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My Mother Passed Almost 3 Months Ago And I Am Lost In The World

Hi. My name is Marissa. I just turned 21 last month, and lost my mother to stage 4 breast cancer on april 2, 2012.
My mother and I lived together in NYC. We were closer than close. I never felt a connection to anyone else as strong as I did to my mom. We did everything together. When I found out in january of 2011 that she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt myself driffting away from her. I distanced myself a little bit, I suppose to prepare for the worst. When she told me she was seriously ill and was told by the doctors that she was going to die within the next few months, I accused her of being dramatic. I cried about it but I did not believe she would actually die. There is no need to go into the final moments of her life, since it is too painful for me to think about.

I have not really mourned my mothers death until now. I met a guy around the time my mom was dying, who is now my boyfriend. This has helped with distracting me from the loss of my mom, but now I am feeling the strong pain. I cry everytime I look at her picture. I go to work and I look up movies of loss online. I would join a support group, but I'm not good at committing to things. Especially after a longs day of work.

I'm looking for someone who has gone through a similar loss, who can talk to me and comfort me.

Right now I get to comfort from my dad. He has lost his mind since my mother has passed. And my boyfriend has not mentioned or asked about my moms death. I'm not sure if he feels awkward about it or he just doesn't want me to be reminded, but this leaves me with no one to talk to except my therapist and my family, who do not know what I am going through.

Please, any advice would help.

thank you
MRK5791 MRK5791 18-21 3 Responses Jun 19, 2012

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Hi Mikayla,<br />
<br />
Reading your response gave me chills. It feels so good to know that another person knows exactly what I am going through. My boyfriend just moved in with me but I am still living in the apt that I shared with my mom. We got a new apt, in the next building over so we are planning to move there in the next 3 weeks. I have to go through all of my moms belongings which is really hard. Especially since it has only been 3 months, to the day.<br />
<br />
It is so strange to think 3 months ago today I was is the hospital watching my mom die. She died at 10:38pm. It is so painful to think about. the images of her in the hospital pop into my head constantly but I can not think about it. I literally push it away. It was a real nightmare. And now i'm trying to cope with the guilt and extreme pain.<br />
<br />
It's s comforting to know that you feel the same way when it comes to your finance and friends not wanting to bring up your mom. I thought it was that my bf didnt care but I see now that if I were him, I probably would not bring up his mom either if she passed just 3 months ago. <br />
<br />
It is also encouraging to know that I will see a day where I can look at pics of my mom and think of her, without feeling sad and guily and lonely, but happy and hopeful like you feel now. <br />
<br />
You have no idea how much I appreciate your response and I would love it if we could keep in contact so neither of us feel so alone in this.<br />
<br />
Always,<br />
<br />
Marissa K.

Hi Marissa, <br />
<br />
I've just read your story and thought I would offer some advice because our experiences are so similar, albeit it was 3 years ago that my mother passed now. I was 19 at the time, and she was 48. She had stage 4 breast cancer and I didn't really believe that she would ever die from it, even though countless people had told me to prepare myself. I even accused her of over-exagerating the whole situation. Like you, my mother was my best friend in the whole world and I distanced myself from her in the final moments of her life. Trust me when I say that she understood why I was doing it, knowing how hard it must have been for me to watch her dying. <br />
<br />
For the first 3 months following her death, life felt almost too horrible to bear and I wondered if there would ever be a morning where I would wake up feeling normal (it almost felt like I was floating around, watching someone else's life fall apart). I cried hysterically every time I looked at a photo of her or heard a song that reminded me of her. I too looked about numerous support groups/ forums just trying to find some comfort. After 6 months, I could go about my life like usual but I still felt extremely empty (and kept dreaming about the awful way she died). All I can say now (in retrospect) is that this feeling of overwhelming sadness will not last forever. It's true what they say - time really does heal things (I never believed it at the time, but its really true). After about a year, I could look at a photo of her without crying. And now (2-3 years later) I can look at a photo of my mom and smile; and I mean genuinely smile. To be honest, I still think about her every day but most of the time it brings me happiness to do so. <br />
<br />
Allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need, but this was my time fr<x>ame and I hope it helps. I honestly thought my life would never be the same (and it probably won't) however I promise you it gets easier. My theory is that life wouldn't throw anything at us that we weren't capable of coming back from (and our bodies/ minds are designed to get us through these horrific moments). <br />
<br />
I met my boyfriend (now fiancé) 6 months after my mother passed away, and I'll admit it was a very nice distraction from the pain. My boyfriend never brought up my mom's death, and didn't know what to say whenever I would burst randomly into tears. He's told me now that he didn't want to say anything back then because he thought I wouldn't want to be reminded of her death/ he had no idea what to say. I've found that my friends are like this as well, scared to even mention her name for fear of upsetting me. What they don't realise is that I don't want her to be forgotten and sometimes need to talk about her to get everything off my chest. Give your boyfriend time to get more comfortable in the relationship and start telling him happy memories of her when you can. This made my partner feel a lot more at ease, and now he's able to comfort me/ talk about her whenever I need it. <br />
<br />
As for feeling guilty - I did for a long time as well. Wondering if I spent enough time with her in her final moments, not telling her how much I loved her and what she meant to me... I think it is something everyone who has lost someone experiences, but you can't let it consume you. I promise this feeling too has a timefr<x>ame, and it gets much easier to cope with as time goes on. <br />
<br />
And remember, it's much, much harder losing your mom at a young age like we did. I honestly believe you're stronger than most people in the world for having survived what you did (like you said, nothing compares to the loss of a mother - they're the most important people in the world). I hope my story has provided some comfort for you in this really horrible time, and please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk any further. <br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
Mikayla

Marissa, I can't begin to tell you how much I can relate to your story. My mom passed less than a month ago from leukemia. Single mother. Honestly the person I loved most in this world. She too told me about her sickness about a year and a half ago, and I too began distancing myself from her over the past year. I lied to myself saying she'd be fine, and that talk of death was melodramatic. I even left the country for 5 months, believing everything would be fine when I got back. My mom went into the hospital the day after I finished school, and passed away just 2 weeks later. Up until the very end, I still would not accept what was happening. Loss doesn't begin to describe how I feel. The mourning has only just begun, for both of us. You have to allow yourself the time and space to face what has happened, and don't expect the loneliness and grief to subside any time soon. It sounds like you have a good support network -- use it as much as possible! The only way you can begin to ease the pain of this huge void in your heart is to let other people who care about you be there for you. <br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
<br />
ThoughtsVent.com

Hi Kevin. You are the first person that I have spoken to that is going through what I am going through. Its really unfortunate but at the same time its comforting to know that i'm not alone. I just miss her so much. I get distracted with work and friends but when I go back to my apartment, the one I shared with my mom, and I'm the only one there, it hits me that she is really gone. Its like a physical pain in my heart and then once the tears start they don't stop until I fall asleep. Do you ever feel guilty for not doing more? I do. I distanced myself because I was scared and naive. Since as long as I can remember, I would come home from work or school and watch movies in bed with my mom. When she got sick I would stop doing that, because I was afraid it would be the last movie in bed I would ever watch with her. Flashbacks from her on her death bed still pop in and out of my head and it kills me. I push away the image of that but it's so hard. I know exactly what you are going through. We both lost the most important person in our lives. nothing compares to a mother. nothing. I hope we continue talking to find comfort in eachothers stories.

-Marissa