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My Mom Just Died And My Dad Is Already Seeing Someone

This wont be a long story. Its really just for some feedback. My Mom died Feb 2011 of breast cancer.  She and my dad had been married for 55 years. They lived in the house that I grew up in  since 1975. I understand that life has to go on, and I don't expect my dad to live alone forever. BUT does anyone think he is being disrespectful to the rest  of the family by having a 20 something year old girl in the house (almost daily) approx 1 month after my mom died? I was feeling so sorry for him, going over there cooking and cleaning for him. Now I'm hurt. If he wants to do that shouldnt  he go somewhere else. Why does he have to include everyone else in this madness???
rockyjohnson43 rockyjohnson43 41-45, F 53 Responses Mar 25, 2011

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My mom died three years ago when I was 14. A few months later my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend, Sherri. She is a wonderful woman but still it seemed so early and ithurt me that he had started dating again. Turns out he had actually gone on other dates before that and not liked them enough to tell me. Hell, when my mom was still alive she even tried to set him up on a dating site according to my grandma! She knew she was dying, it was a long time coming. And she knew he wouldn't do well alone. Before he introduced me to Sherri he was sitting on the couch in his underwater, eating cereal and watching stupid movies all day. My dad is a man who has never been alone.
But my point is, for my dad and maybe yours too, dating isn't about forgetting or replacing your mother it is about finding comfort and companionship again, about trying not to let their losses end their happiness. I hope that helps but I don't know if I put it right or if it's too late since you posted...

well my mom died when i was 3 and a while later my dad began seeing a horrible woman with an equally ****** fam (except her bro whos quite ok) she was an alcoholic and we argued ALL the time my dad usually took her side but sometimes took mine we did get along when she wasnt drunk but that was 1 time a week for like 1 hr only like if school was good that day i KNEW, SHE would make my day ******...then one day while i was on hols w/ my grandparents she left to skip to now 1 yr later my dad has been seeing women but i never met them then one day out of the blue he brought one home i didnt mind...until i learned she was staying for a day! it made me uncomfortable but i persevered but i was not happy that was yesterday then literally right now i find out shes staying again! i am NOT comfortable with this AT ALL but i dont want to discuss it in front of her but my dad wont leave her side and i should be in bed right now
how do i talk to him and what do i say without hurting him?

I know that I am too young to be posting on this website but I have a similar story. When I was 7 yrs old my mom got breast cancer and one year later she died. A couple years later when I was 10 he started to date again, My siblings and I never liked his girlfriends but we acted like we did so he would be happy. He moved into relationships to fast, after about 3-4 weeks one of his girlfriends was living with us. She was my least favorite because she is mean to all of us and is just a bad person. She does things such as making a mess and blaming it on either me or my big sister, but the worst thing is that my father agrees with her no matter how ridiculous she is. One I was asleep and they slammed open the door saying that I stole her phone, they ripped all of the blankets off of me and threw everything on the floor, they couldn't find it so they told me to clean my room, she went to the kitchen and it was on the table. She always targets everything bad or mean at me, she makes rude jokes about me and calls me bad words. I have lost my mom and now I feel as if I lost my father two.

We have almost the same kind of stories. My mom died a year ago and my dad started dating way much younger girls. He's 71 and dates girls in their 20s. We're not in speaking terms and he wants me and my sister out of his life. He treats us as if we're not family. Why is he like acting that way? I just can't understand him anymore. Will anyone please enlighten me? Thanks...

just tried to search if anyone could offer some suggestions experiences or comforts to make me feel better. My dear mom passed away this Aug, like many of you, she had suffered fr cancer for over 2 yr, but lastly when she reached the terminal stage, she can't eat, any treatments were just temporary released, she jumped from the 3rd floor of our house in a middle of a night when my father and i were still in sleep.
It's already so hard for me, the only child in the family to lose my mom, the most tough and brave woman who dedicated for the family for her whole life. just too hard for me. she is the only one i trust and my soul mate.
me and my parents don't live together ever since i was a 16. i used to live in other place for better education. my parents weren't that sweet couple. the reason why my mom still with this man is because to maintain me a complete family. right before my mom died she told me my dad may start his new family after she died. i kept it in mind and after the thing happened, i did have some 'heart to heart' conversation with my father. He said he will never remarry, and he can even cook for me and do the house work for me( I'm married and 28yr old now). But wht i dun know is he is too weak to live alone. though he's only 54yrs old, he's good looking guy, i just dun understand why he played words with me. in the 100 days after my mom's death, he text me and told me he already seeing a woman, she come to the house cook and clean for him. and she's divorced and with a 17 yrs old gal in home.even with their names or kind like 'background'. i just collapsed, i called him and shout and cried, i can't believe why i have such kind of disrespect father, i said i've lost my mother and now my father.

im so angry and sad, i sod almost everyday since my mom gone, now i also lost my father, and he gonna raise other's child? what i hv in my 17? i ain't ever hv a penny since my there's only my mom who work to raise me. and this man is not even came home until he drunk to turn to the roof over.

this house is aint no home , ever since my mom is gone.

Yes but how do you explain this to children. My son actually demanded they show his "ho friend" respect when he brought her home 3 months after they lost their mom. This weekend he forced them to go out to eat with her for dinner demanding that they act nice or experience his wrath. My 16 year old grandson throws up his food all the time, his skin has started to itch like crazy and he said he is sad all the time. My 10 year old granddaughter is so angry and calls herself bi-polar. She is a compulsive eater to ease her pain. My 8 year old grandson just failed his spelling test and said he doesn't feel like doing anything. My son is oblivious to their pain. All he can think about is his happiness putting a guilt trip on them, "don't you care if I am happy?" What about them? He spends their social security survivor benefits on the girlfriend and himself buying her expensive stuff and just got himself two expensive new pair of shoes. Yet my 16 year old keeps begging his dad for shoes cause his soles are coming off. This is since the beginning of the school year. I think this is selfish behavior.

my dad did the same thing Married to my mom for 41 years. it's not okay I don't think it's normal. I got a divorce when I was 35 and I couldn't see anybody else for a couple years let alone if my ex wife passed away. so no I don't think its okay for normal at all. Eddie Jorge I'm on facebook look me up I can talk to you anytime.

I lost my Mom in 1998 and months later, my Dad was out dating. I was so hurt that he could do this to us. He told my Mom & would never get married again. But he did! Here is what I learned. Some men do not know how to be alone. They are totally lost. My dad dated only middle age women and eventually he got married again. It was bad enough that he dated but then he got married. My sister & I spent his wedding day crying. This woman put a smile on his face & his heart was joyful. She took care of him & spoiled him.

It was not until 2008 that my soul mate passed away after a long illness. I finally understood when your life partner (like my Mom & husband) is terminally ill you watch that person fade before you. You fight that fight with them but inside you start mourning for the person you love so dearly because that person is no longer there. Every day my husband apologized for being sick and every day I watched him struggle to get through the day. A year after he left me I started dating because I do not want to be alone. My son was upset with me. It was then that I understood no one should be alone. It does not mean we should go crazy & party & do foolish things. It just means we are entitled to be happy. Even if our children disapprove.

Your response is right on! I hope that more people really understand what you said. Life is for the living! The fact that a HOME GOING is meant to CELEBRATE the LIFE of the deceased, should ease the mind of the loved ones! So for everyone who thinks that falling in love with another is too soon(since you want to plan someone's future and count the days that he/she may have left on this earth) just remember LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!

i still think you should at least talk to your kids and explain and consult them before bringing your partner into the house because remember as a young adult myself i know its as painful for them give THEM time to heal as well its not you you you (directing this at people in general btw) kids need more time to heal than adults EG. my grades increased when my dads partner left then dropped when he brought one home and she stayed for two nights! my dad didnt even TELL me let alone ask i felt VERY uncomfortable having this... stranger staying over and it had a negative effect on me like i said this isnt directed at one person its for eveyone

my mum died 2012 and she has been with my step dad for 6 years and 7 months after my mum died he started seeing a woman who was my mums best friend, i dont kmow if this is normal or not ??

I have heard of this, actually it is quite common.

Well....this is pretty much what happened to me. My mom had Alzheimers for at least 12 years. My dad was the main caregiver, I tried to help as much as I could. After Mom died, I tried to spend lots of time with Dad so that he wasn't alone. Before my Mom was in the ground, my Dad yelled at me and told me that we needed to live separate lives. At the time, I thought he was just upset. Now he is pushing his family away, and is chasing a lady. I have always been close to my dad, but this week I have had to stay away from him. The last 6 months he has really been saying hurtful things and not doing things with his family. I have always spent time with him in Florida, but now I think he taking her to Florida with him. Tonight he asked me when my Spring Break was, and I had to tell him that I decided that I wasn't coming. What Dad doesn't understand is that his behavior has caused my longing for my mother and mourning of my mother to ocurr all over again. Not only have I lost a mother, but now I am losing my dad. It is very hurtful and he doesn't have a clue.... I am really having a difficult with all of this. I understand ow you feel!

Sorry for my Englise i am from Greece. I would like to talk from the aspect of a child. My mum died from lung cancer a year ago. It was very hard for me and my siblings. We loved her so much.Then my father changed behavior. He wants us to leave the house . He wants to live his life with other women. He does not care about us anymore.He tells us all the time to go away from the house so he stops provide us food. I have a brother who is 18 years old and my sister is 20 years old. I am trying to find a job but as you know there aren't jobs here in Greece because we have economic crisis. I don't know what to do.

I am writing about my own son and his family. My son's wife passed away 3 months ago. They were drinking very heavily that weekend, like they usually did, when she choked on her own vomit during the night. She left behind a 16, 10, and 8 year old. The two older ones are already angry about the drinking they had to endure, now the loss of their mom. Their life was uprooted because he's military and they gave him a compassionate transfer to be closer to home. Now he's texting and facebooking all kinds of women, but worse, he is driving all over the place during his leave with the sleaziest, ***** from our town. She is younger than him, and my daghter knows her life story because they were classmates. She was retained twice, went to the prom when she was in 5th grade, baby by 8th grade which she dumped on the dad, then another baby with someone else which she dumped again. Turned tricks in Hollywood to get enough money to get home, etc., etc. My two older grandkids know and now are really, really hurt. My 16 year old grandson said he hates his dad so much and can't wait to graduate. My 10 year old granddaughter uses food to console herself, and I worry that she will turn to alcohol to console herself. The little one was really close to his mom and was crying for his dad many times this summer while he was out running around spending LOTS of money on this *****. My daughter and I used all our money trying to take the kids out for fun outings and activities to keep them busy. My son never once helped us (my daughter is a waitress) and now is so broke, he had to borrow money from my husbund just to be able to pick the kids up from camp. My son bought this ***** a computer, an expensive purse plus eating out and staying in expensive hotels. I know he is experiencing a large amount of guilt for my daughter-in-law's death plus grief (they were always together ever since they were teenagers), but his kids are still young and in a lot of pain and anger. Now this anger is added to the mess. My teenage grandson has so much anxiety and can't sleep at all, but won't go to a counselor. Thankfully extended family on both mom and dad's side love them and support them. I worry about their future and am secretly angry and disappointed at my son. I can't be open about it, because he will cut us off from them.

In a weird way , he is grieving. My mom passed (liver failure) in 2009. he took care of her day and night. he was at her bed side till the last minute . he took care of her for five years and the last two were so ****** up. she suffered so much. she finally passed...then not even a few months later My dad did the same thing. And every few weeks when we would talk about my mom. He starts crying. I think that When you live with someone (wife or partner) an x amount of years its not healthy to be alone. my parents were married 30 years.Some people need someone there as a couple. She will never be my mother and she will be just a body to have around. I know my dad loves my mom so much and I know he gets really sad all the time. I hear it in his voice. Don't worrie about. Just go with the flow for now. He's just grieving , I think .

Let me speak as the dad. I am 60 years old my wife is 58. She is dying. Probably won't make it to 59. She has ALS along with dementia. She is the love of my life and I can do nothing keep her comfortable. Now I am a planner. I need to plan for my future without her. I have some ideas but no real plans. I know I will need time to morn and cry, but yet life goes on. We have three grown children and I plan to include them on my decisions. It is hard to say what is right for the grieving spouse should be doing. We all grieve differently. I know this will be hard for me and I must watch out for the scammers. I know my situation is different. Just the same care for your lonely parents they need someone to love and receive from. Most times from someone other than family. I hope you can see it from my point of view. But it does sound a bit odd he has taken up with a 20 something girl. Check her out.

Wow, just came upon this. My 80 year old dad has been scammed by 5 women after my mother died four years ago. He has lost his home and 100,000.00. to these women. We just found out in April 2012 this was going on. One of them is a convicted felon-19 years old. Since this has happened, I have become an expert on financial elder abuse. It is rampant across the country. Our family has always been close but like many families live a distance away, cannot afford to get home like we would like to while we talked to each other frequently. We have had to contact the police, retain an attorney, Adult protective services, Dad's doctor and the Center for Financial Elder Abuse. Dad has not been declared incompetent, so while he has had memory loss, macular degeneration, a small stroke, and habitually lies to us these women still take money from him. We wrote cease and desist letters to these women and contacted the one's probation officer.

It has created a big chasm in a lifetime of having a close family of 56 years. Now someone like perspective 01 is in Dad's life who has no idea of Dad's situation. She has no idea yet what has gone on. Dad is still the grandiose man that he was making it out that he has a lot of money and he is spending his money on her in large amounts while the checking account it going down and down. He is driving at night to satisfy her, while she does not know what danger both she and he is in. We have had to let go somewhat because he has not been declared incompetent and it is making my brother and I sick with worry and since we have taken all the proactive choices the attorney outlined there is nothing left we can do. The attorney said this is rampant in the United States. Women will slide in, even get married and then when things go downhill and everything is signed over to the new woman, the kids are called to come and clean up the mess. He is sliding into dementia and he is difficult to be around and we cannot imagine anyone who is "nice" would want to be around him 24/7.
So, there is always a different "perspective" We are just sick with worry. Every decision our dad makes affects us a adult children. So what appears on one end as inattentiveness may be brought on by a whole different set of circumstances.

hi i understand you very well, my story almost the same, my mam died last year from brain cancer, i took care of her for 3 years, my dad didn't do nothing, and when she died my dad in 1 month started to date my mam friend, than other woman, she makes my life so bad, and my dad hate me now for be in his life. i understand you everyone . but remember our mams all the time with us.

I stumbled upon this site by accident....have read several of your stories. Let me tell you a different perspective. I was dating a man, lets say John, for 4 years. His wife died 6 years ago. I was not the first woman he dated. He has 3 grown children. I have also lost someone who I loved very much thru death so I could relate somewhat to the struggles John was dealing with. He loves his wife very much but is realistic in the fact that she is not coming back. His kids were very reluctant to his dating. The kids appeared to openly accept me, but comments would be occ made. I love John very much and he openly loves me. His house is not changed from the day his wife died. We have talked often of his desire to change things in the house and considered "moving in together". Not necessarily to take down all pictures of his wife, but to update. His kids have told him that they needed to move out because the house is filled with everyday reminders of her. They love feeling her presence, but it was too much on a daily basis. They like, however, to "come home" and be surrounded by her. John struggles daily with the constant reminders. It keeps his pain of loss "in his face" so to speak every day..... He loves her and always will, but she is not coming back..... He wants to feel alive, and has made a decision to try to find happiness while he is still here. It does not mean he doesn't think about her or that he's trying to forget her. He desperately yearns for that sense of peace that everyone keeps telling him will come. He knows that that "peace" does not come from sitting around at home alone night after night with only his thoughts of pain and loss as his only companion. It comes in living.....and if fortunate enough, in loving...she will never be out of his heart, it doesn't work that way, but he can't bring her back. He respects the feelings of his children, so has not in 6 years made a change to anything in the house. We don't spend much time in his house because of it. It tears him apart...he is afraid to tell his children what he needs because he feels they will be angry at him, that they won't understand, and he would rather sacrifice his happiness and peace and our relationship, than have his children be upset. Keep in mind that while he is home everyday keeping her memory alive ALONE., his children are carrying on with THEIR lives. They have someone that they go home to every night to watch a movie, share a laugh, cuddle, and yes intimacy. It is a human need to want to feel loved, wanted, intimate. It is a HEALTHLY sign that he is healing to want to move forward and try to find some happiness. Your pain is great in losing a parent, and my heart goes out to you, and you know what that feels like and the journey you must endure. But you did NOT lose a spouse and you have NO idea how that feels and struggle that goes with that. You are projecting your pain and your struggle and where you are at in your healing process into your living parent. Your surviving parent is not replacing the parent you lost. NO One could ever do that. This is a new chapter in your parent's life...john's children have expressed that they "just want him to be happy", but they want him to be happy alone.....that is so selfish and sad. And he is willing to sacrifice his happiness for them, he loves them. He knows his wife would not want him to spend his life alone, but his kids cannot see past their own pain. If you truly care about your surviving parent, please try to understand that everyone moves on at different paces. You may feel it's too soon, and you may be right, but it's theirs to figure out. They need your support and approval to move on. They shouldn't have to ask for it. It shouldn't be painful to see your parent happy, with someone else?, yes that's an adjustment......but you need to put that right in your heart. You feel uncomfortable and pangs of loss, but those feelings are yours and what YOU need to journey thru. Your parent is not trying to be dis respectful, they are just trying to survive, to lessen the pain, to live....please take a moment to step back and put yourself in their position before you judge, and before you pull your love away....consider this...widowers are often told that it is a testament to their late spouse to want to find love again. To have felt such love and having lost it, does not mean "that's it, you had your shot, now the rest of your life is doomed to despair and loneliness". I could go on and on......

My mother passed away very suddenly in Sept of 2012, my parents were married for 35 years and had 6 children. 5 of us are adults, and 4 of the kids still live at home, despite being adults. 6 months after my mother (who just happened to be my best friend) passed, dad started dating a much younger woman- he is nearly sixty and she is just 40. and while i agree on your perspective, there are SO many things to take into account when entering into a family who lost the biggest part of itself. I have known from the beginning that my father would need a companion, but also needs to take into account the role that another woman will be filling not only for HIMSELF, but for his family. Im sure you will agree that every particular situation is different- and while it is HEALTHY to move on, the new woman should be so incredibly sensitive to the ENTIRE family, and not just the single person. After all, what is more important that family? right?

Wow I'm not the only one. Mom died 2 1/2 years ago and my dad told me he's getting remarried. Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was dead within 2 months. She died five months short of 50 years of marriage. Dad started dating this woman within 5 months after mom died. She moved in with him shortly afterwards. He took her in because she was struggling financially, didn't have a car and needed help getting to work. She's a teacher, close to his age, divorced with two grown kids. She is his companion and he is her security. She needs medical coverage when she retires and he needs someone to hold at night. The first Christmas without Mom was 7 months after her death and Dad thought it was a good idea to invite the new woman. Same story: lovey dovey, kissing. Dad has never been a family kind of man. When we had gatherings he would go to his room and nap. I couldn't believe my dad was sitting at the table playing a game with the family and this woman. So Mom is gone and the man who played my Dad is now playing another part with another woman. Dad was a provider when I was growing up. He was pretty much non-existent in every other way. I've realized that my mom made Dad likeable. She had my dad on a pedestal. She would say how God broke the mold after he was born. Dad has told me on more then one occasion that he cheated on my mom. I guess he felt the need to clear his conscience. I thought Mom's death would bring Dad closer, but in truth it's driven him away. Mom's not there to cover for him and I've come to find that I don't really like him. I really wonder how well I knew my Mom cause how did she put up with this man? Dad is selfish and I think he's been that way for a long time. He's a very machismo kind of man and I think he has trouble relating to me. He has antiquated views on the roles of women and men. I've realized that Dad has a low opinion of women. How in the world did my mom put up with him? Dad doesn't engage with his grandchildren or great granchildren. I'm really angry now. Not at his pending marriage. I'm just mad at my dad for not stepping up and filling the void left by my mom. She's gone and I've had to accept that no one can replace her, not even the one person that was closest to her. My parents grew up together. They knew each other years before they were married. I need to move on. It's been over 2 years and I'm just done.

I thought it was just my dad that was not interested in his grandchildren. That has broken my heart almost as much as losing my mom. He says he has no money to buy his grands any xmas gifts but then brags about how he bought his girlfriend 1500$ knives. It is sometimes hard to stay civil. He treats this woman alot better than he treated my mom which also makes me angry. He was always telling my mom they were to broke to buy anything but is always buying this woman anything and everything she wants. I don\'t understand that. My mom was always making excuses for my dad and at the time they made sense. Now I can\'t remember what they were. I\'m glad to see others are surviving this. I want to survive this heartache too.

my mom died March of 2011 and my Dad who is 82 struck up this relationship with a 83 year old lady from church. She's a nice lady but seriously needy. Drives me crazy. They see each other everyday. I hate watching him give her attention and being all lovey dovey. I never saw him treating my mother like this.And her family, oh my goodness, talk about baggage. Our family is bad enough when we're all together. I told him today I for will not get involved with her family , Christmas should be interesting. I resent her, I try not but I can't help it.

Good luck with Christmas, I feel your pain . My mother in laws gravesite hadn't even settled and my fatherin law was pushing the new woman on us.It was about 3 months if even that. And yes, I know what you're saying aout lovey dovey, he took her on balloon rides, cruises , to the Cayman Islands. We thought we were going to puke. Make sure you have peptobimol around for the first holiday get together, you'll probably need it. Hang in there, I wish I could say it will get better, maybe you'll be lucky.

It is unreal how many people have gone through this. Is it best to go along to get along? My Mother in law died of breast cancer and my father in law said about 1 month after she died that he was dating an "elderly woman " about 60 that had lost her husband to cancer and they were just going out for lunch. At the time my father in law was about 62. 3 months after my mother in law died, he pushed her upon us and wanted us to all go out on a date. Well, she ended up being 45 , she had never been married and sure didn't lose a huband to cancer. My husbands mother had been buried about 3 months prior and during the date his fathers "date" was rubbing his thigh in the car in front of us. After the date my husband blew up at his Dad and they had a strained relationship for years. Long story short, we put up with this for years; it was a very rocky road , many ups and downs, but his Father ended up marrying her . Later his Father died of cancer and now she is keeping all of my husbands Mothers things. She has a watch that my mother in law gave to my father in law for their anniversary and it is inscribed. . She has another watch that was given to my father in law from my mother in law. She also has a handmade fishing rod from my Mothers grand-father, my husbands great-grand-father from Canada that my mother in law got when she went to her mothers funeral. I know it is only a fishing rod, but we have two sons and this was made by their "blood" great-great-grandfather. It was my husbands biological mothers possession and his "evil stepmother" is holding onto something that has nothing to do with her deceased husband, it was her deceseased husbands first wifes' possesion that she wanted handed down to the family. Should we raise **** about this or let it go???

I went through this 13 years ago. In fact, I feel I am still going through this. I was 20 and still living at home with my parents, when my dad died suddenly from a brain haemourrage at 52. My sister had already flown the nest. My mum was 43 at the time. Things have gone from bad to worse, better to bad to worse and so on for all those years.

Some of the things that affected me so badly were that within weeks of my Dad dying, my mother cleared out the attic and garage of all my dad's things, skipping them or giving them to other people in the family. My sister and I had no idea that she was doing this or did this until after we had got back home. That was awful, she took away my chance to grieve for my dad by going through all my childhood things and memories.

Again, within a few weeks of my dad dying, my mum went on a night out with my aunt, I woke the next morning to a phonecall asking for my mum, and I walked in her bedroom to find a guy who looked around the same age as me on my dad's side of the bed asleep with her in the same sheets my dad used to sleep in. It is a memory I cannot get out of my head. I ran downstairs crying, my aunt came to tell me she told my mum not to bring him back home because I was in the bedroom next door but she did anyway, then we heard the headboard start banging away, they were having sex whilst I was distraught downstairs. I will never forgive my mum for these two things along with the rest. Like when I took an overdose, I told her and she just said that was a silly thing to do and continued to watch tv whilst I was sick in the bathroom. She didn't care one bit.

I tried my hardest to make the relationship work with my mum, like all of you, I loved my late parent and was desperate to make the most of my remaining parent. But she pushed me away so many times when I tried to explain. She told me I was trying to control her. She was seeing countless other men, spending my dad's hard earned money going on expensive shopping trips and doing nothing emotionally to support me or my sister. It was worse for me because I was living with her. A year later, she told me she didn't want me to live with her anymore, because she couldn't stand living with me, she had her own life to lead and needed her freedom. I wrote her a letter from my heart about how much I loved her and needed her. When I gave it to her she didn't look at it, she just tore it up in my face and said she didn't care what I had to say.

She told me things like "Dad and I would have got divorced anyway, if he hadn't died". "She hated having sex with my dad" and other things I really shouldn't say on here. Anyway, she has since had a huge wedding, which me and my siter were barred from. We were telephoned by other members of the family not to attend as there would be bouncers on the church doors. Her new husband is just a scumbag who got me and my sister out of the way and they have spent virtually all of my inheritance on cars, moving houses, luxury once in a lifetime holidays. I have spent many christmas' alone, whilst my mother continued her selfish life completely disrespecting my father's family wishes that me and my sister always came first.

Well, I have had depression on and off ever since, I have taken an overdose and my mum didn't care two hoots. I felt like my whole life had been a lie. My sister emigrated, and essentially I feel just ran away from all of the problems, she no longer talks to me but has a relationship with my mother for the sake of her children.

I have struggled with the abandonment of my mother for all these years, and believe that this affected the grieving for my father which I should have concentrated on. My mother never saw sense. I have now told her exactly how I feel and what damage she has done to me. She of course thinks I am in the wrong now. I hate her. I don't ever want to see her again. She has made no attempt to make it up to me nor accept what she did was wrong. My sister doesn't understand how it has felt to have gone through all of the things I have. I could go on and on about the things my mum and her idiot husband have said and done over the years. The rest of the family sides with them or just stay away because they want an easy life, and I can't blame them.

I don't know if this helps any of you but I think what I am saying is that, you can try for years and years to hope for that parental love but they will continue to hurt you. Sometimes too much damage is done. Don't end up bitter and depressed for so many years like I have. I should have concentrated on me and my own life rather than wishing for something that never existed, nor will ever exist. What hurts most is how disappointed my dad would be to see what has happened. He loved his wife and children so much. I am so so sorry he was taken from this world.

Hi, again I am Mazed how many people this has happened to. My Mum died aged 56 of breast cancer May 25th 2012, she was sick really sick for about ten months. I have four children the youngest was two, because my Mum couldn't stand any noise when she was ill, I couldn't stay with my two year old for long, made it really hard for caring for her. My mum was a devout catholic, and several people she new from church came on a rota system to nurse her, this was a God send, as my Dad wasn't much use at nursing her, he's short tempered and very sociable, hated to be confined to the house. This help allowed him to go back to work.
The last day of my Mum's illness she became in so much pain, the drugs they could give her at home just wasn't enough, it was unbearable to hear her crying out for help, my Dad she sat downstairs smoking. mum made little sense, because of the meds , so although we had always promised to keep her at home, I had to break this promise as I felt sure she would have wanted to go to the hospice to get her out of pain. The agony she suffered trying to get her on a stretcher and into the ambulance. during the whole thing Dad just shut the door and smoked leaving me and my eldest daughter and husband to it.
in the hospice they got her out of pain, and for the last two hours he stayed outside the room most of the time, I stayed and held her arm and talked to her, I was there when she took her last breath, we had to call him in the room. They had been married for 38 years, and best friends since they were 11 years old.
We offered for Dad to stay with us,he wouldn't , in fact any offers of I'm coming to us he would make excuses not to come most of the time.
After 6 weeks had passed, we decided to visit my husband's family in America, Dad thought we should go, as we'd had to keep cancelling for years by then, because of Mum being sick, so off we went.
When I got there I kept trying to call my Dad, and text, he wouldn't answer, after worrying for a few day's I decided it was something wrong, I called my eldest daughter, who had stayed in England, after several calls, I just knew she was holding something back, and finally she burst into tears and told me. dad had taken her out to dinner, and told her he had a girlfriend, the 35 year old Portuguese cleaner that my Mum had befriended and payed to help out, as she had three young children on her own. he said he had to tell her in case she bumped into them and got upset, but that she couldn't tell me. I felt horrified to hear this, that my own Dad wouldn't answer my calls, because he was worried she had told me. I spent the next three weeks in America, keeping this from my children, so hard to act like nothing was wrong.
When I got back, I called my Dad, asking how he couldn't understand how disrespectful he was being, all he said was that h couldn't spend his life sat in an arm chair watching tv on his own! He hadn't even spent more than a few weeks on his own. we decided the only way on from this was to not talk about Maria, (the cleaner) four months on and they are still together, he's really pushing that I should accept her, because he will always be with her, like it or not.
Here I am 39 years old, with a Dad with a 35 year old girlfriend with three kids one being 2, not having a clue what to do. I guess I except or loose a second parent. my eldest cant except at all, she won't speak to him.
Well, any ideas anyone?

my mom died 10 months ago, im 20 and she was everything to me my dad loves us and loved her dearly but he always leaves around 4pm everyday and comes back 12am hanging out with his friends, when he does come back he spends ages talking to this woman i talked to him before and said he would never do it, he is lying to me he is never here for me my brother or my sister im really confusd as to what to do next this is constantly on my mind as the eldest i dont know what to do

My story is similar to the other stories here. In my case, my father's girlfirends have all be younger than me. So on top of the disrespect I feel he is showing my late mum, I also have to bear feelings of deep disgust and embarrassment at his behaviour. And on top of all that he just does not care about my feelings. So, I have cut all ties. It isn't an easy thing to do but it is helping me stay sane. I am concerned that in many of the posts it is the children of these men who are taking responsibility for trying to put things right or make things work but in a healthy parent/child relationship that should be the parent's responsibility, especially when it is the parent's actions that have led to the problem. My advice is that you walk away and leave your fathers to it. That way, they will be happy and you have a better chance of being happy yourself.

I am in shock that so many other people are going through this. I have been so depressed and honestly kind of messed up since my mom passed away- I wish I had stumbled upon this website sooner. I am 23, female, San Diego.

My mom died from an accidental overdose on November 10, 2010, she was 50.
About 5 months later my dad (49) found a girlfriend (38) that he met a bar. This woman uses my moms old stuff, wears her old clothes, her lotions- she even sleeps in my moms old bed where she actually passed away. At first I tried to be as open to the situation as I could because my parents were married for 30 years up until my mom passed away but they weren't perfect. A few months passed and I tried to be as honest with my dad as I could be that it is wrong that his new girlfriend is using my moms old things and that we should donate them or put them in storage- he proceeded to tell me that it is none of my business what he or his girlfriend do and that he got his "second chance in life" to do things over. Either way her sleeping in my moms bed- there is seriously something wrong with that- I don't care who you are, that is just wrong.

I believe that the most difficult part of this for me is that I was extremely attached to my mom. My dad is a retired military man- he was gone most of my life. I know that my relationship and attachment to her is very different from his and her relationship. Of course they were unhappy, which none of us kids knew at the time. I understand that he is dating this new woman because he wants to be with someone, but she is not trustworthy, she hates my entire family and you can tell she isn't genuine with my father. Every time I try to make things work or try to find a way to help I end up causing more problems but I can't lose my dad too- not to this woman. Those 5 months after my mom passed away are the only months I have ever truly had with my dad. I barely got any time with him before she came along so I really don't know him. 8 months after they started dating they got pregnant and she moved in, but they lost the baby. He tried to claim that it was planned and that they wanted it, even though he found out 3 months in.

A few days ago I decided it was time to stow away everything that should just be untouched or in my possession that was my moms- my dad proceeds to tell me that his girlfriend feels violated, she doesn't trust me, I shouldn't be touching "her things" (my moms things.) and she was crying and threatening to leave. I am no longer allowed in my fathers house because justifying that my moms items should be left alone is somehow out of the question. The most heart breaking part to all of this is that my mom was a sweetheart- she was beautiful, funny, nice.. everyone loved her. Come to find out my mom was taking so much medication because she found out he had cheated on her in excess (50+) times. So not only did he not deserve a second chance because he cheated the entire first time around, he pushed my mom into a deep depression that eventually killed her and continues to suggest that I am in the wrong for trying to defend her. He took down every photo of her and I get a stern talking-to anytime I bring her up in front of his girlfriend for making her uncomfortable.

A little bit on his girlfriend- He has cheated on her multiple times but she doesn't even have a clue. I am also convinced that she wasn't pregnant with his baby (based on the timeline she was in Texas.) His new girlfriend is a pain- she has two kids with two guys and one of them is 21 (he really is not that bad but I don't know him well) and her daughter, 5, is taken away by a restraining order because she has a nasty drunk temper. Her nephew drunkenly told me one night that my dads girlfriend hates me, things I am a selfish B, and wants me to move out so she can have my dad all to herself. That's great considering I am the only kid he has who actually wants to try and make this work for the sake of not losing him also.

My brothers are in relationships and steer clear of my dad- they refuse to talk to him because they are so upset about the situation. I have tried to make things work but every time I turn around his girlfriend is finding something to tell my dad to push me away for and he believes her- he tells me that its my fault they fight. I know that I am not wrong, I know he is the one mishandling this situation- it is just so hard when you love someone so much... even when they don't deserve it.

I know I have things to work on myself- I am open to criticism and want to be the best person I can be. But I do believe that there is something seriously wrong here and that I am not just being an angry and depressed daughter.

It scares me to the extent of similarities that we share. There is hope, it just might not shine on your situation for a few years. Try to move away and let your dad grow on his own/you on your own. I am still working through my situation- I still barely speak to my dad but I can tell he is starting to miss me- that's a good start.

It's scary to see someone's situation emulating my own...my mom passed in June of this year dad got a new woman by August.It must have something to do with military men my dad was away most of my life and instead of spending time with his kids and grand kids he's off with this hoochie...

Your advice is sound, except, my dad is 78 and is a heart patient, so I'm not sure we have the luxury of waiting for him to come around to his senses. When I first found out that he was seeing this woman (a year after Mama died) I told him I thought Mama would approve as this woman was close to both of my parents, even if she was 30 years younger. It was only later, when I was explaining to my siblings that daddy was a grown man and he needed someone that I was informed that this woman is married with children still at home. Children who she brings to here rendezvous with my father. I am heart sick and disgusted.

Just a thought; consider how healthy or unhealthy your parents marriages were prior to the death. The reality sometimesis, the marriage may have been over way before the death took place and perhaps uour parents shielded you from that. Some men and women too, stay in a marriage because a spouse has been recently diagnosed; they remain because it's the right thing to do.

Don't criticize your parent, talk to them and explore exactly why they made the decision to move on so soon, you may learn something you were not aware of.

I'm almost 19 and my step-mom (whom I've known since I was two and came to love as my mom) passed away last month from breast cancer. Before she died, she said she wanted my dad to date again and preferably their friend (I'm not going to mention her name).

I don't expect my dad to stay single forever, but it's not even a month later and he's already working on a relationship with the aforementioned woman. I want my dad to be happy, but it just seems like it's too soon.

She seems like a great woman and she has kids of her own (one of them is my age) and she had a husband that died not too long ago, but I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my dad for this.

My mom died too when I was 12,my mom and dad were married for 14 years. my dad then started dating a month later almost to the day. (It has to be a guy thing) to add insult to injury he picked a woman who liked kids but hated teenagers so me and my sister to a back burner to his relationship oh and the womans birthday same day as the day of my moms death. oh and i almost forgot they wanted to get married on that day too (it was easier for celebrations) so they said. now here it is 10 years later and yea there is still bitterness there so talk to your dad get him in counseling and you get some too it helps you cope granted there are going to be hard days and hard times but trust me its easier if you have someone to cling to when feel like you are sinking. I did finally half way mend my dad and my relationship but its hard especially now because I reacted poorly and the woman now his wife really doesnt like me and will never respect me. I find sometimes when people do things that hurt us when they are grieving is to just let it go because if you dont it changes you and you won't like it. I hope this helps

p.s
I am glad i stumbled upon this i have dealt with my share of pain and if i can help ease one persons pain than it would actually kind of mean something

In no means is what i say right but I'd like to offer some insight/advice that I have had from a similar situation.. My boyfriends mum also passed away 4 years ago and within a month of her passing his dad (whom they had been married for 30 years) had started looking for prospective girlfriends/wife. He found one and they married and have two small children now. I can tell you the path my boyfriend took and the very different path his sister took reacting to this situation and maybe it may help you deciding how to proceed. My boyfriend was obvisouly not only distraught from his mothers unexpected passing but then to find his father had made a makeshift family made it very hard on him. To help him with this I tried to show it from his dads perspective - I think his dad (like mine) is of the generation that they need a wife to help function (cooking, cleaning, planning and just as company) and as he had not many friends it made sense to me that he would want to find someone to share his life with. Doing it so soon was perhaps not the wisest move as it made it hard for everyone to digest - but then again he isnt getting any younger and growing old alone must be a very scary prospect. I encouraged my boyfriend to take this into account and continue a new but loving relationship with his dad and his new family. We now go to the dads house every week for dinner and he know loves interacting with his new sister and brother. He has accepted that the dad did the best he could at the time and that although his actions were not ones he would take - he accepted that you cant tell other people how to live their lives. So now my boyfriend has a great loving positive and happy life with his dad and his new situation and has let the past remain the past and focus on today. His sister however has chosen not to speak to the dad for the last 4 years, hols anger, resentment and bitterness that is a clear energy people pick up when being around her. Its like they say - when you forgive someone you are doing it for yourself. Holding a grudge or waiting on an apology creates a void or lack in your life like you are missing something. Forgive your father and you free yourself to creating more opportunities in your life. :)

Kpnz, I really like your response. I lost my mum 11 months ago and my dad started seeing someone else about 5-6 months after it happened. We haven't really talked about it yet (ignorance is bliss for now), but I know I'll have to face up to it one day. I'm really struggling with the idea as it seems disrespectful and makes me question how much he really loved my mum. However, if I think calmly about it, I realise that he must be scared and wants a companion. It's probably a way of dealing with the bereavement as he's not one for talking! I have two choices as you said, be bitter and angry, and risk losing my dad as well, or try to be honest, open, loving and understanding, and make the best of a horrible situation. Men possibly operate differently, and jumping into a new relationship is a way of coping, not a means of hurt and disrespect (that's just a horrible side effect of their actions). I'm currently having bereavement counselling, and I also talk about this issue which helps. Good luck and take care all of you x