I'm Afraid.

I think what's prevented me from opening up is fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of being laughed at, fear of being judged in a harsh light, and fear of nobody finding me interesting. I guess you could say I have trust issues. My father walked out on me and my mom when I was five and built a new life for himself with his second wife across the country. My mom thrusts her insecurities and worries on me and looks to me to provide the answers to all of her problems. My boyfriend (who was my first love) has belittled me and been emotionally abusive.

I've never been able to really open up with anyone before. And when I've tried, other people always made me feel bad about myself in one way or another. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around my mother because she's so insecure. She twists my words around, pushes her doubts all over me, and it always ends in a screaming match between us because she can't listen with open ears. Her mind is plagued by worries. She watches my every move and criticises everything I do and say. It's like I always have to prove myself to her and act the way she wants me to be if I want peace and quiet in the house. Growing up I was like her Barbie doll. She'd dress me in what she wanted me to wear, fixed my hair, and brainwashed me to believe that my looks were more important than my talents, interests, and personality. As I grew up, I gained a sense of myself and was able to let go of the crap she tried to drill into my head and formulated my own beliefs...but still I feel like I have to pussyfoot around her, prove myself, defend myself, provide the answers to her problems, and be the voice of reason. I never feel so much anger and hatred as I do when I'm around her. I feel like I can't be myself. Like I'm not good enough.

This feeling has stayed with me in my relationship with my boyfriend and other friends. No matter what I do or what I say, I feel like I don't measure up to other people. Like I'm expendable. I've battled with the feeling that my boyfriend would like other women more than he likes me because they're more interesting, more loveable, more alluring, etc. My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and shows that he cares in his own way, but this is our second time dating...the first time didn't go so well because there was no communication and I felt like he wasn't treating me well enough. This time around it's been going a lot better because we make sure to have open communication and he grew to appreciate me. But still, that dark feeling of inferiority lurks in the back of my mind.

I hate feeling like a dull, expendable, ugly, fumbling, out-of-step monster. Like nobody ever really likes me and like I'm the type of person other people could really love. I guess it comes from the way I was raised and the people I've had close to me, but still. I hope I'm wrong and I'll one day be loved for the person I am.
lostinwunderland lostinwunderland
18-21, F
4 Responses Jul 26, 2010

Oh my god, I can identify with almost everything you say. My mom worries a lot too and I'm full of fears because of that. I do feel inferior and uninteresting. But this site makes one realize there's nothing wrong, how valuable we really are and how much we must love ourselves and make ourselves believe every day that we are ok no matter what others say. Thanks very much for sharing. I was relieved while reading your post.

I totally empathise with you lostinwonderland. I constantly battle with this feeling also. But I am gradually learning that for people to like or love you, you have to learn to treat yourself nicely, and not be your own worst critic. I know its easier said than done. I'm not sure if you have experienced this, but when you have a really good moment when you feel on top of the world, don't you feel that people gravitate towards you and want to talk to you. See there is hope. Just keep working on the positive stuff, and laugh away the the negatives. You will eventually condition yourself to not switch to feeling down as soon as you experience something negative like some not liking you. It takes time, but I would say practice it in an atmosphere of friendly people, or people who don't know you at all. My ex girlfriend of 8 years tried forever to change me, but now I realise that I wasn't mean't to be with someone like that, and am glad she left me. Just remember that not all people will like you, so just ignore those people, and focus on the people that you get on better with. It takes time, but try to be patient, and it will get better.

I totally understand- I found out about a year ago that my dad had been having an affair for the past 2 years and now he has walked out and we speak less than once a week. My mum also thrust all her problems on me and still does, asking me what to do about her new boyfriend and my brother. She doesn't seem to worry about me and I always feel like I disappoint her. When I want to talk to her about my OCD I have to scream at her to get through, at which point she breaks down and cries, but then doesn't mention it again. I think this has made me difficult to get to know as well. I can only act myself around a person when I have really gotten to know them, which takes time. I also feel like people don't like me and I am so grateful for the smallest gestures from people.<br />
Anyway, I hope all goes well this time around with your boyfriend and that your relationship with your mum improves xx

i feel the same way as you. like nobody ever really likes me and i can nv be the type of person other people could really love. but at the very least you have your boyfriend with you. trust in him. open up to him. maybe he can prove you wrong.