Celeste Is Dead

My mom died on March 22....I am still numb. I think I'm in survival mode. I hadn't seen her for over 2 years because of her crack addiction, untreated mental illness and way of life. The day after the police came to my home, I went out to go through the room she rented in the worst part of Vancouver. I've never seen anything like it....blood, urine, garbage....my mother would have never lived that way. But she stopped being my mother years and years ago. I have much to say...but don't know how to let it out just yet. I believe this website will help me to grieve and heal. Celeste is dead. She is never coming back. She wouldn't let me help her and I've been self destructing for years out of guilt for not being able to "save" her. Maybe now, I will finally be able to let go.....
alisha1979 alisha1979
31-35, F
3 Responses Apr 8, 2012

I read your story and I have an understanding. My daughter has lived on the downtown eastside of Van for a long time dealing with her addictions.

*hugs* I hope that as time passes on, you will find peace with it all...

Different situations obviously, but I can really relate to your story too. Even down to the blood, urine, and garbage. Although, seeing that way probably really hard for you, my mom couldn't walk the last six months of her life, and she didn't have a choice really to some of the things she'd been doing, cause up until I came back into her life, she didn't have anyone but the nurses from home health care. <br />
I know dealing with my mom was hard growing up with her being an alcoholic, I can't imagine having a mother with a crack addiction. Addiction is addiction, but i imagine, that seeing something as hard as crack, could not have been easy to handle. But good that you got yourself away from it, I can't imagine what it felt like when you found out your mother had died. I know you probably realize this, but don't feel guilty. I struggled with this for awhile, and it lessened when I found out she'd nearly drank herself to death, and I had time to deal to an extent for almost a year up until the point of my moms death. So I was able to let go of most of my guilt. But you never got that chance, I know I don't know you well, but if you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm here for you. No one should have to deal with this alone, and I'm here for you if you need an extra friend :) *hugs* Keep your head up, and try to deal with some of the emotions, I stuffed mine down for awhile, and it came back at me, and probably will again lol But anyway, I'm rambling, I hope you're doing alright, I know it wasn't that long ago that you lost her, but I hope you're okay. Message me if you want a new friend, if you need me, whatever :) More *hugs* Now i'll hush :P