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I Am A Different Person Since My Mom Died 2 Months Ago And Am Very Scared

Hello and thanks for reading my story.
I am a 35-year-old man who was always close with his mother. She was the light of my life since I was born. 3 years ago my father had a minor stroke and his personality changed. He and my mother became like oil and vinegar after 43 years of marriage. This reached a terrible climax when my dad filed for divorce from her 2 years ago but refused to move out. My mother spiraled into a nervous breakdown. She stopped eating, overly medicated herself and unbeknownst to me for 2 years became an alcoholic. I live in London and my mom was in Los Angeles. I went home several times a year to help her with professionals, doctors and rallied her friends, family and neighbors around her. She became abusive verbally to me over time. These 2 years were extremely difficult to endure. She told me constantly that she just 'wanted to go to sleep and never wake up'. I would have moved home to help her, but she would not let me. She gradually shut the world out with her depression and drinking.
My mom died in her sleep on September 12, 2010. She looked peaceful when I first saw her dead which gave me comfort. Since that day, my life has been forever different. The worst part is that she was starting to get so much better the last 3 months of her life. She was eating, getting out, wearing make-up - almost back to her old self. Our last conversation on the phone was beautiful - I will never forget it. I know that she knew I loved her more than anything in this world.
For the 6 weeks after mom's death, I was completely numb. It did not seem real, while I grieved tremendously, the real feeling of loss did not set in until about 2 weeks ago - right after the 2-month mark. I have realized that she is gone and have become extremely angry. Angry at how she could do this to me. Angry at the fact that she had to leave when we had so many years ahead. I am so depressed. I have pains in my body and am losing a great deal of weight. Slowly I see myself shutting out friends and loved ones - people that have cared for me during this time and others that have let me down. I sleep a great deal. I think of her every moment of every day. I go to work and on the weekends just want to be alone. The thought of Christmas makes me cry. I feel that I will never be truly happy again. I have no immediate family to turn my attention toward - just a father and brother 6,000 miles away that I am not close to. What now?
Sometimes I can be happy but it is short-lived and only when I am with other people in a social setting. Going to the gym and work seem to be my only healthy outlets but those are waning as well. If things progress as they are, I will be a lonely man sitting at home with absolutely no one. Will things ever get better?
nyc99lon09 nyc99lon09 31-35 134 Responses Nov 18, 2010

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I lost my mum in may this year and feel exactly the same .

I lost my mum on the 20th of may she was my world. I am finding it very difficult to control my feelings. I was the one boy and me and mum where best friends. I only hope that it will get easier but at this moment its just a dark part of my life. My mum was so brave and battled cancer of her mouth for 14 months. I hope you can find some peace in knowing your not alone and i wish you all the best. Its good that we are beside our selves as it shows just how much we loved our mums .

I feel you
I lost my mom 1 month ago and still dont know how to live

I can identify with you because I too lost my Mom last Oct. And I have changed. I thought I was getting better but I am very sensitive to comments that are probably not even directed to me in Public. This pain of nor hearing her voice or not able to call her because she is gone to Heaven....it hurts and I want to sleep life away. I can't because I have responsibilties and children so I am fighting to live. Live my Life like My Mother advised me many times during our precious last year together. I don't know if you believe in God but He is the one I cry to for the strength to carry on. God Bless you. Please know that God made you to Live your life fully. So "let's carry on "as the saying goes! God Loves You

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Hi mr.lonely
I just wanted to say that I can relate to your story in so many ways. In 2010 I decided to leave a 12 year relationship that was becoming destructive so I move back home to find my three children incarcerated, so I went home to no one but my ex daughter in law in a deep state of depression. In those 4 months living with my grandson n his mother I get a phone call from my mothers ex-husband that my mother is very ill and needs me in the state she lives, so I go and live with my mother who did not how bad her illness was killing her and her pain n suffering was so unbearable to watch but I was there for her until the very end. Now I am staying with an uncle, with a deep depression that I have no desires of anything yet I keep telling myself there is a god and he is the only one who knows what we are suppose to do we just have to have faith. I also am very lonely all I have is my uncle and an aunt who have helped me but I still feel lost with no sense of directions at times but I am forcing myself to better myself. I cry by myself or in the shower my closest sibling lives down south and a father who never raised but tries to help when he can. So live day by day and accept jesus christ to save you. I am also sharing this so you know you are not alone I have lost everything but my faith I also have days of anger but for my own health I have to keep myself in check. P.s. pray he is listening

God Bless You for being your Family's Caregiver in their time of need. You are doing the job that is so Important and out of Love. May you receive Blessings for your efforts.

Sorry for your loss- I myself lost my mom in 2007. I still miss her especially this time of year near Christmas. No, she has not come to visit me no matter how much I pray and I don't feel her looking over my shoulder. I feel like I lost part of myself since she died. I am thinking of talking to a councelor about it but can't really afford one right now. I just have to stay strong and think how lucky I was to have a mom that was as nice as she was.

I lost my Mom last Oct. 2014...I asked my Mom to tell me she was Ok if she could when it was her time to go....she kept her promise to me and after lighting a white candle in front of her Picture in my Makeshift Altar (table of honor for loved one)she appeared to me in a dream about two months later on New Years Eve. Ot was like she was there in real life in front of me, face smiling, light illuminating her face....I cried Mom! I love you while I asked her for a hug....She hugged me and I felt safe and I heard her cleary say "I Love You Marie" as she waved goodbye. I saw hwr next to her Sister who died 5 days beforw she did and they walked togethr arm in arm upwards....Pray with all your heart as if you were talking to your Loved one in a quiet place. I know somehow they will hear your message. Comfort and Peace be with you.

I lost my mom and know exactly how you feel . Well sort of . I feel terrified of facing life now because I shared everything with mom, decisions , dating etc.
My anger is some times at me wishing I would have quit my job to be with her her last few months. Other times anger at her for leaving ..... How do you pick up the pieces? Where does the physical and emotional strength come from? I think when your single you have no other needs besides your own to attend to and hence sinking into a hole is easy. I'm 34, lost both parents and am not coping awesomely.

Very sorry for your loss! I understand exactly how you feel cos my mum also quite recently passed away last December and we, Chinese, are supposed to have a mourning period of 3 years for very close relatives especially our mothers. I don't think time is going to take away the pain completely but I guess we learn how to handle it as time goes by! I am still hurting bad and I wish I could see her physically again in front of me asap. I am a Christian and I believe in the afterlife and Jesus told us that we will be like angels if we die as believers. And angels always communicate with the living and I truly believe my mother has come to visit me especially during the first few months after her passing. So, my advice to you is to pray to Jesus to help and allow your mother to visit and communicate with you. Please do not be misled by other people into believing other religions for help because Jesus has said that He is the Way and the Truth! May God bless you!

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm reading this years later. I lost my mom in March 2014 for similar reasons. I hope you are doing ok. I see my mom in a pink sky at night, a bird of paradise or a full moon. Her favorite things. Your mom is ways around you. Sometimes you need to stop for a moment and she'll let you know she is there for you.

I agree with you totally and may God bless you, too!

I lost my mother may of this year and it hurts but I know she is in a better place I miss her so much .her birthday is in 2 weeks my family I going to celebrate it with a heavy heart .

I'm going through the same thing with very similar circumstances and I'm not sure how to get through it anymore.

Only way to find peace my friend... Is the remembrance of God... God put us here as a test... With every happiness and suffering... its all a test from God... For example you're son dies... And instead of making supplications to God to make it easy for you and grant you're son paradise etc... You instead drink, use drugs etc... That's a bad path to choose... it means satan has lead you astray... And you should make supplications to God to lead you back on the right path and for anything you need... since Allah (God) is the all-seeing, all-fogiving, all-powerful and so on.

I recommend you read the Quran with English Translation... So you understand more about the truth and Islam...

Selam Aleykum
(Peace be upon you)

I am so sorry for your loss. Anger is the the most hurtful emotion because in the end it destroys us. I lost my mom 3 months ago today. I loved her dearly. I am in my twenties. The first month was about sorting out the burial and dealing with people including relatives who wanted to take advantage of me. The second month has been lonely with no one to talk to, no phone calls, nothing. The third month has been anger, blame, hurt, anger, feelings of abandonment, anger and anger. I've been angry a lot. It came out in different ways - from feeling jealous of others and thinking that one day they will also understand when they don't have parents- also just randomly over reacting at grocery stores and shouting and swearing at people- and this is all from someone who doesn't like talking much. I also felt like the world was out to get me and I trusted no one. I was just bitter and angry up to point when it scared me and then disgusted me. I am now dealing with the guilt of my anger. I am trying to forgive myself and pray that others will find it in their hearts to forgive me. I am reflecting now - and realize that after loosing my seven month old son in 2010, I've been angry since. So mom's death has brought me full circle. I am dealing with all the emotions I refused to face before. I am feeling vulnerable now but somehow I know that I will come out stronger. We all will eventually- we have to believe it.

I'm so sorry I really am. My mum died 6 years ago now and even though, like everyone says, time heels I still feel like a part of me with never be the same again. I'm not sure how much help it'll be for you to read this now but I promise it does get better. The first year is the worse. You feel so numb and when you don't you feel so sad/angry/devastated/let down. Even now I still find myself thinking "I'll call mum" when I hear something I want to tell her and reality comes crashing back. You can't! I use to cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling so disappointed I'd woken up. I was so so close with my mum and similar to you we'd been through so much as a family when she'd had a nervous breakdown. It seemed so cruel that after years of treatment she'd got better only to end up dying of cancer. I look around now and think why us?? Why do some people get such a s**t deal. It won't seem like it now but I promise all that love your mum gave you when she was well and here on earth WILL carry you through. And one day they'll come a time where when you think of her it'll make you happy not sad. It's not easy. The more you love someone the harder it is to say good bye. But she's still here inside you. Just look I the mirror & imagine she's watching over you. You have to live your life for the both of you now so once the pain stops crippling you, once they hours speed up and the sick feeling in the pit of your tummy fades you go out and live life like it's the best gift in the world. And one day, when you've lived your life just like your mum wanted you to, when you're old and the times right you'll see her again. It's like the song says "we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but I know some sunny day we'll meet again". Be strong when you can, break down when you need to and just keep going forward. One step at a time. Good luck. Xxx

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Yes it will get better. Time and patience with youself to heal is important.

My mom died 3 months ago. It was the hardest thing to plan her funeral. The stress of her being sick on oxygen,she had COPD,stage 5 kidney disease. So I kind of prepared myself for "what if". I feel your pain. I cry EVERYDAY this past week has been hard. The past 2 months I told myself she was away and is coming back. As i walked into my living room and saw her ashes in her velvet box i cried, very hard. Sobbing...then i knew she wasnt coming back. It will get better hopefully.

I read your post today because I lost my mother 3 months ago and my pain and suffering I feel getting worst every day I don't know what to do, just looking in the internet people with my similar problem to see if I can found some mental comfort. She was the only person I had since I'm not working since 2000 for disability from my back due my many years working as waiter in a very busy Atlantic City casino, that destroyed my back from the neck all the way down. She appear healthier than me but cancer was silent
destroying her inside. Since the day they detect it she live 17 days at home and I was almost 24/7 taking care of her when I myself need medical attention because my heart is in very bad situation. She has some help from Hospice Services, but they only stay 24 hours for the first 3 days she was at home. I remember the happy she was in the ambulance the day we comeback home, she as a joke told me "I never dream travel in a luxury taxi like this" She left this world 15 days latter with really two days of bad suffering, I not want to sad you what things I have to do by myself this last two days.
We are very poor because when I was a waiter never claim my tips to the IRS and my SS check is only $ 860. 00 and hers was $724.00 we never took food stamps because with our 2 checks we managed to live decently as poor people.
Now my car is broken because the storms we get this year damage my brakes and other things; since her burial I can't go to visit her tomb that not even have a mark or something that I want to put there I hope in a few days I can find someone to give a ride to there and the place where to buy a decent headstone that she deserved. I used some of our money to buy the plot next to her, that was in a hurry because they told me that they buried the people in order of coming and if I want to be next to her have to pay for it asp.
I'm been to long in my explanation but I don,t have any body to talk about. I have a brother but to you have an idea of his fillings the New Year night he was with a girlfriend enjoying the party at one of the casinos and not even call
to say happy new year to our agonizing mother that was asking for him, but this is another hystory.

i just want to say that my mother is not dead..she turns 60 next month and im so scared..im her only one. i love her and her whole life has been so hard..coming from an abused household where she never knew her father and her mom always working..then when she got older and met my father he was very abusive aswell..my life is not that great either as in my late teens i was in the hospital for depression because i was so confused about my life and my father not being there for me. my mother is the best and toughest person and i feel terrible that im now 25 and still stuck trying to find my way.i was in the house for 2 years depressed now I'm in and out of colleges trying to graduate and find passion. i want to buy my mom everything i want her to feel loved..reading all your stories made me sign up and make an account..you are all lovely people and i dont know how you guys have dealt with a lose that close to you. i dont know you but i love you all. im so scared that she turns 60 and only has like 20-30 years left if im lucky.. i know some of u would sell some years off your own lives just to have a day with your mom again. life is so hard sometimes

I lost my sweet Mom to alcohol and depression 3 days before this past Christmas > I read this and wept deeply. I feel the same.

You mention that she knew you loved you more than anything else in this world. Know that she loved you the same, if not more. A mother knows her child so much more than they know her. There was obviously a time period where you weren't shown the love from your parents that you should have received. Understand it can't be filled or replaced now by your Mother because she is gone. It's a hard gap to fill because your inner child wants/needs that affection but your outer adult self makes you feel silly for feeling that way. I don't know what your relationship is with your Dad, I get that you said you are not close. Does that mean you have serious issues? Otherwise, an awkward apathetic phone conversation can still give some sort of comfort, even if in a round about way. After all, your Mom saw something in him. If you don't feel that way then think about YOU. You are something. You're important because you're here. Make a statement. Stop napping, do something to make your Mom proud. Something that makes you feel great. It's not easy to drag yourself to do it but make small goals...a small walk, a bigger walk, a small run, a bigger run, a marathon...something...something that marks you. Says, I am here and I can do this. Look forward to hearing from you.

It is terribly hard to loose a parent no matter how old one is. I lost my mom nearly four years ago, and though I still miss her terribly, I always try to remember that she wanted the best for me. I try to live my life in a way that would make her proud, and when I feel really down in the dumps, I remember that she is watching over me and that she will always be looking out for me.

I tried 5 times to respond cuz of my events. God damn ads screw it all up

I lose my mom a year ago but everything seems not real like you im a changed person, im happy and positive at all things and im turn into someone i tought i will be mad all the time and not talking to anyone my mom is my bestfriend, we do everything together. I remember what she always told me she want a better life for me so i come to my senses that i got to be happy for her coz i know shes watching me all the time so i wanna make her proud in heaven be strong andvalways be positive

My mum died in a different situation but I still feel angry, lost and devastated. There is no answer and sometimes emotions just overwhelm you. I find spending time remembering her and how she would enjoy and respond to my life comforting, but also allowing myself to grieve that she isn't taking a physical part in it. Nobody will ever take her place because nobody will ever care and love me like her so this is a life burden. But not to have felt that love would be worse.

This is coming from a teenager. My father passed away when I was only 5, only two years later did I find out that he died from his injuries from a car accident. I remember only a few memories of him. I hugged goodbye as he was leaving to get a few things my mother forgot to get at the store. After that hug, he never returned, and I wondered why. When I found out that he had died, I changed dramatically. I was a happy boy, living in ignorance, just having fun, then I got the news from my mother and grandmother. I am now 14, taking care of my ill mum. I grieve every once in awhile even though I vowed to stay strong and protect my family. I know how you feel, not because of personal experiences and stuff like that, because I took a minute to step into your shoes and feel your sadness and anger.

You are such a brave boy. It's okay to feel sad. You are going through too much. More than any child should have to endure and there's no escape because you love your family. Your Mom is so lucky to have you however, whilst you're busy taking care of her, you are missing out on just being a happy go lucky kid. But, you know what? Enjoy her, make it fun, relish this time. You will have lots of time to be the kid inside that wants to just let go. It will come. You are an amazing wonderful boy!

You are so brave. I wish your mum heals from her illness. Stay strong for her- you will have plenty of time for yourself when you are a little older. Speak to someone when you are feeling overwhelmed, you are going through a lot at your age.

<p>My Poor mum has been diagnosed with cancer,shes loosing weight rapid and in lots of pain,Shes 81 and yes its a good age but its my mum so if she was 100 i would still not want to lose her!<br />
Im 50 and i moved back into my mum and dads in January 2013 after yet another failed relationship of mine! <br />
My dads 85 and had cancer 5 years ago but as it was caught very early by accident he got through it and is now clear :)<br />
Im glad i moved back in now as im looking after them both and i hate to see mum like this,i love her and dont want to lose her.<br />
I have no childred,i have a decent job,i have lots of friends and we go out every 2 weeks without fail,what im trying to say is to look at me even at my age i look like a real jack the lad tough nut,<br />
after every failed relationship i have moved back in with mum and dad for 4/5 months..i spose all in all i have spent 40 of my 50 years in their company AND i have loved every moment of it!Up untill recently i was still taking mum to asda to do her shopping! i cant sleep at night shes totally on my mind,when im at work or out with friends shes on my mind 70% of the time!<br />
My point is you people who have lost your parents are obviously gutted and i feel for everyone of you!<br />
But as i have no wife/partner/kids i feel and always have felt that my mum and dad were my only family i had and wanted.<br />
Im happy i spent many years with them !<br />
im not depressed as i have thought this years ago "when my mum passes i will stay to look after my dear old dad and then i will have had my lot,i will be content at having spent my life mainly with the 2 people i love more then anything in the world!<br />
There is not much more for me without those 2 people in my life,other people here have families to help them get through my family mum and dad,<br />
As i said im not depressed this is somthing i thought about many years ago!<br />
Obviously i wil do nothing untill they have both passed and then it will be my turn.<br />
I have good friends but ive ben going out with friends at weekends since i was 16/17 i could say i have had enough if my parents are not here no more.<br />
any thoughts any1 ?</P>

Your parents are blessed to have you and you're all so fortunate to have enjoyed each other's company for this long. BUT also is the dread of their deaths... So when the time comes you can help ease them out of this world, surrounded by your love. And with any luck, when your time comes, their spirits will be surrounding you too and you will be reunited. We just lost my dear Mum at 88 years old, similiar to your Mum but her pain was controlled at the end mostly. and how I wish I was living with and caring for her like you are now! I only was there with her the last couple weeks but it was a beautiful opportunity to give back some of the care she'd always given us. I just think you are doing such a good thing for your dear parents... I too am childless and I feel guilty saying it but I am world weary and I envision the time when I will, as you say, have had enough... But also you are only 50 so there may still come along the right person to make you want to stay around for a while longer even after your dear parents are gone.

I lost my mum Aug 2013 and am still going through the bereavement process. I don't think anyone comes out of a bereavement as the same person, loss of a parent has a huge impact on who we are and how we view our world and others around us. People who we would have turned to for support, guidance and comfort are no longer there, but I sincerely believe that their knowledge and wisdom lives on with us, as though our souls merged over time and even though they are no longer physically here a part of them will always remain with us.

Time doesn't take away the pain of loss, but it does get easier to live with. Memories of a parent being ill and their fading life will be replaced with ones of them smiling, laughing, enjoying life and eventually you will get to a stage where, as you remember your mum, or dad you will be filled with happy memories of them that will surround and fill you with the joy that they brought to your life.
I think we are programmed to forget painful events over time or at least block them out, however the pain is an important part of the healing process, and I would say to anyone, if you feel like crying then cry... eventually the tears will lessen

I hope that everyone that has lost a parent or someone special will reach a point where the pain of loss is replaced by the gratitude and joy at having someone so special come in to their lives and what an amazing gift their presence has been; I am eternally thankful for having such an amazing and wonderful mother in my life and to have known her, for however short a time, is a blessing.

It is November 2013. I lost my mother very recent. I feel exactly like the author. And I have the same question: what now?? will things get better, the pain I mean, easier??

Just lost my mother as well oct 30 unexpectly and I don't think the pain eill ever go away I made a memorial page on face book so I could write to her it helps some but I'm so lost have no one to really talk to my husband thinks I should be able to function jist because I have him and my children he doesn't get how hard this is

My Mom passed 10/25/13. She was 82, on hospice care.She found out 8/16 that she had stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. A little over 2 months later she died. I'm so sad,have never had such a profound sense of loss. I was the main caretaker along with my 3 sisters,but I was with Mom the whole 2 months. I consider it a privledge to have taken care of her the whole time. I too, hope it will get better. I try to keep busy, like, there are so many things to do around my house that didn't get done since I was gone 2 months but I either can't seem to do it or it takes me forever to do anything. I am shutting out my family. I just don't feel like talking to ANYONE. Sometimes, I don't shower for days.I'm not a dirty person I just can't do it right now. I don't want to take medications. I am 53 and I just want my Mommy back! I know she won't but it makes me feel better to say that.

Dear Michele, I too, lost my Mom from cancer, July 2010. My heart goes out to you and all others who have lost their loved ones. My Mom was my best friend and still is in spirit. I understand what you are going through. I was 53 when I lost my Mom too. I was a robot during those early days, mechanically doing things around the house, just trying to get through another lonely and horrible day. And I couldn't shower either! I didn't want to talk to anyone and it seemed all of my friends turned their back on me. The only person I wanted to talk to was my Mom. No one else would do. I wish I could hug you and let you cry and talk to me. I never had anyone. I wish I could tell you that it will get easy soon, but I would be lying to you. Every day is tough, you will cry, feel so hollow and wonder why you aren't better. But, one day you won't cry so much and the next day, a little less. Then a few days later, you will cry a river. It has been 3 and a half years for me, and I still miss my Mom. I still cry. I try so hard to honor her by living by her example. I'm so grateful for her teachings throughout my life as I depend on them now. What would Mom do? How would she handle this? etc., etc. Believe me, this helps get you through the day. I miss her face, smile, voice, pretty eyes and warm hands and gentle hugs. Just as you do. Don't hold back the tears Michele. Let them flow for as long as you need to. Eventually, you will cry less and you will smile when you look at her picture. Talk to her as if she is there, just because you can't see her, I'm a firm believer that we are always connected until we meet again. That's what keeps me sane. I still grab her pillow and hug it, closing my eyes pretending the pillow is her. She was and still is my best friend. You are fortunate that you have friends. Please don't shut them out completely. You'll be glad they are there down the road when you are ready to be with people again. Grieving is a private process, try to explain to them what you are feeling as some people have no idea what it feels like to lose a loved one until it happens to them. Let them know it's not personal. Please stay away from meds and alcohol. They won't help you. Your Mom wouldn't want you to do that. I cry a little less now, but I sure miss having coffee with her or going shopping with her. Now, that it's spring time, the time of year that we both looked so forward to because we shared the love of gardening, I am again, feeling so much pain and lonlieness. Some days are easier Michele, some days are so hard. I won't lie to you. Little sparks of memories will either make the tears flow or bring a soft smile to your face. I too, am hoping it will get easier. I wish for you Michele, peace in your heart soon. I know how empty and starved your heart is for your Mom. As mine is too. I am grateful to God for his words that we will all be together again for eternity. For I will love my Mom till the day after forever. Make your Mom proud Michele and remember her love. Many hugs to you dear.

So sorry for your loss. It does get easier but you will always have that sadness. I do. I cry alot, I talk out loud to my mom and I call her phone # a lot. I google afterlife stuff and can my mom hear me stuff. I talk to my friends about her, they lost loved ones so its nice to have people to talk with that can relate and understand.

It's the worst thing ever losing a parent that your close too. I wasn't as close to my dad so it wasn't so hard but my mom is killing me, my heart is broke and will be until I die.

Just pray a lot to god and ask him to make you stronger, he helped me..

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My mother died seven years ago and I haven't been the same since. I was very close to her I'm the youngest of four. She had a stroke and was paralyzed on her left side. The doctor did a xray and asked us if she had a will. We didn't know of one. He said she would never be able to swallow again and would need a feeding tube and asked us if we wanted him to proceed with putting one in. I of course said whatever it takes to help her. Do it. When my siblings all said no it's not the way mom would want to live. So they put her in hospice and let her starve and did not even give her water. All they did was give her morphine. I begged for a second opinion but never got one because my brother told them it wasn't necessary. My mother asked me for a drink of water and my brother would not allow me to give it to her he said she would choke and I would be to blame for killing her. I prayed to God asking him to help me prove she could get better and thats when she asked me to get her a drink. My brother also told them that it was not necessary for them to keep trying to see if she could swallow after I had asked them to keep testing her. So they stopped. She lived nine days I felt terrible like I had failed her. I had always told her that if anything ever happened to her she could live with me and my husband and I would take care of her. No one would listen to me. Her friends all thought it was wrong and now she's gone. I was called a selfish brat for wanting her to live. I only hope she knows how much I Loved her and would have given my life for her to live. I miss her more then any one could ever imagine. I don't see my sibling much any more. I have a bitter attitude and can't seem to get over it and don't believe I ever will.

Oh my gosh Sosadthe1, that is so sad about your siblings acting like that. You did what I would have done, exactly! I'm the youngest of 4 and they treat me like an outsider. My oldest sister always said I was a spoiled snot, getting treated better then the others, oh poo! They still treat me like a child. I don't talk to them much either, just when I have too, and since my mom just died, were still going thru things and settling her estate. After that I'll talk even less! I'm going to move to North Carolina I think, but need to find someone to go with me, can't go alone when I'm in PA . Anywho, ask god to give you the strength to live a happy life without sadness from your family and the past. Don't dwell on the past, live life to the fullest. God knows what happened, and like everyone told me, it was her day to go back home. Your mom is happy and will watch over you. Take care :)

So very sorry for your loss. If your mother asked for water perhaps it should have been given, just try it unless she understood it was risky or it was medically impossible . Its sad there was a disagreement over her care. Please remember her well and honor her with your courage, Your deeds, your wishes and you for being her child.

My mother passed two years ago. I think of her daily. I continue to grieve her passing and feel guilty/failure, believing I may not have done everything I could as her primary caregiver and son. We were very close and continually seek some sign -she probably has provided me with many, but my grief keeps me from acknowledging them fully, other than to be more cognizant of cardinals and roses - both her favorites.

I want a sign from my Mom too, a sign that she's ok. I haven't gotten one yet. I question if I did everything I could too as I was the primary care giver too. When my Mom passed she formed a small smile on her face. Her face was beautiful,I took a picture and I love looking at it, at how peaceful she was.

Don't feel guilty/failure, you did what you could for her to the best of your knowledge and as a sin would. You were there for her when she passed away and that's what count.

My mum died six months ago. We've always lived together except when I was at college and when I travelled away on business. She was taken ill a few days before last Christmas, denying us our last Christmas together, and was in an out of hospital for a while. I spent the last three months of her life trying to get her better treatment because her symptoms weren't being addressed and making arrangements to try and bring her home. I don't feel I spent any time with her that last three months even though I was physically with her for many hours every day. I even got annoyed with her a few times because I just wasn't coping with everything that was happening. Then, even though I knew how ill she was, it came as a shock when she suddenly passed away. We didn't really get to say goodbye.

Now I feel angry too. Not with her any more but I find myself constantly blaming doctors for not providing her with better treatment and myself for not doing a better job of caring for her and for not realising she was so ill a lot sooner. I don't have any living relatives so I've had to deal with this on my own. I've tried to get involved in a few new activities to get me out and I thought things were getting better after about three months but the last couple of months things just seem to be worse than ever. I meet with a few friends occasionally and that's fine while it lasts but as soon as I get back home I just lose all motivation to carry on. I just spend all my time sitting and talking to my mum as if she were still there.

I'm not coping with everyday life at all. At home household chores are ignored unless its impossible to avoid them and work is just an act. I go through the motions at work and try to give the impression that I'm coping, because I don't want my bosses to see how bad things are; if they knew how bad things really were they'd show me the door, because we are losing people at work every week. I've started going to church again after stopping quite a few years ago but I can't honestly say that helps. I'm dreading the winter and especially Christmas. I never used to feel lonely but whether this is a form of loneliness I don't know. I'm sometimes not sure whether I feel sad about my mum or sad about my own situation. I really can't tell. I just know I don't want to carry on like this. So the only comfort I can offer to others is to say you are not on your own. If you feel even 10% as bad as I do right now then you have my deepest sympathy.

My mom passed away two years ago and yes I can say I feel the same way you do, still two years later. I am a nurse and I have had my patients pass and I know they are in a better place. It is different when you are with your mom and she passes, its like the world has stopped. It will get better in time. My mom once told me a broken heart will mend, it just takes time, a lot of time. One other thing to say is take all the time you need to heal from the inside. My deepest sympathy for you

I don't know if you're a dog person, but my poodle is my life line right now. Love in it's purest form. I am having a hard time functioning as well. Animals are the only thing that ease the pain. Or should I say, mask the pain :) . Just lost my Mom before Christmas. She lived a distance so she was to visit for Christmas. Then move in with me come spring. I can't fathom that she no longer exists. 24/7 on my mind. I know your pain. I certainly hope this gets better like everyone says because all I've felt is worse every day. My thoughts and prayers are sent your way for comfort. I talk to a star to the left of Orion, a lot that represents her. I don't know what your beliefs are but faith and wallowing in thoughts of her spirit are all that get me by. It's a good thing I work alone often. People would find me sitting on the floor crying too much. Take care.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I cried as I read your blog.. 5 years have passed since my mum died. I have had two kids since then and it hurts when I see grandparents enjoying their children. I have no babysitter as my dad is way too old to look after my kids.... When things get bad don't do what I did and contact psychics. Boy was I stupid for doing that!!! Ask Jesus for help and he will help take the grief away...

Here here!!

Hello, I just lost my mom Oct 12th 2013, i'm not taking it well, I wanna die.. Are you doing better now that its been a few yrs?

Hi Mickster, So sorry for your loss! Oh my gosh, the same day.. I wanted to do the same thing you did, but she was over an hr away at the hospital then moved to a nursing home close to her home and closer to me but I know someone else is in that bed, she was only in it for 15 hrs then died. I can't even go past her apartment bldg. or visit her good friend that lived there.

I act like a baby but I don't care, I live alone and most people I'm around lost their parent too and can relate.

I looked at her picture alittle bit ago for the first time since and I lost it, it was terrible, my eyeballs are all swollen and red, today was a bad day.

My friend is going thru a rough time right now, her mom just got diagnosed with cancer and its spreading all thru her body, she is devastated, we both just cried and cried. Life will never be the same now, I'M LOST now.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss and your pain. I too lost my Mom three weeks ago. Just look around you, shes there. Shes in everything beautiful... she in you mind, listen for her voice.. She's in you heart, feel her beat with yours.. She's in your blood, she gave you life! One day at a time.. one minute, one second... Time will be good to you.. time will soften your pain my friend.... it sucks, it really hurts, it's the hardest pain you can experience, I know, I feel it every second. Be good to yourself and give yourself time for this life change and what I call, my new reality... love to you..

My mum died 1st September 2013
My dad died 17th January 2013
I'm feeling very numb at the moment more so over my mum the weight she lost the tests she had that came back clear,
The CT scan that came to late and showed that the tests that had been done were obviously not done properly,
Lung cancer, liver cancer, pancreatic cancer all took my lovely mum,
But we have to keep going through the grief
We have to make a life for ourself without them it's going to be hard we will go through lots of emotions, but in my heart of hearts I know they will be with me wherever I go and whatever I do.

Same thing happened to my very lively 82 y/o Mom. She had had cancer 12 years ago, got checked and got the "all clear" every year.Then how come a CT showed it in her lungs,liver/spleen,and pancreas? I'm so upset all this cancer was missed. Was it not important to anyone that this lovely lady live? Instead, I had to watch her die, watch my intelligent Mom be reduced to a childlike person. My Mom was so BRAVE thru it all, saying "I had a good run, most people don't get 12 years after being diagnosed with Melanoma" She might have been ready, I wasn't and not ready for this grief, it sucks.......Im SOOOO SAD

I share your sadness. My Mom passed on Aug 16, 2013. I MISS her so....much! She would have been 84 y/o on Oct 12. The saddest birthday ever! I hope it gets easier for all of us! I know exactly what you're going through!

My mum died when I was 12 I still remember the last thing she said to me.I knew she was really sick. She told me everything was gonna be better and we would have ice cream after she got her operation. I still go to her grave & give her flowers. I miss her so much.

<p>My mom died last week on August 24th 2013, and I am still devastated.<br />
She was not only my mom, but also my best friend. We talked two - three<br />
times per day before she became too ill with cancer to speak. I still saw her<br />
everyday. I lost my dad last year from cancer (a year and one week) before<br />
my mom. As an only child I feel like grieving, and I do, but I am also in charge <br />
of all moms financial stuff too. I miss her so very much and I cry daily. I hope and<br />
pray things get better in time.</p>

It has been just over 3 months since my mom of 55 years old passed away on May 27th, 2013. That day seemed longer then usual. I'm 23 years old and have an identical twin brother and an older brother that lives about 1000 miles away. I miss my mom so much, and what makes it worse is I feel like I treated her so badly in her last few months of life. But, to be completely honest I have read some of these posts and have come to more peace as I no longer feel like I'm alone. Sitting here on this Saturday night and thinking about her, searching in google " 3 months since my mom passed away" The night it happened was a night my brother and I will never forget.

It all began on May 7th, we went to the hospital because my mom had swelling of her legs, and she was always falling asleep. Me and my brother thought that because she was taking large does of Morphine for her back pain, that this was the reason. We got to the hospital and she was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. The doctor said " Well, it looks like you have a little heart failure, don't worry we will get you better" My mom did not have medical insurance as she was let go from her job 3 months prior and lost it. I remember me and my brother and mom all crying together, when they told us the news. She was such a strong person, suffering from hep c, liver cirrhosis, colitis, and horrendous back pain from a surgery she had. She would always pull through it, and continue to live life, laugh and support us. She taught us from 13 years how to pay rent, and support ourselves and take care of ourselves. When we were younger we didn't realize that this was her ultimate goal, we looked at it as punishment. Well back to the story, My brother was hit harder then me and cried a lot more, and the reason is I genuinely thought that she had much longer to live, and I wanted to show her so much that I had time on my side. That night me and my brother had a huge talk about we have to start treating mom with all the respect in the world. I can tell you right now that didn't happen, again my stubborn self assumed that the medicine would make her better and she would return to normal, didn't happen. the days went on for about 15 or so days and she actually was doing really well. She was taking her meds, eating healthy low sodium everything, even making her own salad dressing very low sodium. She still did something that to this day think caused her death, smoked cigarettes. In fact the last thing on her shopping list she made 3 hours before she dies had four things.. smokes, shampoo, laxative and soap. She was a bad smoker smoking on average one to two packs a day for 40 years. My brother developed the nasty habit but has since quit cold turkey 3 months ago and has since never looked back. I to would smoke when I drank socially but have since stopped. She had an episode at about 3AM where she walked out of her room and told my brother who was sitting on the couch, " I need someone right now, a doctor and she clenched her chest and collapsed. I heard my brother scream like I never in my 23 years ever heard him scream before, " Kyle, She's having a heart attack!" as tears immediately streamed his face as her ran into my bedroom. I leaped out of bed in shock, as I was sound asleep for about 7 hours, and I rushed to her side, and looked into her eyes, at that time I knew she was dead. She was gasping for air every 10 seconds or so, So I thought she was alive. While my brother called 911, he moved her to the floor at which after about 2 mins her breathing came back and it was very fast, prior to this I had checked her vitals and I had gotten no pulse at all. She started breathing again, and her pulse had returned to normal, as the paramedics got there, they kept saying "mam, your hyperventilating you need to slow your breathing down" and when she came to, she had no recollection of what had happened. She was talking to them and refused to go to the hospital as the paramedic assured her that she was just hyperventilating and that she needed to calm down. The hooked her up to an EKG and monitored her heart saying, "yea there's nothing wrong with you, your just having a panic attack"... needless to say she didn't go with them.

Flash to 4 days later I remember leaving for work that day and the night before I said " Hey I love you" and gave her a kiss... I remember thinking on that as I left the apt. My brother had said " I love you to her before he left for work, and she responded " Love you too cookie monster" you know moms and their special names lol. I went on with my normal work life and at about 6:45PM we both get a text from her " is anybody home right now?", then after we didn't respond she said " don't worry I don't want you guys to pick anything up for me" and this text really upset me and my brother the most. Did we really treat her that bad where she starting to think she was a burden...I think so :(. the last text we received was at about 9pm and it said " Helloo anybody home?" I'm tearing up typing this part as this is what gets me going to most. I remember pulling up the apt complex at about 9;20PM and finished eating my dinner in my car, I stepped out and heard my moms car fire up. I thought to my self whats she doin?, I had planned to go upstairs and play video games.... had the next two days off. I waited for a minute watching her car as she turned on the lights and backed out of her spot. I stood there with my hands crossed and looked at her as she pulled up to me and I jokingly put my hands up to her window, which was rolled down and acted if they where closed. I said to her in a very soft and quiet voice, to this day I don't know why I said it the way I did " Hey, Where you goin? my voice gently and soft. She looked at me and said "Walgreens"....Then she said as she grabbed her chest" I feel like I did last time" and within 2 seconds seized up and did the exact same thing as before, as I saw this happen my first thought was that of anger, that she would always have these panic/anxiety attacks that would cripple her, I mean she cant even drive anymore ( she was in her car) as I stood there watching her gasp for air, I went to her side and tried to snap her out of this. I checked a pulse and got a racing heart beat, which I now know was ventricular fibrillation ( Sudden Cardiac Death).... but I thought Hey she came out of this before, the medic told me that it was just an anxiety attack. As time went on about 4 mins I realized color had begin to run from her face and skin.... I immediately called 911.... I checked for a pulse and she had none... I was panicking and honestly I was crying but had no tears.... this is hard to explain... I was crying but there was no tears falling....adrenalin had kicked in at that point. I got disconnected from 911 and immediately called again, and they told me to get her out of the car, and with all my strength I lifted her from the car and set her gently on the ground and began CPR. I was balling profusely and felt as if I was the only one in the world at that moment and my mom needed me and I let her down. The feeling is indescribable as I was giving my mom CPR. I felt as if my mom was right there with me crying because she saw how terrified I really was. As I was talking to her telling her not to go, and I loved her with all of my heart don't leave me right now.... I need you, Kory ( Brother) needs you. As the hum of her running car mixed with the approaching fire engine and ambulance grew nearer and nearer I felt myself slipping away..... The amount of emotions that were washing over me were to much as the fire truck pulled out they ran over to see a 23 year old man crying his eyes giving CPR to his mom, They said " Alright buddy, we got it" as I stood up I immediately felt horrified that this was really happening. The sheriff was on seen and there was a paramedic assessing me, and they began to ask questions and I was crying like I had never cried before. I said " I need to call my brother" I called him and he was still at work.. I said as I was balling " mom" and he immediately began to cry and I said "She's gone" He said I'm coming home right now and we said we loved each other. My brother had made a 30 minute drive in about 9 minutes. He told me that he felt like the car had wings......... I watched as they tried to resuscitate my mom for about 20 minutes...during this time a complete stranger walked up to me to comfort me... I had seen this man a few times before and he didn't really say much to. The one thing my mom did not want was to die alone. Now that I look back on the experience I was there with her, my brothers thank me because I was the " Gate Keeper" as they call it. I was with mom when she left this world. when the paramedic finally came up to me and said that she was gone, the man that I didn't really know immediately put his arms around me from the back and gave me a huge hug. to be honest I found a very strange comfort in that, normally I don't like random strangers lol, but this guy made a warm felling I cannot describe rush over me. He then went into his house, came out with some rosemary beads and said " here put these on her forehead" and poured holy water on them. My brother was just arriving when I saw his car pull up behind the police car and I ran to him, once agin breaking down into tears, he was numb. With a straight face and voice said " what happened" and punched the pillar of the parking garage in anger. he cried a little and had a straight face the whole time. it wasn't til about the 3rd day did he really break down and weep. He was devastated and we truly felt alienated in this world. You don't feel normal at all, I witnessed her die and actually felt somewhat responsible....because I waited o call.

That's really silly to do, but its a normal part of grieving. the blame game. After about a month I realized one thing.... it wasn't my fault and the negativity brought on by me thinking about was just as bad as her passing away. When I think about what she wanted, and that was us to be self sufficient and happy... that's what I want. I think to be completely honest, She was ready, there's no more morphine and pain, and suffering where she is now. No more horrible cramps, or sicknesses. No more sadness or fear. When I witnessed her passing looking at her, whispering "You did a good job" " I'm sorry" I realized that she was just as scared of dying as anybody else....it actually made me feel more at peace with death....She didn't look like she was in any pain for any real time....she went in peace, and with one of her sons. I now am at a point where I'm not over her passing away, and in fact never will....but that's okay. Don't let it control your life.... everyone on here has said it in some light or another, if you forget about her then that's not right..... its like a scab it will heal over and sometimes you'll pick at it, and it will tear open. and you have a good cry. Me and Kory cried hysterically at the original Fox and The Hound at the part where Todd is being released into the wild... That song, signifying a mother releasing her son into the world after taking care of him, and showing him the way. Call me weird but that was my mom and ours favorite movie back when we were growing up and it hits home every time we hear it. To all the people who have experienced loss, I say this to you.....It will get easier I Promise you! if you think about suicide your failing your loved one... it was mentioned here before what would they want from you. If anyone needs help I'm here

Kyle

i feel bad for each and everyone one of you,My mom just lost her sister/bestfriend June 2014 after a minor surgery left her full of cancer,she lived 28 days after that and was gone..My Mother couldnt grieve for her sister because my grandma/her mom lived with my for the past 10 yrs and my grandma had dementia so if she would see my mom cry she would ask and my mom would just say oh having a bad day momma..My grandma passed away 3 days before christmas 6 months after her daughter/my moms sister passed away,my grandma died of the flu and was home when she passed away,with me and my brother and unlce in the kitchen while my mom laid down to take a nap,,When my mom heard us screaming she opened her bedroom door and walked straight into the kitchen without even glancing in my grandmas room to see what we was screaming and crying about...my mom set at the table numb no emotion,me and my brother called funeral home to come get her,i changed her clothes and brushed her hair and kissed her goodbye, My Mom blames herself because she was up all night the night before checking on my grandma,She went to take a Nap and her Mom died because she needed to lay down she was tired And she couldve saved her and she didnt get to tell her by and how much she loved her while she was dying my mom just isnt right anymore ,Here it is June 19 2015 My aunt will be gone a Year in 9 days and my mom is just lost...I know its alot for her to handle with her sister and her Mom,,But i need her to understand Im 31 with a 10 yr old son,,I need my mom and he needs his grandma Ive been right next to my mom since i was 7 and she divorced me Father..My mom lived 12 mins from me for the past 10 yrs since i got married and moved and a baby...I have to see my mom everyday or i get a sick feeling almost like homesick..3 yrs ago i bought the house right across the street from me so i could get there faster for her or my grandma,Plus i could walk over and see her 50xs a day...My mom isnt in good health she has mini strokes and everything diabetes,Nueropathy,COPD,Bad Heart....She has had problems for the past 6 yrs...Since my grandma has passed ive been here everyday before my mom gets up in the morning till she goes to sleep and ive even just crawled in bed with her and stayed the night atleast 60 xs since my gma passed..Im so scared my Mom is giving up that IM half crazy worrying that shes going to leave me all alone and i will not be able to cope with..Ive cried about my aunt and gma 1 time in front of my mom to be strong for her but i need some advice please i dont want her giving up on me!! because i cant handle the thought of it...Im sorry for sounding like a lil girl but my moms my best friend always there for me and my brother always and im always here for her i need her here with my im 31 shes 53 my gma said strong for her for 53yrs she can atleast fight to stay for me and my son and husband...

My mother literally passed away yesterday...and it's the hardest thing that I have ever been through because me and my mom were best friends...and I miss her..I can't say that you will get completely over the fact that she's gone or even the pain and numbness..but I can understand what you are going through...I'm 18 years old and honestly I feel like I have no reason to live..I have no mother nor father and my family hasn't exactly been around me recently so I feel like I have no one..I'm losing friends constantly every day and even now as I write this I remember all the good and all the bad but mostly I remember that she raised me to be a strong young man that would have to take care of himself one day..and I love my mother so much I would trade anything in the world just to have her back

Yes. My mom passed 11 years ago. I was 31. She was my everything. She adopted me and showed me love like no other. Her and i were extremely close. We would talk on the phone several times a day and see each other several times a week. There is a huge hole in my heart that only memories can fill. I miss her more than words can ever explain but I'm at peace because what we had was so special. She made me feel something special. I think if her every day and when I cry they are tears of joy. She has taught me to love my children and others. I will see her again. That gets me through my days.

*** u

It's exactly a month since it all happened. I thought I was ok and didn't cry much until now. I see no point to life n I'm really depressed. I struggle with what pills would make me die and get out of this world ASAP. I am 26. Don't know if I will be able to handle this. I just want to end my My life there is no point any more.

Dear Mummysgirl4eva,

I am 30 years old, and I lost my mom December 17th, 2012 (4 days earlier I had lost my Grandmother, my dad's mom. The impact of the double deaths has really hit my father hard... He was married to mom for 42 years. It is incomprehensible that 4 months have past since that tragic day. She was so sick so we took her to the hospital in an ambulance but still expecting her to come home. I even packed her a bag with clothes and toothbrush. She died within 24 hours. It all happened so quickly and it was nothing less than horrifying to watch what she went through as they "took their time" to try to save her life, but it was too late. "thank you doctors and nurse staff!" Hmph. The treatments they attempted on her are visions that nightmares are made up of. From the ambulance ride to the moment we decided as a family to stop the medications that were keeping her alive (her organs had already shut down - supposedly... We were never given a conclusive answer on that), I never left her side unless I was asked by the drs/nurses to leave the room while they did performed very painful procedures on her with no pain drugs. It was and still is my nightmare. I wouldn't wish for anyone else to see their loved one feel the fear and helplessness as she did. I could see it in her eyes after they inserted the breathing tube and strapped down her body and arms to the bed - she never spoke again.... I heard her voice for the last time about 10 hours before she past away. I think the word nightmare sums up a lot of my emotions for those 24 hours at the hospital. For me, i never know what type of day i will have but for some reason in my grieving process each day either feels like (1) it is Dec. 17th and my mind is reliving on the thoughts of what words should i say as my last goodbye to my beautiful dying mother, and also, what to say to God before she leaves her earthly body or (2) dec. 17th feels so distant, like 10 years have already gone by.

Anyways, I feel like I can somewhat relate to the crazy emotions, changes in life, and grief laziness that you may be experiencing. I understand your struggles with the emotions you are dealing with. Do not let her death define you. Let her life define you. We are all waiting for our hearts to heal, and honestly, I don't think our hearts will ever be completely whole again. But you must remember that she loves you and hurting yourself is the last thing she wants for you. If she could, moms would trade their lives for their kids without a second thought so don't throw your gift of life (the gift YOUR mother gave you and wants you to have and to experience) away now that she can't even be give an option to help you. My mom was my number one fan... Somehow she made everything in life seem like it would be "ok." Now that she is not here, I keep telling myself reasons why I am thankful to have had her for the time that I did... And so very thankful to have been given such a wonderful and compassionate woman as my mom and friend. Thankfulness has become the the emotion I have been holding on to the most as I take each day at a time.

Many people will not understand what you are going through. Sometimes I feel like people want to tell me to get over it, she is in Heaven, and/or move on. (Not in those words, but you may have experienced something similar). I strongly suggest you find a support group for people your age that have lost a parent. there are a lot of organizations that offer free grief counseling services along with the group sessions. I think I would like that better than the 1 on 1. But that is a personal preference. i am about to start attending one in May.

Please do not let loss be the loss of another. Especially for the reasons as you described for wanting to end your pain. Just keep talking to her (your mom). She hears you. I really do believe that. And know that you are not alone. Also, i am starting to read A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. You might want to read it too. There are a lot of things in that book I have been able to relate to. And if you need more support, I am here and can send you my email address or something like that.

Hugs!

What a beautiful post KVD35216. My sister is in terrible shape. We lost my mom this past September, coming up on a year. We were all close to my mom, six of us, and one of my sisters and my little brother were the closest. My mom also ended up on life support. There was a DNR but we didn\'t know it was for home, not the hospital. I was the 1st one there after my sister called me, I did not expect to see that. My sister lost her job the August before my mom was dx\'d with stage IV lung cancer. She took care of everything. We did share dr and chemo appt but she set everything up and spent the most time with her. She is still out of work and has twice talked about suicide. She told me this past weekend that she has a problem with alcohol. I\'m 17 yrs sober, I offered to go to a meeting with her but she didn\'t know if she wanted to go. My mom was her best friend, she feels she has lost everything. She may even have to give up her home, which she spent time and money on to get it to be just the way she wanted. My little brother has not spoken to us since my mom\'s service. He said that we killed her because we took her off life support. I have been seeing a bereavement counselor through hospice since October. It has been extremely helpful. My sister went to a group for about 3 months but the area she\'s in does not offer one-on-one counseling. I tried to get her to come to where I am. She\'s about 25 min away but with no job she doesn\'t want to spend the money on gas and a toll for the bridge. I\'ve been very nauseous today. At work , not getting much done.

Very well put. Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. God bless you.. He will see us through this storm, so we can help others. :)

How are you today? My Mum died on Boxing Day. I can identify with everything you have said. Grief is hard as hell. It hurts. Boy it really hurts and it hurts because we loves them and it helps us to live again. Not right away, no that would be wrong. If we could simply wake up as if nothing had happened. Yes it will hurt and yes it will get better. You will heal in your own way and in your own time and yes there will be a few bumps and crashes along the way. Be kind to yourself. On her very best days that's what you Mum would tell you.

Reading your story made me cry. I just lost my mom two months ago as well. She killed herself by falling off a building. I spoke to her over Skype the last few hours she was alive as she was in Europe and I stateside..Unfortunately, our conversation was not beautiful like yours (You can get a better idea by reading my story).
What I'm getting at, is that I feel the same way you do. My mother was only 36...too young to die. I feel guilty and sad...but mostly its an emptiness. A feeling of all the joy in me having been taken out...I can't be happy. I try, but it's only momentarily. How do we go on? I simply want to be with her again. Just as your mom was to you, my mom IS my world.
I can relate. I push the ones who were there with me and FOR me through this away...maybe we're doing it because the world continues to go on when we just want to to stand still and grieve with us...feel our pain. Perhaps we're not allowing ourselves to be happy-maybe we feel guilty about it...like we're betraying our mothers.
I don't have the answers, but you are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain.

my mother did the same thinng she was depressed i was away from home and spoke to her a bit before and she jumped of a motorway, bridge, it has and still it is very hard to get over, as i was young the time i miss her loads and even thos it ten year ago the pain never goes away no matter how much you try to get over it.

Heaven is a beautful place. Read your bible and first off know that she is more than ok. Second know that God loves you so so much and last but not least the devil is a liar and wants to steal your time with negative thoughts and keep you from knowing Jesus to keep you from seeing your mom again in EVERLASTING LIFE. I know what you are experiencingf
first hand

What more do you need ! when you know that your Mom loved you and helped you to be the man you are today. Keep her love in your heart and be a better person and things will get better.
My mom passed way on 21st dec2012, I know how it feels.

Please try to get over your pain and try to contact your family and be close to them. Try to be normal and happy for your mother

Sorry for your loss. I can understand exactly how you are feeling as I lost my mother just a week ago. Same thing happened to me and I don't know how to react because I think I can never forget myself for not understanding her or supporting her or taking enough care of her. I am in a terrible shock and I don't know how to react. Please help me

I lost my dad on 30/11/12, he died suddenly after having a heart attack. I am so lost without him. My mom died six years ago, in fact my dads death was one day short of the sixth anniversary. There is no doubt about it, my life has changed. I have a family, children and a job and yet I feel so lonely. I am hanging on to the thought that it will get better, although I know that I will never get over it, and will have to learn to live with it. No one knows what it feels like until it happens to you.

My mom died from a drug over dose early nov 2012, I was 8 months preg and I found her. I'm lost. I have my baby ppl keep telling me I will be ok bc I have him. I don't feel ok to top it off I lost my grandmother( her mom) in august. I was relying on my mom to get through it, those two women were all I had, it's unfair my babe didn't get to be held by them. I'm so so lost

I feel like I am so alone. I just lost my mom on Nov 27, 2012. She went into a coma during her sleep early on Thanksgiving morning. I had been her caregiver since August when she was diagnosed with End Life Liver Failure. We had just gotten Hospice involved, and when she lapsed into a coma at home, we were blessed to be able to transport her to our local "Hospice House" where the staff are true Earth angels and helped me so much in taking care of her the last few days of her life. I was there when she passed...I had stepped outside the patio door from her room to get a breath of air...before I stepped outside I told her that it was okay for her to go because I knew that she was so tired of being so sick. I promised her that I would take care of everything here if she wanted to go ahead and walk into the Heavenly Garden. I was standing outside praying for her to feel no pain and for her to be accepted into the Heavenly Gardens when it was time. I stepped back into the room, and shut the door, and a huge wind blew through me, blew my hair out around my face...I thought I heard thunder and a breath, I went to her bed and laid my hand on her chest and felt the end of her heartbeat...she was gone. Now...I haven't even had the chance to really grieve yet, I have been so busy with her legal matters and clearing her apt., and service arrangements. I am living on the edge of my emotions....I feel like I am on the edge of an emotionial cliff, getting ready to fall off...I know it will happen but I don't know when or where...or what it will do to me. I can't focus on anything...so far I have stayed away from people and places because I can't stand dealing with anyone right now because I had to do everything after she passed with no help and had to stay so strong and calm to take care of everything...and I had to keep my emotions in check because all her elderly friends and family were in such an emotional state ( and they all have health issues that I feared would cause a heart attack or something during it all.) Now, I am a shell of a person, devoid and empty, losing weight and I look awful because I can't sleep...I keep running through her last days in my head. Will it ever get better.

dcgid.. Very sorry to hear about your loss. My mum passed away 4 days after your mam left us. My world as I know it no longer exceeds to me at this present time. people tell me it will improve in time. I am a 60 year old man from Leeds in England and my life is full of ups and downs but this down I am having at the moment is possible more then I can cope with. I have tears rolling down my face as I am writing this because I do know what you are going throught and I am so sorry for your loss.
Good night and god bless to you

When you said good night god bless I said that every night to my mom she passed dec 12 2012 and I can not pull myself out of this I don't even know what to call it I'm so sad angry depressed and 1000 other things my mom was from Belfast Northern Ireland and she had end stage liver disease and I had worked and fought day and night and got her on a transplant list but then she had a stroke I never left the hospital for 3 weeks I don't think I showered slept in a chair and was there for her very last breath but I keep thinking what went wrong how could I allow this to happen I promised her I would get her well and I didn't I couldn't .. I'm lost and empty can't do anything I don't see things getting better either but this site is great and there are alot of people that feel the same my mom was my life from 5 am to 5 pm everyday for the last 6 years she was my everything I am waiting for a dream of her but she hasn't came to me yet I need to know if she is ok that she found her way cause here on earth she couldn't do anything by her self not because of sickness but she just relied on me for everything ..

The loss of a parent is difficult and requires time to grieve and put it into perspective even though we wish the pain would go away and we would feel better right now. What I wish for my children when I have passed away is that they enjoy the precious life I and their father gave to them. We do not wish our children to grieve us to the point of no return. Let grief wash over you. Spend time with children or animals, volunteer with children or to help animals as having someone innocent needing you is most nourishing to the soul. As you focus on these activities you will begin to heal from the pain of your loss. Let your self find your way now that your parent is gone, remember them with the love they imbued in you and be open to sharing your love with someone new, as in a partner in life. Go gently into the days and nights ahead of you. Find peace and solace in the memory of your loved ones. As you do this your heart will open to new experiences and people, and ultimately love. As a parent, that is what I wish for my children when I am gone (their father passed away fome time ago). Anna

I REALLY want to do your suggestions but it is so difficult to give up this quote reclusive wall building life I have made. I am a social person, but I just can't get out of my comfort zone which is spending time alone at home... It is really the only place I feel safe from pain or even potentially experiencing more pain. How do you find that drive to break down those barriers that have brought you so much comfort in the past 4 months?

I too just want to lay on the couch all day and have no one talk to me I hate going anywhere. I can t even grocery shop anymore, I go and just throw things in the basket w/o knowing if we even needed it. I cant mention Mom to anyone w/o crying still, so I avoid talking at all cost. I keep visioning her in her last days, it took me and my three sisters to get her on and off the commode. She insisted on still using it even after 8 days with no food and 3 days no fluid. She didn't want anything anymore in those last days, we were not depriving or keeping her from food and drink on purpose. She was so weak, she would sit on the commode with a blank faraway stare, like she was in another world too, and a small part of her was still here. That's what upsets me the most, I cant get that vision out of my head. She was so helpless and that wasn't like her She was a strong, opinionated, well versed 82 year old, and at that time she was a little baby. it was all soreal and so proper that we as her children took care of her in the end as she took care of us in the beginning. I loved her so much and I only realized that in her last 2 months. I know I always loved her, but like I said she was very opinionated and sometimes to the point of being annoying, but how I would love for her to be saying things to me right now. She would always say "you should do this, you should do that" like all mothers but when your 53, it's annoying to hear that. But I found out she loved us so much, all four of us. She raised us herself, my ***** donor left her with four girls under 10 no child support EVER. She put braces on all of our teeth, paying the orthodontist for 10 years. We all had what we needed, she made sure of that. When your a kid you don't realize how much your parent struggles, now I know. I have 2 girls that aggravate me to death, and I always think "Wow, Mom had this times 2" She was the bravest at the end, and so strong, still wanting out of bed until a day and a half before she died She was on Hospise for 2 months so she died a natural death, as the cancer spread and her organs shut down one by one . She had every stage that we read about In the end, death came so peacefully, she took 2 last breaths and that was it Her eyes and mouth closed and a glow appeared on her face and she never looked so beautiful. I took her picture because she just looked so beautiful. She stayed with us for an hour and a half until the funeral home could get her and she stayed warm, we held her hands and kissed her face, I LOVED spending that time with her and I think her beautiful looks were her gift to us. She didn't do any of the things we read about what happens to the deceased, she kept her dignity to the very end and beyond . Im still grieving so hard, it's been 4 months. I start grieving group in 3 days. I didn't think I was going to need any help, but I do. People are so insensitive "oh well , she lived 82 years" SO??, She was my MOM, MY MOM and I'd rather have her here again.

Most people do not understand why I can't just jump back into normal life... Like exercising, social dinners, girl night, etc... But I really believe I am too sensitive at this point in the grieving process, and I take everything to heart. It is hard to forgot what people say and then I start to analyze it... "Are they really a friend or do they even care?" Unless you have gone through it, i keep my expectations low for a lot if people in regards to sympathizing with my weak heart and fragile soul/mind/ heart. I always keep go back to the memories and past experiences that it is my mom that could help me feel strong or lift my spirits in times similar to those. Now I am learning the role of of dealing with sadness, hurt, low confidence all on my own. I am not married and i have no kids so the solitude is probably not helping with my strong desire to keep feelings silent and to repress emotions. I find myself not talking very much in group situations and honestly just wanting to leave and return back to my comfort zone, home. You know, the place that I have built up the brick wall. ;)

Hello I feel for all of you so very much and I wish the best for you. My mom passed away 9/21/12. I was caretaker for her and best friend, companion. I moved back from CA to live with her in our family home. She had heart issues and then other complications. I did not expect her to pass so soon. She went to the hospital, then hospice and died soon after. I was of course not prepared, as if I ever could be. During her last month, I had stayed up all night every night to be sure she was all right. I was exhausted and in deep pain from fibromyalgia and other health problems. I did it because I love her more than anything in this world and I did it willingly. We were very very very close. Now, after her death, my sisters want me out of the home so they can sell it and they want to go through everything including my things which are a huge part of the home as my mom was unable to walk towards the end and so did not go downstairs. I work in a business that requires me to review items and my home is filled with them and I have commitments to work that I had to put off to take care of mom as well as my health appointments and regular life. I simply wanted to get healthy (able to walk) , grieve my mom, finish my work that was promised (a great deal with the holidays), make it through the holidays and then start to clean the house as it is messy with my things. Then, I figured, if they want to go through it even though my poor mom had nothing of worth, not even enough for her medical bills. But, this is not good enough for them. My older sister out of state who has abused me emotionally and physically when I was small will not let up and insists she come in as executor. Which is all right but there is no understanding of my health or condition. She is hostile towards me and has written horrible things while my mom was still alive. I was the one that lived with her and spent most time with her. My other sister is not talking. So, I am completely alone in a town where my friends are not (as I lived out of state previously) and where I have no help. Winter is here. It is cold and they want me out. No one of the family speaks to one another though this is not my choosing. No one tries to be understanding. Lawyers are writing me letters. I get constant emails at 2 am that terrify me. Bascially, I am terrified. My brother in law yelled at me the other day and swore at me. when I went out to take out the trash. I did not incite it. I had spoken to a neighbor and he was upset that I spoke to anyone. I need help very badly. They feel that they are doing nothing wrong I am sure. They have homes, families and lives and have moved on. But, I am still trying to cope and I am very very sick physically and emotionally. I don't know what to do any more. It is horrible to grieve such a devastating emotional loss but to be attacked all the time and resented for being here is unbearable. If anyone has any thoughts, I welcome them. God Bless you all!

nyc99lon09 I am very sorry to read about your problems Its certain to me you need help for anybody who is willing. properly need to go to your doctors and see him or her . I have just lost my mum on Friday and I have never felt so lonely as I do now. I am on the sick at the moment and try to do jobs round the house each day but I have lots of health problems myself and when I am hurt with my disc problems i just start drinking all night. I know I am doing the wrong thing but I am trying to shut out my grief.

I lost my mom November 2010, weeks before her 63rd birthday.
Tomorrow is her birthday actually. I miss her so much too. A pain that is always there and puts so much hurt in my life. But i see it this way, she is in heaven so I must remain on this earth and be good...so I can join her in heaven when it's time.

You know, the question is - WHY? and a lot of responses I get is- There is a reason for everything.
I learned with my 3 year old son, that though you do not understand everything now, one day you will understand why. It's hard to explain to him why sometimes, but I know when he is older, he will know why I want him to eat well, or bundle up when it's cold outside. So I know things happen for a reason, perhaps my mom has suffered enough in this world that it's her time to go to Heaven and enjoy. Whatever it may be, it does bring me peace that she is not suffering. It's stil hard for me to talk to people I know about her, without sobbing and it's been 2 years since she's passed. I miss her so much and I wish I could call her and talk to her. Her and I were very close too.

nyc99lon09- Please- do not lock yourself up. Live your life and be happy. Do not waste it, as you will not get it back. Good luck my friend.

I'm sorry this happened to you; I imagine the pain must seem unbearable. I hope that you find healthy ways to cope and grieve. My brother died recently and I've gone to prayer, writing letters to him, and bieng around good people. If it helps I'm glad. I pray that you feel the peace that I feel.

my mom has just died I am in shock my life seems at the end. she was my inspiration I loved her so much I cant or dont know which way to turn I am normaly so strong but I feel so weak I need help

<p>I feel for all of you.I related to just about everything expressed in all of your writing. i was expecially struck by countryboy,and all the other young people with such pain-and such insight. I also believe your mom is your guardian angel.<br />
<br />
I tried to kill myself, but abruptly stopped before I could finish the act. A ray of sun came through the window on a couldy day, as I was about to swallow the 50 or so pills in my hand. I stood up and told myself it's not my time to go..My therapist said my dad, who died when I was 17, was my guardian angel, and wouldn't let me die. <br />
<br />
Please stay alive-for you and for them. It does get better. The pain lessens. I promise you-all of you. Get help. It's too hard to do on your own. <br />
<br />
You have to do one thing, and it's the hardest thing: Grieve. Cry, scream, go through it. If you don't, it will find you wherever you go. If you do, you will heal.Some people, like me,and probably a lot of you, have complicated grief, caused my the age our loved ones died, exceseve guilt and other things. Get therapy. Don't listen to people who say you wont feel better, because I'm living proof that you will! God bless all of you.</p>

I know how you feel. I lost my mother June 4, 2012, lung and brain cancer. It hurts so much, dealing with my depression everyday. I miss her...i know in my heart that life for me will never get better. I will be forever lonely.

Hi everyone, i lost my dad on 16/11/2010 so just o er 2 years now, he was 54, im 34 with four beautiful boys of my own its been a great loss, one i carnt describe to anyone! Since he passed ive felt so ill in myself panic attacks not wanting to be around people the lot, my mum struggles aswell shes 53 and finds everyday a battle, so its difficult around her too, ive got a great partner who is super supportive, but my life just seems so unreal at times, like im in a bubble and everything around me goes on but i dont take part in it.... My four boys suffer as i find it hard being around them.. I think when is this going to end!! As the hurt seems to become worse not better.. I totally understand how everyone on this page feels, life would be much easier if we were created without feelings

hey man im 15 and i lost my mom back in march i know your probaly thinking this kikd doesnt know anything well i do. my parents got divorced when i was six and my mom turned to gambling and drugs many a night ive had to drive my mom to the ospital scared shitless not knowing if she was gona make it ......one day i couldnt take it any more me and my two brothers locked her in her room for a week . she got sober and never went back she was the most lively that ive ever seen her she got a job and was making good money and she was dooing well.well on march 7 she was at work when she passed out and never woke up. i know exactly what ik was doing when i found oujt i was getting ready to go to church and i was outside when my brother rolled and told me thru tear coverd eyes that momma wasnt comming home....... i lost i turned to drugs and drinking two months after it happened i stuck my 9 in my mouth and pulled the trigger ..click... it bwas a dud i paseed out and the last thing i remember is my mom telling me that she loved me and death wasnt an option. ive been clean for 7 months now i believe that she saved me from myself i will always love her i believe my mom is my gardian angel so remember it can always be worse just remember death isnt option stick with it and the vpain dies down it doesnt go away but it dies down and with that i say goodbye and goodluck

I lost my mother in 2008 so 4 1/2 years have gone by but it feels like so much less. The first two years were horrible filled with regrets and pain.
While this has lessend with time I am still struggling for happiness, for any kind of direction in my life. I dont know what career path to take, struggle with self confidence, have been single for the entire 4 1/2 years and long to feel loved but am scared too. I just feel so low. I am living with my dad and he never asks about my life and what i might do. I need advice, but my mother was the only one who helped me with that. I miss her so much and its so so hard trying to find a reason to smile when I feel so alone and like my life is meaningless.

I feel so sorry for your loss.

I can feel the pain in your letter. You were close to your Mom. You cared for her. You tried to help her and she passed away. And the pain has increased over time.

It sounds to me like you need support. What would it feel like to share your pain with other people in a similar situation, here but maybe also in person? Is there a support group you could go to in London? I went to a twelve step recovery course at a church in London and it helped me a lot. I am still ambivalent over my faith but it was good for me at the time. For me it was about my Dad being an alcoholic. I think it may also help with grief and close family ties. I am thinking of going again because my grandmother died last friday and I really would love some support.

I also got a lot out of therapy.

I wish I could say more, but I really have limited experience with grief. I grieved my lost childhood last year when I went into therapy did the 12 step and something called the Hoffman process. I am in grief now over my grandmother (who raised me). It feels so different. Because she is just gone.

And we were just watching Karate Kid the other day. She loved me unconditionally. And I just feel so terribly alone. I also feel resentful that at this moment no one is calling me (not even my boyfriend) to offer support right now. I don't want to rely on my parents as it has taken me so long to create proper boundaries wiht them. So I was googling grief and found your post. Thank you - I identified with your pain and it made me feel less alone.

Sending you lots of love.

So sorry for your emptiness, I cried reading your story. I too lost my mom one year ago, it feels like just last week, I too can not get it together and cry with Sinatra music, now christmas music...our moms are who we've relied on since birth. Hope it gets easier to learn to be without her, it makes me wonder about the afterlife. Our moms wouldn't want us to be unstable & unhappy, we somehow have to find our smile, we have to stop thinking sad thoughts and think fun happy thoughts of them. How, I don't really know...I will find a psychiatrist soon, if it helps me I will try to relay what I have learned... May the God of the universe help us all. Please try to find some peace, for I will too.

I picked up the phone today to call her. To tell her that I was heading to the store, would she like for me to get her anything.
She passed away Sept. 30, 2012. Where is she?

I just lost my mom 11/11/12, my heart is broken, she took my soul with her! She was 68 yrs old, had been going through medical issues for the past 10 years, things got bad and good, she had 5 strokes, her heart stopped due to a heart attack she had last year, she had 3 toes amputated due to diabetic infections, she had pneumonia then it was gone, she had a weak heart beat, and severe anemia, she had high blood pressure since age of 21. All that and she made it through every single episode... We got used to it, as a child, I always thought she was a hero, she protected me and made me feel loved and safe... She was the only person that loved me for no reason.. She was everything to me, I loved her so much... I never thought she would really die!! She always made it through the worst then recovered and got better, she had rough days, her health changed, she needed care, but that was ok, as long as she was still with us. The past couple of months, she started to get better, she had blood transfusion which made her feel kind of normal again rather than weak and shaky, then she had a pacemaker placed to keep her heart rythem controlled so it wouldn't drop low, she was feeling better and told us how much better she was getting and she was looking forward to getting even better than that. She was positive and enthusiastic! One day she woke up normally, had breakfast, walked to the bathroom, went to her room, came back like normal, she sat on the couch, then she passed away!! Just like that!! I had spent the day before with her, not thinking she's gonna die the next day!! I'm in shock!!! It was not expected... At least I never expected her to die. I wanted her to live for ever! But God had other things planned for her, I can't ask why or anything, it's Gods will, and I should respect it. I just can't stop thinking about her, can't stop imagining what she went through while dying, and what happened to her soul after, I know she's in a better place, no more meds, or needles, or chocking on food. She's in Gods hands, who's most merciful and forgiving. I just miss her and love her so much, I wish I could tell her how much I love her, I don't think I could smile or laugh from my heart ever again!! I don't know how to be happy ever again!! Even though I have my son, my husband and my unborn baby on the way to look forward to, I know she would want me to be happy, but, how can I be without her?? I still can't believe she's gone!

My Mom passed away on 28 October 2012 - two weeks before her 63rd, and my 33rd birthday. It was such a shock, and her passing still feels unreal, like I might still wake up from this bad dream at any moment. She had been admitted to hospital at the end of July with renal failure - which turns out had been caused by an aggressive cancer of the bladder. Numerous surgeries were performed, to remove the bladder and afterwards to correct complications and infections that arose from the procedures. She eventually passed away due to suffering a fatal heart attack on that afternoon.

I have been fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how you look at it) that I haven't had much exposure to death of family and loved ones. Both of my grandmothers had passed away quite recently but we hadn't been particularly close and they lived pretty far away. Despite that, I did cry for them. Now my dear and sweet Mom is also gone and I am completely crushed. I am also struggling, not knowing how to best support my father. Does he need me around or do I give him space... it's a juggling act and I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I try to be there for him but I just can't help feeling that I'm not making much of a difference. We both seem so lost at this point and we miss her so much.. It's sad to know the pain and longing will never go away.

Hi everyone, I too just lost my mom almost 7 weeks ago. I am still in shock. I also lost my grandmother 6 months ago (her mom) on good friday april 6 2012. my mom and my sister
and I were very close. she had 2 beautiful granchildren who love her and miss them both. my mom got sick with bad stomach pains, that turned out to be a hold in her colon. still not sure how that it happened. she was filled with septic shock and was gone less than a week later. Its too painful to talk about but we were called to her room in ccu in pittsburgh just as she went into cardiac arrest. they worked on her for quite awhile, but nothing. yes the pain is great, the numbness is better because I don't feel anything, and no I don't know
if I will ever truly get over this loss. she was so young. I know there is a higher being because I have felt the Lord many times in my life and I know she is in heaven. There is a saying that we live with our loved ones on earth for a short time, live with them in eternity forever. I guess we all just have to go one day at a time. God bless you all and please believe me when I tell you that there is a heaven and a hell and I pray that you all will find peace someday as well as I hope for myself.

Hey, I can understand a little of how you are feeling. I lost my mum 2 months ago as well, and the reality is now really kicking in. we did not speak for the last three years, when she was in the hospice, i went to see her, we had words about why we had fallen out and then all was forgotton. I took her home at her request, she wanted to die at home. I looked after her and cared for her until her dying day, to which I am really pleased about. But now, I feel so sad about the times we have missed. I feel so bad, and every day its gets worse. Will I ever get over this?

Hello everyone,
I have been reading all of the posts here and just wanted to say that I understand all of your feelings and that life goes on without our loved ones even if we like it or not.
The only thing I could add to this is that just think how lucky we all are to have had our Mums and Dads in our lives and out of all the people in the world we were born to them. Some situations were not the best but, these loved ones were ours and loved us and looked after us and did everything they could for us whilst they were on earth.
I lost my Dad 5 years ago and I still have days when I get very sad but, at times I smile and I think about him and think that he would be happy that we are alright and I have my Mum to look after along with my husband and 2 sons.
I am lucky that I am close to my brother and his family and we have remained closer since the passing of my Dad.
Time does make things a little better by this I mean you never forget the loved one you miss but, the pain and the anxious feeling and the dread of the having to do daily things does take second place.
It will get better but, these feelings we experience are because we loved our Dad or Mum and their passing has made a huge impact on our lives. This is love and so we cry and miss them everyday but, they would not be happy to know that we are not living the life that they had hoped to be living. Try and live a life that your parents would have been happy for you to live.
Live for them.
Be safe and if praying helps you then do just that I know that my Dad is around us all. I have prayed and have talked to him lots and I get answered not physically of course but, I know that the ideas I have in my head are put there for my benefit.
So, get up in the morning and look for the signs cause whilst you are still in bed and crying they are talking to you and showing you ways that they are still around you.
God Bless, xxx

I wished my brothers were as sensitive as you. I arrived in puerto rico Sept 19th, 2012, she passed away the next morning. I feel like I'm in a glass room of emotions alone. I understand the range of emotions I am feeling. And its difficult when family members stay away and avoid. What I thought was the hardest thing, picking out a casket, turn out to be the only moment I bonded with any sibling, my sister, who took care of her at the end. She seemed in a rush to get it over with. The family seemed so disconnected and odd, nephews getting drunk, everyone in party mode. I am realizing that everybody copes differently with grief, even complicated grief, when someone has depression and illness it makes it difficult. In theEnd you really feel like an alien in the earth when you mother dies. I guess for those that ginuelly loved their mother it feels like the mother ship took off without you. This has made me superspiritual lately. Since family does not seem to care or reachout., I have beenfinding comfort in reading books about heaven and they seem to help. I now feel so bad about being so casual about other people sharing about their loss. It changes you for ever you seem to become another type of human on same planet you always excited.

Thank you

I just lost my Mom on July 30th, 2012.... Sometimes I think, I am ok... but days like today a song comes on and I become a blubbering crybaby! My Mother was my best friend, my roommate, my confidant, my world... we did everything together... from going to Church to going on vacation. A year ago she started going downhill with her health.... I had to step in and start taking care of her. On Feb 14, 2012, she suffered a cardiac arrest and almost didn't make it. Daily, I went to visit her in the hospital... stayed with her as much as I could. She was unconscious most of Feb and March... then they weaned her off the life support.... they told me she had severe brain damage and wouldn't be more than a vegetable the rest of her life. She proved them wrong... she started talking, then walking and was astounding the medical people on how well she was recovering. Days before Mothers, she got out of the hospital, but went to rehab. She was allowed to leave on passes... she got to go to church on Mother's day!! While in this nursing facility she improved greatly and on July 3rd she got to come home. We celebrated and rejoiced... but a couple weeks later, she got so weak she couldn't get out of bed most of the time.... ended up back in the hospital. After 3 days they released her to another nursing facility, but she hated this place. She wanted to go home, but we knew that I wouldn't be able to help her until she got stronger. So she went to her sister's house... 4 hours away! I went there for the weekend and then returned home alone... the very next day I get a call... Mom had another cardiac arrest... she was gone! My world was immediately turned upside down... and I haven't been the same since. I lost my home, moved into a much smaller mobile home... barely able to make ends meet. But even worse, I can't seem to wrap my head around why she got better, just to leave us.

How strange you posted this the day before my mother's death.
She died November 19th, 2010. She died five months after my 18th Birthday.
It hurts more so that she's gone because she was my adoptive mother. However, she was still my mother no matter what. I too have become different. I became very different when others let me down right after my mother's death. Now, at age 20, I'm on my own in college. It's so tough. I have placed a lot of faith into myself. That's why I'm still going, but there are days where I have to force myself to cry. I'm still in shock. I hope things get better for you as well as myself.

I truly sympathize, and I think I have changed too.
my mom died on the 1st of February 2012 and it still feels like yesterday. I am so lonely and miss the support of my husband. My parents were divorced, and although my das was there at hospital and funeral with his wife to show support, he fails to grasp the essence of grief I feel. I lost MY mom, the only person whom would give me sound advice and listen to me even if I am only sobbing. I miss her terribly. Often I cry when I am alone. I have no motivation to work further on my phd, although i have only 30 pages left, and worked on it since 2007. Life simply feels overwhelming, and I often have mood swings. I gained weight and hate how I look like. My husband and dad seem to be oblivious to all the innter turmoil I have inside. They keep focusing on visible signs of being fine like eating, doing the house chores, working, etc, but I am not fine. And I am not sure if I will ever be. Now we have the feast coming up, and it is the time of the year, where I miss her, and feel guilty for travelling with my family for a few days.
IT is tough, one has to re-invent himself, but this time without the help of mom.

I can understand how you feel. After I lost my Mom, I did not think I would make it, I did not want to get over her, she was my best friend. One thing that helped me was a promise I made to her before she died. She told me to not let what happened to her happen to me. In her case type two diabetes, caused heart problems. I am like you, she was really all I had. But I know that my mom wanted me to live, and make a good life for myself.

In some ways it is kinda the same thing. You cannot let what happened to your Mom happen to you. And you know she would want you to live, and make a happy life for yourself. So the days when you feel like you cannot do that for yourself, do it for her. It helped me to think like that, and to still feel connected to her in a way because of it.

It will get better, but you will always miss her, but it will get easier in time. Hang in there!

hello all I lost my mum 7 week ago she died from a blood clot on the brain. i had been swimming with her the day before with my son and she was fine then the nxt day I get a call off my dad saying my mum had died. think I'm still in shock. I feel so alone and depressed and I worry about my dad being alone and I'm scared ill lose my dad too. I'm just getting through each day the best I can .I don't look forward to anything now I miss my mum so much and feel so sad all the time. will I ever be happy again. my son keeps me going as he makes me believe things can get better but now I'm scared of dying and leaving him with no mum. I really don't understand life and why we are all here x

I sympathise with you truly my mother passed away 24 th dec 2012 at 10:00 Christmas Eve morning I was in my kitchen with my family wrapping up the last of my children's presents when my grandmother phoned me I thought it was strange because my nan always rings on Xmas day to speak to my kids to wish them a merry Xmas etc but her voice was a whisper and shallow and the words that every person dreads is the words that your mother has died she suffered for years with paranoia schizophrenia which was hell when I was a child but its something I tried to help her with but how do u help my dad was a drunk and some days I wish it was him that died not my mother but I can't turn back the clock i know the chain of my family has been broken but I know one day the link of that chain will bring us together one day so hopefully this Xmas will not be bad and I can stay strong for my children

I lost my mum on the 21 August 2012 she took an overdose, for the last 6 years of her life she was servely depressed, had taken about 30 overdoses & admitted to hospital, in this time diagnosed with chronic pancreatis Addison deasease & alcoholic, she went to rehab last Christmas, stopped drinking for a few months, the night before she died, she rang me saying Goodbye, she said she wouldn't take anything, after a long conversation of her being upset & angry, I thought it had calmed, I should have been there for her, but it just seemed the norm, found her the following day tablets all around the house with a pack still in her hand, I feel so guilty, the pain inside is unreal, I'm 36 with 2 gorgeous children, when will this pain end?

Hi everyone. My mum died on 18th July 2002. It was my twelfth birthday and it broke my heart. We all suffer the pain and the heartache, and to be perfectly honest we all change after that day. It took me a long time to accept it, and once I'd felt sad I too became very angry. With her, myself, and everyone else for that matter. The most important thing is to remember the good times, before she got ill, before relationships started breaking down, before any of the negative stuff. You need to do what you know would make her proud. No matter whether she was young or old, she was still gone too soon. Live every day like your last, because we all know how suddenly it can stop. I will be totally honest in saying until a year ago I was the opposite of the above. I suffered with really bad depression, I tried to throw my life away. I've got suicide attempts, violence and drug abuse under my belt now. But finally it clicked that all I would be doing if she was here would be hurting her. I'd be breaking her heart. So, the lightbulb turned on and I pulled my socks up. I look at her photos every day, I remember her every day. She will never leave me. You can even talk to her on your own, she might not hear you, but then again she might. Who knows where you go when you die. I don't believe in god, nor heaven or hell. Though I seek great comfort in imagining her here with me by my side. Things do get easier, with time and understanding. I wish I'd done things differently, I really onl made things worse until last year. Things can't get worse, so just put your chin up and do her proud! Don't push people away; we have all made mistakes. Some people weren't there but for all you know they were thinking of you every day but didn't know what to say. They may regret that for a long time. Hold onto whoever you can, because by pushing people away you hurt yourself further. Take comfort in knowing she is at peace now, and in a happier place. It hurts more than you thought possible, but embrace the pain and turn it into good. Work hard and play harder, play for yourself but for her too. Do well in your career because that's what your mum would want. Her dreams when you came into the world were that you would be happy and successful, so don't let this ruin it because it's her dreams you are shattering, not your own. Do her proud and be strong. That's what she wanted and what she still wants today. It's only as hard as we make it. Just remember that it happens to everyone, for all you know today it could be your turn next week. Keep that in your mind and make this week your best. Until next week, when you make that week your best. You know where I'm going with this. We all know your pain and share your hurt and anger, your confusion and your numbness. We share the regret and the remorse, and the hunger to have just one more day, even one more minute with our mum. We can't get her back, but we can keep her alive with our thoughts and memories, and by making her dreams come true by being strong, happy, and successful.

You could not be more right.

Hello everybody My mother died on 13 august 2012 , its been nearly 2 months now she was 50 and iam 28 , we were living together in the same appartment for about 6 years only me and her .. She was everything to me the air i breath , My story is very special : my parents divorced when i was 9 she left to another country i didnt see her for 6 years , i started seeing her only in holidays another 6 years then i went to live with her for 7 years , now she died all of sudent in a car crash , was waiting her at home calling her mobile and a guy answerd and said :" your mother had an accident and died " i was the only person there to take care of everything , i had to take her back to our country to burry her then go back to where we lived , there in no word to describe my sorrow , i waited soo many years to live with her when i was young , she was the only person that made me happy she was everything to me my mother n best friend she was so much fun to be with ,am living in the dark now ... Crying .. What to do ?! Nothing just waiting for better days

I am so very deeply sorry for your lost. OMG if I were near you I would hug. I feel your pain. This is so sad. You do not need to be alone, you need someone with you. I know going through this alone is not what you need to do. I am not sure of your belief as far as believing in God, but I can tell you this, he is the only reason why I am still here today. I just need you to find someone to help you through this time. I did not have anyone for me to lean on. This is what I can tell you. Emotions goes from sad to so very angry. It will get better. You read my story and it has been 13 years and I still cannot live in the house the house I grew up in, because she is not there. I cant give up because she taught me to be a fighter, but this has been the hardest thing in my life to deal with. There is no medicine in this world can cure how I feel. It is okay to express how you feel. Please do not hold it inside, and find someone who can help you during this time in your life. I am here you can always talk to me. I am no professional, but I am sincere and I do care and understand.

Thank you so much for your feeling and kind words , yes i have faith in god that's the only thing that keeps me alive she wanted me to be successful and happy so my goal now is to make a lige my own life yes its only 2 months i cry all the timr but crying doesnt help in anything ... I need to do somthing i dont know if this pain will ever go , ahhhh i misd my mama voice her beautiful big eyes , i misd her dancing in the house and singing , i miss her calling my name , no one call me tge same way ... May god have mercy on her beautiful soul , may god help all who lost theire mum ..
I have people around but no one replace her , am ok dont worry for me god with me

I am so sorry for your lost. In fact I hear you so very much. I lost my mother in 1999 it has been 13 years and I still miss her so very much. March 30 1999 when she left me apart of me went with her. I still cry and yearn for her so very much. I to got so angry with her, for leaving me here and she knew I would need her, but that is the human side of me. I know she is in a much better place now, she is not in any pain.I saw the pain she endure Cancer took her away from me. But because she loved me so much, because she was the best thing to ever happen to me I will forever love and miss her. I pray things will get better for you and it will. Just take it one day at a time. And if you want to cry, go ahead and cry. People tell me I should just get over it, but they will never understand and I do not care if they don't. I am telling you, how you are feeling is normal. One day it will be easier. But do not let anyone tell you how you are suppose to be feeling.

When you write your feeling about your momy its likr writing about her , for sure she didnt want to leave me she wanted to see me married and see my children of course she's in a better place , i think all mums will be in heaven bcs of all the love n devotion they give to their children , my heeling process is very hard , i even think that i will die soon too , i dont know if only me or do we feel that when we loose our loved one ... Iam so scared to die and nobody with me .. I dont know what to do

My story is just the opposite my 47 year old son lived he lived with us and helped us my son worried all the time about me.My son had a massive heart attack and his brothers ,sisters and many family members stayed at the hospital for 2 months until he died. I have 4 other kids all of them married when my son died I died also I cry all the time everything reminds me of him and I wonder if I can ever be happy.I feel guilty if he suffered just to make us all happy I hope we both can live for the rest of my kids?

My story is just the opposite my 47 year old son lived he lived with us and helped us my son worried all the time about me.My son had a massive heart attack and his brothers ,sisters and many family members stayed at the hospital for 2 months until he died. I have 4 other kids all of them married when my son died I died also I cry all the time everything reminds me of him and I wonder if I can ever be happy.I feel guilty if he suffered just to make us all happy I hope we both can live for the rest of my kids?

I lost my Mom in March. Every day I go through different emotions and most days I can barely get the strength up to cook and clean and smile for my family. I have days where I feel I can do ... something ... but then it's suddenly 3 or 4pm and I've barely moved from the couch. I wish I could give all of you the comfort that I also need. I guess knowing others are feeling their loss in the same way is helpful, but really, reading your stories makes me all the sadder. Grief is inevitable and I am so tired of grieving, but I miss her terribly. I don't really have "faith" anymore, so sadly prayer isn't helpful. I do talk to her sometimes and because we were so close, I can "hear" her answer, I know what she'd say. And the worst part of it is that she would be devastated to know how I have been affected, she loved me so much and would want me to LIVE. I wish I could figure out how.

I so appreciate reading all of these posts and many of them so recent - they have been so helpful to me to know that I am not alone. My mom (aged 96) passed away on Aug. 11, 2012 after being bedridden 24 hours a day for the past 9 months. I don't know how she coped so wonderfully while she stared at those same 4 walls every day. I went to see her every day and tried to cheer her up and entertain her and read to her and bring her some of her favorite foods. We were able to share such special times together. All along, I thought I was prepared to lose her, but I am still in shock and my heart is so incredibly sad - I miss her so much and have had some flashbacks in the last two days where I think she is still alive and I need to go see her. Then I remember that she is no longer here and that feels like a big jolt of grief that comes over me. I get the feeling that lots of people in my life think that I should be grateful that she had such a long life and that I should be "over it", but we were so close and I miss her so much every day. Thank you for all your posts and for how they are helping me to be patient with my grief.

I lost my mother on Sept 13, 2012. That word 'lost' bites me. I can't find her. I'm the eldest of 6 kids. I'm 38 and have three children who she loved and they adored her. Her death was sudden & even now we're not sure what happened. She wa obese, diabetic but we were monitoring her... she fell in the bathroom, called out to my dad and was gone. Her face settled into a smile around the funeral. She was beautiful. It had rained all day and then the sun came out and in her hand were the paper roses my eldest had made her grandma as a present. I spent years talking to her, relying on her wisdom, her creativity. It was always, "I'm going to ask mummy what to do."I yearn for her. But I've been thinking about this. I was raised catholic but lapsed along the way. But suddenly I WANT to believe in heaven, I want to believe that people see their parents and ancestors before they pass because there is something... Some inexplicable thing ahead. How can a spirit as powerful and loving as all our mothers' just fade away. Time is an illusion. bl<x>ink your eyes and your time too will come. What is best is to live the best life you can in honour of the ones you have loved and lost. Be good. Be kind. Be wise. And I hope you allow yourself to believe that they are waiting for us. I want to believe this. I miss her so much.

All of your feelings are a normal part of grieving. I am right in the middle of where you are now only I lost my son. Be patient and kind to yourself. Take long walks long baths watch some tv. It helps. Time is your healer. You don't realise this now as I don't but you will smile and feel normal again. You will always have a hole in your life as so will I. But eventually it will be bearable. Keep smiling and take care of you. That's what I am doing through this. God bless x x

Quoted from Stammy20 "I don't know if I will resurface from this. I still can not believe this is the natural human condition and I never took the time to fully consider it. I have lost both of my parents and my very dear aunt but every day people are losing. Losing parents, children, sisters, brothers, friends, lovers, husbands and wives. It just blows my mind to comprehend this. This pain is rampant in our world, ever present. There is no escaping it and yet humanity marches on. How do we? How do we continue to love and play and laugh in the face of all of this grief and death?"

Thank you all for posting your stories and sharing your hurts and losses. The above quote in exactly what I've been struggling with. I've lost both of my parents, my mom when I was 14 with two little brothers still, and my dad just a few years ago. It seems to me that each time I lose someone, even a business collegue a few weeks ago who I didn't really know all that well, we had just talked a few times and he was well regarded....but he was killed in a biking accident (a cycle race around Mt Rainier) and I cried grief that was gut-wrenching. Not even so much for the loss of a fellow business man, but for the hurt I knew was enveloping his family, grief at their loss and questions of why.

Stammy20, you verbalized my question perfectly - people lose people every day, but I know that not everyone is leading this life of 'putting on the show' and 'playing the game' then crawling into bed at night, and in the privacy of their own room, collapse into a pile of hurt and loss and tears.

I have tallied all the people I have lost in my life because it seemed like so many, and it was more than I thought. 33 people in my immediate family and 31 people well known to me, including the business man mentioned above, a pastor at our chuch, a friend's dad that I never met but had heard stories of for years, and felt like I knew him. Friend's parents. I know there are even some that I don't remember and I didn't include people that I knew that are gone now...like old neighbors that if still alive would be 100+ years old. Only the ones that distinctly marked me. That averages out to one person every 4 months from the time my mom died to now.

When I looked at those numbers, I was no longer wondering why it seems like I've been grieving for 28 years, necause I literally have been, but shifted to how do I love the people I still have without a fatalistic desire to detach from them (especially older relatives). The only one that I don't have this push away from is my son. And for him I cry and hurt at times because I know I will leave him someday and I hope and hope that maybe he won't care for me or love me like I did my parents, because I don't want him saddled with the overwhelming loneliness and loss that I've experienced.

Some things are different and may add to my personal equation...I was adopted so my parents were extra special to me, that they wanted me. I was awfully young when I lost my mom, and became a mama to my brothers. Because of that, I lost my teenage years, and my cart has been tilted closer to the depression line ever since.

My question is what can we do, if anything, to heal and live again. I have read of so many lives here that are altered and devastated by the loss of their loved ones, which are so genuine and painful.

I know this ache will stay with me forever. Especially my dad, he lived one street over from me and we were pals. I sat in the dark on the floor holding his hand the last night of his life. I never left him when he started to get sick and he went so quick. I am absolutely grateful that I was able to be there for him for those 4 months. Alzheimers made it hurtful for there were days that he didn't know me and that hurt too. It was like I lost him before I lost him.

Grief unchecked is torture. I have found that I must give myself time to cry, and then I have to check the clock and if it's been 10 minutes or so, I say 'that's enough for now' and carry on. I volunteer for others who are in need of support, I cherish my son, attend chuch and cycle. These help keep balance on my grief.

I've been in dispare so far that I wanted to just die. I am only here because I knew what a devastation my death would be to my son. It doesn't make any sense. Generation after generation is born and dies. Why are there just a section of us who would gladly follow our parents to the grave to get respite to the pain and loss?

I still miss my mom, but it's more of a regret, because I wish I would have had her longer, spent more time with her when I was little, paid more attention to her voice. Told her I loved her more often than I already did. Sometimes I still tell her. My dad, I just miss. From the core of my being. I miss my dad, the funny guy with glasses who talked with his hands, who never complained, who would turn the tv off the moment I walked in door and immediately smiled and asked if I wanted some cofffee...aleady on his way to the pot to make it.

Good lord, to have those that we loved so much then gone. How can that not change us, as it changes everything about us. I'm going to pray for all of the hearts represented here on this blog. For some relief or insight on our pain levels and even closure.

If anyone would like to communicate further, please feel free to contact me at barefoot_blu @yahoo.com I would be honored to talk with you about your losses and be a friend.

All my love,
Jill

my mother was killed on 17 august 2012 by a person without any reason.She get 14 bullets on her legs.when i reach hospital i cant tell u abt my pain. the first work my mother use was i will die i know i cant escape .I am youngest daughter of my mother my relation wid mother was so good.when she was alive i used to set with her kissed her,for hours i used to stare at her face.my love for mother is un believeable.after her death no one can knw my condition,i hat my life i want to commit sucide no one ever support me except my mom.Shoud i kill my self?my age is 20

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through with losing your precious mom - I hear how much you loved her and how much she meant to you and how very difficult it is for you. And, no, you should NOT take your life. You are precious and the world needs you - always remember that. Please keep reading these posts and know that there are many people who are with you in this journey of deep grief - we are here and you are not alone. I will remember you in my prayers.

I waa reading your post and i cried at when you used to stare at her face for hours and that's exactly what i did , and that's what any son daughter does when they addore there mum , my mother was everything to my people taught she was my sister bcs we look like each other and we always together , now i feel i have no home no family no friends , she was all of them all and so much more , she died 13 august 2012 she was 50