I Wish I Can Turn Back Time...

I used to think highly of myself and be high achieving and charitable work even manager of volunteer charity work aside from my own work but now I have totally walked away from that, and even when I want to reach out to assist people I fear I might get bitten by people again. I just want to be left alone but I can't stand the lonliness. Often after everything I say or do I would second guess for hours whether I've done or said the right thing, have I done it right, or what would the other person think, would they judge my intentions wrongly? I'm afraid other people judging me but that said I judge myself all the time, everything I do and everything I say.

And I don't know why but I'm so cowardly, I've never confess my feelings to any girl I like, I just sit around and wishing they'll come to me or I'll chat and get aquainted then just give up. There is a girl I liked for four years and I see her every week I still don't have the courage to ask her out, in the end I just give up and left. I'm such a failure in relationship that I couldn't be bothered to know anyone new anymore. I begin to abandon my old friends, I shut them out of my life pretending not to receive their email, invitations, not logging onto social network as I used to, then not picking up their calls and just let them drift away as they get on with their merry life, girlfriends, work, and I'm just stuffing around not achieving anything. I constantly lie to myself and my friends, putting up a appearance that I'm too good for others yet I know I'm rotten inside, I keep saying to myself I used to be successful and looked up to, and that proves I'm not bad.

I just keep wondering what would've happened if I didn't made the choices I've made, what if I was to choose to be a nobody, or choose a different career path, then would I have not this high expectation of myself, and I would not have loss all of my dear friends, I can't begin to say how regretful I am all the time, even saying the smallest wrong thing would have me regreting for many days just like a voice recorder replaying again and again in my head.

I used to have so much passion and goal in my life about what I can be in my teens but where is that person now? I wish I can turn back time...
DennisTrash DennisTrash
2 Responses Apr 28, 2012

Me too.

hi, this post is brimming with a truthfulness......and i know how it feels because some years ago i felt exactly the same.............i used to pretend i did not hear the phone ringing telling everyone my phone is not working......i even used to change my road if i saw anybody known coming.............!!!! and it happens when some people you trust stab you hard and then you have no option but to face life and yet have no stamina or courage to do so...........!!!<br />
but one thing from experience i can tell you..........it changes............life changes and it once again give you a chance to stand up and laugh..........you just need to be patient and let this phase go........it will end up making you a stronger person!!!!