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I Am Disappointed In Myself

I Guess I Need To 'let It Go' Cuz It Ain't Gonna Happen.....

By: LifesCraziness
Written on December 5th, 2012
I wish I had the 'perfect, normal, happy' family, but I don't....
I feel, as a mom, very disappointed....
I guess I need to let it go... let go of the hope that it will ever be.....

I try to see where I went wrong, what I could have done differently....
I don't know where or what or how... but I surely should have went in a different direction.
I guess I need to let it go... cuz what's done is done....

Oh sure, I offered love and a safe home
I provided for them .....I tried to do the 'right' things for them
but I guess it just wasn't in the plan....
I guess I need to let it go... my plan is not meant to be...

I would give my life up in a heartbeat. if they would just get along and let go of the hurts and be close to each other..  I want to know that when I die, that they will be family to each other, love each other, respect each other and have each others back....
I guess I need to let it go... cuz Im not sure I will see that... and that really disappoints me

What can I do now? What's done is done I guess... I can't control their emotions and feelings... especially since they are adults!
I guess I need to let go of this dream of them being friends for life...
but that really pains me and makes me feel extremely disappointed, and terribly sad.
My heart just breaks at this... and I just wonder why it has to be this way....
I thought I instilled in them the importance of family.... but I failed....

Im not even sure about life anymore..... Im not even sure what my purpose is... I just know, Im disappointed, sad and depressed.

This isn't how I thought my little family unit would be....
I had greater expectations and dreams....
time to let them go....
time to accept it for what it is
time to realize that wasn't supposed to be my calling...

I only hope I created a few good memories for them to hold onto and cherish well into their adult years..... but lately... Im not so sure about that either...

It's a hard and sad reality, when you realize, that while on your life's path, you are on the wrong road, you've headed in the opposite direction, you've steered into a ditch and a blew a tire.

Maybe next year will be better, or next month... or maybe next week...
maybe ...... but I don't know... I just should let it all go... and accept that it is out of my control.
By: LifesCraziness
Age: 41-45 , Female
97 people have read this story

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16 responses
  • angelsamongus
    angelsamongus

    Oh MY GOODNESS.......It sounds like you have too high expectations for YOU & your FAMILY. You my dear need to come back to earth & realize that by no means no family no person by far is PERFECT. All of us has flaws and are only human. God gave us free will so that we can make our own choices then learn from them. Don't be too hard on yourself. You by all means did the best to your ability. Your girls, even though in number are adults, are still growing and will be fine women. They are still learning about themselves. In time, once they find themselves will they truly appreciate YOU & each other. You taught them all the basics in which will help them to succeed. So STOP torturing yourself with all this perfect nonsense. Life would be too boring if everyone was the same. So don't ever give up & have FAITH, for everything is right where it should be at this time. God doesn't make junk & by all means only He knows what he is doing. HUGS to you my friend !!!

    Jan 3
    1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      awww thanks Angels... you are amazing my friend!! :)

      Jan 6
      1 like
  • slipping
    slipping

    This made me cry:( I can feel your pain in every word you wrote, I'm not a parent myself yet and I'm only 23 but I can tell you from my own experience that looking at my family I feel like we have the same thing happening here like what you write is happening by you, but I look at my older sisters and see how close they are and loving and I know there is hope, it's just a stage that will pass, and it's nothing my parents did wrong, it's nothing you did wrong! things will get better, NEVER give up hope. Love you XXOX

    Dec 9, 2012
    2 likes
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      thanks slipping for taking the time to read and reply... you are the best! hugsox

      Dec 12, 2012
      1 like
  • breaknfree
    breaknfree

    why have you taken all of the responsibility on yourself?

    Dec 5, 2012
    1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      I don't know... I can only speak from my own point of view...

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • breaknfree
      breaknfree

      It sounds like you've really poured your heart and soul into this and who wouldn't as a parent - that says a lot of good things about you just in itself. Maybe things havent turned out in the ideal way you hoped they would, that doesn't mean you've failed and it doesn't reflect on you badly as a person or as a parent.

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      thanks for your kind words.. you brought tears to my eyes... I dont know what to think but I just feel hurt, disappointed and so down.. I mean... I guess there is hope huh? I just dont know... they are still young only 19 and 21 so I guess things could change, but to see them fight and not get along just truly breaks my heart and leaves me feeling empty. Again, thanks for your kindness

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • breaknfree
      breaknfree

      hey when i was 19 and 21, i was totally hopeless and totally wouldn't be told...they're still really young and have a lot of growing up to do...cut yourself some slack here, they're doing what a lot of young adult siblings do...just be there for them and guide them along - just like you have been, you're doing fine, don't let your fears take control of your life with this...kick back, have a cuppa, congratulate yourself for being a parent who cares...and maybe work towards having a chat with them together and working out a 3-way solution (give and take) that will keep everybody happy and in a better frame of mind :)

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      again... tears...
      thanks really... thank you..
      I needed to hear some positive words and I appreciate you taking time to offer them to me...
      you offer some good advice
      I do try to talk to them often.. as often as they will have me!!
      I guess part is still the 'growing pains" of discovering life, friends, dating, career choices and all the struggles they bring with them...
      I know I need to hold onto hope...
      I guess there are days when I just wanna cry and have a pity party.... let go of the anxiety, frustration and sadness...
      venting here and shedding a few tears helps...
      hugs to you
      xo

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • breaknfree
      breaknfree

      aww thanks...hey you're doing fine and it's clear you know some of the pressures they're going through too - see, good parent! just remember to take some time out for you too... gotta recharge the emotional batteries from time to time :) hang in there (remember to have that cuppa)

      Dec 5, 2012
      1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      Hey... just wanted to say things are better... Had a nice long talk with each of them at separate times and shortly after, I saw some positive changes, then they had a night out together. I guess I need to realize siblings will fight, disagree and have their issues, but more the likely, they will come back around. I made them each promise to be close friends in life and that when I die, if they are not close, they better get close!! Have a good day!!

      Dec 10, 2012
      1 like
    • slipping
      slipping

      I'm SO glad things are better! :) love you! XXOX

      Dec 10, 2012
      1 like
    • breaknfree
      breaknfree

      it's great to hear that a positive outcome was achieved...ultimatums are a personal choice and entirely up to the individual, but great tohear that they were listening nonetheless

      Dec 10, 2012
      1 like
    • LifesCraziness
      LifesCraziness

      hahaaa Im not sure my request for them to be friends throughout life was a ultimatum, but I think.. I HOPE... they have enough love for each other to keep a friendship with each other through out life... thanks again breakn....
      Slipping... thank you sweetie!!

      Dec 12, 2012
      1 like
    • breaknfree
      breaknfree

      hey lifes...they'll be alright, and it'll work out ok, don't worry - you're there for them...hope you're having a great day/evening : )

      Dec 13, 2012
      1 like
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