Love You Mom

My mom passed away Dec14-2012 and since she left me I am not myself and sadly I never will be my mom was and is my everything my life revolved around her and I am lost I'm sad and angry and 1000 other feelings I'm mad at God he shattered my heart to prove he takes the best ... I don't know if my faith will ever be restored I am waiting for a sign a dream anything at all to make sure she is happy and healthy and has found her way . I want to know if she is with her parents and can see me I find pennies everywhere that is suppsta be a sign a angle up in heaven misses me .. I am missing her like crazy I am going crazy waiting to hear from her .. My mom was always there she was willing to do anything to help not only me but everyone that ever came in contact with her had nothing but wonderful memories she was just that kind of a women a wonderful wife mother grandmother daughter friend and sister .. I have cried everyday since she passed I can't feel better each day that goes by I miss her more and more . It seems to long to Waite till I see her again she was only 57 years old had so much more to give and live .. I with my sisters were there till her very last breath but I can not get that out of my mind we decorated her room for Christmas it took is 1 whole day to take everything down that's how much we decorated . I hope she saw her beautiful room .. I have so much hate for that hospital and the doctors that took care of her because they actually caused this .. I am a RN my self and have no idea how I am ever going to go back to work I hate hospitals I loved with a passion what I did before I took a leave to take care of her that also scares me .. I have visited her grave everyday since she left me I bring beautiful fresh flowers that the darn deer eat Everytime I am posses about that also .. I have never ever felt this was in my 32 years of living I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling I have always been a happy outgoing person now I don't even shower .. I am in such a rutt and I can not pull myself out of it .. Not sure of it will ever be better to be honest my family was a very close family we talked 15 times a day with my mom and my sisters and my dad we never moved far we all love 5 min from each other .. Everything we did was together .. My husband is supportive but makes these comments that hurt me actually I'm not sure anything could hurt me more than I am hurting at the moment I took her sheets from the hospital and these little hand things I made for her well let's be honest I took everything she touched and have then all nicely in my bedroom and everyday I find a hat or a wallet on something I can not tell you how upset I get .. I want to save everything forever .. All her clothes her shoes her makeup everything I'm not sure this is normal but I want everything .. Anybody feel the same as me I could go in and on but don't want to boar anyone I'm just wondering if what I am doing is a normal part of grieving is how I'm feeling normal as this was the first death in my family that Hirt me like this my grand parents passed but I hadn't seen them in15 pulse years so I wasn't hurt and they were 97 and on years old so it was time but my mom was only 57 it was to soon ..
Maryam1 Maryam1
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, I could have written your letter myself, I lost my mom 2 years ago Dec.15, 2010, to cancer she was 63, what you are feeling is normal at least I think so, because I feel the same exact way, I don't want to get rid of her stuff, I want to keep everything, I have no siblings so its hard to deal with everything on my own, my mom really suffered, I also asked god how he could make a wonderful woman suffer, and then take her from me, I said to him yesterday I need my mother. It's hard,very hard even 2 years later.
What helps me a little is when it's a holiday or a special milestone I wear something of my moms, a bracelet or necklace and it makes me feel like part of her is there, you have to think of her voice and remember her smile, remember the good times and how you laughed together, and not know because your grieving but when you remember your mom like that you will have a smile on your face too. I don't want to remember her last days, I have terrible flash backs and nightmare of the blood being everywhere, I can't think about it, that's why I only think of the good times, I miss my mom like crazy, what helps me is I talk to her everyday tell her how much I love her and miss her, sometimes I write letters to her, like a journal it helps when you need to talk and there is no one to listen or understand, also for holidays and her birthday, Mother's Day i still buy my mom cards put them in a plastic bag and leave them at the grave( sounds weird i know but i dont want my mom to think i forgot about her)and at her grave we are going to put a grandma jar, and if I or my kids want to write something for her, or leave new pics of the kids, cards what ever means something to us, that's my way of dealing with my grief.
Good luck to you sweetie, if you want to talk just message me,

Hi, my name is Tera. My mom died, 1 week after your mom. December 22nd 2012. She was 56 years old. I understand completely, what you are going through. I too have a hard time doing anything. From doing my everyday tasks like showering, getting dressed in the morning to cleaning my home. I do admit, that there are great days for me as well. Those days, are when I remember how much my mom loved me. Her and I were always close. I cared for her for the last 2 1/2 years of her life while her husband was at work. Everyday, we laughed and talked about everything. I've lost a couple of uncles/aunts and all of my grandparents. But none of them hurt as bad as losing my best friend, My mom. But sometimes all it takes to help with grieving is, one step everyday to achieve something that you know needs to be done. Do not, at all rush yourself. And remember that everybody grieves differently. Don't think about other people's comments too much. I had to respect that other people may not know what to say to help you, and are only doing what they know, because they can't feel exactly what you are feeling. I'm definitely struggling, but I believe that I will heal and I know my mom will help push me along in the right direction. I believe your mom will too. My husband has had my mom visit him in his dreams and I haven't. I always thought I would be the first person she would visit. I wonder if I'm not looking hard enough or I am looking too hard for her, so hard that I am missing the little messages. I am here for you, please know that. Best wishes to you and your family.

Save everything, it is your right, it is your mother. Your mom was so young, it is right for you to feel this way, I will pray for you that your spirit is lifted. Your mom is there in heaven she sees you and she loves you I believe this I just lost my mom and I feel her everywhere.

Yes I know how you feel but believe me we are all human beings and we have to get over this because we have to live for our children and our loved ones who are still with us. I resist myself to look at my mother's belongings as it reminds me of her all the time...........I am so afraid but now I want to change that. My sister, my husband, my father keeps telling me that it is nobody's fault it is fate. Now I know that I can never fight fate so have to keep moving. I have decided to start working again. I want to do memory books for my mother that will be with you even when you are 90 years old . Sweet memories . I would like to start some online parttime work to keep myself busy . Earlier I used to work online but left it but now I want to be real busy . You know if you keep yourself idle you lose sanity you get depressed and your family gets affected . I have seen that and faced that so I don't want that again in my life. So we all should try to be happy. Please keep posting to me...................