How My Mother's Death Changed Me

I used to be the happy-go-lucky type.  You know, the one who always saw the proverbial silver lining.  This all changed in a few hours.

My mother and I never had a perfect relationship, but who does?  We were friends, as well as family and definitely had our share of troubles.  But, we always worked past them and never doubted that we loved each other. 

My mother's house was the town gathering place for friends and family.  The moment you walked through the door, the smell of coffee hit you first, followed by my mother's smile and warm greeting of welcome.  Morning, noon or night, you would find people around the kitchen table drinking coffee.  This tradition had been handed down from my grandmother.

When my mom found out she had cancer, I went into denial mode.  Not about her having cancer, but about the fact that she would die.  When we took her to the hospital, I really thought it would be like last time and she would spend a couple of weeks there, until she was stronger, and then come home.  When the doctor came out and told us that her body was shutting down and we needed to call the family, I went into protective mode.  I cared not what anyone else thought, only how I could make this easier on her.  My first words to her when we went back into ICU, was "I guess you are going to have coffee with Mammaw".  To which she replied "Yes, and Pappaw too".  I never dreamed she would go on to do that within the next 6 hours.  

All of the family made it to the hospital and we were all gathered around her bed as she took her last breath and God took her home.  Having a large family was such a blessing at that time.  All the support we gave each other, and our friends were wonderful and helpful too.  It was when they went home that it all started to sink in and when I began my transformation.  

I am not sure how it happened, but I now find myself being cynical, seeing the bad rather than the good in people and situations, argumentative and sometimes just plain rude and mean.  I hate this!  I was never like this before, but I don't know how to change it.  My husband has been wonderful through it all, but I know it has to wear on his nerves.  This has been almost 6 years ago.  I have, since then, lost my best friend to brain tumors.  I have also had a complete hysterectomy and can't take hormone pills or patches, due to them causing me to have migraines, so I am sure this isn't helping matters either.  I find myself crying in the shower or at commercials.  I catch myself getting angry at even the smallest things.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and always think the worst first, whether it is about them or what they think of me.  

I don't wish my mother back here, she is much better off where she is.  No pain, heartache or sorrow.  I do think of a lot of things I would have liked to discuss with her, questions still unanswered and things I wish I had said.

If anyone else is going through anything similar to this, I would love to know.  Maybe through sharing our experiences, we can better our situations.


callmejingles callmejingles
41-45, F
78 Responses Aug 20, 2008

Well i dont know where to start and im bad at talking but here it goes. Im 22 years old and my mom passed away due to long term alcohol abuse last year. She passed the the day before my birthday. June 4th 12:34 pm. I was born june 5th. God id do anything to get my mom back. I mean she is free of pain. Free of suffering but theres sooooooooo much i wish i could tell her. My dad has never been there for me so im more then less completely alone. My mom was my best friend. In these 8 months ive became a wreck. I try oh i try to stay positive. Its just becoming unberable. I got a girlfriend but im just so isolated from any emotion except sadness, sorrow, and greif. I dont know how to handle myself anymore. I find myself snapping at my friends. Blowing them off. None of them really care. There actions when i ask for someone to talk to say it all. Im not sure this girls guna last because she puts 99.9% into the relationship and im struggling to hold up .1%. I dont know how to go about anything anymore. I dont know what do to. I have no parental guideance. I feel sooo lost. Since my mom passed i have been on a downward spiral. We used to just sit and watch tv. Talk about nothing. Talk about something. She was the only one who would listen to my bitchin about dumb stuff. She was the one to help me when life would turn ruff, when i would find trouble. I guess what im tryin to say is im lost and i just plain out need help...

I lost my dad just over 4 months ago. Like you, before everything happened, I was a sweet and happy go lucky person who always saw the best in everyone. I have always believed that a person can have every material thing in the world, but if they are not happy, it is as if they have nothing.

He was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer in 2014, but managed to survive just over a year. I am a medical student who goes to school far away from home, but when he was diagnosed I deferred school to stay at home and take care of him and my mom, as she was not in a state to take care of herself for a little while. When I went home last August, I took a look at my father for the first time in 4 months and knew that that was the last break I would get to see him. He passed away while I was there, thankfully.

My dad and I were always very close, and I do believe that he waited for me to come home. It was, and continues to be the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Ever since his passing, I have struggled to remain a happy person. Now I am the type of person who is trying to fight away the angry feelings, but at the same time trying to let myself feel the sadness and grief in order to work through it. I am constantly irritable, and feel as if my heart and emotions are always heavy and dark. I have my good days, but that darkness of missing someone I was so close to never goes away.

I can't imagine having to go through all the things you have gone through recently, but I just want to say that reading all of these comments has made me feel slightly less crazy. We may not have answers for each other, but at least we're not alone in having changed after traumatic experiences.

This is my fourth Christmas without my mother. She died suddenly, traumatically, at age 71. The healthiest one in the entire family, it didn't make a difference. We had so many plans for the future, of things we would do together. The day before she died, we spoke for the last time, I was calling to tell her the date and time of my flight, as I was visiting her in two weeks. It was the last thing she wrote on the calendar. We lived about 500 miles apart, I had seen her in June, this was the beginning of October. It is still so painful, that I missed seeing her again by two weeks!

I've done everything one is supposed to do since - gotten involved with new activities, spent more time with friends and family, even had some therapy. It's taken several years, but I did reach a point where I felt like I was stealing time from the living, in my grief for my mother. So I resolved that I would focus my attention entirely on people when I was with them, and save my grieving for my own private time, no need to inflict it on others. Yet the grieving does go on, and I often feel like everything I do is so pointless. I am extremely busy, I do meaningful work, I volunteer, I have a creative life, but none of it is emotionally satisfying, and I still find myself often thinking "why bother?"

I think what makes it worse is that my siblings didn't really stay in touch with her much or seem to care for her. I talk about her with my father, but it is difficult to get past how badly he treated her when she was living, and his self-pity now that she is gone makes me want to scream.

Holidays are so very hard still. This is the time of year we would shop, and cook, and eat, and have fun together, just the two of us. I can't bear Christmas anymore - it's just a time to get through - and then go on with my life on other side as best I can. I have trips planned for next year, and many "fun" things lined up to do, but some measure of joy has gone out of life that I don't think I'll ever get back. Maybe that's just the way it is supposed to be.

My mother died in a car accident recently and it is veryhard on my brother and me even though we are both grown we were very close with our mom since we lost our dad when we were teenagers..ever since my mom's death I feel like I'm mad at everyone .I cry at the drop of a hat and everything I think about is revolved around my mother. Maybe I haven't grieved all the way I don't know but I funny know how to get past this and quit being mad at the world...anyone else feel this way?

My mother began showing signs of her colon cancer 2 years ago. My cousin had just died so we chalked it up to grief for a while. We went to the hospital twice and each time they dismissed it.

After they eventually found and removed the stage 3 tumour and gave her chemo, I thought it was done. They told us that it was precautionary. They sent us home with a follow up for only 6 months after. I thought it was done. I went back to being positive. Like you, this was a part of my personality. So when people asked me how my mom was, I repeated over and over that she was fine now and that she was going to be okay.

My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer soon after. I spent most of this year looking after her. She was always my best friend but I found it hard to watch her die. She eventually passed last month.

Since then I've been so angry and cynical. I'm convinced that the worst case scenario is always what I should expect. I push my boyfriend and my family away with my anger, which is sparked by the smallest thing but in the moment I cannot stop myself. Crying only happens when I'm not surrounded by people I know.

Right now I've got a problem that I know I could only speak to her about because she wouldn't judge me and she always only had my best interests at the core of everything she did.

I understand where you are coming from completely. I wish I could offer some help but I have no clue myself - but hopefully knowing someone knows and understands your situation helps.

I feel for you all here. I lost my mother on 22 September 2015 from Cancer. She was my best friend in life, giving unconditional love at all times and I am not close to my two brothers and estranged from my father, so she was my whole family. I have dreaded the day of her passing my whole life and now that it is here, I feel like an orphan who is very alone. I have witnessed and experienced some terrible disrespect from my closest family towards her memory, possessions and also I have been bullied by my two remaining brothers and ganged up on concerning emptying her house and other things, including her Will. I do not trust anyone in my family or relatives left and neither do I seek their friendship because noone will ever replace the bond between my mother and I. I am very fortunate to have a lovely, supporting and kind partner in my life and he helps me to be strong. Moving forward, it is sad that I feel I need to cut the rest of my family out of my life, but knowing they are not on my side, this is the best thing for me and old and new friendships I will make will become my new family.

my Mom Died 2 days back, on 7th Sep 2015.
I am 24 , will be 25 in 20 days.
I was very far from her and was not able to attend funeral , i think i am not able to accept the fact , that she is no more i dont know whom i will call when i am feeling low, i dnt know what i will do when i go back to my home country.
She died because of cancer i wish now i can be a part of research to make some cure for it in future.
I know how it feels , that i nothing like i felt before nothing like i will feel again.
The time i got the news i shouted oh my god ! Twice i was not able to speak for 10 min.
All my friends asked me whats wrong , the only thing i was able to do was to cry and this was the first and i think last time i cried tht loud and un controllable.

Its just 2 days and still i think i will call her tomorrow but then it hits me tht she wont be there.

I try a lot to divert my mind , i do things which i used to do before but somehow the message which i received saying my mother is no more, this message keeps repeating in my mind.

And i keep thinking about her. What shocks me more is my whole life whenever i prayed , i never prayed for myself always for my parents and this is what i get.

I know everyone should face death, but atleast i wanted my mom to see my children , she was planing for my marriage next year.

This is my first longest post online, i never write this much.

But somehow writing makes me busy and i am able to divert my mind for a bit.

I know she is in better place now, no pain can hurt her , no worries just peace.

I feel for all who lost their mother.
I dont know how will i be able to live the same way.
I think i am not complete without her , as i lost a part of me.

She was 52 , its just i dnt know what to do.
Its like time is running out and i am still in hope that i will see her again talk to her again.

Please, if anyone knows how to move on do tell me.

My mom died the same day yours did.

Her's was a brain degenerative disease and her heart was too weak to fight the aspiration pneumonia - her lungs were infected. After spending 2 days in the ICU on a ventilator, I was hopeful when she started breathing on her own on the 3rd day, albeit with an oxygen tube.

Two days later her heart stopped beating and she passed away early morning. We were going to bring her home that day.

In the five days that she was in the hospital, she never opened her eyes and was otherwise unable to communicate. My mom had turned into a vegetable and there was nothing I or the doctors could do about it.

I know pain. It comes and takes over at the most unexpected time without even realising or knowing what triggered it.

I was calm and composed during the funeral. After my relatives left and it was just my dad and me, I cried my heart out. It felt like I will never be able to stop. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone and just be with my grief. But my dad and uncle and aunt are a big support.

I am still grieving. There are still moments where I don't know what to do when I cry, but I am trying to accept that it's part of the process and that I have to slowly, eventually let it go.

Talking to people helps. Having friends who have gone through the same thing can help you a lot. It helped me when I could relate to someone.

I didn't feel like celebrating my birthday, which was two weeks after and I bet you didn't either. That's the day that hurts the most, because it exists for you because of her.

Try a vacation. Keep yourself surrounded with people. And keep busy, it diverts your mind.

I know that the 'missing her' part will never end in my life. But I have to try and make peace with it somehow, sometime.

Hope this helps. Take care of yourself. Hope and peace

My mom is currently home and the hospice team comes once a week. I chose hospice for her before she did. She is so strong willed and has this desire to live., but she wasn't really living. 83 years old, I lot of diseases and blood transfusions every 3 weeks for the past 6 months. Her Providers finally diagnosed her with myoedyaplastic anemia. Although she hadn't passed yet and have the opportunity to say what I need to, I can't because I'm afraid that she will think I am expecting the worse to happen very soon. Like you I find myself crying in the shower, easily angered and have moments I want to die. Its ironic really; my mother has the will but a non functioning body. I have a functioning body yet no longer have desire. I hope this has helped you even just a little.

My mom died from ALS the last week in March. It is a terrible terrible disease that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I too was in denial that she was going to die, and I know she was too. She started declining quickly and the doctors told us she only had two months...only a month later she was gone. I've found that watching her doe the way she did changed me a lot. I swear that this light that was once inside of me died with her. I was a cheerleader in high school, I was always happy, smiling, taking selfies, you know stupid high school girl stuff. My life was perfect growing up, a fairly tale even...I was not prepared for something like this. I find now that I hate taking pictures, which is something I once loved. It's summer time now and I never lay out anymore, I do but I hate it...when I used to set alarms so I could wake up and be outside right at noon just so I could get the best tan, that's how much I used to love it. My best friend and I got in a huge fight and I punched her in the face, and I have never been a violent person. Her and I no longer talk and I don't care...not an inch of me cares. At this point if she never talked to me again I really wouldn't care. We've been best friends since I was in 7th grade. How can I not care that she isn't talking to me? I just have this hate inside of me that I can't shake and I don't know what to do. I just graduated college, I'm stuggling to find a job and I don't care about that either. My mom was an amazing person, she was down to earth, fun and caring. She was the mom that took in my friends who had bad home lives and needed a place to stay. She was a nurse and spent her life saving lives, and helping people feel better. She did not deserve ALS and she did not deserve to die at 50 years old. I am so angry and sad, and just plan mean to people and I used to be the most empathetic person ever. I used to feel guilty for days for even being slightly mean to someone. Now...I could care less and that scares me, I don't even know who I am anymore. So yes I do understand how you feel, I just hope I can find myself again.

I'm 13 My mom died July 8, 2015 around 5:30 A.M due to cancer it was very advanced, she was not able to be given chemotherapy because her platelets where very low we left the hospital with hospice. She was doing great then her body was slowly shutting down I worried for me and everybody else. My brother age 7 and sister age 12. She passed away & sometimes I'm okay sometimes I cry I really don't know anymore I do miss her but I know she's alive it only her body that has died but her soul is with God and she's watching over us she feels no more pain she's perfectly fine. This summer has been in and out hospital & turned out she passed away not a very good summer but I know she wants us to stay strong ❤️.

You are very brave. I hope when my mothers time comes, I will be as brave as you. Thank you for sharing

My mom also left me an year ago due to lungs cancer...since then i feel so lonely and i have a lot of things to tell her...i am a student and my life is going very down after her death...i wish i could meet her yu and miss yu

I know exactly how you feel. I pray for us both. I know amidst all this darkness, there is light. Hang in there.

October 6th,2014 my mother passed away also and as I read your story and found myself in those lines. However I was 500 miles away when she passed . I had recently to Texas from Mississippi where she lives after graduating college for the second time. I went from being a nurse to an embalmer . She was so proud of me stepping out and doing something that I had dreamed of for years in July 2014 she came to Texas to stay with us for a month. Her and I went on a 3500 mile trip together in the north part of Texas to South Park Texas and cross through Louisiana and to her home. I never knew today. When I left that be the last time I would never lay eyes on her alive.
That Trip was one of the most amazing vacations I think her and I have ever been on together and we had taken many a triptogether . 1992 my father had passed away and for many years was just her and I we were more than just mother and son she was my best friend she was an angel to me because you see I was adopted. She save my life and gave to me aHome and comfort when no one else wanted to. I honestly felt as if I had been chosen and not that I was better than anyone else just I felt that much love.
When the call came that she had been to the hospital I asked her my telephone " mama do you want me to come to Mississipp?" she answered me saying I always want you to come home but not right now I go I'll be fine its just my kidneys and they're going to give me some antibiotics and I'll be better. 3 hours later she passed away.
Since this time I get so angry so mad so hateful and you be so vindictive and so rude to some of the people that I love the most.
I don't know why and I cannot tell you how it is happening. I have a wonderful partner and we've been together for more than a year and my mother had met him and fell in love with him on her trip to stay. As we made our last journey across Texas Louisiana Mississippi she told me these words be good to that boy because he seems like a real fine young man. These are words that I had longed for 34 years to hear because you say growing up in a Pentecostal family I had been shunned and even asked to.leave our church. Yeah true all of this now these words ring at her mouth and she apologized to me on that trip forever falling into the trap of hatred that many churches taught. She even went as far as to say and I should stand strong and tall and I always knew that she would love me and accept me because I was her baby boy.
Today I sit in our home here in Paris Texas and I feel as if I'm all alone and I know it's my own fault because I'm so mad and I don't know what to do or how to change my self back and do the loving happy carefree individual that long for the Sun to come up every day. So yes I feel your pain. Just wished I knew how to break this cycle.

I am.

The whole dynamic changes and no one understands the impact of losing the only person you trusted but the only one who would also tell you the hard truth. All I can tell you is that in life there are definite multiple soulmates. And one day you will be lucky enough to find someone who sees the real you, and still admires you in spite or because of it.

I feel more or less the same, as my mum died within 3 months of being diagnosed with what we thought was a curable disease to something more. My mum died after three major operations and never regained consciousness. We never expected this and my dad and brother and me are devastated even 18 months later. I partly blame myself for not understanding the depth of the liver condition, but on the other hand our mum never told us everything about what was going on. I feel pain like never before. Don't know how to cure it yet. I have children so I'll have to. Amanda xx

Hi, my mother died at the age of 47 when i was only 11.. My mum was a lovely person, yet she made some silly mistakes, but i never thought these mistakes would lead to her own death.. I was not coping well with my mothers death, and at times i would want to die, want to just never wake up! Just so i could see her again... The depression would take over my body and leave me feeling extremely sad, and i was once before a happy, kind person, and now i dont know what to think of my self. I have never showed anyone my true emotions, because i am scared, at times i get overly angry, overly sad... yet most people think i am just the same, happy, kind, because i try to show that around other people, yet when im alone, i used to break down, wake up the next day with sore eyes because of me crying the previous night... i will become extremely angry over nothing! And i couldnt help this, every day i was crying, and i couldnt take it!

One night i started crying, and just wouldnt stop! I couldnt stop! My bed became wet with tears, and i wasnt going to let my depression win this time, i told my dad, and he saw me cry like that.. he found me help at a child hospice, and after going there for about 8 - 10 weeks i now find myself, still very sad, and angry, but nowhere near as angry and sad, and i dont feel suicidal every day now...

My dad now says, that i shouldnt hide my feelings now, not to "bottle them up", and although this may be hard due to school, (i dont want to cry in school, its not nice) i dont bottle up my feelings, even if it means crying every night! It is better than letting it all build up!

Stay strong my friend!

This is exactly what im going through right now. I lost my mom 9 months on April 26th.

My mother passed away on March the 3rd, she was 58, I was away on a humanitarian mission, she's been sick for 3 days and begged my sister not to call me so I wouldn't panick...they called me when she went into a coma, she died 6 hours later when I was at the airport customs in Haiti, telling myself, she's going to be OK, she cannot die, she's mum! I spent 2 days between countries and planes trying to get home before they bury ( stupid Muslim traditions!) and I reached home 5 minutes before they take her.I remember I was in total denial, until I saw her her, she was smiling and my mind was telling me, she cannot be dead, she's smiling!, When I kissed her, I remember how cold she was, in total contrast with how mothers are , so warm...needless to say I totally lost and had to be carried away by my cousins. I ended up telling her sisters, her mother, my dad, my siblings, that it's OK, she wouldn't want us to be sad but deep inside I was heartbroken, my mother didn't have the time to see her grandchildren, none of us was married, I wanted to do so much to her, tell her many things, how sorry I was for not being there...Sometimes I feel calm and serene and sometimes I totally collapse, I don't know how other do it, if anyone has some advice, I'm grateful.

My mom passed January 30, 2015; just 5 weeks ago. She had to have emergency surgery for a blockage in her colon and just couldn't recover. She was in the hospital for two weeks and showed some improvement despite the set backs. The last set back was fluid in her lungs. She ultimately died of respiratory failure. She was 65. I am 43 and feel like a 5 year old little girl who wants her mommy. I cannot get over the shock. I am looking for acceptance but cannot see that ever happening. I still pick up the phone to call her. I still want to tell her things but can't. I know I am lucky to have had my mom for the amount of time that I did. However, I am bitter for the amount of time I won't have with her. Although this is the natural order of things, it doesn't feel natural. I am also angry and mean a lot. I take it out on my husband who has been very understanding and supportive. I don't know how to feel better. Sadly, it seems everyone I have spoken to that lost their mothers early, has never gotten over the loss. This doesn't give me hope. I feel sad and lonely all of the time. I am upset by seeing other people with their mothers. I know this is ridiculous. I just want her back. I understand what you are going through and wish we could all find peace. If anyone has some advice on how to move on from such a deep loss, I for one would welcome the comments. I find some peace in reading books about heaven and near death experiences. Although brief, I find peace in knowing what she is doing now. I know she is in heaven and is my guardian angel. I have to say that the minute she died, as she took her last breath, I had a feeling come over was the absence of fear of my own death. I know she is up there and will welcome me. I am no longer afraid to die because I know when I do, I can be with her again. That is the only positive way that my mother's death has changed me.

It's gone 3am, and I've just found this, so I will read through all these later. I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost their Mum. I really am.
My mum was stolen from me on Jan 25th 2015, after 6 and a half weeks of hell. There were so many ups and downs, and her death that night was totally unexpected by everyone, including the "doctors". They found her dead in bed in the morning, I couldn't even be there with her.There will be an inquest, so I can't say too much, but I had to reply to you, as almost everything you've written, could've been written by me. I feel like a little girl, I keep screaming and sobbing. I just want my mum.

It was Mums birthday March 11th, mine March 8th, her funeral March 4th and it's Mothers day Sun. I don't see how I can get through this. I don't want to get through this. I'm meant to be strong for my dad, but all I want is for my Mum to come home. I need my mum, and I don't know how to fix this.

I'm the one who made her go to the outpatient procedure. It's my fault. We both had bad feelings about it. the day before she said she wasn't ready to leave me yet. She begged me not to make her go, that they were going to kill her. I'd been saying to dad, we need to change the appointment. He said what if we change it, and something happens, then it is our fault. He said she'd be home in a few hours, it's a simple thing. the morning of the procedure, Mum again begged me not to make her go. I lied, and told her it'd be ok. I remember looking at her, and thinking, if she dies, you will remember for the rest of your life that you lied to your Mum. I hope the rest of my life isn't long, so I don't have this pain anymore.

I'm sorry this is so long, I didn't mean it to be. I just need my mum. My mum will make it better. I'm 41, well, 42 now. My Mum was 80, but a good 80. Fully independent, smart, funny, and so so kind. Why out of all the people in the world did they have to torture my mum to death.

I was always a strong, happy person. Now I'm horrible. I look at old dears, and get mad that they're still alive, when my mum isn't.

As I read your story the thought came to me and I hope this helps you but what if you did not lie to her and what if right now and she's in the arms of a perfect God everything is OK? God in hasReasons and timing then no man will ever know because his ways are not our ways and sometimes I do believe with all of my heart he just needs to fill his choir with one more heavenly being. May God bless you forever.

I lost my mum to cancer and it was harrowing both for myself and so it appeared for my beloved mum.Six months on I still can't accept it. Why not?my logic mind knows she has died but my emotional mind won't go near that prospect. I have had one big outburst of crying but otherwise very little,it's as though I can't let go! My children who I loved and I presume I still love are like strangers to me,in fact I feel I exist in a world which is totally unfamiliar to me! So I do sort of understand where you are coming from,I've changed I think for ever and not in a nice way.The Earth has tilted and I've fallen down and can't get up to resume my life,I'm stuck!
I avoid looking at her pictures as it stirs something so painful it wrings my heart literally.How does one get over something like this ,do you just get used to these very long emotionlessness episodes and these short intense painful periods. Is this what it is like for most people when they lost their elderly mother. I hope most sincerely that you and myself as well as anybody else who is suffering such a loss are at some time able to genuinely smile at the fantastic legacies that our mothers have left us. However all I can say for now is I sympathise with and walk in your shoes- .

This is exactly how I describe the surreal feeling of losing my mother... The earth has tilted and my life is no longer the same-I lost my mother on January 8th and I feel like I've progressively gotten worse...I'm still young and not married and the thought of going through any of that without her knowing or helping kills me, it almost feels like it kills me. I can't keep up with the loss or live in reality right now and once reality hits- I feel as if I've lost my footing in life and I've lost my life in a sense. I am no longer in control of my life and I feel like I'm walking in between worlds and nothing is real. My heart is broken and I don't know how to move past this, but reading that other people feel the same makes me feel like I'm not alone... I'm a teacher and I'm not at work, I'm completely out of the world and I can't stop crying- I feel like I'm losing my mind with grief and I feel so beyond the depths of sadness... What can be done?

I lost my mother in July 2013 after a brief illness. I have not been able to cope with the loss - she was my world. I feel I should have been more careful. God knows why it had to happen so soon.......

I lost both my parents within four Months of each other both of cancer. My huband also decided to leave during all this...and both my dogs died premature deaths. I can truly say I've never been the same. Don't think I ever will be. Nothing brings me joy any longer. I'm just breathing and going through the motions.

no feelings of joy, just going through the motions. i feel this way and my mom has been dead almost 26 years now. i truly feel like i coped with the loss better in the early years than i do now at 48 and that puzzles me a bit. it's as if the true loss is just hitting me because i have so many questions for her now that i didn't think of at age 23. at that age you think time is on your side, you'll have your family for years to come but it doesn't always work out that way for some of us. i feel especially depressed right now because i dreamed of mom yesterday, saw her dead in the dream which hhad never happened before and that has me very emotional. even thought it's been a quarter century for me, i'm still looking for advice on how to cope.

I was 15 when I lost my mam she died 20th February 2014 and I tell you this has changed me I struggle looking at other kids with there mams and all I can think is that are really ungrateful and don't understand what it's like not to have your best friend there to get up to miss chief with but after she died I went into depression and my anxiety got worse and I was kicked out by my dad and moved in with my sister and her fiancé then it still to hard I cry at everything near enough I hate it I want her back she died of 5 different types of tumors which grew quickly towards the end but she battled for 3 years and I couldn't of been any prouder of her and at 16 years of age I look up to her and hope to be like her as grow up

i really feel sorry for your loss...I JUST LOST MY MOM ON MAY 18 she had 3 cancer tumors 2 of them were located in her brain and the other one in her lung. she couldn't either walk or move her hands due to the damage in her brain. she was in the hospital for almost one month, doctors were trying to find a way to fight the cancer back but unfortunately the cancer had expanded almost all over her brain and there's nothing they couldn't do for her anymore so they had decided to send her back home. i would never forget that sunday night when she passed away,,,my life has changed completely AND KNOWING THAT FACT that I WONT BE ABLE TO SEE HER,HUG HER, KISS HER AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, IS EATING ME ALIVE I THINK OF HER EVERYDAY. I THINK ABOUT ALL THE BEAUTIFUL TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER ALL THE ADVICES SHE GAME Me ,..... BEFORE SHE DIED she told me son i might not make it so i don't want you to be sad and crying i want you to be happy, i want you to make your life full of happiness don't worry about me!! it doesn't matter where I be I would always give you my blessing...these 5 months have been really hard.. i don't know how long is it going to take me to feel better.. i know she doesn't want me to be sad but i just cant help moment she was here and the next one she was gone and everything else in the world stayed the same its just me that lost my mother ....May god gave us the strength we need. until we meet again mom i will always love you!!!!!!!!

Hi Hector,

I know exactly how you feel. I cried reading your post. I lost my mom to uteran cancer on March 15, 2015. She was diagnosed on Feburary 10, 2105. I miss her so much. I have never experienced anything so painful in my life and to top it off I'm losing friends left and right. I've never felt so isolated and alone.

It is nice to know there are other people out there who understand how painful it is to lose your mother. How are you coping with everything?

Best wishes.

Oh man! First let me say I am very sorry for your loss. I understand exactly what you are saying. My Mom passed away last year, September 10. She was 84 and had dementia caused by a stroke.
I went through a horrible time and I still am. I still think to call her when I see something funny on TV. Or if I'm reminded in some way if one of our private jokes. My Mom had a great sense of humor; that is one if the things I miss most about her. She was my best friend. And someone I could always go to for advice.
My husband wasn't all that understanding with me and my grief. He's a good man and we've fixed things, mostly, with counseling.
One thing that has helped me to not be so angry, impatient, or moody is I started taking a mild ant-anxiety/antidepressant that was suggested by my counsellor. It really has helped. I still grieve for her-I always will. And I miss her everyday.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I want to be able to enjoy my life-kids, grand kids and husband. Friends and neighbors too. I know without a doubt that my Mom would want me to be happy, healthy, safe a nd content.
God bless you on your journey!!

I lost my mum when I was 12. She fell sick when I was 10 and it was too late for any treatment to be successful. She was my best friend, my rock, my world and I have never loved someone like I did love her. After her death my dad's family decided to move to another country. As an only child, I founded difficult to leave all my mum's family relatives behind, my friends, in a nutshell: my whole identity. Everything started to become really difficult, specially after my dad became a full blown alcoholic. My attachment with my aunty and grandma were not very positive due to their mean and not supportive behavior towards me. I felt like a burden, unloved and abandoned from the people I felt was my last hope of recovering normalcy in a new country. I didn't derail but became a very bad student after being the top of my class for 5 consecutive years. I lived in a haze for 10 years, I lived in denial as if everything was going ok with me when in truth I was holding all the pain and mourning I couldn't go through for fear of making my dad's alcoholism even worse. And then when I hit the 19th, all the crap started coming out like a big unstoppable flood of mixed feelings that ranged from anger, isolation, despair, hate towards my dad, my aunt, to my whole dysfunctional family. At this point my step mother started becoming very mean to me for not becoming a cleaning craze OCD like her (this was her way of dealing with my dad's alcoholism), in one of our fight she blurted out that my dad gave her hpv possibly what caused my mum's cervical cancer. I can't describe the hatred I felt, because I held my dad accountable for my mum's unhappiness previous her diagnose (he was a bit of a philanderer). All this on my shoulders, and I reached the point of **** it all. I left 3 careers half way through trying to commit with a guy that had many issues as well amount them, multiple girlfriends. I move to Us then UK to marry him, and haven't spent more than 12 years in a single country. UK is my fourth different country ( believing about unpredictability hey?) but I'm starting to mourn for the first time in 30 years and understanding my past better, althou I hate to remember the past is what it keeps me of understanding my present decisions and what I can curve in the future.... I still think of her. In two days is her anniversary

I took care of my mom for 5 years. She found a lump on her breast I tried getting into a doctor or the mammovan but failed at both. My mom had no insurance and was afraid of going in debt from doctor bills. Finally one day she called me to come get her from work she was so sick and she couldn't stand up. I took her to urgent care who then took her by ambulance to the hospital. She used to joke around and tell everyone she went in for the flu and came out boobless. My mom had been diagnosed with stage 3C breast cancer that was Sept 2010. The tumor was 8 in long so they also had to remove muscle as well. They removed 13 lymph nodes and 12 of them were cancerous.

I jumped on the train to her recovery. We went to every blood draw together, every chemo together, every radiation together, every doctor appt, other surgeries she had to go through, I was there with my kids the whole time. In Feb 2012 my mom wasn't feeling well again we went back to the oncologist and found out that the cancer had metastasized to the bone...we learned then there was no cure but she do treatments and take this medicine that would prolong death. After giving us a few minutes to talk about it my mom informed the doctor that she wouldn't be continuing with treatment she was looking for the quality of life not the quantity.

My mom lived in pain every day, as much as she tried to pretend she wasn't hurting I knew she was. I also knew she was trying to stay strong for me. You see my mom had 7 kids but her and I had this connection no one else had with her. I took care of my mom every day for 5 years. Without complaints without regret.

April 18, 2013 my mom was so dehydrated that she couldn't even swallow. Hospice came in and took her to "the hospice house" to rehydrate her. The following Thursday I came back to town and she was upset she wanted to go home. Friday morning hospice called me my mom was calling for me. I went to her side right away and one of my sisters flew in from Idaho to be with me . That night we sat on her bed watching Law and Order SVU our favorite show and she let out a laugh and said "girls night out." We said our good night's that night and the next morning she only responded to pain when we moved her. Sunday morning (April 28,2013) I woke up and went to her bed and held her hand she opened her eyes. I was the last person she saw she died later that afternoon.

I'm so lost without her. Sometimes I don't even know how to function. I felt so confused, so lost, so empty with her here. Some days I don't know how I'm going to get through this and other days I know I'm gonna be ok.

I still have no regrets though. I was with my mom from the beginning holding her hand telling her it's all gonna be ok up until the end holding her hand and telling her it's gonna be ok.

Hospice was so sweet sending me letters every few months telling me that I should be grieving this way and that way. I really felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn't feeling all these things like they said. I should be.

I'm glad I stumbled upon this site because it's good to know that there are people out there like me still struggling, still trying to make sense of it all, and still trying to cope.


honey, i'm still struggling and my mom has been gone since 1989. i have better days but i have periods, like right now, where it becomes unbearable to think that i no longer have her, how different life would be(probably better) if she were still here. it makes me sad to think of the things she didn't live to see like her second grandchild or that she didn't have more time with her second husband, a man that was a far better husband to her than my father was. she deserved to have a long, more peaceful life after she finally got rid of dad and what he put her through but it didn't work out that way, unfortunately.

Thanks Jerrica. I posted on here awhile ago and I forgot about it till I got an email that I had a response. Thank you because I needed some encouragement today.

I wish I could say the same about my dad or my stepdad both of them were horrible to my mom she deserved better than either of them.

I do agree life would be so much better if she was here still. She was my rock, my life, my best friend and it just really sucks!

Thanks for your support

you're welcome. we motherless children have to support each other :) i'm glad i found this story at this particular time. i had a disturbing dream about my mom the other day that made me feel very depressed, but reading these comments lets me know that i am not alone in my continuing struggle of grief.

I've seen my mom a few times in my dreams usually when I'm struggling with a decision. She pops in my head and it seems like all is calm and I know exactly what to do.

for me, there's no pressing decision to be made although the dream books suggest that as you did. what upset me the most about that dream is that it was the first dream in which i saw her dead. in my other dreams she is always alive and well. it took days for me to shake the funk it left me in.

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I have been going thorugh exactly the same situation in a way. My mother passed away and I get angry at everything. I can't get attached to anyone anymore and I hate it. She passed away 2 years ago almost of heart failure I was only 14 at the time. I went through depression and still am going through it. I just wanted to know why I cant get attached to anyone or why I get mad/angry at the littlest things.

My mom had Congestive Heart Failure, too. She passed away August 31, 2014 from a blood infection that turned into Endocarditis. She was not only my loving mom, but my best friend. I miss her so much that I can barely place one foot in front of the other each day. I've been going to a grief meeting in my area and it has helped me a little. It might help you, too. I lost my dad in 2008 and she helped me get through it.

I know you wrote this story in 2008 but I just lost my Mom to Cancer December 2013 and the crazy thing your story is my story too. I could actually hand this to someone and they would think it was I who wrote this about myself. I snap, I cry, and then I have to be strong for I have two younger sisters, I'm 39 they are 29 and 26. I guess I just want to feel better, I actually don't know what I want, besides my mom. It's the worst feeling ever and don't wish this on my worst enemy. Hope all is well or at least better. Thank you for sharing and I know I"m not alone with my crazy feelings and outburst.

I do the exact same. Do you know if there is a way I could go back to myself, a happy, hyper girl who never snapped at people or got angry at the most miniscule things.

Hello,my mum passed away this year on the 16 of January 2014.unfortunately for me she was taken when I wasn't around so Reading your post shows me that God was gracious enough towards you to let you see her take her last breath.I feel alone at times and even though I have all the support I need It doesn't help me feel as though I some how failed my mum.I'll admit that I did all that I could.visited her in hospital,spoke words of encouragement and did my best as a daughter towards her mother but after the death of my mum I feel as though everything I did was nothing.the pain,grief,sorrow I feel is beyond painful.I am thankful to god though that he has been gracious enough to give me a support system and friends who care.I know it will take time for me to heal but I guess that's what determines our strength at the end of the day.I can relate to every emotion you felt and trust me suicide was on my mind but I guess I have now realised that regardless of everything my mum was never mine to keep.she belonged to god and I know I do to so the best I can do is pray for god to give me strength and for him to forgive my mums sins.hole this helps you.may god bless you.

I lost my mother on 1/11/2014 and it has all been about burying my feelings and focusing on things I have to complete but I feel instead of being sad I feel I'm getting angry. I'm hating myself so much right now but everything is getting drowned in a pool of anger. How does this negative feeling go away?

My mother was murdered and I am trying to journal about how how it has affected me. I feel your pain in your everyday life but I know for me that my perception of my mother's death is a choice for me. I have a wonderful support group who helps me put things in perspective and lets me focus on myself and my choices. There is a group out there for you that can change your life and my hope for you is that you will find the right one. Being open to accepting support was the first big step for me. good luck

I lost my mother when I was 17. She was diagnosed with cancer in May 1992, she died in December 1992. I was already fighting with her all the time, because she was a person who couldn't let go of her children and I was in puberty. My parents put me out of the house in August 1992, and my school kicked me out of school in January 1993, so I basically had to deal with the grieving on my own. Not only did I lose my mother, I also lost my home, my school and my school friends. My entire world had been shredded to pieces, torn apart. As a reaction to this, I just wanted to numb the pain, so I started using drugs, mainly XTC, LSD and Marihuana, but also cocaine and speed occasionally. Basically anything I could get my hands on, not to feel the pain and reality. After about a year I totally crashed on LSD, got really scared and then tried to pick up the pieces of my broken life. I quit all drugs, went back to school, then to university and really did my best to "mend" my life. All the time I was feeling like a completely different person than before, I was negative, anxious, indecisive, whereas before I was positive, in control and looking forward to a successful life. I blamed it on all the drug taking. I was convinced that if I tried hard enough, eventually I would be able to return to the life and feelings I had before my mother had died. But no matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to be able to make it. I continuously kept being anxious about how to get my life back and about other people and had the idea nobody really liked me and that in any situation I was in, I would be kicked out or fired at some point anyway. I blamed my mother, my old school for giving me this outlook on life and I blamed myself for not being able to function normally so people would accept me. I always kept trying to achieve something, to make something and myself worthwhile enough to achieve some level of permanency. To restore the permanency I experienced when my mother was still alive. At the same time I got really clingy to situations (work, friends, study etc.) and really resentful towards these things also for not being able to give me the permanence and restoration that I was looking for. This mindset lasted for years and years. I continually felt abandoned and was scared I would be doing something wrong so I would be abandoned or upset because I was sure others would be abandoning me! And I had even a reluctance to commit to things, because I was sure I would be abandoned anyway! Then at some point I did come to a realisation about the whole issue, and I think, reading all these stories here, you might be able to relate to this as well. What I found is that my experience was actually no different from the experiences I am reading here. It wasn't my mother's fault for kicking me out, and even if it was, she did her best as a person, and I realised this is the case for everyone in this world. We logically are inclined to blame others or ourselves for things that happened to us, because it gives us a sense of control. If it was my or someone else's fault, then we might be able to reverse it. But the fact is, we are innocent and so are other people, thrown in this world, subject to a set of circumstances, that they had no part in choosing. So if it wasn't my fault, or my mother's fault, or my teacher's, there was only one thing left, the raw pain of having lost my mother, my home, my school, my friends, mainly my mother. Not anyone's fault, not their's, not mine. So I found out I was just being confronted with the impermanence of life, not as a concept, but as a smack in your face, indescribably painful fact of life. And after that, simply nothing for me would ever have been the same again, whether I had taken drugs or not, went back to school or not, go meditate or not or sit upside down for that matter. I blamed the drugs for my insecurity about life, but I can see more clearly now, it was just this immense loss that had changed everything. After this experience, the realisation that anything can just stop existing, die or change just like that. How can you ever, after such an experience, be able to trust again, to get attached fully again as you did before you found out permanence was just an illusion. And for me this goes for relationships, jobs, places to live etc. I doubt the permanence of everything, because I found out firsthand that nothing is here to last. Even my mother, the one who put me on this planet, who was my rock I leaned on, didn't last. How could anything else? And this is the dilemma I am faced with. Living and surviving in a society that is built on (the illusion) of permanency, getting a permanent job, getting married, a mortgage, building a career, saving for your pension etc., while I have been woken up to the fact that nothing is permanent in the harshest way imaginable. No wonder I am confused, negative and frustrated. This is a very hard and unsatisfying position to be in! All of life's and society's promises are ba<x>sed on the illusion of permanence and I don't believe in that anymore. I have been conned! It was so much better being conned and not know about it! But now I know! So what to do? My guess is, life will never be the same again, I will never get back to the life and the beliefs about life before my mother died, I will never belief in this illusion again, so better would be to embrace my new found reality, knowing that everything is impermanent, and make the best of it. It doesn't have to be all negative, it also offers huge positive sides, maybe it won't be the life I hoped for, the one I pictured, but there is a tremendous freedom in it. It offers a tremendous flexibility in life. I can take or leave anything, I don't have to put any weight on things anymore. Because I know it won't last, so I won't have to invest in things I am not interested in, because there is nothing to gain. Real freedom.

OMG I cannot believe how much my experience relates to yours..the fact is, I DONT believe in permanence too…lost my mom when I was 16, and ever since then, nothing seems permanent…and that has defined my experience in EVERYTHING…its as if there is a clock ticking somewhere and I have to cram everything I want to do, in as small of a timeframe as possible. And yes, I can relate to your frustration about society's obsession about permanence…it feels alien and rather isolating, as if the world out there is functioning at a different plane of existence..on the positive side, I HAVE lived my life fiercely..with more zest than anyone i know (people have said this about me)…because of that freedom you had mentioned…the boudaries that pertain to others do not seem to pertain to me, and I feel much more flexible to explore everything and anything beyond my traditional confines…it led me to uproot myself and emigrate to this country on my own, started a life here, family, schooling, career..way beyond what I would have done if I had a mother…ironic, isn't it?

I have lost both of parents, all in a year and 13 days at different times. I lost my dad on June 25th, 2005. He was preparing to come home to see his family for the weekend and was murdered Friday night. He was attacked in his house and shot to death. I had just turned 15 and I spoke to him on the phone 24 hours before he was killed and I was so excited for him to come home. The news was heartbreaking for my family (mom, sister and I). My mom was never happy and I wish I could do something to cheer her up. At that age, I knew I lost a dad but I never really understood what it meant. I had mom, so I was thankful for that.

6 months after my dad's death, my mom got ill. She was diagnosed of pancreatic cancer and they performed surgery on her. The doctors found out that she couldn't be healed and she came home and about 4 months and a couple of days later, she passed on. I never knew what was going because I was in a boarding school and no one will tell me.

I schooled 15 hours from our town and students couldn't leave for home till it was an emergency. My mom died, was burried, they had a funeral and no one told me. I was writing exams then and they thought it was best for me to concentrate on my exams and school because that was what my mom wanted. I found out during the semester vacation and for 7 years now, I still feel the pain like yesterday.

My mom became my best friend after my dad died and I promised to take care of her and my sister. I got so close and attached to her and loved her so much. I loved her more than anything else in the world and all of a sudden she died too. We didn't even get the chance to mourn our dad and a year later my mom followed.

Everything changed since then, people changes, absolutely everything. I am constantly depressed. I droped from a frequent 80 to 100% in my courses to as low as 40%. I couldn't concentrate in school or in anything at all. I lost my self esteem, confidence and I had no one to talk to but my grandmother. My sister was still young and didn't understand fully what was going on.

Now I am 23 years old and graduated from the university this year, and it has been 8 and 7 years separately and I miss them every second, especially my mom. My aunties and uncles are the worst and they treat my sister and I very badly. They keep reminding us that we are not their kids and they do not care about us at all. My grandma is the only one who cares and we are so close and attached to her the same way she is to us. She recently had a stroke and if she dies I don't know what my sister and I will do.

My life has changed so much and never in a million years did I ever think I will loose both parents and become an orphan. I have been affected in so many ways such as;

I have never had a boyfriend and I always feel like if I don't make it life, then my sister and I screwed. We don't have a home to go to. We don't have family. I wish I had a family and a home so badly. We stay with our grandma occasionally and our uncles stay there too which makes it very very very unpleasant.

I have lost my self esteem and confidence, I cannot concentrate, I started performing badly in school, I do not trust people, I feel like no one loves me, I continually think life is worthless, I can never smile or be really happy without thinking about my parents, I easily get emotional and angry eventhough I do not speak up, I feel very very lonely, I hate the feeling of having one and I get very scared each time I realize how sad I really am.

I have grown very close to my sister and I work hard each day in other to be able to support her, my grandma and myself.

I put on a very brave face around people and most of my friends have no idea that I am an orphan. I hate being that and I do not like it when people feel pitty for me, it makes me weak and all I strive to be is stronger.

Writing this out is helping me a bit, I am crying and letting all my feelings out. Thank you for reading.

i was going through a few blogs ... and i chanced upon this .. "One of my most favourite quotes was said by (here’s a shocker) Viktor Frankl: “Even the most negative aspects of human existence, such as guilt, suffering, and death, can be viewed positively, given the right attitude.” " ... wanting to be a better person in life is the best attitude you can have .. Keep yourself healthy and calm first .. you will definitely find a way for your sister , your grandma and yourself .. think positive even if all the circumstances point in the oppsite direction .. i hope this helps ..

I lost my mom May 4, 2013 in a car accident :( in which my best friend and I was in as well, a white jeep came out of nowhere. My best friend and I were also in the wreck. I find myself angry, withdrawn, never seeing the good in anyone anymore, In fact I feel as if part of me died with my mom. I find myself hating the people I used to dislike,( I know that sounds horrible)! :( I truly don't like this person I've become!!! I used to be Happy Go Lucky like you, I ask myself why am I like this? I've lost all interest in things I used to love to do, In fact Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I could care less I just want them to over already. I feel lost, scared, unsure of anything. My husband has been understanding and supportive, but I find myself taking stupid stuff out on him. I know my mom is in the arms of Jesus, but it's hard for me to bare?

I lost my mother March 2 2012 to cancer. She was only 54 when she died and I was 24 when she died and had a 3 month old son. My mother found out she had cancer February 10th and everything happen so quick.I never thought in a million years this would have happen. My mother was the center of our family and now its just me my dad and son. I have two older brothers but they have wives and families of their own. My mother was my everythng besides my son. After she died I felt like a piece of my family died. And I get so upset when I see other people out with there moms and I cant do that with mines. Holidays my son and I just stay home because we have nowhere else to go. I feel lonely all the time. I am mean to my dad because he was mean to my mom and I feel like he should be the one gone and not her. Everything changed when she died and I really dont see it changing anytime soon.

"After she died I felt like a piece of my family died. And I get so upset when I see other people out with there moms and I cant do that with mines." <--You are not alone I am jealous of people who still have their mom and I don't. I have friends that want me to come hang out with them and their mom, ya know coffee and talk around the table and I find every excuse not to, because I am mad, I can't do that. I want my mom not theirs. Please again, know you are not alone in your feelings.

i have found myself very envious of those that still have their mothers also. i don't like feeling that way but it is what it is. i've had a couple friends that lost their moms in the last few years, the mothers were older women, and i wish that i'd had mine as long as they had theirs instead of losing mine a month before her fifty second birthday. i feel cheated and that makes me feel bitter.

i have to admit that i wished i'd lost my dad instead of mom in 1989. i didn't have the close relationship with him and my life wouldn't have been so affected by his passing. he did die 3 years ago at age 78; i wish mom could have lived equally as long.

I too have lost my mother 10/4/2013 she fell at her home, and in her recovery,suffered a strok the strok did so much damage she could no bear it and I watched her decline over the course of 8 weeks she finally gave up . I was there when she took her last breath, as I did with my dad 9 years Prior now I find myself being angry at family members. Because I have had to shoulder that Bearden and they did not ,I feel like they deserted her and me, also I find myself angry at my husbands family also at my mom's memorial, not one of them bothered to make an appearance, I've been in the family for over 30 years you would think that they would have took an hour out of there busy life's to pay a little respect ,I have done this for all of them at one time or another, I guess I see were I stand ,but I hate feeling this angry tword any one and I don't know how to stop it I try to hold it down but it keeps boiling up I don't know how long before I explode,then no one will like me when I'm done

I just feel empty now. Its like part of me died with her. Theres nobody to tell me "its going to be OK" or "I love you daughter" or "Im proud of you".....Its even more painful because my evil father kept us apart for most of my life. He told her horrible lies about me and would not allow her to contact me.....I only was able to be with her from 1/2011 till she dies 9/ dad walked out on her, abandoned her for a 29 year old. Mom was 81. She was devastated. I think back on those days and even though my dad caused us both horrible pain, in the end I was able to "clear my name" and know my Mom REALLY loved me. I feel so cheated and angry over all the years, ****, DECADES that dad kept us apart. Bastard.

My mom died this last 6-17-13. I had just been to see her two months prior and I thought, "gee, she is doing so well." She was in assisted care by choice and had no major medical problems, at 93 I thought she would make it to 100. Then the call came and I was stunned, in a week the funeral, then 3 months later her house was sold. I didnt feel the effect until now, 3 months later and it puts me into a kind of fog. We had a good relationship but also problems but mostly I remember the good. Lately I have gotten more unhappy. I have had my own problems but mostly I am an upbeat person. I can harely handle anything. Ive had breast cancer and all that goes with it but that was 12 years ago. Basically I am ok but the loss of my mom has been much harder than I could have imagined.

I lost my mom Nov 19, 2011 to cancer. My dad pasted 8 months prior. My mom was my back up. If I ever needed anything she was there. She had a way of making things seem better. She was a Godly woman and she would always have a prayer for anyone needing it.
Since my mom died my husband has said I've changed. I'm not the person I use to be. I always had fun no matter where I was or who I was with. I tried to see the good in every situation but now I'm just bitter and angry at times. How do I get back to my old self or at least some of what I use to be? Will it ever get better?? My husband is doing his best but I know it's putting a strain on our marriage. I feel like I'm running out of time, like if I don't hurry up and get back to where I was my life and marriage will be over before I know it.

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this page and could read (and relate) to everyone's openness regarding loss. For so long I felt like I was the only one that turned "awful" after the loss of my mom. I wondered what was wrong with me and why I couldn't move on and cope after all these years like everyone else seemingly manages to do. But I'm relieved to hear that there are others out there like myself who found themselves a completely different person. Once a happy, easy going, free, optimistic, strong individual and then after the loss, a 180, bitter, often angry, frustrated, pessimist. I also have a hard time with guilt and what ifs constantly. I wish I could find my former self and stop dwelling in this negative place I exist in now. Outwardly I try to appear "normal" but I worry that because of being in this dark place for so long people can see through the facade and the darkness seeps out. I don't want this, I just don't know how to change it. I was in denial so long and now I'm just stuck. It's been 5 years and I'm terrified of what will happen if I stay in this place any longer. My mom was my confidant, counselor, friend, and biggest fan. She believed in me, so why can't I now? She was light and happy and brought everyone together. And when life is tough, she is all I want to lean on for help. I wish I could hear her voice or visit with her in my dreams. People often ask "what would your mom want/say/think/feel?" But this frustrates me more because I feel I've lost that too. So I make up what they want to hear since "I don't know anymore for sure of anything" doesn't seem like a plausible response to them...

I lost my Mom April 2, 2011. Its been 2 years. I have all the anger and sadness you talk about also. I am starting to see a counselor again because Im having a difficult time with life somedays. I have 3 boys that keep my very busy, and thats probably a good thing. Im a very spiritual person so I always look for sudden hidden things to keep me going, like a loose penny or coin, or sounds coming from my room.....anything that will help me know she is around me watching over me. I talk to God everyday. I tell him I miss her so much please tell her. But I also try to keep going like she would want me too. She passed away quickly from a massive heart attack, no signs of anything. I was in shock and still am really. Im worried it has had such a impact on my life that im a bitter person now. My marriage is hanging on by strings. My husband is still with me because we have children together. He doesnt believe in putting the kids thru a divorce. We both have strong feelings about raining them in one house. Our kids are #1 priority. I just wish I could be happy again, I have lost my personality. I cry alot when no ones around. Maybe one day I will not be so depressed.

I lost my mother three weeks ago, we expected it and tried to brace ourselves after her long decline at >80 years old. There was plenty of time to tell her all the things that you want to tell your mother. But the permanency of the loss cuts deep. As a hopeful person, I thought that if she would just start eating again she could become stronger. But now she is gone.

I've not cried much but at the worst times. I'm afraid of going into an out of control crying jag. All of the sudden I find myself engaging in anger outbursts, eruptions. It's unnerving for those around me and it feels like I'm indulging myself so I feel terribly guilty afterward.

Anger is a stage of grief, but I did not expect it to be this strong.

I lost my mother april 15th 2012 at 6:40pm, and the pain is excruciating I live with my dad (they were married for 40years) and my brother but I feel really alone. my mum wasn't just my parent but my best friend and sister at the same time. im 26 and feel I wont be happy again, im single, no children and just not interested in having relationships because my mum isn't here to share things with. I feel angry sad hurt peeved off and fed up all the time. I loathe the word cancer, I get jelous when people get the all clear and all I want to do is spend time at our family home doing nothing, but just being here. I was mid way through my degree whne I lost her, also had a part time job... I carried on with both after taking some time off, this helped and I believe If it wasn't from talking and seeking support from friends fmily and work colleagues I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I though I was alone feeling like this because its nearly been a year, and now I realise that I am not alone and that the pain and hurt I feel is because I loved her, homered her worshiped her nd believe she was stolen from me too soon. My mother was a strong women and fought for her life for 2 years because of cancer, but lost the battle and I don't want her back ill and in pain, and being unable to get comfortable but I do miss her and would only take her back in full health it wasn't fair seeing her uncomfortable. Im still annoyed upset and angry about everything Im not over it I just learn how to best cope with the days I feel the lowest.. usually by looking at pictures, visiting her sister or watching harry potter as I feel the closest to her when I do this. Love you mam and will forever x

I lost my mom on april 15th 2012. I was 4 months pregnant when I lost her to a heart attack. I havnt been the same since. I'm hateful,bitter,sad,mad and pissy. I feel so bad for my husband. I'm mean to him for no reason. He's a great dad and hubby. Idk what to do. No insurance to go to the dr to get the help I need. I just really want my mom back.

Danny I feel the exact same way as I mentioned above, thoughts are with you on april 15th xx

I lost my mom on the 16th. She had cancer for 26 years. But she was so strong the whole time. She went for a very long time with it not growing. Then last year, we found out the tumors in her lungs were growing again. In the summer she tried chemo but it was unsuccessful. When it got really bad after going off the chemo I tried to be with her almost everyday. The night before she died, she was in the bath. She couldn't get out, as she had lost so much weight and had become so weak. She tried grabbing on to me to pull herself up. But I told her she could do it; she didn't need to pull on me. Eventually she was able to get out of the tub. It was the same thing later when she was on the toilet. The next day, I made her an egg. She said she felt helpless. I told her she wasn't helpless but that eating the egg would make her strong and she could do it. Just a short while later she had a stroke and went into a coma. She died with my whole family surrounding her just a few hours later. We all held her in our arms as we encouraged her to move on. I am 22 years old. I feel like I lost my entire adulthood; that nothing will ever be the same. My parents are divorced and I was always the closest with my mom. I feel such intense guilt that I wasn't physically strong enough to get her out of the bath or the toilet. I know that this isn't true but I feel like if I had just been stronger and taken her out of the bath, she would have been fine. That she wouldn't have died. I feel so lost without her. Like I'll never be happy again.

I am going through the same, but I'm not even an adult yet. My mother passed away June of last year, and I miss her so much. There are things too that I wish I said to her, like tell her I loved her before she died. Now, once in awhile, I feel like my mother never knew how much I loved her. But, somewhere, somehow, now, I know she does. And she loves me just the same. Your mother loves you so much too, just remember that.
I send you much sympathy...

I am going through the same thing. My mom passed away suddenly in Oct 2011 due to a heart attack. She was my best friend, I can't seem to get over it...I get angry, but I know I need to move on but nothing makes me happy. I'm 50 years old, have no kids but I do have brothers and sisters that I am close with. My mom was my life... I will find my way, I am hoping. Thank you everyone for sharing there feelings, it helps.


I am going through the same phase right now. I just lost my beloved mother couple of days ago. It was so sudden that I could not even understand what happened to her . I just met her the day before she died. She was sick but I could never have imagined that she could die. I can never forgive myself for not being there and being able to help her. She could have survived. Now I feel like dying but I have family a child and my father . Need help

I lost my mother on January 3, 2013. She was only 48 when she passed. She battled stage 4 colon cancer for 6 years. I am 28 now. I was lucky enough to have her at my wedding in 2011, but am now having a hard time because I'm a couple months pregnant. I am angry because I never imagined myself going through this without my mom. She was my best friend. My emotions are crazy now because of the pregnancy, so the anger or sadness I feel is magnified 100%. I am having a hard time getting on with my life...

i found out i was pregnant a few months after my mom passed and i wondered if i even wanted to be a mother without her here so i can understand what you mean. sadly, i had a miscarriage at 8 weeks along. yet another loss.

my mom was 36 when she passes of cancer thats when i was 10 im 14 now and i still miss her so much i used to be happy and funny before but now im mean and rude to others without meaning it and i hate it also i dont want to be like this anymore but i dont know how to change it :/ im slways so sad and find myself crying its hard so hard without her :'(

I have lost my mother at 19 yrs old . I am now 23 and married.Ifeel the same way.I'm always mean and evil..I don't know how to fix it. My husband is now leaving me..

I lost my mother in Sept. due to an anoxic brain injury she sustained while in the hospital . She was only 55. We also did not have a perfect relationship but we lived together & she was my rock. I'm a single mother of 4 & her death has affected me in ways that I could've never imagined. It all feels like a nightmare of sorts... I wake up crying in disbelief& I have never felt such heartache . My divorce was final right after her death& my oldest child moved away to live with his father 700 miles away. My mother would be so disappointed in me & I know it. It feels like my world is falling apart around me& it's uncontrollable. I lost my new job due to lack of childcare... & have a 13,000.00 funeral to pay for because the life insurance did not cover the expenses. I keep praying that God will give me peace but I'm realizing how strong of a person my mother was & wish that I could be half of the woman that she was. I feel like I'm on a never ending pitty pot & just really want to be happy again but it's not happening. I want to be stronger but everywhere I turn there's a constant reminder that she's nolonger with us. I'm also having nightmares about her death... I'm 37 years old. Shouldn't I have it together ?! I'm angry, sad, frustrated... Constantly wondering why this happened to her. I just want to be @ peace with her death. I'm not myself @ all. I'm bitter , rude, hateful... Always negative lately.

Please do not get frustrated just think of your mother and try to be like her. Try to visualize how good she was and follow her footsteps. Everything else will come in place.

I have found myself relating to you... I have been putting on a smile for the sake of my step dad, but after being here with him for two weeks trying to make sure he is all settled, (mom took care of all the bills, insurance and such so I found myself having to do that for him now that she is gone) but now I am just so scared and pissed.... Friends and my husband are great, but my brother and sister did not come when I told them she was dying, they did not come after she passed and they did not come to her memorial service. I went from having a mother, sister, brother, step-father and husband to now just having step-father and husband. My sister is only interested in Mom's jewelry and my brother didn't want to take time off from work... My world has crashed in the period of a month and I see no way out of this nightmare.

My mother died 6 years ago also. Not from cancer but complications to Guillan Barre syndrome. I find that since she's died I am so angry and bitter about everything. I use to be such a happy person, always laughing and singing and finding the good in people. Now I am bitter and nasty, I pick fights with my husband just because. Our relationship has suffered greatly because of this. I also have a 1 year old daughter. I feel like things may have gotten worse since she was born, I am angrier now because there are so many thing I need her for, some many things I feel that I was cheated out of and I can't seem to get past it. I'm afraid if I don't figure out how to let go of the anger soon I will lose my husband and my daughter... I don't want to be sad or angry anymore, I don't want to cry anymore... I don't want to be with person anymore.

My mother died july 31st of copd.she has 6 children which she raised on her own with not even the littlest 2004 we were placed in foster care and for 3 years she rode miles on a bike for an hour of visitation with us every other week.we finally came home to her in 2006.shortly after that my mother was placed on 24 hour oxygen and started to go downhill.she was in and out of the hospital on life support from 2010 till her passing.the days leading to her death she was awake on lifesupport she was trying to tell me something but she couldnt verbally speak just with her lips.there are so many things I wish I could have said or done.i miss my mother,her voice,her laugh,her smile,HER! I stayed with her as she struggled to breathe and as she took her last breathe until the very moment her heart stopped beating.i am 19 with 2 younger siblings and I am lost and scared without mama.

To all who have replied to my post,<br />
It does get a little better, but life is never quite the same. My mom will be gone 10 years next month and I still miss her like crazy. Most days are okay now with only a depressed period every so often, but sometimes they are strong enough when they hit to bring me to my knees. The mood changes and anger issues have improved slightly, but still nowhere near back to normal. Since losing my mom, I have lost a brother, a brother-in-law, a mother-in-law, two cousins, 3 aunts, a great nephew and several other friends. Each one has hurt me in a different way, but I have to say my mom is still the hardest. I do find comfort in prayer and in knowing that she is with God, as are my other loved ones. It took a while to get to this stage though. I went through many stages, anger being the strongest, I think, but now am in the acceptance phase and for the first time in a long time, feel that I will be okay. I have done a lot of self therapy, scrapbooking, doing things my mom enjoyed, reading my Bible, and many other things. My Bible reading, along with prayer, helped the most. I do have to get back on track with my health, as I have let it go since her death, gaining 40+ pounds. This has led to numerous problems, cholesterol, triglycerides, sugar and more. I don't handle stress well now either and not sure how to change that. I will pray for all of you and if anyone wishes to contact me privately, my email is

Wow. I searched "sudden death of my mother", and found your post. I lost my mom on June 26th. I am so angry, so bitter. Like lori60582, I am so angry at people who have their parents. At anyone who's enjoying their lives because I'm not. I woke up on Saturday thinking, "I can't believe my mom is still dead." Who thinks this way? I want my mom back. I want my life back. I want to be happy again.

You have made me cry as i have gone through the same experience. I was once a non bitter, loving ec person and now find myself in a very different world to which im used to. My mother died suddenly of a heart a attack at the tender age of 49, leaving myself at the time 30, brother of 23 and a brother of only 11. I took on the role of mother to them and took care of my step dad, baring in mind i had 2 boys of myself. I have gone on to have a girl who is now 6 but find i fear the worse with things to happen to her, so scared of losing another it makes me feel ill. Im now 38 and my boys are 17, 15 and my girl as i said before is 6, ive moved into my mothers old house and did find it hard but easier now. I miss her but am angry at her, we were both very similar, loved to entertain and looking at our best. Im so pissed off shes gone when all she ever did was care for others, she was a nurse. I cant seem to move on and im always angry, aggressive, mean, rude and dam right horrible, not to mention the paranora!! Just want this pain to go and i feel shes missing out on both my brothers growing up especially the 19 year old. There are also answers to my child hood that i wont mention here. My real dad and i ant close either. I sometimes feel like leaving my husband and finding another family to replace the oneive lose, im not that close to his and neither is he. I often wonder what my life would be if she still was here, nothing like this im sure. Im so glad i read your article, i thought i was alone. Michelle xxx

I didnt mention that she was the one who made all the family get togethers complete, if it hadnt beeb for her then there would be no family. She reminded me of princess diana, a stunner with a heart of gold, the one you would never forget and remember her for the rest of your life. I miss you mum so much and just want what the rest of my friends have. she loved life and still should be here living it. sometimes feel guilty for being happy, like if shes was here i wouldnt be, hard to explain. I feel so alone most of time even though i have my kids around me. Im also scared that im gona die of a heart attack to. She was the youngest of 4 and the 1st to go, how fare is that!!!! Theres been no report of any heart conditions in the family so what the hell!!! I feel for you all from the bottom of my heart and wish one day we all can move on.

Sorry to keep adding to this story but things come flooding back. I lost my step mum a year ago also the age of 49 but shared the same birthday as my mum 14/08, i think my real dad as never come to terms with it as he loved my real mum so much. When he lost his 2nd wife, same age and birthday its very strange and i find it very hard to deal with that.

I would like to slap cancer in the face. There. I said it. My mother didn't deserve her struggle. She was a wonderful woman. My heart goes out to you. Everyday I think about her. She was taken from us only a few months ago. She was always such a positive person and I'm trying to concentrate on whatever silver lining I can find... she would've wanted me to find the silver lining and mother knows best... even if I've doubted it for too many years. Love and hugs. You are not alone!

Thank you for that! Prayers going up for you.

I can walk hand and hand with you. I hear you loud and clear and I do so very much understand everything that you have gone through with and still dealing with. It has been 13 years for me since the love of my life my mother(grandmother)died. And five since I had a complete hysterectomy and no I cannot take anything either, and there are times I think I am losing my mind. Between the hot flashes and my emotions I do not know what to do, but you do have someone to give you that support that is needed.

Please talk to me, your story is just like MINE!

Email me privately at if you want to talk.

I lost my mother on my 21st birthday, May 26th, 2012. My life had drastically changed in a bl<x>ink of an eye. It sounds cliche but my mother was my EVERYTHING. She was both my mother and my father as he was never in the picture. After she passed away, everything has been extremely hard for me. I no longer have a home and lived with my mom and my brother in an apartment. After she was gone, my brother decided to move out of that apartment and into a small studio. He has a lot of issues of his own and I can't live with him. I'm now staying at my friend's house until I can get myself together. I know I must work in order to move out on my own but everything is just TOO hard on me right now. Seems like this struggle just gets harder day by day. <br />
I wish my mom was still here with me, as I'm lost without her... <br />
Send me your email if you would like to talk, this is greatly affecting me and I need someone who understands. Thank you all. Gob bless.

My mother was 38 years old when I was born. I am now almost 59 years old. My mother died at age 94 in a nursing home one month shy of 95 years old on May 5, 2010. My mother loved me unconditionally all my life. She had a son who was almost 19 when I was born. He passed away in August of 1990 at age 55. I was 36 when my brother died. Because of our hugh age difference, the fact that he lived in CA and I lived in MD most of my like I never got to know him very well. I felt bad about that, especially since he was only 55 when he passed away.<br />
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I was basically raised as an only child. My father died at age 69 in 1980 when I was 27. My mother outlived my father by 30 years. I wasn't close to my dad because he was verbally abusive to both my mother and me. I left home at age 21 when I got married. My father died 2 months before I separated from my husband.<br />
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I had lots of ups and downs with my mother especially beginning from the time I turned about 10. She always wanted to leave him but had no job skills so it never happened. Because of the dysfunctional marriage they had, I became dysfunctional in my interpersonal relationships with others. I took a lot out on my mother because I was angry that she was so passive, I being the opposite, and put up with my father's abusive and sometimes frightening personality. 7 years before he died, at age 62, my mother took very good care of him when he had a bad stroke and lived with her at home . I was 19 when this happened and left home 2 years later. I married for the wrong reasons -- I just needed to get out of that environment. My marriage only lasted 6 years because I was too young, too immature, and acting out alot. I wanted out although my husband was a very nice and emotionally mature man who was 6 years older than me<br />
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Now after I have survived 3 heart attacks (from my father's side of the family), a bad eye disease and a breast cancer survivor for 4 years, I am finally enjoying my life, and beginning to feel happy in spite of my health issues including obesity for the past 22 years, prior to that I was weight and height proportionate ( 22 years ago I became a compulsive overeager because I gave up from failed friendships and love relationships with various men. I am bone-on-bone in both knees that needs to be replaced and some mild depression problems. I see all my doctors regularly and am on a anti-depressant which has helped me tremendously with my coping skills.<br />
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Nine years prior to my mother's death, I became her caregiver and POA. She went into assisted living for 7 years and the final 2 years of her life, lived in a good nursing home. I was totally responsible for her care with no support (emotional or financial) from my one remaining aunt by marriage (my mother's brother's wife). She is also mean and extremely verbally abusive to me and has been for as long as I can remember. I cut off my contact with this Aunt years before my mother's death. My mother understood that and respected my decision. My mother was visited by her until her death This aunt has 5 grown children and only 1 of them ever visited her in her latter years. My mother and my dear aunt Leona (her sister) were the greatest people in my family. Unfortunately, since my mother was the youngest of 6, most of my aunts and uncles died when I was still in my 30s and early 40s and most of them lived far away,. As for my 1st cousins (32 in all) they are mostly much older than me by 16 + years so I really never bonded with them. So, virtually I have no family contact and they aren't interested because I have tried to establish relationships with them on and off in my adult life and finally gave up. I was tired of being rejected by my own family.<br />
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I miss mom every day and love and loved her very much. I keep beating myself up because I too could be very nasty to her at times through the years. I finally got into therapy about 4 years ago, right after I retired and now am a good person, very much like my mother and not like my father nd am beginning to develop good friendships with positive people (not dysfunctional people)<br />
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The worst thing for me is all my aunts and uncles presided her in death and am not close to any of my 1st cousins. Only my close friends and acquaintances attended her grave-side funeral 2 years ago. <br />
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Lastly, when mom got very old, in the nursing home I would cry to her about how guilty I felt about how understanding and patient she had always been with me, since I always felt I was a bad daughter. It wasn't her fault that my childhood was so bad but I took it out on her You see, because she was in therapy for many YEARS THROUGHOUT HER BAD MARRIAGE, SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD MY ANGER BUT UNTIL I FINALLY GOT INTO INTENSE THERAPY, I JUST ALWAYS FELT LIKE A OUTCAST EVEN THOUGHT I WAS VERY ATTRACTIVE BUT ALWAYS HAD VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM. My mom thought that I grew up to be a wonderful, extremely self-sufficient human being. I worked for 35 years on a modest secretary's salary for the federal govt, just living paycheck to paycheck but I never complained and always lived in my means. She was very proud of me.<br />
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I'm grieving each day for all the lost years with my mom, who was always my best friend. IT JUST TOOK ME 56 YEARS TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT.<br />
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I would appreciate comments. God Bless. Susan W.

I lost my mum 10 years ago when I was 17 she was like there one min then 3 days later we were saying goodbye to her in icu, she was the key in our family the person everyone turned to the person who made everything fun everything ok, I was the life and soul of a party I made everyone laugh I was loving, caring easy go lucky, my my how that changed<br />
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I went into my own bubble I honestly cannot remember my mums funeral nor the build up to it I just remembered that I kept telling myself she wasnt dead, My mum was a single parent raising me then 17 my brother 14 and my sister 21<br />
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she was my best friend, my mum, my dad, my everything so when she passed I felt completely lost and scared I tried my best to raise my 14 year old brother but I just could not cope, I completly went of the rails I never smilled I was angry all the time I turned to alcohol to ease my pain ended up in hospital nearly every other weekend, I would look for arguments and fights. I was falling apart. Instead of that loving happy funny girl i once was before my mum died.... I was replaced with a wreck. My family were so scared for my insted of making them smile I made them cry..<br />
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I never once cried never spoke of her and if anyone did I would go crazy. sounds mad.<br />
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Then a few years ago something happened and thats when I thought to myself what am I doing that was when I finally told myself she was gone and I just broke down I cried a river this was about 4 or 5 years after she had died, I had to go to counciling for over a year just to get some normality back in my life.<br />
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Now I can talk about her, I still have my down days but there are more good then bad I know I will never be that happy go lucky girl again. I am the life and soul of a party again I am happy with my life, Im just heart broken that my mum will never be a part of my life again, I suppose I kinda told myself I can let this loss consume my life and die with my mum, or say i will see my mum again but for now i need to live for her.<br />
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We all deal with our losses in different ways but the ways in which we grieve does effect those around us more then we will ever know. I was so wrapped up in my grief of losing my mother I forgot that my nan lost a daughter, my uncles and aunts lost a sister, my cousins lost an auntie and my brother and sister had lost there mum too... that we all had lost our key to our family..... not just me. <br />
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Things will get better, Just talk about her when you want to, cry when you want to, laugh at the good times, share memorys. dont bottle anything up if you need to talk just talk<br />
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thinking of you all and sending all my prayers

Hello, I lost my mom 2 1/2 years ago, I was 50 when she died. People say to me, well she lived a good long life, as if that means I should be able to accept it and go on easier. It isn't that way. My Mom and I were very very close and she was my world! I find myself fearing death, thinking that my time is coming soon, and I don;t want to leave my kids yet. I run to the doctor for every little thing and imagine the worst all the time. It is to the point now where I cannot take my Blood Pressure without it going sky high and I do not have high blood pressure. I know I don't, but since my mom has gone I find I can't seem to cope with life. <br />
I don't want to get up in the mornings and I get angry easily and I always have negative thoughts all the time. I never used to be like this. I don;t know how it will ever get better, does it get better?? Is this taking too long to get better for me and is this normal??? I have 2 sisters and we are not close at all. My older sister doesn't talk to me, she never liked me as she thought I was Moms favourite and she has always excluded me from her life. My other sister lost her 24 year old son in a car accident and since then she has never wanted anything to do with anyone, including me. So I only have my adult children and my youngest who is 11 at home and my Husband. I am thankful to have them but no matter how hard I try to force good positive thoughts it doesn't seem to help. I do believe in God, but I am more scared of Him being upset with me than finding rest in Him. How terrible for those others on this blog who had lost their mothers at a younger age than me, as terrible as that is, I do believe that age is not a factor. Your mother is your mother and everyone needs their mothers whether they think they do or not. Loosing a mother at any age is traumatic I think. I was with her when she died and I can't get the thoughts of that moment out of my head. I see the life leaving her beautiful green eyes every morning when I wake up and I can't get that memory out of my head. I think of her all day. Will this ever end??????

I came across your blog just now, and am in amazement of our simularities..<br />
I just turned 49, and mom died 1 1/2 ago. I had thought maybe I was starting to lose my mind..I too, have been cynical feeling, depressed, and feels as though this past year has been a complete fog. I ususally felt in control of everything until we lossed "Mama".. I am just now able to see what has happened to me, and can kind of "see the light "a little more..I am shocked at what I felt, what I went through, and how i really do not remember much of last year at all. I could not even muster the strength emotionally, or pysically, to tend to the "Thank-you " notes..That is NOT like me at all...I still have very very bad days, but find I am smiling once in awhile.

So sorry to hear of your loss and heartache. I really don't think that anyone who still has their mother could possibly understand the full weight of the loss that we feel. I still have days when I seem to cry a lot, but it has gotten much better. I can look at some of her things that I have and smile at the memories it invokes. I am able to talk about her with my granddaughter and give her insight to the kind of woman that her great grandmother was. They never got to meet, but I know that my Mom is smiling down from Heaven and keeping watch over her.
I am still struggling with the cynicism and depressed days, but they have lessened. I find that staying busy is the best for me, so I have way too many hobbies and tend to throw myself into them and my family and friends, so that I don't have time to think about it. Glad you are beginning to smile and if you ever need someone to talk to who understands, just let me know. My email is if you prefer to email me privately.

my mother was killed a week ago, i tell her everyday to take me with her, she was 39, im 21, it feels like life has lost its value, nothing interests me, i cant stop thinking of her... i wish i could hug her , kiss a lot ... i wish god had given me 1 more day to enjoy the life with her. i just cant believe , everything changed in 1 day. im crying whole day, reminding what we went through... i hope we will meet one day mom, i love you more then anything. if only i could change the time... Just cant live without you, you were full of life and so young to die. From now on i will live the way that you will be proud of your boy. god help me to get over this, how i wish i would wake up in the morning next to mom , again. ;( ;( Love you mommy .... <3

So sorry for what you are going through. I will be glad to hear from you if you just need someone to listen. My email is

My mother died of heart related issues a month ago, i am not able to move on nor able to accept her death. I really dont understand how to move on, sometimes I feel that if I m back to my routine I might forget and accept the reality, but trust me it way too painful even at office. What should I do??????<br />
Here are my questions which i keep on asking myself.<br />
1. Why dint God help me when i prayed?, why dint he heal her, Oh! she loved Jesus and was a faithful servant of God.<br />
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2. Why did God kill her before seeing her grand child, that was her only wish.<br />
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Dont know waht to do

So sorry for the heartache you are going through. It does get better, but it is little by little and a long process. Sometimes God answers our prayers in a totally different way than we expect. It feels that he isn't listening, but he really is and knows what is best even when we think it should have been handled different. I have questioned him many times, but in the end I had to thank him for not doing it my way. I still don't completely understand the why of all that has happened, but I no longer question him about it. I have become stronger in faith since my mother left this earth and maybe that is the why. Maybe I had a lot of growing up to do and would never have done it with her here. Maybe there were things that happened after her passing that would have been too hard for her to bear. Maybe it was just so she could forget all the pain of this world and be forever happy with her mom, dad, husband and brother in her Heavenly home. Whatever the reason, I am happy for her, even though I miss her here every day.

Hi: I know how you feel. It is chrsitmas eve and all i can think of is her. Its so hard. I feel angry, hurt, upset and scared that i will never see her again. I think it is horrifying and don't know how to get past it. its been 6 weeks now and i stare at her pic alot.<br />
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I am working on a masters halfway thru. Its. Your lucky you have a good boyfriend but i think you still wish your mother was here, etc. It changes you forever. Your not that devil may care individual anymore.<br />
I am from jersey too and was in calif and got the call. I brought her to calif and a year later we returned. it happened here. I can't seem to get past it either. <br />
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You are in my thoughts and prayers.<br />

It has been quite a while since I was on here. Sorry that I am just now responding to your posts. It will be 10 years this September since I lost my mom and though I still think of her every day, it has gotten better. The depressed days are less and I am working hard on the cynical part. I pray everyday for help and I will pray for you too.

My mom died 1 month ago, i do wish she was back here every minute of the day. I wonder how i will make it through, we were so close and i was the only daughter.<br />
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Its very hard especially around the holidays.<br />
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I've been going through the same thing a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. She went through chemo and after that had two hernia surgeries. After each surgery she would have trouble breathing and end up on life support for awhile. Then we found out she had stage 4 liver disease. She never really recovered from her last hernia surgery she had a open wound, couldn't eat and was very sick. So I ended up taking her to the hospital and she ended up in ICU on life support due to respritory failure. She ended up being unable to come off of life support this time. She was able to let me know that she did not want to continue. So we took her off of life support and she ended up passing away 2 days later. I feel like I have this weight on my chest and knot in my stomach that I can't get rid of ...I am so tired all of the time. I put on a good face at work and for everyone else but I snap at my children and husband horribly. It's like I'm two different people. I just can't believe she's gone. I thought I would take her to the hospital and they would get her through this like they had in the past.... I had no idea she would be gone. Then I think...why didn't I know? I miss her so much! I wasn't done.....there was so much we didn't get to do. So much time we didn't get to spend together. It hurts so much and I don't know how to get past it. Does anyone know how?

my mam died last year at the age of 39. I was 19 n had to take on my little brother. My mam died of sudden cardiac arrest, she suffered bullimia and hospital aquired pneumonia last year. She as in icu unconcious for months because of it. Every weekend i was told she'd die but against all odds she recovered. One day i stayed out n got a call off o older sister to say mums in hosp again (a regular occurance due to th bullimia she'd need vitamins ect. I was told to come get her in the morning. that night she had a cardiac arrest and died. The guilt tore me apart. I never spoke to her the day she died, she'd became this invincible woman who i never thought wud die. Since i have changed, nothing is ever that good anymore. Im in the house alone everynight as my brother has since moved out. Im angry, i cant stand anyone weak who complains about such trivial crap. Relationships are over,i neverlaugh anymore and i just cant ease it. I always have that feeling and worry that i got at the icu those times.even though the worst has already happend, my whole chest and stomach feels it dissppears everytime i think of her. I am a different person now,totally different. I feel like ive been swapped or something, everything has changed and it hasnt got any easier, i feel so alone. My dad immegrated to th u.s n doesnt give a toss n my brother is settled in his gfs rents house, i know how this feels n i wish someone had the answers.

Believe it or not, it does get better with time. I do still have some really bad days, but they are fewer and farther between. You had a double dose, with having a brother to care for too, and my heart goes out to you. I don't have the answer for you, as everyone is different, but I can tell you that surrounding myself with other people and doing a lot of praying has been my biggest help. I hope you can soon find at least a little peace in your heart. You will be in my prayers!

I google searched this topic because I am feeling the same way. I lost my mom 3 years ago from cancer when I was 24 years old. At the time, I had just started my career and was living in VT while she was home in NJ. From the day I found out she was sick, I have completely changed. Prior, I was a motivated, happy-go-lucky, ready to take on the world type of young woman. I had everything at my finger tips and was going after my dreams every step of the way. When I got that phone call, I was so angry and upset. For 3 months, I drove home every weekend to see her, but I was withdrawn. Our house was always full of people coming and going, wanting to stop and see her. I never got that private alone time with her, partially because there were too many people around and partially because I just couldn't find it in myself to accept this new reality. When she passed away, I stayed in VT for a little while longer to try to live my life, but ultimately decided to move home and help my older brother raise my younger, 14 year old brother. It's been quite difficult. My career is in health care and weight management, so I work full-time with people - hands on, all of the time. Since my mom's death, I have almost zero tolerance for people and have little to no desire to work in my field. I feel like I've almost lost my identity because from the time I can first remember, I've always had a caring heart, always wanted to help others and that was my passion in life. Now I'm graduated from college, finishing up my master's degree and fully endulged in a career that I get annoyed with most days of the week because I have to be around people. My boyfriend has been a gem through this entire thing - we started dating just a few weeks before I found out my mom was sick, and for 3 years he has stuck by my side through it all. I feel like I have short changed him because I am not the person I was when we first met - and all I keep hoping and wishing for is to be able to return to that happy, motivated, selfless woman ready to conquer the world. I'm wondering if there is any hope - I've sought out grief counseling on two separate occasions and have done everything in my power that I know of to get out of this funk but it still lingers, sometimes I think it's even getting worse. I try to live by my mom's wisdom and try to live with as much grace as she possessed regularly, I just can't seem to find my way. Glad to know others have felt this way and that I'm not alone but I'm also trying to be proactive and seek out advice from others on what I can do to try to get passed this.

wow, i know how u all feel! i was 19 when my mom died of cancer, but then i had to grow up real fast cause i had to raise my 14 year old brother...that was 17 years ago..gasp! Through time the anger seemed to fade, i realized alot of anger was at God...once i realized that the just plain saddness and loss for her set in. I find content in trusting God now and not questioning his reasons for taking someone that i needed soooo much in my life. I don't think i'll ever be the person i was before her death but im not angry anymore. when a butterfly flutters past me i smile and say hi to my mom...

I didn't lose my mother to cancer, but i know how you feel. My mom died a year ago tomorrow. Before she died, i was happy, always having fun mostly never in a bad mood. Now I am a very angry person. I almost never see the good in anything. No one gets it. Everything frustrates be and i get mad at the drop of a dime. I wish i could go back to how i was. I hate the person i am now, but i dnt know how to change...

I am so sorry that you lost your mom so young, that had to be so rough. Do you have siblings? I honestly don't know what I would do without mine, especially now. My heart goes out to you. If you prefer to talk in private, email me at

Wow callmejingles I feel like I might be the younger version of you. I lost my mother to cancer just as you did where I was in denial thought it would go away and then she passed away just like that. Except I had just turned 20 when it happened. <BR><BR>But yet I was like you as well, I was very happy go lucky kid and after it I have become cynical and more withdrawn. I feel like my life would be so different now had she lived, she was my best friend sometimes the only person I felt understood me. <BR><BR>If you ever want to talk I am here. Reading your story I almost felt like I wrote it we have so much in common. At least its good to know I am not alone.