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My Mom Just Died And My Dad Is Already Seeing Someone

This wont be a long story. Its really just for some feedback. My Mom died Feb 2011 of breast cancer.  She and my dad had been married for 55 years. They lived in the house that I grew up in  since 1975. I understand that life has to go on, and I don't expect my dad to live alone forever. BUT does anyone think he is being disrespectful to the rest  of the family by having a 20 something year old girl in the house (almost daily) approx 1 month after my mom died? I was feeling so sorry for him, going over there cooking and cleaning for him. Now I'm hurt. If he wants to do that shouldnt  he go somewhere else. Why does he have to include everyone else in this madness???
rockyjohnson43 rockyjohnson43 41-45, F 55 Responses Mar 25, 2011

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My father died on December 5, 2012 by suicide. The same day, my mother moved me and my sisters into another man's house. She claimed she was going to marry him, but eight months later, they broke up and we got our own house. Since then, she's had many failed relationships, most beginning with her saying she was "in love" and ending a few weeks later. Right now, she's engaged to yet another man, but they had a huge fight last night and he might be moving out. I'm 15 and I've watched many men walk into and out of our lives, some of them I even got attached to and had my feelings of a normal home crushed. I don't have feelings about them now. I'm so used to the men coming and going, I hardly remember their names. Faces blur when I think back to them. I don't have any opinions anymore. I don't want to be hurt again.

Wow glad to hear someone knows what im going threw my mom died when I was 4 and im 14 now and my dad has been seeing this woman for about a year privately I never knew and now shes been great to me and me and her daughter get along great I trusted her with my life and told her some secrets and now my dad knows all my secrets I've known her for a couple months I dont like her because there always wanting to be alone in bed and its disrespectful and now shes saying lies about me to my dad and my dad doesn't believe anything' I say right? Sucks I hate his gf now she has got me in so much trouble shes fake and her daughter is too. My moms looking over this and saying **** I bet!!! Its he'll for me cause no one understands shes a liar my dads family does but still my own dad doesn't believe me over a stupid woman. :(

My mom died three years ago when I was 14. A few months later my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend, Sherri. She is a wonderful woman but still it seemed so early and ithurt me that he had started dating again. Turns out he had actually gone on other dates before that and not liked them enough to tell me. Hell, when my mom was still alive she even tried to set him up on a dating site according to my grandma! She knew she was dying, it was a long time coming. And she knew he wouldn't do well alone. Before he introduced me to Sherri he was sitting on the couch in his underwater, eating cereal and watching stupid movies all day. My dad is a man who has never been alone.
But my point is, for my dad and maybe yours too, dating isn't about forgetting or replacing your mother it is about finding comfort and companionship again, about trying not to let their losses end their happiness. I hope that helps but I don't know if I put it right or if it's too late since you posted...

well my mom died when i was 3 and a while later my dad began seeing a horrible woman with an equally ****** fam (except her bro whos quite ok) she was an alcoholic and we argued ALL the time my dad usually took her side but sometimes took mine we did get along when she wasnt drunk but that was 1 time a week for like 1 hr only like if school was good that day i KNEW, SHE would make my day ******...then one day while i was on hols w/ my grandparents she left to skip to now 1 yr later my dad has been seeing women but i never met them then one day out of the blue he brought one home i didnt mind...until i learned she was staying for a day! it made me uncomfortable but i persevered but i was not happy that was yesterday then literally right now i find out shes staying again! i am NOT comfortable with this AT ALL but i dont want to discuss it in front of her but my dad wont leave her side and i should be in bed right now
how do i talk to him and what do i say without hurting him?

I know that I am too young to be posting on this website but I have a similar story. When I was 7 yrs old my mom got breast cancer and one year later she died. A couple years later when I was 10 he started to date again, My siblings and I never liked his girlfriends but we acted like we did so he would be happy. He moved into relationships to fast, after about 3-4 weeks one of his girlfriends was living with us. She was my least favorite because she is mean to all of us and is just a bad person. She does things such as making a mess and blaming it on either me or my big sister, but the worst thing is that my father agrees with her no matter how ridiculous she is. One I was asleep and they slammed open the door saying that I stole her phone, they ripped all of the blankets off of me and threw everything on the floor, they couldn't find it so they told me to clean my room, she went to the kitchen and it was on the table. She always targets everything bad or mean at me, she makes rude jokes about me and calls me bad words. I have lost my mom and now I feel as if I lost my father two.

We have almost the same kind of stories. My mom died a year ago and my dad started dating way much younger girls. He's 71 and dates girls in their 20s. We're not in speaking terms and he wants me and my sister out of his life. He treats us as if we're not family. Why is he like acting that way? I just can't understand him anymore. Will anyone please enlighten me? Thanks...

I'm sorry for your worries
....my mom is in her late 70s and met this man 16 her younger well he was living in s cheap motel she had all my deseased dads money house we all signed off etc ...now remind u he was living from cheap motel to motel...she starts talkn to him boom he moves in thy been bf and gf for 15 yr with his controln everybody ...all my siblings nvr came around because of his mouth ...now in the last 5 yrs mom has been going down hill he throws up to ppl I hv been caring for her 17 yrs ..and truth is he nvr workd she paid everythg bought him everythg .....went threw a lot of money in 7 yrs now she lives on my dads ss and pension ......this man don't even own a car I can't even talk to siblings due to 2 out 5 of us say awee moms has smone leave it alone well she has been in icu and er every month she kepts telln ppl he is taking her money and mean to her
..thy blew it off cuz of hallucinatins from nicotine and surgery...let me ask u all this he would come daytime to mk appearance take a ecig and sit there and blow in herface ( she has been a heavy smoker over 60 yrs) I flipped later the nurse saw him holdn her down called police well whn mom moved to reg room he started brainwashn her sayn I had to u was wantn to get up...so thy ckd her out on her own reconizes then in 3 weeks he rund her bck to er same stuff

just tried to search if anyone could offer some suggestions experiences or comforts to make me feel better. My dear mom passed away this Aug, like many of you, she had suffered fr cancer for over 2 yr, but lastly when she reached the terminal stage, she can't eat, any treatments were just temporary released, she jumped from the 3rd floor of our house in a middle of a night when my father and i were still in sleep.
It's already so hard for me, the only child in the family to lose my mom, the most tough and brave woman who dedicated for the family for her whole life. just too hard for me. she is the only one i trust and my soul mate.
me and my parents don't live together ever since i was a 16. i used to live in other place for better education. my parents weren't that sweet couple. the reason why my mom still with this man is because to maintain me a complete family. right before my mom died she told me my dad may start his new family after she died. i kept it in mind and after the thing happened, i did have some 'heart to heart' conversation with my father. He said he will never remarry, and he can even cook for me and do the house work for me( I'm married and 28yr old now). But wht i dun know is he is too weak to live alone. though he's only 54yrs old, he's good looking guy, i just dun understand why he played words with me. in the 100 days after my mom's death, he text me and told me he already seeing a woman, she come to the house cook and clean for him. and she's divorced and with a 17 yrs old gal in home.even with their names or kind like 'background'. i just collapsed, i called him and shout and cried, i can't believe why i have such kind of disrespect father, i said i've lost my mother and now my father.

im so angry and sad, i sod almost everyday since my mom gone, now i also lost my father, and he gonna raise other's child? what i hv in my 17? i ain't ever hv a penny since my there's only my mom who work to raise me. and this man is not even came home until he drunk to turn to the roof over.

this house is aint no home , ever since my mom is gone.

Yes but how do you explain this to children. My son actually demanded they show his "ho friend" respect when he brought her home 3 months after they lost their mom. This weekend he forced them to go out to eat with her for dinner demanding that they act nice or experience his wrath. My 16 year old grandson throws up his food all the time, his skin has started to itch like crazy and he said he is sad all the time. My 10 year old granddaughter is so angry and calls herself bi-polar. She is a compulsive eater to ease her pain. My 8 year old grandson just failed his spelling test and said he doesn't feel like doing anything. My son is oblivious to their pain. All he can think about is his happiness putting a guilt trip on them, "don't you care if I am happy?" What about them? He spends their social security survivor benefits on the girlfriend and himself buying her expensive stuff and just got himself two expensive new pair of shoes. Yet my 16 year old keeps begging his dad for shoes cause his soles are coming off. This is since the beginning of the school year. I think this is selfish behavior.

Beyond selfish, he can probably be sued for fraud if that's what he's doing with their benefits. My "dad" never cared about my happiness after my mom died when I was 11. Everything was about HIS happiness because it was HIS home. I was told I was lucky he let me live there. I didn't know about child protective services back then. He would threaten me if I didn't do certain things for his new wife, and even coerced me to lie in court so she could adopt me. I still daydream about murdering him at times, even though I would never harm someone. I don't even kill flies, I think it's horrible.

my dad did the same thing Married to my mom for 41 years. it's not okay I don't think it's normal. I got a divorce when I was 35 and I couldn't see anybody else for a couple years let alone if my ex wife passed away. so no I don't think its okay for normal at all. Eddie Jorge I'm on facebook look me up I can talk to you anytime.

I lost my Mom in 1998 and months later, my Dad was out dating. I was so hurt that he could do this to us. He told my Mom & would never get married again. But he did! Here is what I learned. Some men do not know how to be alone. They are totally lost. My dad dated only middle age women and eventually he got married again. It was bad enough that he dated but then he got married. My sister & I spent his wedding day crying. This woman put a smile on his face & his heart was joyful. She took care of him & spoiled him.

It was not until 2008 that my soul mate passed away after a long illness. I finally understood when your life partner (like my Mom & husband) is terminally ill you watch that person fade before you. You fight that fight with them but inside you start mourning for the person you love so dearly because that person is no longer there. Every day my husband apologized for being sick and every day I watched him struggle to get through the day. A year after he left me I started dating because I do not want to be alone. My son was upset with me. It was then that I understood no one should be alone. It does not mean we should go crazy & party & do foolish things. It just means we are entitled to be happy. Even if our children disapprove.

Your response is right on! I hope that more people really understand what you said. Life is for the living! The fact that a HOME GOING is meant to CELEBRATE the LIFE of the deceased, should ease the mind of the loved ones! So for everyone who thinks that falling in love with another is too soon(since you want to plan someone's future and count the days that he/she may have left on this earth) just remember LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!

i still think you should at least talk to your kids and explain and consult them before bringing your partner into the house because remember as a young adult myself i know its as painful for them give THEM time to heal as well its not you you you (directing this at people in general btw) kids need more time to heal than adults EG. my grades increased when my dads partner left then dropped when he brought one home and she stayed for two nights! my dad didnt even TELL me let alone ask i felt VERY uncomfortable having this... stranger staying over and it had a negative effect on me like i said this isnt directed at one person its for eveyone

my mum died 2012 and she has been with my step dad for 6 years and 7 months after my mum died he started seeing a woman who was my mums best friend, i dont kmow if this is normal or not ??

I have heard of this, actually it is quite common.

Well....this is pretty much what happened to me. My mom had Alzheimers for at least 12 years. My dad was the main caregiver, I tried to help as much as I could. After Mom died, I tried to spend lots of time with Dad so that he wasn't alone. Before my Mom was in the ground, my Dad yelled at me and told me that we needed to live separate lives. At the time, I thought he was just upset. Now he is pushing his family away, and is chasing a lady. I have always been close to my dad, but this week I have had to stay away from him. The last 6 months he has really been saying hurtful things and not doing things with his family. I have always spent time with him in Florida, but now I think he taking her to Florida with him. Tonight he asked me when my Spring Break was, and I had to tell him that I decided that I wasn't coming. What Dad doesn't understand is that his behavior has caused my longing for my mother and mourning of my mother to ocurr all over again. Not only have I lost a mother, but now I am losing my dad. It is very hurtful and he doesn't have a clue.... I am really having a difficult with all of this. I understand ow you feel!

Sorry for my Englise i am from Greece. I would like to talk from the aspect of a child. My mum died from lung cancer a year ago. It was very hard for me and my siblings. We loved her so much.Then my father changed behavior. He wants us to leave the house . He wants to live his life with other women. He does not care about us anymore.He tells us all the time to go away from the house so he stops provide us food. I have a brother who is 18 years old and my sister is 20 years old. I am trying to find a job but as you know there aren't jobs here in Greece because we have economic crisis. I don't know what to do.

I am writing about my own son and his family. My son's wife passed away 3 months ago. They were drinking very heavily that weekend, like they usually did, when she choked on her own vomit during the night. She left behind a 16, 10, and 8 year old. The two older ones are already angry about the drinking they had to endure, now the loss of their mom. Their life was uprooted because he's military and they gave him a compassionate transfer to be closer to home. Now he's texting and facebooking all kinds of women, but worse, he is driving all over the place during his leave with the sleaziest, ***** from our town. She is younger than him, and my daghter knows her life story because they were classmates. She was retained twice, went to the prom when she was in 5th grade, baby by 8th grade which she dumped on the dad, then another baby with someone else which she dumped again. Turned tricks in Hollywood to get enough money to get home, etc., etc. My two older grandkids know and now are really, really hurt. My 16 year old grandson said he hates his dad so much and can't wait to graduate. My 10 year old granddaughter uses food to console herself, and I worry that she will turn to alcohol to console herself. The little one was really close to his mom and was crying for his dad many times this summer while he was out running around spending LOTS of money on this *****. My daughter and I used all our money trying to take the kids out for fun outings and activities to keep them busy. My son never once helped us (my daughter is a waitress) and now is so broke, he had to borrow money from my husbund just to be able to pick the kids up from camp. My son bought this ***** a computer, an expensive purse plus eating out and staying in expensive hotels. I know he is experiencing a large amount of guilt for my daughter-in-law's death plus grief (they were always together ever since they were teenagers), but his kids are still young and in a lot of pain and anger. Now this anger is added to the mess. My teenage grandson has so much anxiety and can't sleep at all, but won't go to a counselor. Thankfully extended family on both mom and dad's side love them and support them. I worry about their future and am secretly angry and disappointed at my son. I can't be open about it, because he will cut us off from them.

In a weird way , he is grieving. My mom passed (liver failure) in 2009. he took care of her day and night. he was at her bed side till the last minute . he took care of her for five years and the last two were so ****** up. she suffered so much. she finally passed...then not even a few months later My dad did the same thing. And every few weeks when we would talk about my mom. He starts crying. I think that When you live with someone (wife or partner) an x amount of years its not healthy to be alone. my parents were married 30 years.Some people need someone there as a couple. She will never be my mother and she will be just a body to have around. I know my dad loves my mom so much and I know he gets really sad all the time. I hear it in his voice. Don't worrie about. Just go with the flow for now. He's just grieving , I think .

Let me speak as the dad. I am 60 years old my wife is 58. She is dying. Probably won't make it to 59. She has ALS along with dementia. She is the love of my life and I can do nothing keep her comfortable. Now I am a planner. I need to plan for my future without her. I have some ideas but no real plans. I know I will need time to morn and cry, but yet life goes on. We have three grown children and I plan to include them on my decisions. It is hard to say what is right for the grieving spouse should be doing. We all grieve differently. I know this will be hard for me and I must watch out for the scammers. I know my situation is different. Just the same care for your lonely parents they need someone to love and receive from. Most times from someone other than family. I hope you can see it from my point of view. But it does sound a bit odd he has taken up with a 20 something girl. Check her out.

Wow, just came upon this. My 80 year old dad has been scammed by 5 women after my mother died four years ago. He has lost his home and 100,000.00. to these women. We just found out in April 2012 this was going on. One of them is a convicted felon-19 years old. Since this has happened, I have become an expert on financial elder abuse. It is rampant across the country. Our family has always been close but like many families live a distance away, cannot afford to get home like we would like to while we talked to each other frequently. We have had to contact the police, retain an attorney, Adult protective services, Dad's doctor and the Center for Financial Elder Abuse. Dad has not been declared incompetent, so while he has had memory loss, macular degeneration, a small stroke, and habitually lies to us these women still take money from him. We wrote cease and desist letters to these women and contacted the one's probation officer.

It has created a big chasm in a lifetime of having a close family of 56 years. Now someone like perspective 01 is in Dad's life who has no idea of Dad's situation. She has no idea yet what has gone on. Dad is still the grandiose man that he was making it out that he has a lot of money and he is spending his money on her in large amounts while the checking account it going down and down. He is driving at night to satisfy her, while she does not know what danger both she and he is in. We have had to let go somewhat because he has not been declared incompetent and it is making my brother and I sick with worry and since we have taken all the proactive choices the attorney outlined there is nothing left we can do. The attorney said this is rampant in the United States. Women will slide in, even get married and then when things go downhill and everything is signed over to the new woman, the kids are called to come and clean up the mess. He is sliding into dementia and he is difficult to be around and we cannot imagine anyone who is "nice" would want to be around him 24/7.
So, there is always a different "perspective" We are just sick with worry. Every decision our dad makes affects us a adult children. So what appears on one end as inattentiveness may be brought on by a whole different set of circumstances.

hi i understand you very well, my story almost the same, my mam died last year from brain cancer, i took care of her for 3 years, my dad didn't do nothing, and when she died my dad in 1 month started to date my mam friend, than other woman, she makes my life so bad, and my dad hate me now for be in his life. i understand you everyone . but remember our mams all the time with us.

I stumbled upon this site by accident....have read several of your stories. Let me tell you a different perspective. I was dating a man, lets say John, for 4 years. His wife died 6 years ago. I was not the first woman he dated. He has 3 grown children. I have also lost someone who I loved very much thru death so I could relate somewhat to the struggles John was dealing with. He loves his wife very much but is realistic in the fact that she is not coming back. His kids were very reluctant to his dating. The kids appeared to openly accept me, but comments would be occ made. I love John very much and he openly loves me. His house is not changed from the day his wife died. We have talked often of his desire to change things in the house and considered "moving in together". Not necessarily to take down all pictures of his wife, but to update. His kids have told him that they needed to move out because the house is filled with everyday reminders of her. They love feeling her presence, but it was too much on a daily basis. They like, however, to "come home" and be surrounded by her. John struggles daily with the constant reminders. It keeps his pain of loss "in his face" so to speak every day..... He loves her and always will, but she is not coming back..... He wants to feel alive, and has made a decision to try to find happiness while he is still here. It does not mean he doesn't think about her or that he's trying to forget her. He desperately yearns for that sense of peace that everyone keeps telling him will come. He knows that that "peace" does not come from sitting around at home alone night after night with only his thoughts of pain and loss as his only companion. It comes in living.....and if fortunate enough, in loving...she will never be out of his heart, it doesn't work that way, but he can't bring her back. He respects the feelings of his children, so has not in 6 years made a change to anything in the house. We don't spend much time in his house because of it. It tears him apart...he is afraid to tell his children what he needs because he feels they will be angry at him, that they won't understand, and he would rather sacrifice his happiness and peace and our relationship, than have his children be upset. Keep in mind that while he is home everyday keeping her memory alive ALONE., his children are carrying on with THEIR lives. They have someone that they go home to every night to watch a movie, share a laugh, cuddle, and yes intimacy. It is a human need to want to feel loved, wanted, intimate. It is a HEALTHLY sign that he is healing to want to move forward and try to find some happiness. Your pain is great in losing a parent, and my heart goes out to you, and you know what that feels like and the journey you must endure. But you did NOT lose a spouse and you have NO idea how that feels and struggle that goes with that. You are projecting your pain and your struggle and where you are at in your healing process into your living parent. Your surviving parent is not replacing the parent you lost. NO One could ever do that. This is a new chapter in your parent's life...john's children have expressed that they "just want him to be happy", but they want him to be happy alone.....that is so selfish and sad. And he is willing to sacrifice his happiness for them, he loves them. He knows his wife would not want him to spend his life alone, but his kids cannot see past their own pain. If you truly care about your surviving parent, please try to understand that everyone moves on at different paces. You may feel it's too soon, and you may be right, but it's theirs to figure out. They need your support and approval to move on. They shouldn't have to ask for it. It shouldn't be painful to see your parent happy, with someone else?, yes that's an adjustment......but you need to put that right in your heart. You feel uncomfortable and pangs of loss, but those feelings are yours and what YOU need to journey thru. Your parent is not trying to be dis respectful, they are just trying to survive, to lessen the pain, to live....please take a moment to step back and put yourself in their position before you judge, and before you pull your love away....consider this...widowers are often told that it is a testament to their late spouse to want to find love again. To have felt such love and having lost it, does not mean "that's it, you had your shot, now the rest of your life is doomed to despair and loneliness". I could go on and on......

My mother passed away very suddenly in Sept of 2012, my parents were married for 35 years and had 6 children. 5 of us are adults, and 4 of the kids still live at home, despite being adults. 6 months after my mother (who just happened to be my best friend) passed, dad started dating a much younger woman- he is nearly sixty and she is just 40. and while i agree on your perspective, there are SO many things to take into account when entering into a family who lost the biggest part of itself. I have known from the beginning that my father would need a companion, but also needs to take into account the role that another woman will be filling not only for HIMSELF, but for his family. Im sure you will agree that every particular situation is different- and while it is HEALTHY to move on, the new woman should be so incredibly sensitive to the ENTIRE family, and not just the single person. After all, what is more important that family? right?

I know you posted a while ago but we seem to be in a similar situation. My dad started dating a younger woman 2 months after my best friend (mother) passed unexpectedly. It's now been a year, and the girlfriend has invited me to her beach house. It will be our first meeting. My husband is unable to join, and I'm not sure if I can handle it alone. Her daughter will be there with her husband, and I feel like I will be an outsider among my dad's new happy family. Is it the most immature approach to cancel my trip to meet them all, at least until a later date when I can have some support with me?

Please do go on. I know this was posted 2 years ago, but I hope you can still talk more of this. I am experiencing a very similar situation with a man I am seeing now. He lost his wife 2 years ago and has 2 grown sons.

Wow I'm not the only one. Mom died 2 1/2 years ago and my dad told me he's getting remarried. Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was dead within 2 months. She died five months short of 50 years of marriage. Dad started dating this woman within 5 months after mom died. She moved in with him shortly afterwards. He took her in because she was struggling financially, didn't have a car and needed help getting to work. She's a teacher, close to his age, divorced with two grown kids. She is his companion and he is her security. She needs medical coverage when she retires and he needs someone to hold at night. The first Christmas without Mom was 7 months after her death and Dad thought it was a good idea to invite the new woman. Same story: lovey dovey, kissing. Dad has never been a family kind of man. When we had gatherings he would go to his room and nap. I couldn't believe my dad was sitting at the table playing a game with the family and this woman. So Mom is gone and the man who played my Dad is now playing another part with another woman. Dad was a provider when I was growing up. He was pretty much non-existent in every other way. I've realized that my mom made Dad likeable. She had my dad on a pedestal. She would say how God broke the mold after he was born. Dad has told me on more then one occasion that he cheated on my mom. I guess he felt the need to clear his conscience. I thought Mom's death would bring Dad closer, but in truth it's driven him away. Mom's not there to cover for him and I've come to find that I don't really like him. I really wonder how well I knew my Mom cause how did she put up with this man? Dad is selfish and I think he's been that way for a long time. He's a very machismo kind of man and I think he has trouble relating to me. He has antiquated views on the roles of women and men. I've realized that Dad has a low opinion of women. How in the world did my mom put up with him? Dad doesn't engage with his grandchildren or great granchildren. I'm really angry now. Not at his pending marriage. I'm just mad at my dad for not stepping up and filling the void left by my mom. She's gone and I've had to accept that no one can replace her, not even the one person that was closest to her. My parents grew up together. They knew each other years before they were married. I need to move on. It's been over 2 years and I'm just done.

I thought it was just my dad that was not interested in his grandchildren. That has broken my heart almost as much as losing my mom. He says he has no money to buy his grands any xmas gifts but then brags about how he bought his girlfriend 1500$ knives. It is sometimes hard to stay civil. He treats this woman alot better than he treated my mom which also makes me angry. He was always telling my mom they were to broke to buy anything but is always buying this woman anything and everything she wants. I don\'t understand that. My mom was always making excuses for my dad and at the time they made sense. Now I can\'t remember what they were. I\'m glad to see others are surviving this. I want to survive this heartache too.

Junie--I feel I could have written your post. My situation is similar. My mom died from cancer 3 months after her diagnosis. She and my dad were married for 46 years when she died. I thought after my mom's death, it would bring our Dad closer to the family, but the opposite has happened, despite me and my 3 sisters reaching out to him, inviting him to our homes for holidays, regular phone calls, and visiting him. He shows little to no interest in his grandchildren and this is distressing to my sisters, especially one who lives 2000 miles away and takes great pains to come see him with the family at least twice year (she also flies him up to where she lives). My nieces and nephews are well-behaved, sweet kids. I'm sure they wonder what on earth they did wrong to deserve being ignored. Last year, he showed up to a family function with a "friend" he didn't bother to introduce. It was extremely awkward. The worst was earlier this year when I went to visit and this "friend" was now living in my mother's house, my mother's things and pictures were all packed up (one of my sisters had gotten them earlier) and they were now married, BUT the entire weekend I was visiting, my father never told me they had gotten married. I just assumed they were living together. Neither one of them told me anything and I was just so stunned to see her living in the house, I was in shock the entire 2 days I was there. It wasn't until 2 weeks later when one of my sisters mentioned they had gotten married and hadn't invited anyone except a male cousin of ours to the courthouse. Needless to say I was floored. This lady, who is about 16 years younger than my dad, probably sees him as a security blanket with benefits (nice house, pension, health insurance) and now he has a maid to take care of him. She's divorced with 2 grown sons, one of whom she says was "tricked into getting a girl pregnant". O...K All he ever did after my mom died was complain about having to pick up and cook for himself. He's also a lifelong alcoholic and my mom put up with a lot of his BS during her lifetime. I'm so resentful and angry. I used to talk to him 2 to 3 times a week, but I've maybe spoken to him 4 times in the last 5 months and seen him once since that weekend they didn't tell me they were married. My sisters range in feeling from confusion to anger. I feel like I've lost both of my parents and that part of my life where my family was my family is over. Worst of all, he doesn't appear to care very much. He has his cook and housekeeper and that's that.

my mom died March of 2011 and my Dad who is 82 struck up this relationship with a 83 year old lady from church. She's a nice lady but seriously needy. Drives me crazy. They see each other everyday. I hate watching him give her attention and being all lovey dovey. I never saw him treating my mother like this.And her family, oh my goodness, talk about baggage. Our family is bad enough when we're all together. I told him today I for will not get involved with her family , Christmas should be interesting. I resent her, I try not but I can't help it.

Good luck with Christmas, I feel your pain . My mother in laws gravesite hadn't even settled and my fatherin law was pushing the new woman on us.It was about 3 months if even that. And yes, I know what you're saying aout lovey dovey, he took her on balloon rides, cruises , to the Cayman Islands. We thought we were going to puke. Make sure you have peptobimol around for the first holiday get together, you'll probably need it. Hang in there, I wish I could say it will get better, maybe you'll be lucky.

It is unreal how many people have gone through this. Is it best to go along to get along? My Mother in law died of breast cancer and my father in law said about 1 month after she died that he was dating an "elderly woman " about 60 that had lost her husband to cancer and they were just going out for lunch. At the time my father in law was about 62. 3 months after my mother in law died, he pushed her upon us and wanted us to all go out on a date. Well, she ended up being 45 , she had never been married and sure didn't lose a huband to cancer. My husbands mother had been buried about 3 months prior and during the date his fathers "date" was rubbing his thigh in the car in front of us. After the date my husband blew up at his Dad and they had a strained relationship for years. Long story short, we put up with this for years; it was a very rocky road , many ups and downs, but his Father ended up marrying her . Later his Father died of cancer and now she is keeping all of my husbands Mothers things. She has a watch that my mother in law gave to my father in law for their anniversary and it is inscribed. . She has another watch that was given to my father in law from my mother in law. She also has a handmade fishing rod from my Mothers grand-father, my husbands great-grand-father from Canada that my mother in law got when she went to her mothers funeral. I know it is only a fishing rod, but we have two sons and this was made by their "blood" great-great-grandfather. It was my husbands biological mothers possession and his "evil stepmother" is holding onto something that has nothing to do with her deceased husband, it was her deceseased husbands first wifes' possesion that she wanted handed down to the family. Should we raise **** about this or let it go???

I went through this 13 years ago. In fact, I feel I am still going through this. I was 20 and still living at home with my parents, when my dad died suddenly from a brain haemourrage at 52. My sister had already flown the nest. My mum was 43 at the time. Things have gone from bad to worse, better to bad to worse and so on for all those years.

Some of the things that affected me so badly were that within weeks of my Dad dying, my mother cleared out the attic and garage of all my dad's things, skipping them or giving them to other people in the family. My sister and I had no idea that she was doing this or did this until after we had got back home. That was awful, she took away my chance to grieve for my dad by going through all my childhood things and memories.

Again, within a few weeks of my dad dying, my mum went on a night out with my aunt, I woke the next morning to a phonecall asking for my mum, and I walked in her bedroom to find a guy who looked around the same age as me on my dad's side of the bed asleep with her in the same sheets my dad used to sleep in. It is a memory I cannot get out of my head. I ran downstairs crying, my aunt came to tell me she told my mum not to bring him back home because I was in the bedroom next door but she did anyway, then we heard the headboard start banging away, they were having sex whilst I was distraught downstairs. I will never forgive my mum for these two things along with the rest. Like when I took an overdose, I told her and she just said that was a silly thing to do and continued to watch tv whilst I was sick in the bathroom. She didn't care one bit.

I tried my hardest to make the relationship work with my mum, like all of you, I loved my late parent and was desperate to make the most of my remaining parent. But she pushed me away so many times when I tried to explain. She told me I was trying to control her. She was seeing countless other men, spending my dad's hard earned money going on expensive shopping trips and doing nothing emotionally to support me or my sister. It was worse for me because I was living with her. A year later, she told me she didn't want me to live with her anymore, because she couldn't stand living with me, she had her own life to lead and needed her freedom. I wrote her a letter from my heart about how much I loved her and needed her. When I gave it to her she didn't look at it, she just tore it up in my face and said she didn't care what I had to say.

She told me things like "Dad and I would have got divorced anyway, if he hadn't died". "She hated having sex with my dad" and other things I really shouldn't say on here. Anyway, she has since had a huge wedding, which me and my siter were barred from. We were telephoned by other members of the family not to attend as there would be bouncers on the church doors. Her new husband is just a scumbag who got me and my sister out of the way and they have spent virtually all of my inheritance on cars, moving houses, luxury once in a lifetime holidays. I have spent many christmas' alone, whilst my mother continued her selfish life completely disrespecting my father's family wishes that me and my sister always came first.

Well, I have had depression on and off ever since, I have taken an overdose and my mum didn't care two hoots. I felt like my whole life had been a lie. My sister emigrated, and essentially I feel just ran away from all of the problems, she no longer talks to me but has a relationship with my mother for the sake of her children.

I have struggled with the abandonment of my mother for all these years, and believe that this affected the grieving for my father which I should have concentrated on. My mother never saw sense. I have now told her exactly how I feel and what damage she has done to me. She of course thinks I am in the wrong now. I hate her. I don't ever want to see her again. She has made no attempt to make it up to me nor accept what she did was wrong. My sister doesn't understand how it has felt to have gone through all of the things I have. I could go on and on about the things my mum and her idiot husband have said and done over the years. The rest of the family sides with them or just stay away because they want an easy life, and I can't blame them.

I don't know if this helps any of you but I think what I am saying is that, you can try for years and years to hope for that parental love but they will continue to hurt you. Sometimes too much damage is done. Don't end up bitter and depressed for so many years like I have. I should have concentrated on me and my own life rather than wishing for something that never existed, nor will ever exist. What hurts most is how disappointed my dad would be to see what has happened. He loved his wife and children so much. I am so so sorry he was taken from this world.

Hi, again I am Mazed how many people this has happened to. My Mum died aged 56 of breast cancer May 25th 2012, she was sick really sick for about ten months. I have four children the youngest was two, because my Mum couldn't stand any noise when she was ill, I couldn't stay with my two year old for long, made it really hard for caring for her. My mum was a devout catholic, and several people she new from church came on a rota system to nurse her, this was a God send, as my Dad wasn't much use at nursing her, he's short tempered and very sociable, hated to be confined to the house. This help allowed him to go back to work.
The last day of my Mum's illness she became in so much pain, the drugs they could give her at home just wasn't enough, it was unbearable to hear her crying out for help, my Dad she sat downstairs smoking. mum made little sense, because of the meds , so although we had always promised to keep her at home, I had to break this promise as I felt sure she would have wanted to go to the hospice to get her out of pain. The agony she suffered trying to get her on a stretcher and into the ambulance. during the whole thing Dad just shut the door and smoked leaving me and my eldest daughter and husband to it.
in the hospice they got her out of pain, and for the last two hours he stayed outside the room most of the time, I stayed and held her arm and talked to her, I was there when she took her last breath, we had to call him in the room. They had been married for 38 years, and best friends since they were 11 years old.
We offered for Dad to stay with us,he wouldn't , in fact any offers of I'm coming to us he would make excuses not to come most of the time.
After 6 weeks had passed, we decided to visit my husband's family in America, Dad thought we should go, as we'd had to keep cancelling for years by then, because of Mum being sick, so off we went.
When I got there I kept trying to call my Dad, and text, he wouldn't answer, after worrying for a few day's I decided it was something wrong, I called my eldest daughter, who had stayed in England, after several calls, I just knew she was holding something back, and finally she burst into tears and told me. dad had taken her out to dinner, and told her he had a girlfriend, the 35 year old Portuguese cleaner that my Mum had befriended and payed to help out, as she had three young children on her own. he said he had to tell her in case she bumped into them and got upset, but that she couldn't tell me. I felt horrified to hear this, that my own Dad wouldn't answer my calls, because he was worried she had told me. I spent the next three weeks in America, keeping this from my children, so hard to act like nothing was wrong.
When I got back, I called my Dad, asking how he couldn't understand how disrespectful he was being, all he said was that h couldn't spend his life sat in an arm chair watching tv on his own! He hadn't even spent more than a few weeks on his own. we decided the only way on from this was to not talk about Maria, (the cleaner) four months on and they are still together, he's really pushing that I should accept her, because he will always be with her, like it or not.
Here I am 39 years old, with a Dad with a 35 year old girlfriend with three kids one being 2, not having a clue what to do. I guess I except or loose a second parent. my eldest cant except at all, she won't speak to him.
Well, any ideas anyone?

my mom died 10 months ago, im 20 and she was everything to me my dad loves us and loved her dearly but he always leaves around 4pm everyday and comes back 12am hanging out with his friends, when he does come back he spends ages talking to this woman i talked to him before and said he would never do it, he is lying to me he is never here for me my brother or my sister im really confusd as to what to do next this is constantly on my mind as the eldest i dont know what to do

My story is similar to the other stories here. In my case, my father's girlfirends have all be younger than me. So on top of the disrespect I feel he is showing my late mum, I also have to bear feelings of deep disgust and embarrassment at his behaviour. And on top of all that he just does not care about my feelings. So, I have cut all ties. It isn't an easy thing to do but it is helping me stay sane. I am concerned that in many of the posts it is the children of these men who are taking responsibility for trying to put things right or make things work but in a healthy parent/child relationship that should be the parent's responsibility, especially when it is the parent's actions that have led to the problem. My advice is that you walk away and leave your fathers to it. That way, they will be happy and you have a better chance of being happy yourself.

I am in shock that so many other people are going through this. I have been so depressed and honestly kind of messed up since my mom passed away- I wish I had stumbled upon this website sooner. I am 23, female, San Diego.

My mom died from an accidental overdose on November 10, 2010, she was 50.
About 5 months later my dad (49) found a girlfriend (38) that he met a bar. This woman uses my moms old stuff, wears her old clothes, her lotions- she even sleeps in my moms old bed where she actually passed away. At first I tried to be as open to the situation as I could because my parents were married for 30 years up until my mom passed away but they weren't perfect. A few months passed and I tried to be as honest with my dad as I could be that it is wrong that his new girlfriend is using my moms old things and that we should donate them or put them in storage- he proceeded to tell me that it is none of my business what he or his girlfriend do and that he got his "second chance in life" to do things over. Either way her sleeping in my moms bed- there is seriously something wrong with that- I don't care who you are, that is just wrong.

I believe that the most difficult part of this for me is that I was extremely attached to my mom. My dad is a retired military man- he was gone most of my life. I know that my relationship and attachment to her is very different from his and her relationship. Of course they were unhappy, which none of us kids knew at the time. I understand that he is dating this new woman because he wants to be with someone, but she is not trustworthy, she hates my entire family and you can tell she isn't genuine with my father. Every time I try to make things work or try to find a way to help I end up causing more problems but I can't lose my dad too- not to this woman. Those 5 months after my mom passed away are the only months I have ever truly had with my dad. I barely got any time with him before she came along so I really don't know him. 8 months after they started dating they got pregnant and she moved in, but they lost the baby. He tried to claim that it was planned and that they wanted it, even though he found out 3 months in.

A few days ago I decided it was time to stow away everything that should just be untouched or in my possession that was my moms- my dad proceeds to tell me that his girlfriend feels violated, she doesn't trust me, I shouldn't be touching "her things" (my moms things.) and she was crying and threatening to leave. I am no longer allowed in my fathers house because justifying that my moms items should be left alone is somehow out of the question. The most heart breaking part to all of this is that my mom was a sweetheart- she was beautiful, funny, nice.. everyone loved her. Come to find out my mom was taking so much medication because she found out he had cheated on her in excess (50+) times. So not only did he not deserve a second chance because he cheated the entire first time around, he pushed my mom into a deep depression that eventually killed her and continues to suggest that I am in the wrong for trying to defend her. He took down every photo of her and I get a stern talking-to anytime I bring her up in front of his girlfriend for making her uncomfortable.

A little bit on his girlfriend- He has cheated on her multiple times but she doesn't even have a clue. I am also convinced that she wasn't pregnant with his baby (based on the timeline she was in Texas.) His new girlfriend is a pain- she has two kids with two guys and one of them is 21 (he really is not that bad but I don't know him well) and her daughter, 5, is taken away by a restraining order because she has a nasty drunk temper. Her nephew drunkenly told me one night that my dads girlfriend hates me, things I am a selfish B, and wants me to move out so she can have my dad all to herself. That's great considering I am the only kid he has who actually wants to try and make this work for the sake of not losing him also.

My brothers are in relationships and steer clear of my dad- they refuse to talk to him because they are so upset about the situation. I have tried to make things work but every time I turn around his girlfriend is finding something to tell my dad to push me away for and he believes her- he tells me that its my fault they fight. I know that I am not wrong, I know he is the one mishandling this situation- it is just so hard when you love someone so much... even when they don't deserve it.

I know I have things to work on myself- I am open to criticism and want to be the best person I can be. But I do believe that there is something seriously wrong here and that I am not just being an angry and depressed daughter.

It scares me to the extent of similarities that we share. There is hope, it just might not shine on your situation for a few years. Try to move away and let your dad grow on his own/you on your own. I am still working through my situation- I still barely speak to my dad but I can tell he is starting to miss me- that's a good start.

It's scary to see someone's situation emulating my own...my mom passed in June of this year dad got a new woman by August.It must have something to do with military men my dad was away most of my life and instead of spending time with his kids and grand kids he's off with this hoochie...

Your advice is sound, except, my dad is 78 and is a heart patient, so I'm not sure we have the luxury of waiting for him to come around to his senses. When I first found out that he was seeing this woman (a year after Mama died) I told him I thought Mama would approve as this woman was close to both of my parents, even if she was 30 years younger. It was only later, when I was explaining to my siblings that daddy was a grown man and he needed someone that I was informed that this woman is married with children still at home. Children who she brings to here rendezvous with my father. I am heart sick and disgusted.

Just a thought; consider how healthy or unhealthy your parents marriages were prior to the death. The reality sometimesis, the marriage may have been over way before the death took place and perhaps uour parents shielded you from that. Some men and women too, stay in a marriage because a spouse has been recently diagnosed; they remain because it's the right thing to do.

Don't criticize your parent, talk to them and explore exactly why they made the decision to move on so soon, you may learn something you were not aware of.

I'm almost 19 and my step-mom (whom I've known since I was two and came to love as my mom) passed away last month from breast cancer. Before she died, she said she wanted my dad to date again and preferably their friend (I'm not going to mention her name).

I don't expect my dad to stay single forever, but it's not even a month later and he's already working on a relationship with the aforementioned woman. I want my dad to be happy, but it just seems like it's too soon.

She seems like a great woman and she has kids of her own (one of them is my age) and she had a husband that died not too long ago, but I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my dad for this.

My mom died too when I was 12,my mom and dad were married for 14 years. my dad then started dating a month later almost to the day. (It has to be a guy thing) to add insult to injury he picked a woman who liked kids but hated teenagers so me and my sister to a back burner to his relationship oh and the womans birthday same day as the day of my moms death. oh and i almost forgot they wanted to get married on that day too (it was easier for celebrations) so they said. now here it is 10 years later and yea there is still bitterness there so talk to your dad get him in counseling and you get some too it helps you cope granted there are going to be hard days and hard times but trust me its easier if you have someone to cling to when feel like you are sinking. I did finally half way mend my dad and my relationship but its hard especially now because I reacted poorly and the woman now his wife really doesnt like me and will never respect me. I find sometimes when people do things that hurt us when they are grieving is to just let it go because if you dont it changes you and you won't like it. I hope this helps

p.s
I am glad i stumbled upon this i have dealt with my share of pain and if i can help ease one persons pain than it would actually kind of mean something

In no means is what i say right but I'd like to offer some insight/advice that I have had from a similar situation.. My boyfriends mum also passed away 4 years ago and within a month of her passing his dad (whom they had been married for 30 years) had started looking for prospective girlfriends/wife. He found one and they married and have two small children now. I can tell you the path my boyfriend took and the very different path his sister took reacting to this situation and maybe it may help you deciding how to proceed. My boyfriend was obvisouly not only distraught from his mothers unexpected passing but then to find his father had made a makeshift family made it very hard on him. To help him with this I tried to show it from his dads perspective - I think his dad (like mine) is of the generation that they need a wife to help function (cooking, cleaning, planning and just as company) and as he had not many friends it made sense to me that he would want to find someone to share his life with. Doing it so soon was perhaps not the wisest move as it made it hard for everyone to digest - but then again he isnt getting any younger and growing old alone must be a very scary prospect. I encouraged my boyfriend to take this into account and continue a new but loving relationship with his dad and his new family. We now go to the dads house every week for dinner and he know loves interacting with his new sister and brother. He has accepted that the dad did the best he could at the time and that although his actions were not ones he would take - he accepted that you cant tell other people how to live their lives. So now my boyfriend has a great loving positive and happy life with his dad and his new situation and has let the past remain the past and focus on today. His sister however has chosen not to speak to the dad for the last 4 years, hols anger, resentment and bitterness that is a clear energy people pick up when being around her. Its like they say - when you forgive someone you are doing it for yourself. Holding a grudge or waiting on an apology creates a void or lack in your life like you are missing something. Forgive your father and you free yourself to creating more opportunities in your life. :)

Kpnz, I really like your response. I lost my mum 11 months ago and my dad started seeing someone else about 5-6 months after it happened. We haven't really talked about it yet (ignorance is bliss for now), but I know I'll have to face up to it one day. I'm really struggling with the idea as it seems disrespectful and makes me question how much he really loved my mum. However, if I think calmly about it, I realise that he must be scared and wants a companion. It's probably a way of dealing with the bereavement as he's not one for talking! I have two choices as you said, be bitter and angry, and risk losing my dad as well, or try to be honest, open, loving and understanding, and make the best of a horrible situation. Men possibly operate differently, and jumping into a new relationship is a way of coping, not a means of hurt and disrespect (that's just a horrible side effect of their actions). I'm currently having bereavement counselling, and I also talk about this issue which helps. Good luck and take care all of you x

Omg .. reading everyones response and problems makes me feel so much better .. I dont mean to be offensive or sound idiotic .. but well .. I thought I ws the only one who was going throught this .. but I jus noticed a pattern here :S
My dad recently passed away too and we are 3 sisters .. And my mom jus declared that she wants to get married to my dads best friend .. And well at 1st it just came as a total shock , we didnt know how to react or what to say or do .. But we definately didnt wana be selfish and tell her to not get married I get it how she wants a companian and dosnt wana be forever alone .. But it just IS SO DISRESPECTFUL ! I mean cmon he just passed away its hardly been an year and she wants to move on already? On top of that she wants us to act all happy and support her and be there for her more + give the same respect to my dads bestfrnd that our dad have? I mean wth .. Why dosnt she get how hard this is for us .. I came here looking for some answers cz honestly my mom has starting to sound ridiculous and I feel lik shes actually losing her mind cz if any1 tried to give her a suggestion about the whole remarriage thing she completely loses it acts lik we dont care abt her and gets all defensive

Anyway after reading every1's response and similiar problems I noticed a pattern here m no psychologist or even a smart person am just a 19 year old girl trying to understand why are our parents acting the way they are , I dont doubt even for a second that my mom loves me . But then y is she acting this way .. And I was thinking mayb .. Losing a partner is even bigger than us losing our moms or dads .. I mean I always have my mom .. but to her .. She dosnt have any1 left , she probably thinking 1 day we all r getting married n leaving her and shes going to end up alone in some old age home so she dosnt knw how to deal wid it hence it has mentally broken her down ..
I dont know why they act this way and wants us to understand them but then whn we were young we probably didnt make sense half the times ryt? But they still took care of us and never once complained .. So its only fair to put up wid thier **** .. Widout questioning thier parental skills or thier love for us . So what if my mom is acting all crazy and selfish and she wants to start her life ! She devoted her entire life for me ryt?

Honestly I duno wht crap I jus rote I dont even knw if m angry wid her or feeling bad for her , deep down m hurting and I feel lik this thing is going to change me as a person entirely her actions dont only affect her but ME .. Iam jus lost

I totally understand how you feel. My mother died May 2nd of this year and my father started trying to build this relationship with my mothers youngest sister only 8 weeks after my mom passed. This has been a major source of conflict between me and my dad and to me it seems he has no regard for anyone's feelings but his own. He even got upset with me because I got so upset when he told he his intentions with my aunt...that was a blow to me and has done some real damage to my relationship with my father. My father and I never really had what you would call a relationship. I never confided in him...never sought his advice, and I never really even called him on the phone just to say hello and talk. I always knew my father loved me...he always took care of his family and we had good times when we were all together, but I still was just never close to my dad. For some reason that became very important to me after my mom died and now that this has happened I don't know that things will ever be the same. I am angry and bitter with him for ruining what I had hoped would be a close and meaningful daughter/father relationship....for disrespecting my mother this way, and for being so damn thoughtless and selfish. My sister and I are trying to deal with the loss of our mother...who was our whole world. Then he has the nerve to put this on us and expect us to just deal with it, because after all....he has to move on with his life and can't wait on us to give him permission to do so (his words to me). We got into an argument about it on the phone a couple weeks ago and I was crying and got so frustrated at the way he was acting that I just unleashed on him. He told me I needed to get my head checked cause I wasn't right. Implying that I was mental because I was taking this so badly. How heartless can a person be??? That alone proves to me he is no more invested in his children than he ever was. I am hurt, disgusted, angry, and I miss my mother terribly. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed.

I know exactly how you feel, this is exactly how my dad is acting! He gets so angry at me for being angry at him! He just cannot see what he is doing is hurting my feelings so much, he just expects me to grow up and deal with it, acts like he just dosen't care

my mom passed away a little bit over a month ago and my dad has already gotten in contact with another women. its very hard to look at the glass half-full perspective when everyone is still fragile and upset over mom's passing. i want my dad to be happy, he deserves happiness, but it also makes me feel like he is grieving the wrong way.

my mum died in 27.07.09 of lung cancer i was only 14. me and my dad used to be so close we done a whole lot togther. my mum got ill verry quickly we nursed her as best as we could but it got to the point were she was bed bound barely hold a cup to her mouth. she had to go to a care home. i had to watch her die realy if any one knows what a death rattle it that. my dad was never there for me and even before the funeral he was serious with another woman. and within 2 months all her stuff was gone my brothers were kicked out the house was for sale. he never spent time with me. he used to leave me alone all night all i wanted was to see him im was lonely everytime i tryed telling him how i felt he would turn it into a fight or tell lies about how hes going to change i ran away 2 times i even thought of suicide he was always wanting to make me like her but soon as she came through my door she was trying to act like a mother i locked my self in my room even on christmas eve he let me stay in my room didnt once see if i was ok. my sister took me on hoiliday to have a brake and when we come back he got rid of everything he told me he was moving into a studio flat so it wasnt legal for me to live with him he knew this he would of put me in care i moved in with my sister he didnt ring me once he went holiday on my birthday he wouldnt come down the hospital when i fell of my moped and when i have been round his place he has cards saying thanks for being like a dad to me and cheers for the money he has tedy bears say worlds grumpist dad . im lucky if i see him once a month his girlfreinds kids are older then i am . i always trying to say how i feel but its normally im sorry you feel like that and hang up if i say the word mum he goes mad at me. he got rid of his whole family for them. how could he do that through away everything he had build with his wife away every memory he has been so disrespectful on my mothers name after being with someone that long how can you move on that quick and f*** your own family of. ther has been so much more stuff but itd take me a day to write cheers

Well here is another one for the books!<br />
I too find some comfort in others writing about their same experiences, I felt I was involved in a unique situation but now know that I am not alone. I just keep reminding myself of a saying that you can pick your friends but you can pick your family, I wish that you could LOL!<br />
My mother passed away Nov 10th 2007 and about 2 months after that my girlfriend and I had moved in with my father to care for him since he was very use to my mother doing everything but wiping his butt!! Well after we moved in we went to dinner and after a glass of wine blurted out to me that he had slept with the woman who had been sent to care for my mom in the house! I was shocked and floored to say the least, they had been married for close to 50 years and this was the respect he showed my mother while she was passing away from terminal cancer? Her illness was short about 4 weeks so it was not like he was suffering with her for a long illness, it just made no sense. I had a strange relationship with my father to begin with and felt he was shady in the way he had dealt with and treated people, and I was the polar opposite. I had often mentioned to my mom that I did not feel like my father cared about me and she always discounted my observation and said I "was crazy" to feel that way and that he loved me. I had after he "blurted" this horrible experience to me (as I see it cheating on my mother) at dinner later about 2 weeks blew up on him about the ordeal and things have never been the same, not that they where anything substantial before anyways. I had moved away and moved back to my town I grew up in and was living across the country and very <br />
Almost never heard from my father unless I picked up the phone to call him. I just recently found out that he went on vacation with his girlfriend (He 76 her 50ish) 2 separate times about 3 hours away from where I was living while I was living across the country, without as much as a call letting me know they where going to be in the same state? Since I moved back to his town he has made no effort to contact me and it has been close to 3 months that I moved home. My brother who is staying with (I am the youngest of 3 boys) him says that his girlfriend who is in the process of moving in with him keeps asking my father if he has called me, again and again. He has made up some B.S. that he has called but when I check my phone records I can verify he has never called. I am not willing to bend since I feel that I was the one always reaching out and never on the receiving end of a courtesy call from him.<br />
I don’t know what to do and feel that I am growing increasingly more angry with him and feel that it has gotten to a point that if he calls, I just wont take his call, its kind of at a ridiculous point especially since I live 5 miles away!!!<br />
My brothers don’t know what he is thinking and I cannot figure out why he has abandoned me but I am trying to make sense of it and I want to move on and forget about it but it is difficult. My brother states that living with him he sees him as such a self-absorbed person and ONLY cares about himself and his girlfriend. She runs a daycare and has a few adopted children who are about the ages of 8-13 and a special needs child, he was a disconnected father and now he is in his later years living with pre teens? I am 45 years old and feel that this will someway make me negative and I wish I could just let it roll off my back and quit obsessing about this issue and just let it go! <br />
I would appreciate any suggestions or encouraging words, I am stuck at this point and don’t know what to do to allow myself to continue to morn my mothers passing and grow to not let this consume me like it has since I have moved back to the area.

Don't contact him! He adds nothing to your life, you add nothing to his (that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, just straight). He is not suffering whereas you are! Move on with your life in the knowldege that he has what he wants. Mourn your mum, celebrate her life. There are millions and millions of children in the world who do not have a father figure in their life. I have joined them (having cut contact with my father since a similar thing happened) and although it takes some getting used to, I feel free and my own person probably for the first time in my life and I am 50! I never realised until I walked away how much my father and his wants congtrolled my life, my sister's life and my mum's. His new woman is welcome to him!

Hello all of you, my mother passed away 8 months ago right before i started entering 8th grade.. about 3 months later my dad brings in this bimbo and starts to have wine with her and my dad hates to drink. he is still seeing her but does it sneakily, like doesnt tell me when hes going to see her but i find out by going through his email. its not like i dont want him to be happy, but im only 14 and without a mother. shouldnt he be caring for me more than any other woman? i really dislike him and have half a mind to say something to her..... little *****. im so angry with him

My Mother passed away in Dec 2010 after a long battle with cancer. My parents had been married for 50 years. I never understood Dad’s urgent need to remove and sell my Mothers belongings in such a hasty manner. A week after she died he had a garage sale. Who does this? My Father and I have never had a close relationship, like Mom and I, but during her illness I tried my best to comfort him. I live in the Midwest and Dad and Mom lived in Southwest. I stayed many times during that 5 years to help in whatever way I could, missing most of my son’s senior year in high school. I came home in Dec 2011, the year anniversary of Mom’s death and the house was void of anything “Mom” and I felt so sad and out of place. It didn’t feel like home, just a shell of what once was. My Dad and I have maintained a close relationship. I call him every other day to make sure he’s ok and to let him know I care. I know he’s lonely but I wasn’t ready for the “I have to tell you something I’ve been on several dates” conversation. I was floored and cried over the phone when he told me. I thought we have developed a close relationship to the point where he could confide in me that he was thinking about or ready to see other women. I was so unprepared for this. I called and apologized the next day about being upset. I understand he is lonely but I’m still hurt that he didn’t think enough about our relationship to tell me. At this point I’m not sure what to think anymore. He is very engrossed with this woman (who thank god is not 20 years younger) He isn’t returning my calls like he has done in the past and I’m worried that I will lose my Father too. I’m an only child and Dad is my only family. I’m hoping Dad keeps his wits about him and doesn’t substitute her family for mine. Time will tell I guess. I want him to be happy but I also want to be a part of his life, as I am his daughter and only child. If Mom were her she would be disappointed. Family always came first to her, not so much with my Dad. His love of golf was his family. Ironically his new friend doesn’t play golf. I’m trying to maintain some form of sanity while still grieving for the loss of my best friend and confidant. I’m grateful for the posts here, as it helps me know I’m not alone in this.

I know just how you feel when you say that the house is like a shell. My dad is going through his house too and keeps going on about getting rid of her stuff. They just do not understand how hard that is for us I guess.

Exactly how I feel....lost my Mother and now my Father....kind of sad! :(

My mother died suddently after surgery Thanksgiving Day 2011. My dad went to visit her family (they live in another State about 10 hours away) around the 1st of January and he ended up staying longer than he said he was going to. He was staying with my Mother's younger sister who has been a Widow for 5 years. My mothers sister put the first move on my father and he came back less than 2 months after my Mother died stating he is dating her Sister! My problem and my sibling's problem....My Aunt has always been very selfish and very jealous of the things my Mother had (house, jewelry, cloathes) and once my Mother died - she moved in on my Father! I was trying to be OK with this because I dated and married a Widower, however, I was always so respectful of my husband's children and their feelings and took the back seat a lot to let them havve time with their dad and to get over the loss of their Mother. This woman, has the nerve to be asking my Dad for things of my Mothers - he came back from his Visit and now sold his house and moved to her house 10 hours away from all of his kids, his grandkids and his great grandkids. So disappointed in my Father - I always thought he would be stronger than he is acting. I understand the loss he feels and how lonely he is....but it's just that we have known this woman our whole life and she has constantly asked my Parents for money, etc. The day of my Mothers funeral she was begging us girls for my Mother's cloathes....who does this! However, when her husband died her son wanted his dad's tools and she told him he would have to buy them from her..... Need I say more about the type of selfish person she is!!? I just need to vent because I am so hurt and sad - I lost my mother and have not been able to grieve her because of his BS drama with my Aunt - so on one hand glad he moved.....need time to grieve my Mother and I think he will miss his kids more than he knows......hopefully he will not do to much emotional damage with all of us - should he need or want to move back home! I understand loneliness - not stupidity about someone he has known his whole life and how selfish and money hungry she is ........

I'm so glad I have come across this site because I thought I was going crazy. It's obviously a very common thing. <br />
My mum died of cancer 4th Feb 2010. Mum and dad been married just short of 42 years. Like many other people me and my sister put my dads needs and feelings first meaning our own husbands and children literally did come second, but we had promised mum that's what we would do. He mostly spent weekends with my sister at first and I would fill in the gaps with either visiting him or him coming to me. It was like having another child in the house....proper high maintenance! <br />
I always expected him to want to meet someone else and if I'm being honest a part of me wanted that to happen because he was becoming a burden. He was all I thought about, it became draining in every sense and I would be guilt ridden if I didn't see him or speak to him. We live about 70 miles apart. <br />
So in November 2011 it happened, he met someone and yes it was a shock and upset even though I knew it was on the cards. However I thought I will get my head around this but I wasn't prepared for what I can only describe as a brutal onslaught!<br />
We were approaching our second Christmas without mum and he told me he was spending Christmas day with this woman, her daughter and her two boys. Couldn't believe it the hurt I felt was tremendous I have two boys too and their grandad is wanting to spend the day with strangers. Telling them was the hardest. A week later I went to visit my mums grave to lay my Christmas wreath he found out and met me there and unbelievably started to push me to meet this woman. This woman by the way was lying sick in my mothers bed! The one she lay dying in! It was surreal and that's how I came to meet her. He gave me the stark choice of accepting her or losing him. <br />
On new years day night I found out dad and this woman got engaged night before. He never had the decency to warn us. Then a day before my sons birthday end of January 2012 and a week before mums second anniversary he rings to tell me he is getting married on their birthdays in August. Last week he informs me he is moving out of the house into hers and her daughter is moving into his. Me my sister and our four children visited sat just gone to find the house half emptied out and someone elses possessions installed. I'm left feeling discarded, an outsider, rejected etc by my very own father, my flesh and blood. I feel so much pain and anguish it's unreal.<br />
I believe he doesn't love her, I believe he is trying desperately to recapture what he once had with his family because we were so close. I don't know how it will all turn out and right now I find it hard to forgive him. However I refuse to turn into a bitter and twisted person full of hatred. So somehow I will resolve this and as yet I don't know how to do that, but I'm certain my beautiful mum will be with me every step of the way. I love you mum.

I also feel he has changed a lot in tha passed couple of weeks, he acts like he dont care if he hurts peoples feelings and especially mine, I helped take care of my mom for two yrs and my husband helps take care of his yard work and I helped clean and we have him up for dinner and spent time with him now he acts as if he dont need us. I was always very close to my parents and all of a suddenI dont know who he is any more. I am very hurt and sad, I lost my mom and now I feel my dad two.

I do feel better but it is still up-setting.....my mom passed away December 17th 2011 and my dad wanted all her things out too but I thought it was just to painful so I TOOK EVERYTHING OUT. I am finding out he is on dating sites and will actually talk to me about dating and maybe have a live in woman. Wow I was in shock and angry and shocked didnt know how to respond so I feel better knowing it isnt just me going through this!

I hate my father right now. Thinking that it would be of help to him, I moved in with him after my mother died in May 2011. In addition to my job, I do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, and laundry, thinking that he might appreciate the gesture. Nope. Instead, he has started chatting with women he knows from his youth (he's 73). One of them posted on his facebook page that she had heard that my mother was "an older woman with children." I had to set the ***** straight, not my father! <br />
<br />
Well, he asked me to help him with his email (he can't figure out how to use it) and there was a message he wrote to that same ***** that said how hard it was for him to live alone (he doesn't live alone, I live there with him), and that there's no one to talk to (he could talk to me!) and that he misses the companionship he had with my mother. Truth is, he was never home, he treated my mother like ****, he had no relationship with any of his children or his wife so I don't why he so ******* lonely all of the sudden.<br />
<br />
I was wrong to feel any sympathy for him. I did it because I thought it's what my mother would have wanted me to do, to take care of my father. How could he do such a thing? Let these dried-up hags do his laundry for him because I am outta here! If he were to remarry I would NEVER attend the wedding. NEVER.<br />
<br />
I have lost BOTH of my parents, but I really never had a father.

I hate my father right now. Thinking that it would be of help to him, I moved in with him after my mother died in May 2011. In addition to my job, I do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, and laundry, thinking that he might appreciate the gesture. Nope. Instead, he has started chatting with women he knows from his youth (he's 73). One of them posted on his facebook page that she had heard that my mother was "an older woman with children." I had to set the ***** straight, not my father! <br />
<br />
Well, he asked me to help him with his email (he can't figure out how to use it) and there was a message he wrote to that same ***** that said how hard it was for him to live alone (he doesn't live alone, I live there with him), and that there's no one to talk to (he could talk to me!) and that he misses the companionship he had with my mother. Truth is, he was never home, he treated my mother like ****, he had no relationship with any of his children or his wife so I don't why he so ******* lonely all of the sudden.<br />
<br />
I was wrong to feel any sympathy for him. I did it because I thought it's what my mother would have wanted me to do, to take care of my father. How could he do such a thing? Let these dried-up hags do his laundry for him because I am outta here! If he were to remarry I would NEVER attend the wedding. NEVER.<br />
<br />
I have lost BOTH of my parents, but I really never had a father.

I guess this must be pretty common as I have the same story. My parents were together for 46 years and my mom died of breast cancer September 3rd and apparently my dad is dating someone as of Christmas time. I wouldn't know first hand because we are not talking right now because he is a selfish narcissist and thinks he is the only one that lost someone. But that's a whole other story. He thinks it's ok to hang up on people when you have serious things to talk about. Or if he just doesn't want to hear that you hurt too, not just him. So sad to me that at 42 years old, I lost my mom...and then my dad...sort of.

Same here. My dad won't listen. I feel like I've lost both parents, not just my mom.

Hi, I my Mom passed away suddenly 5 years ago of a diabetic stroke. I was married, 39 years old and a mother to a 4 year old. My parents married for 41 years. We tried to help my Dad move on by helping him sell the house and remove my Mom's belongings and preparing him to live with us. He was going through his own grief and I knew that, but he was into such a rush. On the weekend before my Mom's one year death anniversary, he had met someone 30 yrs younger, and already believed he could not live with this woman. During our visit to Mom's grave, he was so in a hurry because he had a date with this woman, I was torn. Later, within 48 hours of being with this woman, he proposed to her, they now live together and she has it quite comfortable, because my father is financially well off. In the past 5 years any conversation I had with my father turns out to be an argument. It pains me, that you can be married for so long and yet can forget your wife and children so quickly. During, last Christmas, we had about two conversations, I had thought perhaps old wounds could be healed. I told him he was welcome to visit me and my family but I was not ready to welcome his new wife. It brings me to tears even now, when I think of his reply, that, if it weren't for his new wife no one would help him and I should accept that I have a new mother. First, we have always been offering our help, he is not willing to accept, and its the least his new wife could do to bring him to his medical appointments,since she pretty much has a comfortable life now. Second, I am in my 40's, I don't think I can accept someone who is almost 10years younger than me to replace my Mom. I have chosen to stay estranged from my father, it is a emotionally healthier place for me to be in and my children need that from their Mom. I am satisfied to hear my father is doing well, as I wish no harm on him but I cannot and will not be disloyal to my Mom and the family memories we once had. Perhaps as someone posted earlier, blood is not always thicker than water. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Mom and I just pray that she is at peace.

My wife died November 22, 2011 and I'm still grieving but there is a lady who has been extremely nice and caring and I am beginning to think of dating her. I do not consider it a disrespect for the soul of my departed wife on the contrary it will help in dealing with my loss. I'm fighting very hard not to loss my mind because I still don't believe she is gone.<br />
Every soul shall test death and we really cannot do much to change that fact of life. If there was anything I could have done to prevent her death I would have not hesitated because she was only 28 years old and we have been married for only five years.

My mom died November 30, 2011. I heard there was some other woman at the house a week ago. Tonight I was told to call before i come over because "I don't plan on living alone forever, and you may see something you don't like." I feel so bad for my mother. I almost feel like he couldn't wait until she was dead.

That's not right. My mother used to think that my father was having an affair and giving the way he's behaved after she's passed, I grown to believe her.

that's the same with my mom. she thought he was cheating or whatever and when she passed, he moved on reallly quick and is already seeing someone.

I hear this story alot. I miss my mom alot she passed 6 weeks ago. You dad is coping in a way he knows how. I understand your anger and how you miss your mom. I don't blame you.<br />
<br />
I hope better days are to come.<br />
<br />
Debbie

I just lost my dad to lung cancer he was diagnosed in feb 2011 day after his bday and died april 15,2011 this killed me even though he is not my biological he raised me for a very long time and we were fighting cancer together.. Unfortunately i am still fighting i am 28 years old and this has been hard for me because after my dad died my moms uncle came down with his step son that she had met eight years prior. Well now my mom is seeing him and he lives in another state it was hard for me at first, but my sister is taking thia alot worse than me i have prayed that if this is meant to be God will let it be and so forth and so on, but now my mom says they may get married next year i think that is quick but then again i married after three months and i am going on eight years and three children and a great husband who has never left my side. i understand where many of you come from it does hurt and i feel it is so rushed but at the same time who am i to steal her joy and who am i to tell her to keep all my dads clothes just cause that is how i remember him i cant do that he was her husband for many years maybe not 50 or more but 12 enough to be in love. i have thought when i pass what will my husband do he is 27 and i worry for my children i made my will and he knows but it is scary i am stage 4 cancer and it has spread allover my body brain lungs bones cartilage spine so on and so on i have been given one week to live and that was last year i will continue to fight for my life for the sake of my family and the Lord is not ready for me yet he has work for me to do yet.but i guess what i am trying to say is we are adults and maybe if we put ourselves in our parents shoes we would understand as well but we are all different. oh and one more question actually this man is my moms uncles step son does that make him family? and wouldnt that be morally wrong oh heck would that just be wrong?

My mum died 18 months ago after my dad nursed her 19 months. She had motor neurons disease. Now my dad is seeing a neighbor. He is 75 and she is in his 50's. I have met her and she seems nice but my dad is spending more and more time with her. He is lying to me about his relationship with her. I want him to have friends and go out but he is becoming obsessed with this one woman. It is getting to the point where every time we arrange something she has to be invited also. I live 1.5 hrs away from my dad and he just told me today he will only becoming down for the day on his birthday and she will be coming also. She is taking him out on the night of his birthday and I wanted a weekend with my dad to celebrate. I told him he has to cancel bringing her as my son was expecting his pa to stay the weekend. My son is only 6 and loves to see his pa. I am still getting over my mums death and haven't even been able to go to her grave as I just get too upset. I feel angry with my dad as he has moved on and just expects me to have as well. He hasn't discussed it with me and didn't even ask if it was ok to bring her to my house to celebrate his birthday. He has done other things in the past where he has put her before his own grandson.

Wow I can so relate to this. My mother died just before yours - she passed January 28, 2011. Like you, my mom and dad were married a long time - for 48 years. From my standpoint, we had a strong family and they had an awesome marriage. Not one month after my mom died, he ejected all of her belongings from the house and went shopping - he bought new appliances, a new bed, a new vehicle. I can see why he did this, because many things reminded him of my mom and it was all too painful for him. But the real shocker was that he went shopping and changed his wardrobe (from blue jeans to slacks) and posted his picture on singles websites. Within 2 months, he had a new girlfriend. I expected this to happen down the road, maybe after a year, but 2 months!!! Although I feel it is way too soon, I never told him to not do what made him feel better. What I did say no to is meeting his new woman and integrating her into my life. I'm just not ready! My dad can't respect that and has tried to push her on me, and now we aren't talking. The Oncology center where my mother was treated has therapists who, according to him, think I'm awful for not being ready to accept his new girlfriend. My father was actually cruel to me for not accepting his girlfriend. He is so selfish, he does not realize that beyond losing his wife, he has two children who lost their mother and really need him right now.<br />
<br />
Well, I am seeing a therapist myself. She said it is really quite typical for widows and widowers to rebound almost immediately, especially after they have been married for so long. They don't know how to be alone. There's really nothing we can do. I have received support of my decision to again, not be judgemental of his decisions, but I am standing by mine. I DON"T have to meet her until I am ready. I DON"T have to approve, either! I suggest you stick to your guns as well.

thanks for your response...i hadnt been on for awhile...its amazing to know that so many people are going through the exact same thing. I havent talked to my dad in about a month... honestly i just cant deal with him right now...I just want to grief in peace...everytime I think of reaching out to him I hear another stupid story about him...I know he is still grieving..I know he is lonely and probably afraid to sleep by himself...they were married for over 50 years...He too changed his wardrope...started hanging out all night....he now has several girlfriends...I just cant talk to him...his conversations are so shallow...He lies and says there arent any women sleeping in my moms bed...he cant be honest with anyone...so to avoid me going to jail, I stay away....I cant imagine going over there and seeing some women cooking in my moms kitchen let alone laying in her bed...same pillows...sheets...am I crazy?? My husband thinks I should be speaking to him? I just cant do it right now...God Help me..I just cant...I dont hate him...as a matter of fact Im going to send him something for fathers day....just dont want to deal with him right now...this is a side that i have never seen...cant deal with it.

I do feel for you; we are all clearly caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

My Mum died 2 years ago, very suddenly, after 47 years of marriage to my Dad (77yo). Nasty, but I think my sisters and I largely coped well enough through the slow process of grieving. About 3 months after she died my father asked me if I thought it would be "disloyal" of him to renew an old friendship with a woman that had ended when she fell out badly with my Mum - in short, when my Mum died she hated her. I said OK, happy for him to have a friend to occupy his mind. Except of course it was more than friendship, which I made it clear I did not accept. H enevertheless kept trying to push this woman on my sisters and I, suggesting perhaps we bring her gifts back from our travels or give her a call. We of course did none of it.

While I was still grudgingly happy for him, I personally wanted no part of it. What I wanted I think, above all, was a simple assurance from him that my mothers memory was not simply being discarded out of expedience, and that he understood we may take some time to adjust. From that candid, sensitive start, maybe we could get somewhere - slowly.

In March 2011 that relationship ended, but almost immediately he came up with another, apparently conjured up from the small ads in the local paper. He wasted no time stuffing her down our throats, but at the same time rebuking the simple, basic questions my sister asked, apparently as the woman was a "very private person". This with the knowledge that my Father would be happily handing over the details of his childrens lives, doubtless to demonstrate his sensitive side. So we were now second class to someone he'd known for two weeks. While as a rule I have no problem at all with age gaps in relationships, the fact the woman was my own age just made the dynamic of any future relationship too difficult.

By the end of April, he'd never actually mentioned her to me by name, just a general allusion to "someone", so when they had a minor car accident (only a few minor bruises, more to his ego I think!) I was first and only concerned for my father. He on the other hand kept relentlessly fishing for me (and later my sisters) to express concern for, lets face it, sameone whose name I'd only just been told, with veiled threats should we refuse.

Since then it's gone from bad to worse, with him using every tiny pretext to drop her into conversation. He even discussed her with my sister at my Mums graveside on Mothers day. I don't have the words for that. Now only one of us has any contact with him. It came down to him insisting that either we take an interest, or he breaks off all contact with us, which he has since the end of June, when he called my sister to tell her he was coming round with his new girlfriend to drop some flowers off; my sister said "no", and went out, he came round anyway, evidently to make some childishly obscure point.

Its beginning to have pretty negative consequences for all 3 of us and our families. I won't give in ( I really can't), as I think that I have been quite reasonable, and resent the hoops I am expected to jump through at the expense of the memory of my Mum and my coming to terms with her death - I suspect there would be many more demands were I to crack. If anyone had told me six months ago that I would lose my father so completely without his death, I would have called them nuts; now I just feel shattered and wonder if my father ever cared about anything beyond his own needs.

If I've learned anything from the soul searching this has induced, it is that there is no fixed time or method for grief, that attempts at one-sided compromise help no-one, that "just died" has no fixed duration, and that when people are desperate, blood isn't always thicker than water.

*hugs* I know that we all are still coping with the loss of our mothers. (My mom died last week)<br />
I have thought about my father dating other women. I would like for him to find a new mate and move forward in life. HOWEVER... in all my imagining, I could not even begin to dream of him dating someone younger than me! (I'm 27). Just remember that he is and has always been your father. He is coping the best he knows how to. <br />
While I know I lost my mother, my father lost his best friend, confidant, lover, wife, mother of his children, love of his life. I cannot begin to comprehend how it feels to be in his shoes. <br />
*hugs again* I hope you get through this with your sanity in tact!!! Good luck!