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Ive Let Myself Down

From the time i was a little girl I always remembered competing with other children over who would get the highest grade on an addition test or who can run to the wall the fastest. I always remember myself aiming so high to try to be the perfect child to try and impress my mom and dad. since then ive turned 17 and alot has changed, I've become a total failure at life. I've become overweight (which was something i've actually always dealt with to a lessened level) and i try so hard to try to become something im not, i've tried over and over to become skinny thinking to myself maybe i'll finially have the attention ive always craved, but never received. Ive resorted to being bulimic for a while until i was able to dig  myself out of that hole (though relapsing still occurs here and there) I've realized that im just jealous of everyone who has what i want, my best friend whom i truly love and is more of a sister to me is getting engaged soon and im so happy for her but i cant help feel a bit jealous shes so happy with him and shes beautiful and thin, ppl. frequently tell us we look so much alike but everyone knows shes the beautiful one with a powerful mind and knows how to carry herself. I work so hard at trying to form any type of relationship but never will it ever work out even close. I just want to be happy, im so so sick of feeling depressed, but i know i dont deserve to because im a failure at everything i try. Ive been slacking at school, keeping more to myself, feeling empty and this is one pit i dont know how to get myself out of. I want for just once to feel like im good at something or have a talent, im sick of everyone being more successful than me, im sick of crying myself to sleep, but must of all im sick of who ive become
XoalleaXo XoalleaXo 16-17, F Feb 18, 2011

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