Im Out In the Cold.
An I protecting them from me? Or me from them? And who needs protecting.
All of the energy and time that I pour in to dodging and weaving and avoiding has left me so dizzy and drained and alone that I dont even know who I am any more. I know what I want but I know I need people. I have so many sharp edges and blurry lines that its almost impossible to know which way to go.
Im tired and angry most of the time, I almost dont want to put any energy into making a friend because I am so out of practice that I get scared, frustrated like a little kid and then self loathing comes out and I just shut down completely leaving the new people I have enountered clueless. Im not surprised they leave, I dont really give them any other choice.
I dont know where to go or what to do. I always feel like buying a ticket and moving to the next town to see if it is any better there but everyone says the grass is not green on the other side but how am I supposed to know if I dont go.
And what if I have used all the alloted energy that this town will suply for me. I keep hesitating in my efforts and I feel like that kills it. I don't know what to do other than whine. It all sounds so childish and unattractive. Im sorry I feel like way. But I cant change my tune.