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I Miss Her So Much.

My mom passed away this summer after a 4 year battle with cancer. I was only 17 when it happened and I miss her soo much. I dont know who to talk to about it and I feel so alone. My dad still goes to sleep everyday crying and we all pretend to be our own little happy family but its like something so so important is just gone.
I used to be close with my sister, but since summer we just fight and dont get along and she left to university as soon as she could to just get away from the horror of it all. We used to be best friends, it was us against the world and how unfair it was. I was 12 when my mom was first diagonsed with ovarian cancer and they didnt have much hope of saving her. But she beat the odds and was cancer free! and then she relapsed but never to a point where it was that severe. Suddenly in the beginning of last year, the treatment just stopped working.
I remember the day my mom came home after recieving the news that she didnt have much longer. It was just me and her at the time as my dad was away on a business trip for the weekend. She told me that she was cancer free and that she was going home to india to just spend time in the warmth and with her family. A week after she returned i realised she lied to me as she was admitted into the hospital where by dad finally told me the truth of the whole thing.
Watching her die, being at her bedside day after day, i still dont feel like i ever said goodbye properly. I keep regretting that i didnt spend nearly as much time with her as i would have wanted to. I just allways thought that she would be there with me in the future.
We had so much planned to do, she was supposed to be there for my 18th, for my graduation, my wedding. she was supposed to hold my kids and tell them stories. Shes my mom and Its not fair that she is gone.
I cant seem to find the joy and beauty i used to find in the little things anymore. Everywhere i look i see pieces of my mom and I just havent been myself since she passed. I dont know what to do and I really just want to be happy again.
cee931 cee931 18-21 7 Responses Jan 24, 2012

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Its hard to cope with my mom passed with suffocation...Its very hard but try not to let it change you your mom wouldn't want that and try to occupy your mind...The night it happened all i remember i lost my mom but i didn't totally lose her...Just don't let it change you and try to be close to your sister again. Your both going through the same thing give it time..

i lost my mom yesterday just before noon.
she was diagnosed breast cancer 5 years a go.
my mom was/is the dearest thing in my life, the last two years i lived with her and helped her anyway i could.
now that she is gone, i cant still believe it. to be honest i dont know how i could go on now..
the last few minutes she was alive, i was there and that image of those minutes are burned into my memory.
its a sad sad thing,to lose the one who has allways been there for me since before i was borne.
I hope for what ever time i have in life i can make her proud and maybe i can feel her smile once again from above...

I am a 49 year old man. My mama passed away on April 19, 2012 with colon cancer. I still cry for her. Some nights I am fortunate enough to see her in my dreams. I love that, but hate the moment of waking, knowing once again that she is gone for now. I grew up in a military family so we moved every two to five years when I was a child. There is not a "home place" for me to go back to. Most homes we lived in over the years have been torn down (Barstow, Camp Pendleton, etc.). The state we lived in, the city... none of that ever mattered. Home was wherever mama was. She was ever my "home place". Now she is gone. Cancer burned down the one place I ever called home... mama's arms and her heart. Sadly, the dreams are becoming less frequent now. I see mama less and less. I fear that soon those happy dreams will also turn to dust. Each day, I hope for one more dream within which I will be hugged, kissed, and loved... by my sweet mama.

I can understand and relate.<br />
I lost my mum at 6 years of age. <br />
I am ten now.<br />
I usually remember, she would never want us to be sad.<br />
So instead of being sad about her death..<br />
Celebrate.<br />
She isn't in pain.<br />
She won't ever be in pain again.<br />
<3 lots of love,<br />
Auburn.

I got a book called Motherless Daughtersby Hope Edlemen (http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Daughters-The-Legacy-Loss/dp/0385314388) it's somewhat depressing but possibly useful to you I didn't like it because my situation feels so different from the writers' but it sounds like her Mom died in a situation very similar to yours, and it talks about how her family had such particular troubles after her death - I hope maybe you can benefit from reading it.

I lost my mom 2 years ago from cancer. She was detected cancer and after 4 weeks she died it was so hard, I miss her so much :( I still smell her I have her voice in my head. She was my best friend we played, we sang together, I am so young is hard to image a entire life without her, i feel so empty sometimes, my dad is sad :( the happy family we were now is a sad family. I just moved to other country to go school, since i arrived everything is so difficult for me different culture without friends and think of my mom everytime, I'm not grading well and I want to improve in school but the pain that i feel is so deep. Sometimes i won't like to continue my life to dont suffer anymore, but I think in my father and he will be so devastate if something bad happen to me. I'm trying to be strong, sometimes i feel better sometimes so sad like now. Sometimes I want to married and have many kids and love them as my mother loved me. I broke up my last relationship because she didn't understand me sometimes because i was sad. I felt that she didn't respect the memory of my mother. The pain to lost a mom is so hard. Love your mom always she is the most beautiful person in ours life.

Hi :) I'm so sorry to hear about your mom; you're in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my mom too just last month so I know your pain. I know that it is the absolute worst pain I have ever experience in my life, and the worst part is there is no cure or anything to make it better. Like yours, my family was very tightly knit before and now it's just me and my dad; of course my dad is always down because he is just half of himself without his soul mate, my mom. I'm still sad too - for almost the exact same reasons - that my mom won't see me graduate from college, see me become successful, get married, or have kids. Just thinking about it makes me tear as I write this but I also remember that my blood is her blood, and that wherever I go, she'll be watching me and protecting me. There is so much of your mom inside you, and inside your heart. Love has no expiration date and she loved you so much; that will be with you forever. It really will. It takes a lot of searching, but when you come to peace with yourself, you'll be able to find your mom in new ways and feel her presence and comfort in a place deep inside your soul. I guarantee that it will happen because I am beginning to discover that too. Happiness might be a long way away for us, but one thing is for certain: our moms would never want us to live empty lives of sorrow and tears; they would want us to gain strength and find happiness with them in our hearts. By being happy, we can keep our moms happy as they watch over us. I hope that what I said helps at least a little, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please just send me a message and I will respond as quickly as I can. We're feeling a similar heartbreak and I am here for you. And one last thing... Remember that your mom always loves you and she is always smiling down on you. <3 Sree

I found this article online because to tell you the truth I have no clue what to do anymore. I miss my mom so much. She was my best friend also. I have a video of her and my dad from Christmas and I watch it probably 5 times a week and I just break down. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad but I miss her. My dad isn't the loving type with people so I can't really talk to him like that. My mom was always the one I went too for advice and problems. And the worst thing was that she died so suddenly she had a heart attack and I just get so mad because if I was with her I might of been able to help her or something. She just died recently on August 23rd and i still can't believe it. I just don't know how to cope anymore. I miss my best friend