How My Mother's Death Changed Me
I used to be the happy-go-lucky type. You know, the one who always saw the proverbial silver lining. This all changed in a few hours.
My mother and I never had a perfect relationship, but who does? We were friends, as well as family and definitely had our share of troubles. But, we always worked past them and never doubted that we loved each other.
My mother's house was the town gathering place for friends and family. The moment you walked through the door, the smell of coffee hit you first, followed by my mother's smile and warm greeting of welcome. Morning, noon or night, you would find people around the kitchen table drinking coffee. This tradition had been handed down from my grandmother.
When my mom found out she had cancer, I went into denial mode. Not about her having cancer, but about the fact that she would die. When we took her to the hospital, I really thought it would be like last time and she would spend a couple of weeks there, until she was stronger, and then come home. When the doctor came out and told us that her body was shutting down and we needed to call the family, I went into protective mode. I cared not what anyone else thought, only how I could make this easier on her. My first words to her when we went back into ICU, was "I guess you are going to have coffee with Mammaw". To which she replied "Yes, and Pappaw too". I never dreamed she would go on to do that within the next 6 hours.
All of the family made it to the hospital and we were all gathered around her bed as she took her last breath and God took her home. Having a large family was such a blessing at that time. All the support we gave each other, and our friends were wonderful and helpful too. It was when they went home that it all started to sink in and when I began my transformation.
I am not sure how it happened, but I now find myself being cynical, seeing the bad rather than the good in people and situations, argumentative and sometimes just plain rude and mean. I hate this! I was never like this before, but I don't know how to change it. My husband has been wonderful through it all, but I know it has to wear on his nerves. This has been almost 6 years ago. I have, since then, lost my best friend to brain tumors. I have also had a complete hysterectomy and can't take hormone pills or patches, due to them causing me to have migraines, so I am sure this isn't helping matters either. I find myself crying in the shower or at commercials. I catch myself getting angry at even the smallest things. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always think the worst first, whether it is about them or what they think of me.
I don't wish my mother back here, she is much better off where she is. No pain, heartache or sorrow. I do think of a lot of things I would have liked to discuss with her, questions still unanswered and things I wish I had said.
If anyone else is going through anything similar to this, I would love to know. Maybe through sharing our experiences, we can better our situations.