My Mother Died When I Was 9 And That Was The Start Of A Chain Of Events That I Will Never Get Over.

My mother died when I was 9 years old. She was just 30 years old. She was diagnosed just 5 months before she died and within 1 year my entire life changed.  The saddest part is that I have no memory of her at all, in fact I have no memory before the age of 10. I am 39 now with three children and I cant understand why I dont remember her. My father remarried 3 months after my mother passed and she had 2 children and they came to live with us. It was turmoil in our house constantly. My father started drinking and just never stopped he is still a heavy drinker. Two years later my oldest sister died from a blood disease and that was the second blow. I felt like I had lost 2 mothers. After my father remarried my stepsister was given my room and since I was the youngest I had to share a room with my eldest sister. She took care of me, my father and step mother had no interest in raising children they were only concerned with themselves and building a new life which felt like it didnt include me. After my sister died I was lost and I did a lot of things just to get my fathers attention. He was financially well off and whenever I wanted something I got it,  but only material things. I got everything I wanted but nothing I needed from him.   I hated God and just about everyone else and the next few years were bad. I constantly questioned why this had to happen to me. What had i done to deserve this. I turned to my mothers sister for help in remembering my mother but that did not help I still could not remember her, but it did help me to trust someone again. She was there for me in ways only a mother could be. As I got older I hated school and rules. I ended up quitting school to live with a boy, I just wanted someone to love me. After that relationship ended, I went on to several others until I found one that almost killed me. I met him years before we started dating. He was living with someone else when we met and so was I . We were just friends and I never thought of him any other way until years later. I saw him again after 3 years at a club, we started talking and the next thing you know we were back at his house and  that is how it all started. He was in my mind good to me. He was cheating on me and I suspected but never knew for sure. I was totally in love. I ended up pregnant and that is when he started to see someone else. I was miserable I even tried to kill myself.  During this time I found out my aunt was dying of breast cancer. She was the only one there when I was having my son. She was bald and sick from Chemo, but she was there. She ended up dying when my son was 8 months old. The father of my son was in and out of our lives for 2 years after but it was not a good situation. We were fighting all the time but I honestly thought I could make us a family.  The love I had for him was deep. It was hard to get over him and truthfully I dont think I ever will but I did move on. I married a wonderful man when my son was 3 and he is great with him. We ended up have 2 more children and life was okay for a while. We had custody battles but that stopped and we were able to settle into life. When my son was 9 I recieved a phone call from his dad's girlfriend saying that my sons father had a stroke and was in the hospital. I couldnt breath, I thought it was a joke and so my sister and I went to the hospital and found out that it was true.  Two weeks later he died. I cant tell how painful it is to watch your son go throught the exact same thing you did at the same age. It was and still is truly painful. I know that the actual death was not the hard part, it is the years that follow, the times you need a parent and they are not there. To see other people with their parents and know that is not ever going to be you.
It has been 3 years now since his death and I am still devastated.  And to top it all off during the time he passed my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has been clean for 2 years now but I still think I am somehow to blame for all of this.  I know its crazy but my life just seems to follow death. There are so many details and other things that I have not even written here.  It just seems to be heavy on my soul all of the time. Im not unhappy now, I have a good life, healthy children, great husband but somehow I still feel ALONE.
3andme 3andme
4 Responses May 7, 2012

A loving mother is especially watchful of her little children, since the younger the child, the more he needs his parent’s attention. Similarly, God especially watches over us when we are lowly and vulnerable. “I reside in the high and holy place,” Jehovah says, “but also with those crushed and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of those being crushed.”—Isaiah 57:15.

Nevertheless, you may wonder: ‘How does God watch me? Does he judge me by my appearance, or does he look beneath the surface and really understand who I am?’

Jehovah looks beneath your imperfections and understands who you really are. “He well knows how we are formed,” says the Bible, “remembering that we are dust.” What is more, he does not deal with us “according to our sins,” but he mercifully forgives us when we repent.—Psalm 103:10, 14.

Consider David, the Israelite king mentioned in the first article of this series. In prayer to God, David said: “Your eyes even saw me as an embryo; all its parts were written in your book . . . Search through me, O God, and know my heart.” (Psalm 139:16, 23) Yes, David was convinced that even though he sinned—gravely at times—Jehovah could discern his repentant heart.

Jehovah understands you better than any human does. “Mere man sees what appears to the eyes,” the Bible says, “but Jehovah sees into the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) God knows what makes you tick—how heredity, the way you grew up, your environment, and your personality all shape the person you are. He sees and values the person you strive to be, even though you make mistakes.

I have had terrible losses in my life- I lost my husband and mother within two months of each other in 2005. Now I am ready to die. I have tried at least 7 times since I was 17. Now I'm 50. I am in misery and don't see a way out. I am going to do it as soon as I get my son's college and inheritance set in a few weeks. No one will care. My son will get over it.

He will NEVER get over it, you havent gotten the loss of your mother and you are much older than he is. I have never lost anyone to suicide but I assure you that would be much much worse than an accident or illness. You are choosing to be without him to leave him. I know how helpless you feel I have been there but you have to believe if you want things to change they will. If you choose to stay unhappy thats what you will be. I would love to talk to you about your losses and pain. I may not be able to make you better but Sometimes just talking it out helps.

Consider four faithful people mentioned in the Bible who suffered despair to the point of not wanting to go on.

Rebekah: “If this is the way it is, why should I go on living?”—Genesis 25:22.

Moses: “Please kill me right now. . . . Do not make me see any more calamity.”—Numbers 11:15.

Elijah: “Take my life away, for I am no better than my forefathers.”—1 Kings 19:4.

Job: “Why did I not die at birth?”—Job 3:11.

If you read the Bible accounts about these people, you will find that their circumstances changed for the better—and in ways that they could not have foreseen. The same might be true for you. (Ecclesiastes 11:6) Do not give up!

“Throw all your anxiety on [God], because he cares for you.”—1 PETER 5:7.

Death can seem preferable to life when you feel that there is nothing you can do to improve your situation. But consider some avenues of help that are available to you.

Prayer. Prayer is not merely some psychological crutch; nor is it a last resort for desperate souls. It is real communication with Jehovah God, who cares about you. Jehovah wants you to tell him your concerns. In fact, the Bible urges us: “Throw your burden on Jehovah, and he will sustain you.”—Psalm 55:22.

Why not talk to God in prayer today? Use his name, Jehovah, and speak from your heart. (Psalm 62:8) Jehovah wants you to come to know him as a friend. (Isaiah 55:6; James 2:23) Prayer is an avenue of communication that can become available to you anytime, anywhere.

(Visit Jw.Org for answers directly from the Bible)

I know how you feel. I lost my mother when I was 16. I have some memories of her. Nothing that I can cling to though. I resemble my mother so I get oh you look like your mom so much. I have 4 children and miss that my children don't have a grandmother. It still hurts ....i still miss her.

You need Jesus. I know it sounds trite or canned. Pick up a Bible and read the books of colossians or ephesians and read and absorb. Ask Jesus to come into your life and help. He will give you new life and help you to heal. I promise!!