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How My Mother's Death Changed Me

I used to be the happy-go-lucky type.  You know, the one who always saw the proverbial silver lining.  This all changed in a few hours.

My mother and I never had a perfect relationship, but who does?  We were friends, as well as family and definitely had our share of troubles.  But, we always worked past them and never doubted that we loved each other. 

My mother's house was the town gathering place for friends and family.  The moment you walked through the door, the smell of coffee hit you first, followed by my mother's smile and warm greeting of welcome.  Morning, noon or night, you would find people around the kitchen table drinking coffee.  This tradition had been handed down from my grandmother.

When my mom found out she had cancer, I went into denial mode.  Not about her having cancer, but about the fact that she would die.  When we took her to the hospital, I really thought it would be like last time and she would spend a couple of weeks there, until she was stronger, and then come home.  When the doctor came out and told us that her body was shutting down and we needed to call the family, I went into protective mode.  I cared not what anyone else thought, only how I could make this easier on her.  My first words to her when we went back into ICU, was "I guess you are going to have coffee with Mammaw".  To which she replied "Yes, and Pappaw too".  I never dreamed she would go on to do that within the next 6 hours.  

All of the family made it to the hospital and we were all gathered around her bed as she took her last breath and God took her home.  Having a large family was such a blessing at that time.  All the support we gave each other, and our friends were wonderful and helpful too.  It was when they went home that it all started to sink in and when I began my transformation.  

I am not sure how it happened, but I now find myself being cynical, seeing the bad rather than the good in people and situations, argumentative and sometimes just plain rude and mean.  I hate this!  I was never like this before, but I don't know how to change it.  My husband has been wonderful through it all, but I know it has to wear on his nerves.  This has been almost 6 years ago.  I have, since then, lost my best friend to brain tumors.  I have also had a complete hysterectomy and can't take hormone pills or patches, due to them causing me to have migraines, so I am sure this isn't helping matters either.  I find myself crying in the shower or at commercials.  I catch myself getting angry at even the smallest things.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and always think the worst first, whether it is about them or what they think of me.  

I don't wish my mother back here, she is much better off where she is.  No pain, heartache or sorrow.  I do think of a lot of things I would have liked to discuss with her, questions still unanswered and things I wish I had said.

If anyone else is going through anything similar to this, I would love to know.  Maybe through sharing our experiences, we can better our situations.

 

callmejingles callmejingles 41-45, F 57 Responses Aug 20, 2008

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Oh man! First let me say I am very sorry for your loss. I understand exactly what you are saying. My Mom passed away last year, September 10. She was 84 and had dementia caused by a stroke.
I went through a horrible time and I still am. I still think to call her when I see something funny on TV. Or if I'm reminded in some way if one of our private jokes. My Mom had a great sense of humor; that is one if the things I miss most about her. She was my best friend. And someone I could always go to for advice.
My husband wasn't all that understanding with me and my grief. He's a good man and we've fixed things, mostly, with counseling.
One thing that has helped me to not be so angry, impatient, or moody is I started taking a mild ant-anxiety/antidepressant that was suggested by my counsellor. It really has helped. I still grieve for her-I always will. And I miss her everyday.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I want to be able to enjoy my life-kids, grand kids and husband. Friends and neighbors too. I know without a doubt that my Mom would want me to be happy, healthy, safe a nd content.
God bless you on your journey!!

I lost my mum when I was 12. She fell sick when I was 10 and it was too late for any treatment to be successful. She was my best friend, my rock, my world and I have never loved someone like I did love her. After her death my dad's family decided to move to another country. As an only child, I founded difficult to leave all my mum's family relatives behind, my friends, in a nutshell: my whole identity. Everything started to become really difficult, specially after my dad became a full blown alcoholic. My attachment with my aunty and grandma were not very positive due to their mean and not supportive behavior towards me. I felt like a burden, unloved and abandoned from the people I felt was my last hope of recovering normalcy in a new country. I didn't derail but became a very bad student after being the top of my class for 5 consecutive years. I lived in a haze for 10 years, I lived in denial as if everything was going ok with me when in truth I was holding all the pain and mourning I couldn't go through for fear of making my dad's alcoholism even worse. And then when I hit the 19th, all the crap started coming out like a big unstoppable flood of mixed feelings that ranged from anger, isolation, despair, hate towards my dad, my aunt, to my whole dysfunctional family. At this point my step mother started becoming very mean to me for not becoming a cleaning craze OCD like her (this was her way of dealing with my dad's alcoholism), in one of our fight she blurted out that my dad gave her hpv possibly what caused my mum's cervical cancer. I can't describe the hatred I felt, because I held my dad accountable for my mum's unhappiness previous her diagnose (he was a bit of a philanderer). All this on my shoulders, and I reached the point of **** it all. I left 3 careers half way through trying to commit with a guy that had many issues as well amount them, multiple girlfriends. I move to Us then UK to marry him, and haven't spent more than 12 years in a single country. UK is my fourth different country ( believing about unpredictability hey?) but I'm starting to mourn for the first time in 30 years and understanding my past better, althou I hate to remember the past is what it keeps me of understanding my present decisions and what I can curve in the future.... I still think of her. In two days is her anniversary

I took care of my mom for 5 years. She found a lump on her breast I tried getting into a doctor or the mammovan but failed at both. My mom had no insurance and was afraid of going in debt from doctor bills. Finally one day she called me to come get her from work she was so sick and she couldn't stand up. I took her to urgent care who then took her by ambulance to the hospital. She used to joke around and tell everyone she went in for the flu and came out boobless. My mom had been diagnosed with stage 3C breast cancer that was Sept 2010. The tumor was 8 in long so they also had to remove muscle as well. They removed 13 lymph nodes and 12 of them were cancerous.

I jumped on the train to her recovery. We went to every blood draw together, every chemo together, every radiation together, every doctor appt, other surgeries she had to go through, I was there with my kids the whole time. In Feb 2012 my mom wasn't feeling well again we went back to the oncologist and found out that the cancer had metastasized to the bone...we learned then there was no cure but she do treatments and take this medicine that would prolong death. After giving us a few minutes to talk about it my mom informed the doctor that she wouldn't be continuing with treatment she was looking for the quality of life not the quantity.

My mom lived in pain every day, as much as she tried to pretend she wasn't hurting I knew she was. I also knew she was trying to stay strong for me. You see my mom had 7 kids but her and I had this connection no one else had with her. I took care of my mom every day for 5 years. Without complaints without regret.

April 18, 2013 my mom was so dehydrated that she couldn't even swallow. Hospice came in and took her to "the hospice house" to rehydrate her. The following Thursday I came back to town and she was upset she wanted to go home. Friday morning hospice called me my mom was calling for me. I went to her side right away and one of my sisters flew in from Idaho to be with me . That night we sat on her bed watching Law and Order SVU our favorite show and she let out a laugh and said "girls night out." We said our good night's that night and the next morning she only responded to pain when we moved her. Sunday morning (April 28,2013) I woke up and went to her bed and held her hand she opened her eyes. I was the last person she saw she died later that afternoon.

I'm so lost without her. Sometimes I don't even know how to function. I felt so confused, so lost, so empty with her here. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through this and other days I know I'm gonna be ok.

I still have no regrets though. I was with my mom from the beginning holding her hand telling her it's all gonna be ok up until the end holding her hand and telling her it's gonna be ok.

Hospice was so sweet sending me letters every few months telling me that I should be grieving this way and that way. I really felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn't feeling all these things like they said. I should be.

I'm glad I stumbled upon this site because it's good to know that there are people out there like me still struggling, still trying to make sense of it all, and still trying to cope.

thanks

I have been going thorugh exactly the same situation in a way. My mother passed away and I get angry at everything. I can't get attached to anyone anymore and I hate it. She passed away 2 years ago almost of heart failure I was only 14 at the time. I went through depression and still am going through it. I just wanted to know why I cant get attached to anyone or why I get mad/angry at the littlest things.

Im 35 and lost my beautiful mom 5 months ago. she wasnt feeling well, the family went out for dinner and she didnt look well at all and I was concerned. A friend of hers told her she thought she should go to the ER and I agreed. she went to the ER and was diagnosed with Uterine cancer that had spread to her liver and stomach. <br />
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At first I tried to be hopeful and thought maybe with some chemo and a hysterectomy she could make it, but we were told with her COPD and terrible breathing they couldnt perform surgery or chemo. I was shocked and so hurt. She had symptoms before, went to the Dr. and had a pelvic AND abdominal ultrasound and was told she was fine and the only thing that showed up was some scarring on her liver.That was not to long before she got the diagnosis at the hospital. I really thought all was ok then got the news everything wasnt ok. I was so heartbroken when I found out and on top of that, one of her friends thought I was too emotional and that it wasnt doing my mom any good and she was too concerned for my well being to take care of herself. This shocked me and hurt me so I had to start acting "less emotional" around her, even when we found out she was not going to make it much longer. I would spend all day at the hospital with her and then come home and cry my eyes out. I also was in school and promised her I wouldnt quit, so I also had to have a fake brave face at school too. <br />
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My mom only lasted 2 weeks and passed away, she couldnt even go back to her apt. once she went to the hospital that is where she stayed. I have a lot of anger, towards the Dr./ radiologist who somehow missed cancer in 3 places, my brother, stepdad and nephew for smoking around her, in her house while she was battling COPD and towards her friend who made me feel bad for loving my mom and feeling emotional. I had to keep that brave fake face on throughout school, even though I was so heartbroken but I did finsih school, mainly for her. now that Im done(2 months ago) school I feel completely lost, I cry a lot, miss her terribly, have nightmares all the time and even had a single seizure which so far no one knows why(Getting tests done to see why) which I wouldnt be surprised if it was caused by stress. <br />
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I have a boyfriend, which I have had for 9 years but he is a JERK, in fact it was one thing my mom said to me in the hospital was to get away from him. He is a complete jerk to me, but I have no job and no money.. and now no mom so I have to be with him, for now at least. I start college soon and count down the days till Im done so I can leave him and hopefully one day be happy again. I also have no friends(Thanks to the jerk bf) so I feel all alone. I am thankful that I spent so much time with my mom, especially the past few years, as I talked to her at least 3-4 times a day and seen her at least 3-4 times a week. Im also thankful I told her I loved her and that I always made a point to do things for her, even the smallest things like getting her a slurpee whenever she wanted one or cooking her dinner. I am now going through all these tests due to the seizure and I am very stressed and also feel like I need my mommy to make me feel better. it sucks to feel so alone and helpless now that shes gone. My mom was not just my mom, she was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader and my inspiration and now all Im left with is memories.

I know you wrote this story in 2008 but I just lost my Mom to Cancer December 2013 and the crazy thing your story is my story too. I could actually hand this to someone and they would think it was I who wrote this about myself. I snap, I cry, and then I have to be strong for I have two younger sisters, I'm 39 they are 29 and 26. I guess I just want to feel better, I actually don't know what I want, besides my mom. It's the worst feeling ever and don't wish this on my worst enemy. Hope all is well or at least better. Thank you for sharing and I know I"m not alone with my crazy feelings and outburst.

I do the exact same. Do you know if there is a way I could go back to myself, a happy, hyper girl who never snapped at people or got angry at the most miniscule things.

Hello,my mum passed away this year on the 16 of January 2014.unfortunately for me she was taken when I wasn't around so Reading your post shows me that God was gracious enough towards you to let you see her take her last breath.I feel alone at times and even though I have all the support I need It doesn't help me feel as though I some how failed my mum.I'll admit that I did all that I could.visited her in hospital,spoke words of encouragement and did my best as a daughter towards her mother but after the death of my mum I feel as though everything I did was nothing.the pain,grief,sorrow I feel is beyond painful.I am thankful to god though that he has been gracious enough to give me a support system and friends who care.I know it will take time for me to heal but I guess that's what determines our strength at the end of the day.I can relate to every emotion you felt and trust me suicide was on my mind but I guess I have now realised that regardless of everything my mum was never mine to keep.she belonged to god and I know I do to so the best I can do is pray for god to give me strength and for him to forgive my mums sins.hole this helps you.may god bless you.

I lost my mother on 1/11/2014 and it has all been about burying my feelings and focusing on things I have to complete but I feel instead of being sad I feel I'm getting angry. I'm hating myself so much right now but everything is getting drowned in a pool of anger. How does this negative feeling go away?

My mother was murdered and I am trying to journal about how how it has affected me. I feel your pain in your everyday life but I know for me that my perception of my mother's death is a choice for me. I have a wonderful support group who helps me put things in perspective and lets me focus on myself and my choices. There is a group out there for you that can change your life and my hope for you is that you will find the right one. Being open to accepting support was the first big step for me. good luck

I lost my mother when I was 17. She was diagnosed with cancer in May 1992, she died in December 1992. I was already fighting with her all the time, because she was a person who couldn't let go of her children and I was in puberty. My parents put me out of the house in August 1992, and my school kicked me out of school in January 1993, so I basically had to deal with the grieving on my own. Not only did I lose my mother, I also lost my home, my school and my school friends. My entire world had been shredded to pieces, torn apart. As a reaction to this, I just wanted to numb the pain, so I started using drugs, mainly XTC, LSD and Marihuana, but also cocaine and speed occasionally. Basically anything I could get my hands on, not to feel the pain and reality. After about a year I totally crashed on LSD, got really scared and then tried to pick up the pieces of my broken life. I quit all drugs, went back to school, then to university and really did my best to "mend" my life. All the time I was feeling like a completely different person than before, I was negative, anxious, indecisive, whereas before I was positive, in control and looking forward to a successful life. I blamed it on all the drug taking. I was convinced that if I tried hard enough, eventually I would be able to return to the life and feelings I had before my mother had died. But no matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to be able to make it. I continuously kept being anxious about how to get my life back and about other people and had the idea nobody really liked me and that in any situation I was in, I would be kicked out or fired at some point anyway. I blamed my mother, my old school for giving me this outlook on life and I blamed myself for not being able to function normally so people would accept me. I always kept trying to achieve something, to make something and myself worthwhile enough to achieve some level of permanency. To restore the permanency I experienced when my mother was still alive. At the same time I got really clingy to situations (work, friends, study etc.) and really resentful towards these things also for not being able to give me the permanence and restoration that I was looking for. This mindset lasted for years and years. I continually felt abandoned and was scared I would be doing something wrong so I would be abandoned or upset because I was sure others would be abandoning me! And I had even a reluctance to commit to things, because I was sure I would be abandoned anyway! Then at some point I did come to a realisation about the whole issue, and I think, reading all these stories here, you might be able to relate to this as well. What I found is that my experience was actually no different from the experiences I am reading here. It wasn't my mother's fault for kicking me out, and even if it was, she did her best as a person, and I realised this is the case for everyone in this world. We logically are inclined to blame others or ourselves for things that happened to us, because it gives us a sense of control. If it was my or someone else's fault, then we might be able to reverse it. But the fact is, we are innocent and so are other people, thrown in this world, subject to a set of circumstances, that they had no part in choosing. So if it wasn't my fault, or my mother's fault, or my teacher's, there was only one thing left, the raw pain of having lost my mother, my home, my school, my friends, mainly my mother. Not anyone's fault, not their's, not mine. So I found out I was just being confronted with the impermanence of life, not as a concept, but as a smack in your face, indescribably painful fact of life. And after that, simply nothing for me would ever have been the same again, whether I had taken drugs or not, went back to school or not, go meditate or not or sit upside down for that matter. I blamed the drugs for my insecurity about life, but I can see more clearly now, it was just this immense loss that had changed everything. After this experience, the realisation that anything can just stop existing, die or change just like that. How can you ever, after such an experience, be able to trust again, to get attached fully again as you did before you found out permanence was just an illusion. And for me this goes for relationships, jobs, places to live etc. I doubt the permanence of everything, because I found out firsthand that nothing is here to last. Even my mother, the one who put me on this planet, who was my rock I leaned on, didn't last. How could anything else? And this is the dilemma I am faced with. Living and surviving in a society that is built on (the illusion) of permanency, getting a permanent job, getting married, a mortgage, building a career, saving for your pension etc., while I have been woken up to the fact that nothing is permanent in the harshest way imaginable. No wonder I am confused, negative and frustrated. This is a very hard and unsatisfying position to be in! All of life's and society's promises are ba<x>sed on the illusion of permanence and I don't believe in that anymore. I have been conned! It was so much better being conned and not know about it! But now I know! So what to do? My guess is, life will never be the same again, I will never get back to the life and the beliefs about life before my mother died, I will never belief in this illusion again, so better would be to embrace my new found reality, knowing that everything is impermanent, and make the best of it. It doesn't have to be all negative, it also offers huge positive sides, maybe it won't be the life I hoped for, the one I pictured, but there is a tremendous freedom in it. It offers a tremendous flexibility in life. I can take or leave anything, I don't have to put any weight on things anymore. Because I know it won't last, so I won't have to invest in things I am not interested in, because there is nothing to gain. Real freedom.

OMG I cannot believe how much my experience relates to yours..the fact is, I DONT believe in permanence too…lost my mom when I was 16, and ever since then, nothing seems permanent…and that has defined my experience in EVERYTHING…its as if there is a clock ticking somewhere and I have to cram everything I want to do, in as small of a timeframe as possible. And yes, I can relate to your frustration about society's obsession about permanence…it feels alien and rather isolating, as if the world out there is functioning at a different plane of existence..on the positive side, I HAVE lived my life fiercely..with more zest than anyone i know (people have said this about me)…because of that freedom you had mentioned…the boudaries that pertain to others do not seem to pertain to me, and I feel much more flexible to explore everything and anything beyond my traditional confines…it led me to uproot myself and emigrate to this country on my own, started a life here, family, schooling, career..way beyond what I would have done if I had a mother…ironic, isn't it?

I have lost both of parents, all in a year and 13 days at different times. I lost my dad on June 25th, 2005. He was preparing to come home to see his family for the weekend and was murdered Friday night. He was attacked in his house and shot to death. I had just turned 15 and I spoke to him on the phone 24 hours before he was killed and I was so excited for him to come home. The news was heartbreaking for my family (mom, sister and I). My mom was never happy and I wish I could do something to cheer her up. At that age, I knew I lost a dad but I never really understood what it meant. I had mom, so I was thankful for that.

6 months after my dad's death, my mom got ill. She was diagnosed of pancreatic cancer and they performed surgery on her. The doctors found out that she couldn't be healed and she came home and about 4 months and a couple of days later, she passed on. I never knew what was going because I was in a boarding school and no one will tell me.

I schooled 15 hours from our town and students couldn't leave for home till it was an emergency. My mom died, was burried, they had a funeral and no one told me. I was writing exams then and they thought it was best for me to concentrate on my exams and school because that was what my mom wanted. I found out during the semester vacation and for 7 years now, I still feel the pain like yesterday.

My mom became my best friend after my dad died and I promised to take care of her and my sister. I got so close and attached to her and loved her so much. I loved her more than anything else in the world and all of a sudden she died too. We didn't even get the chance to mourn our dad and a year later my mom followed.

Everything changed since then, people changes, absolutely everything. I am constantly depressed. I droped from a frequent 80 to 100% in my courses to as low as 40%. I couldn't concentrate in school or in anything at all. I lost my self esteem, confidence and I had no one to talk to but my grandmother. My sister was still young and didn't understand fully what was going on.

Now I am 23 years old and graduated from the university this year, and it has been 8 and 7 years separately and I miss them every second, especially my mom. My aunties and uncles are the worst and they treat my sister and I very badly. They keep reminding us that we are not their kids and they do not care about us at all. My grandma is the only one who cares and we are so close and attached to her the same way she is to us. She recently had a stroke and if she dies I don't know what my sister and I will do.

My life has changed so much and never in a million years did I ever think I will loose both parents and become an orphan. I have been affected in so many ways such as;

I have never had a boyfriend and I always feel like if I don't make it life, then my sister and I screwed. We don't have a home to go to. We don't have family. I wish I had a family and a home so badly. We stay with our grandma occasionally and our uncles stay there too which makes it very very very unpleasant.

I have lost my self esteem and confidence, I cannot concentrate, I started performing badly in school, I do not trust people, I feel like no one loves me, I continually think life is worthless, I can never smile or be really happy without thinking about my parents, I easily get emotional and angry eventhough I do not speak up, I feel very very lonely, I hate the feeling of having one and I get very scared each time I realize how sad I really am.

I have grown very close to my sister and I work hard each day in other to be able to support her, my grandma and myself.

I put on a very brave face around people and most of my friends have no idea that I am an orphan. I hate being that and I do not like it when people feel pitty for me, it makes me weak and all I strive to be is stronger.

Writing this out is helping me a bit, I am crying and letting all my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

I lost my mom May 4, 2013 in a car accident :( in which my best friend and I was in as well, a white jeep came out of nowhere. My best friend and I were also in the wreck. I find myself angry, withdrawn, never seeing the good in anyone anymore, In fact I feel as if part of me died with my mom. I find myself hating the people I used to dislike,( I know that sounds horrible)! :( I truly don't like this person I've become!!! I used to be Happy Go Lucky like you, I ask myself why am I like this? I've lost all interest in things I used to love to do, In fact Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I could care less I just want them to over already. I feel lost, scared, unsure of anything. My husband has been understanding and supportive, but I find myself taking stupid stuff out on him. I know my mom is in the arms of Jesus, but it's hard for me to bare?

I lost my mother March 2 2012 to cancer. She was only 54 when she died and I was 24 when she died and had a 3 month old son. My mother found out she had cancer February 10th and everything happen so quick.I never thought in a million years this would have happen. My mother was the center of our family and now its just me my dad and son. I have two older brothers but they have wives and families of their own. My mother was my everythng besides my son. After she died I felt like a piece of my family died. And I get so upset when I see other people out with there moms and I cant do that with mines. Holidays my son and I just stay home because we have nowhere else to go. I feel lonely all the time. I am mean to my dad because he was mean to my mom and I feel like he should be the one gone and not her. Everything changed when she died and I really dont see it changing anytime soon.

"After she died I felt like a piece of my family died. And I get so upset when I see other people out with there moms and I cant do that with mines." <--You are not alone I am jealous of people who still have their mom and I don't. I have friends that want me to come hang out with them and their mom, ya know coffee and talk around the table and I find every excuse not to, because I am mad, I can't do that. I want my mom not theirs. Please again, know you are not alone in your feelings.

I too have lost my mother 10/4/2013 she fell at her home, and in her recovery,suffered a strok the strok did so much damage she could no bear it and I watched her decline over the course of 8 weeks she finally gave up . I was there when she took her last breath, as I did with my dad 9 years Prior now I find myself being angry at family members. Because I have had to shoulder that Bearden and they did not ,I feel like they deserted her and me, also I find myself angry at my husbands family also at my mom's memorial, not one of them bothered to make an appearance, I've been in the family for over 30 years you would think that they would have took an hour out of there busy life's to pay a little respect ,I have done this for all of them at one time or another, I guess I see were I stand ,but I hate feeling this angry tword any one and I don't know how to stop it I try to hold it down but it keeps boiling up I don't know how long before I explode,then no one will like me when I'm done

I just feel empty now. Its like part of me died with her. Theres nobody to tell me "its going to be OK" or "I love you daughter" or "Im proud of you".....Its even more painful because my evil father kept us apart for most of my life. He told her horrible lies about me and would not allow her to contact me.....I only was able to be with her from 1/2011 till she dies 9/2012....my dad walked out on her, abandoned her for a 29 year old. Mom was 81. She was devastated. I think back on those days and even though my dad caused us both horrible pain, in the end I was able to "clear my name" and know my Mom REALLY loved me. I feel so cheated and angry over all the years, ****, DECADES that dad kept us apart. Bastard.

My mom died this last 6-17-13. I had just been to see her two months prior and I thought, "gee, she is doing so well." She was in assisted care by choice and had no major medical problems, at 93 I thought she would make it to 100. Then the call came and I was stunned, in a week the funeral, then 3 months later her house was sold. I didnt feel the effect until now, 3 months later and it puts me into a kind of fog. We had a good relationship but also problems but mostly I remember the good. Lately I have gotten more unhappy. I have had my own problems but mostly I am an upbeat person. I can harely handle anything. Ive had breast cancer and all that goes with it but that was 12 years ago. Basically I am ok but the loss of my mom has been much harder than I could have imagined.

I lost my mom Nov 19, 2011 to cancer. My dad pasted 8 months prior. My mom was my back up. If I ever needed anything she was there. She had a way of making things seem better. She was a Godly woman and she would always have a prayer for anyone needing it.
Since my mom died my husband has said I've changed. I'm not the person I use to be. I always had fun no matter where I was or who I was with. I tried to see the good in every situation but now I'm just bitter and angry at times. How do I get back to my old self or at least some of what I use to be? Will it ever get better?? My husband is doing his best but I know it's putting a strain on our marriage. I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't hurry up and get back to where I was my life and marriage will be over before I know it.

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this page and could read (and relate) to everyone's openness regarding loss. For so long I felt like I was the only one that turned "awful" after the loss of my mom. I wondered what was wrong with me and why I couldn't move on and cope after all these years like everyone else seemingly manages to do. But I'm relieved to hear that there are others out there like myself who found themselves a completely different person. Once a happy, easy going, free, optimistic, strong individual and then after the loss, a 180, bitter, often angry, frustrated, pessimist. I also have a hard time with guilt and what ifs constantly. I wish I could find my former self and stop dwelling in this negative place I exist in now. Outwardly I try to appear "normal" but I worry that because of being in this dark place for so long people can see through the facade and the darkness seeps out. I don't want this, I just don't know how to change it. I was in denial so long and now I'm just stuck. It's been 5 years and I'm terrified of what will happen if I stay in this place any longer. My mom was my confidant, counselor, friend, and biggest fan. She believed in me, so why can't I now? She was light and happy and brought everyone together. And when life is tough, she is all I want to lean on for help. I wish I could hear her voice or visit with her in my dreams. People often ask "what would your mom want/say/think/feel?" But this frustrates me more because I feel I've lost that too. So I make up what they want to hear since "I don't know anymore for sure of anything" doesn't seem like a plausible response to them...

I lost my Mom April 2, 2011. Its been 2 years. I have all the anger and sadness you talk about also. I am starting to see a counselor again because Im having a difficult time with life somedays. I have 3 boys that keep my very busy, and thats probably a good thing. Im a very spiritual person so I always look for sudden hidden things to keep me going, like a loose penny or coin, or sounds coming from my room.....anything that will help me know she is around me watching over me. I talk to God everyday. I tell him I miss her so much please tell her. But I also try to keep going like she would want me too. She passed away quickly from a massive heart attack, no signs of anything. I was in shock and still am really. Im worried it has had such a impact on my life that im a bitter person now. My marriage is hanging on by strings. My husband is still with me because we have children together. He doesnt believe in putting the kids thru a divorce. We both have strong feelings about raining them in one house. Our kids are #1 priority. I just wish I could be happy again, I have lost my personality. I cry alot when no ones around. Maybe one day I will not be so depressed.

I lost my mother three weeks ago, we expected it and tried to brace ourselves after her long decline at >80 years old. There was plenty of time to tell her all the things that you want to tell your mother. But the permanency of the loss cuts deep. As a hopeful person, I thought that if she would just start eating again she could become stronger. But now she is gone.

I've not cried much but at the worst times. I'm afraid of going into an out of control crying jag. All of the sudden I find myself engaging in anger outbursts, eruptions. It's unnerving for those around me and it feels like I'm indulging myself so I feel terribly guilty afterward.

Anger is a stage of grief, but I did not expect it to be this strong.

I lost my mother april 15th 2012 at 6:40pm, and the pain is excruciating I live with my dad (they were married for 40years) and my brother but I feel really alone. my mum wasn't just my parent but my best friend and sister at the same time. im 26 and feel I wont be happy again, im single, no children and just not interested in having relationships because my mum isn't here to share things with. I feel angry sad hurt peeved off and fed up all the time. I loathe the word cancer, I get jelous when people get the all clear and all I want to do is spend time at our family home doing nothing, but just being here. I was mid way through my degree whne I lost her, also had a part time job... I carried on with both after taking some time off, this helped and I believe If it wasn't from talking and seeking support from friends fmily and work colleagues I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I though I was alone feeling like this because its nearly been a year, and now I realise that I am not alone and that the pain and hurt I feel is because I loved her, homered her worshiped her nd believe she was stolen from me too soon. My mother was a strong women and fought for her life for 2 years because of cancer, but lost the battle and I don't want her back ill and in pain, and being unable to get comfortable but I do miss her and would only take her back in full health it wasn't fair seeing her uncomfortable. Im still annoyed upset and angry about everything Im not over it I just learn how to best cope with the days I feel the lowest.. usually by looking at pictures, visiting her sister or watching harry potter as I feel the closest to her when I do this. Love you mam and will forever x

I lost my mom on april 15th 2012. I was 4 months pregnant when I lost her to a heart attack. I havnt been the same since. I'm hateful,bitter,sad,mad and pissy. I feel so bad for my husband. I'm mean to him for no reason. He's a great dad and hubby. Idk what to do. No insurance to go to the dr to get the help I need. I just really want my mom back.

Danny I feel the exact same way as I mentioned above, thoughts are with you on april 15th xx

I lost my mom on the 16th. She had cancer for 26 years. But she was so strong the whole time. She went for a very long time with it not growing. Then last year, we found out the tumors in her lungs were growing again. In the summer she tried chemo but it was unsuccessful. When it got really bad after going off the chemo I tried to be with her almost everyday. The night before she died, she was in the bath. She couldn't get out, as she had lost so much weight and had become so weak. She tried grabbing on to me to pull herself up. But I told her she could do it; she didn't need to pull on me. Eventually she was able to get out of the tub. It was the same thing later when she was on the toilet. The next day, I made her an egg. She said she felt helpless. I told her she wasn't helpless but that eating the egg would make her strong and she could do it. Just a short while later she had a stroke and went into a coma. She died with my whole family surrounding her just a few hours later. We all held her in our arms as we encouraged her to move on. I am 22 years old. I feel like I lost my entire adulthood; that nothing will ever be the same. My parents are divorced and I was always the closest with my mom. I feel such intense guilt that I wasn't physically strong enough to get her out of the bath or the toilet. I know that this isn't true but I feel like if I had just been stronger and taken her out of the bath, she would have been fine. That she wouldn't have died. I feel so lost without her. Like I'll never be happy again.

I am going through the same, but I'm not even an adult yet. My mother passed away June of last year, and I miss her so much. There are things too that I wish I said to her, like tell her I loved her before she died. Now, once in awhile, I feel like my mother never knew how much I loved her. But, somewhere, somehow, now, I know she does. And she loves me just the same. Your mother loves you so much too, just remember that.
I send you much sympathy...

I am going through the same thing. My mom passed away suddenly in Oct 2011 due to a heart attack. She was my best friend, I can't seem to get over it...I get angry, but I know I need to move on but nothing makes me happy. I'm 50 years old, have no kids but I do have brothers and sisters that I am close with. My mom was my life... I will find my way, I am hoping. Thank you everyone for sharing there feelings, it helps.

MY DIED TODAY AND MISSED HER SO MUCH. MY MOMMY, MY WORLD MY FRIEND

I am going through the same phase right now. I just lost my beloved mother couple of days ago. It was so sudden that I could not even understand what happened to her . I just met her the day before she died. She was sick but I could never have imagined that she could die. I can never forgive myself for not being there and being able to help her. She could have survived. Now I feel like dying but I have family a child and my father . Need help

I lost my mother on January 3, 2013. She was only 48 when she passed. She battled stage 4 colon cancer for 6 years. I am 28 now. I was lucky enough to have her at my wedding in 2011, but am now having a hard time because I'm a couple months pregnant. I am angry because I never imagined myself going through this without my mom. She was my best friend. My emotions are crazy now because of the pregnancy, so the anger or sadness I feel is magnified 100%. I am having a hard time getting on with my life...

my mom was 36 when she passes of cancer thats when i was 10 im 14 now and i still miss her so much i used to be happy and funny before but now im mean and rude to others without meaning it and i hate it also i dont want to be like this anymore but i dont know how to change it :/ im slways so sad and find myself crying its hard so hard without her :'(

I have lost my mother at 19 yrs old . I am now 23 and married.Ifeel the same way.I'm always mean and evil..I don't know how to fix it. My husband is now leaving me..

I lost my mother in Sept. due to an anoxic brain injury she sustained while in the hospital . She was only 55. We also did not have a perfect relationship but we lived together & she was my rock. I'm a single mother of 4 & her death has affected me in ways that I could've never imagined. It all feels like a nightmare of sorts... I wake up crying in disbelief& I have never felt such heartache . My divorce was final right after her death& my oldest child moved away to live with his father 700 miles away. My mother would be so disappointed in me & I know it. It feels like my world is falling apart around me& it's uncontrollable. I lost my new job due to lack of childcare... & have a 13,000.00 funeral to pay for because the life insurance did not cover the expenses. I keep praying that God will give me peace but I'm realizing how strong of a person my mother was & wish that I could be half of the woman that she was. I feel like I'm on a never ending pitty pot & just really want to be happy again but it's not happening. I want to be stronger but everywhere I turn there's a constant reminder that she's nolonger with us. I'm also having nightmares about her death... I'm 37 years old. Shouldn't I have it together ?! I'm angry, sad, frustrated... Constantly wondering why this happened to her. I just want to be @ peace with her death. I'm not myself @ all. I'm bitter , rude, hateful... Always negative lately.

Please do not get frustrated just think of your mother and try to be like her. Try to visualize how good she was and follow her footsteps. Everything else will come in place.