I Just Miss Her...

My dad called the ems on my mom the first time Nov. 29, 2011. She died 3 times in route to the hospital. 2 times in her front yard. She was diagnosed with kidney failure. Later we learned that it wasn't only kidney failure but heart failure and terminal cancer as well.
On Nov. 29 I left my home in florida...Moved to Ga to do what I could for her. I was her driver to dr apps. I was her medicine administrator. I was her daughter. her friend. If she had a bad day and wanted to rant I was the one who caught it. If she was running a fever I sat and watched to make sure it came down. My world revolved around her.
On June 23 my mom went into the hospital for what would be her final time. That was a saturday. On Tuesday they told us there was nothing more they could do. Her heart failed when she did dialysis and without dialysis she would at most live 2 weeks. She wanted to go home, so on Thursday she arrived home on hospice care with me as her primary nurse.
The hospice nurse who saw her friday was off til Monday and she told us as she left that day that she would be surprised if she had to return on Monday to our house. Friday night the pains set in on my mom and I sat and held her rubbing her back like you would do to comfort a child. She was trying to sit up but was so weak she just laid her head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a long time. The last time we spoke was saturday, about noon. She took her final breath on July 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm. I was standing beside her bed. I was the one who laid my head on her chest to listen for a heart beat and screamed and begged for just a little longer with her before pronouncing her gone.
her death changed me...so much. I am sad...all the time. I don't sleep right. I sometimes cant breathe it hurts so much. I wake up wanting to call her...and then remember she isn't there. I havent moved back to fl yet...I cant bare the thought of being so far away from her. And in her life she was controlled by my dad. He told her what to do and when...and I don't want to go back to my husband cause I don't want to be controlled. I want to do something for me...and for me means staying with her...keeping the house she lived in. Which my dad says I don't deserve.
I am also angry...The family that showed up in her final days...they sat outside drinking and talking and laughing while she was in the house dying. I hate them all. My dad did it too. He was with them. If that isn't enough I am also mad at him for wanting to sell her things...for saying its all garbage. For wanting to rent out the house she helped to build 29 yrs ago. And for telling me one night that I am the one who killed her. That the stress of having someone like me for a daughter is what did her in.
I wish I could talk to her again. I wish she would tell me that she didn't hate me...that I did all I could do...That I didn't kill her...I mean I know I didn't...I'm not that bad a person...but it would be nice to hear her say it.
Everyone says death gets easier...that you move on....I havent yet....it hurts more every day...
angelz1976 angelz1976
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

i know how u feel, was feeling unwell today and my first thot was, i ll call mom and she wd ve some remedy, some loving words that wd make me feel better. liek they say, a mother can take on many roles during her life but nobody can take a mother;s place