnessed her die and actually felt somewhat responsible....because I waited o call.

That's really silly to do, but its a normal part of grieving. the blame game. After about a month I realized one thing.... it wasn't my fault and the negativity brought on by me thinking about was just as bad as her passing away. When I think about what she wanted, and that was us to be self sufficient and happy... that's what I want. I think to be completely honest, She was ready, there's no more morphine and pain, and suffering where she is now. No more horrible cramps, or sicknesses. No more sadness or fear. When I witnessed her passing looking at her, whispering "You did a good job" " I'm sorry" I realized that she was just as scared of dying as anybody else....it actually made me feel more at peace with death....She didn't look like she was in any pain for any real time....she went in peace, and with one of her sons. I now am at a point where I'm not over her passing away, and in fact never will....but that's okay. Don't let it control your life.... everyone on here has said it in some light or another, if you forget about her then that's not right..... its like a scab it will heal over and sometimes you'll pick at it, and it will tear open. and you have a good cry. Me and Kory cried hysterically at the original Fox and The Hound at the part where Todd is being released into the wild... That song, signifying a mother releasing her son into the world after taking care of him, and showing him the way. Call me weird but that was my mom and ours favorite movie back when we were growing up and it hits home every time we hear it. To all the people who have experienced loss, I say this to you.....It will get easier I Promise you! if you think about suicide your failing your loved one... it was mentioned here before what would they want from you. If anyone needs help I'm here

Kyle

My mother literally passed away yesterday...and it's the hardest thing that I have ever been through because me and my mom were best friends...and I miss her..I can't say that you will get completely over the fact that she's gone or even the pain and numbness..but I can understand what you are going through...I'm 18 years old and honestly I feel like I have no reason to live..I have no mother nor father and my family hasn't exactly been around me recently so I feel like I have no one..I'm losing friends constantly every day and even now as I write this I remember all the good and all the bad but mostly I remember that she raised me to be a strong young man that would have to take care of himself one day..and I love my mother so much I would trade anything in the world just to have her back

Yes. My mom passed 11 years ago. I was 31. She was my everything. She adopted me and showed me love like no other. Her and i were extremely close. We would talk on the phone several times a day and see each other several times a week. There is a huge hole in my heart that only memories can fill. I miss her more than words can ever explain but I'm at peace because what we had was so special. She made me feel something special. I think if her every day and when I cry they are tears of joy. She has taught me to love my children and others. I will see her again. That gets me through my days.

*** u

It's exactly a month since it all happened. I thought I was ok and didn't cry much until now. I see no point to life n I'm really depressed. I struggle with what pills would make me die and get out of this world ASAP. I am 26. Don't know if I will be able to handle this. I just want to end my My life there is no point any more.

Dear Mummysgirl4eva,

I am 30 years old, and I lost my mom December 17th, 2012 (4 days earlier I had lost my Grandmother, my dad's mom. The impact of the double deaths has really hit my father hard... He was married to mom for 42 years. It is incomprehensible that 4 months have past since that tragic day. She was so sick so we took her to the hospital in an ambulance but still expecting her to come home. I even packed her a bag with clothes and toothbrush. She died within 24 hours. It all happened so quickly and it was nothing less than horrifying to watch what she went through as they "took their time" to try to save her life, but it was too late. "thank you doctors and nurse staff!" Hmph. The treatments they attempted on her are visions that nightmares are made up of. From the ambulance ride to the moment we decided as a family to stop the medications that were keeping her alive (her organs had already shut down - supposedly... We were never given a conclusive answer on that), I never left her side unless I was asked by the drs/nurses to leave the room while they did performed very painful procedures on her with no pain drugs. It was and still is my nightmare. I wouldn't wish for anyone else to see their loved one feel the fear and helplessness as she did. I could see it in her eyes after they inserted the breathing tube and strapped down her body and arms to the bed - she never spoke again.... I heard her voice for the last time about 10 hours before she past away. I think the word nightmare sums up a lot of my emotions for those 24 hours at the hospital. For me, i never know what type of day i will have but for some reason in my grieving process each day either feels like (1) it is Dec. 17th and my mind is reliving on the thoughts of what words should i say as my last goodbye to my beautiful dying mother, and also, what to say to God before she leaves her earthly body or (2) dec. 17th feels so distant, like 10 years have already gone by.

Anyways, I feel like I can somewhat relate to the crazy emotions, changes in life, and grief laziness that you may be experiencing. I understand your struggles with the emotions you are dealing with. Do not let her death define you. Let her life define you. We are all waiting for our hearts to heal, and honestly, I don't think our hearts will ever be completely whole again. But you must remember that she loves you and hurting yourself is the last thing she wants for you. If she could, moms would trade their lives for their kids without a second thought so don't throw your gift of life (the gift YOUR mother gave you and wants you to have and to experience) away now that she can't even be give an option to help you. My mom was my number one fan... Somehow she made everything in life seem like it would be "ok." Now that she is not here, I keep telling myself reasons why I am thankful to have had her for the time that I did... And so very thankful to have been given such a wonderful and compassionate woman as my mom and friend. Thankfulness has become the the emotion I have been holding on to the most as I take each day at a time.

Many people will not understand what you are going through. Sometimes I feel like people want to tell me to get over it, she is in Heaven, and/or move on. (Not in those words, but you may have experienced something similar). I strongly suggest you find a support group for people your age that have lost a parent. there are a lot of organizations that offer free grief counseling services along with the group sessions. I think I would like that better than the 1 on 1. But that is a personal preference. i am about to start attending one in May.

Please do not let loss be the loss of another. Especially for the reasons as you described for wanting to end your pain. Just keep talking to her (your mom). She hears you. I really do believe that. And know that you are not alone. Also, i am starting to read A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. You might want to read it too. There are a lot of things in that book I have been able to relate to. And if you need more support, I am here and can send you my email address or something like that.

Hugs!

What a beautiful post KVD35216. My sister is in terrible shape. We lost my mom this past September, coming up on a year. We were all close to my mom, six of us, and one of my sisters and my little brother were the closest. My mom also ended up on life support. There was a DNR but we didn\'t know it was for home, not the hospital. I was the 1st one there after my sister called me, I did not expect to see that. My sister lost her job the August before my mom was dx\'d with stage IV lung cancer. She took care of everything. We did share dr and chemo appt but she set everything up and spent the most time with her. She is still out of work and has twice talked about suicide. She told me this past weekend that she has a problem with alcohol. I\'m 17 yrs sober, I offered to go to a meeting with her but she didn\'t know if she wanted to go. My mom was her best friend, she feels she has lost everything. She may even have to give up her home, which she spent time and money on to get it to be just the way she wanted. My little brother has not spoken to us since my mom\'s service. He said that we killed her because we took her off life support. I have been seeing a bereavement counselor through hospice since October. It has been extremely helpful. My sister went to a group for about 3 months but the area she\'s in does not offer one-on-one counseling. I tried to get her to come to where I am. She\'s about 25 min away but with no job she doesn\'t want to spend the money on gas and a toll for the bridge. I\'ve been very nauseous today. At work , not getting much done.

Very well put. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. God bless you.. He will see us through this storm, so we can help others. :)

How are you today? My Mum died on Boxing Day. I can identify with everything you have said. Grief is hard as hell. It hurts. Boy it really hurts and it hurts because we loves them and it helps us to live again. Not right away, no that would be wrong. If we could simply wake up as if nothing had happened. Yes it will hurt and yes it will get better. You will heal in your own way and in your own time and yes there will be a few bumps and crashes along the way. Be kind to yourself. On her very best days that's what you Mum would tell you.