One Year...

One year ago today my mother, 45, had a massive heart attack. She was in a coma at the hospital for four days before we had to remove her brain-dead body from life support. I was 19 then, I feel like I've aged 20 years since. Sometimes. Half the time I act like a very poorly behaved 6 year old.

I have struggled with depression and mood issues since I was 10 years old when my father, a drug user, bailed on our family and we moved across the county and were homeless for a short while. The whole time my mother was the anchor of our little family, me and my brother and my mom against the world. She was so amazing - it's impossible to describe her with words. She was one of those people that people always remembered, and not because she was particularly beautiful or anything, but because her spirit was so vibrant, she was LOUD, and opinionated and creative and engaging to everyone she met, so genuinely kind to everyone. I have never met anyone remotely like her. She worked so hard to keep me and my brother feeling safe and well-loved and provide for us, she was so strong. We were so close, all throughout high school I always talked to her about everything, it surprised my friends how much she knew about my life. She knew me better than I know myself, and she loved me so much and saw this bright future for me that I believed because she believed, and now I feel like a failure, like it's too late.

Since she died, I have been so depressed. My brother is away at school and although I am not alone (I live with my boyfriend of 3 years) I feel like my family has suddenly disintegrated. I feel so lonely and abandoned, which are feelings I've struggled with for many years, but of all people never ever thought that she would be gone. It still doesn't make sense to me sometimes, that I'll never see her again. I've tried to seek help but I have no insurance, and also, I'm very anxious about doing these things myself. I'm so dependent sometimes it's simply pathetic, my boyfriend is basically my caretaker at this point, he works and pays my rent and I try to take care of the apartment but I have so much resentment - I'm practically living like a 40 year old housewife. I dropped out of school, I can't keep a job because I keep bailing on bad days. It's so out of control I sometimes feel absolutely helpless, I feel defective, like life just gets worse and worse until you alienate all the people around you and eventually die alone and miserable. I wish I could just quit, so often lately. I don't want to kill myself I just wish I could disappear and have never existed at all.

I am disgusted with myself. I think about what my mom would have done with this last year of her life if she survived the heart attack, and I am so ashamed. I don't know what to do, I don't even recognize myself, and I don't think anyone really knows or cares how messed up everything has become. I don't want to talk to my distant family about it because I don't even know them that well and I don't feel comfortable with them butting into my life, they don't know me at all. I don't know what to do, and even if I did, I don't think I'd be able to do it because I seriously feel like I can't do anything right, so I just do literally nothing at all, every day, for pretty much this whole year, I haven't grown or changed at all because all I've done is sit around and feel sorry for myself. Her death should have made me appreciate the fleeting nature of life, but all it's done is paralyzed me.
1one2two 1one2two
3 Responses May 24, 2012

u need to take one day at a time and rely upon those that can be, the pain is excruciating , i know that it feels like u want to shut out the whole world but god knows that u have to pick urself up n move on. My mum passed 3 months ago, the strength i found during the funeral and in her final rites was a rarity, something that i thought was beyond me but her strength was mine, so u need to find ur strength in hers.

Think how much she fought for you and your brother to provide you with a decent childhood, now it's time to live for your mother. She believed in you! Go make her proud!

I know it hurt but it hurt her to know that you're not living life to the fullest. Every loving mothers that loved their children would want them to do their very best to live a full filling life full of love and joy. Believe me, I've been where you're at and I am a mother now too. Be brave and strong and carry a part of her in your heart and go get the life you know she would love to see you have full of love and joy. A mother love doesn't end with death itself. That love is always with you before you were even born.