Im Out In the Cold.

An I protecting them from me? Or me from them? And who needs protecting.

All of the energy and time that I pour in to dodging and weaving and avoiding has left me so dizzy and drained and alone that I dont even know who I am any more. I know what I want but I know I need people. I have so many sharp edges and blurry lines that its almost impossible to know which way to go.

Im tired and angry most of the time, I almost dont want to put any energy into making a friend because I am so out of practice that I get scared, frustrated like a little kid and then self loathing comes out and I just shut down completely leaving the new people I have enountered clueless. Im not surprised they leave, I dont really give them any other choice.

I dont know where to go or what to do. I always feel like buying a ticket and moving to the next town to see if it is any better there but everyone says the grass is not green on the other side but how am I supposed to know if I dont go.

And what if I have used all the alloted energy that this town will suply for me. I keep hesitating in my efforts and I feel like that kills it. I don't know what to do other than whine. It all sounds so childish and unattractive. Im sorry I feel like way. But I cant change my tune.

LakeShore LakeShore
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 14, 2009

Thats a pretty clear observation. I knew that exercise is one of the best things. I signed up for a gym and think that as long as I go it can only help. <br />
Ill keep that one in mind.

Hello LakeShare,<br />
<br />
Life seems cruel for us and blessing for some. I am also feeling almost same like you.<br />
But somtimes I see happy poeple and feel like getting happy myself as well.<br />
You can be in the compony of happy people, its easier said than done.<br />
Depression is basically a resulf of low energy level in my opinion. That is why children never tend to be depressed if they are healthy.<br />
<br />
I am trying to learn from children. May be they can give you some inspiraion, Why not try it?<br />
<br />
Best wishes.<br />
<br />