I had it all planned today... My sister is in surgery, right now, getting a tumor removed from her neck. The good news is that it's not cancerous... but she was afraid, as this is her first surgery ever. I had went to therapy and planned to go straight to the hospital afterward, staying there for moral support. I wanted to be there for her, when she wakes up, all smiles!

But... when I got to the waiting room, there were over forty people waiting there too. Two women looked at me and laughed. I felt the panic rising, my mother and Mr. Bernard saw that I was ready to cry, and he drove me back home. Damn... I feel so very useless. I know, it's going to take some time to overcome my anxiety disorder, I am in therapy for it. We've just only begun on it, today... and my new therapist came up with a cool idea, of me going to group therapy too, just so I can get use to a room with more than two people in it. I am seriously considering it!

But, I came back home, hiding my tears. I feel so very lost, at the moment. I just wanted to be there for my sister, I know she will understand it, but I hate this! Why was I even born this way. I don't fit anywhere... :-(

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22 Responses Jul 29, 2009

Well your deep thinking is what keeps you intelligent, and what enables you to learn so many different things, and its also what makes you good with others..(I know this, I have it ).Although I'm aware often of people s reactions and am very socially aware in situations, I don't worry so much until I'm in a group situation, but I can be different, like sometimes Im fine- other times Im nervous.It bothers my sis where she won't go out of the house somedays. <br />
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My attitude is a bit crash suicide I just sort of chuck myself in and just develop a thick skin from hell lol even if I blush or get shown up in groups lol!!I'm sort of used to being like that for years now.I think people will judge you no matter what so, just get in there.Easier said then done though I know with anxiety, but please try.<br />
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Its like you once said to me though I guess you said that you would happily jump out of a plane....see I would never do that lol!!Anxiety about things is difficult.I think that you just had a bad time this time, but you tried and next time you try again, but don't be disappointed, your taking steps.Write and keep a diary of the positive things you have done so far with your therapy to remind yourself what you have done so far.How you went to see your sister in the first place, and you got very far, and next time you try something it will start to feel easier,and more liberating,because your DOING, and thats the important thing and what I admire about you. You work at things and you try. Good for you, its not disappointed its PROUD! <br />
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Maybe one day I'll get over my phobias! I hate public speaking, and I have bad nerves so I get what you go through, just trying to give you the thumbs up because the reason I don't worry as much as my sis is to do with thinking, and its something that helps me, its alot of positivity and giving yourself less of a hard time, loving yourself a bit more,(yes thats ok its not vanity) and recognising what you do well too.And you are a very understanding person to others, so you must be like that to yourself too, and think what would I say to me? And you would tell yourself you did well because you did :-) I'm off, but hey, your a good sis, I know, and your sis loves ya :-)

Hey Shadow, those girls were horrible and insecure making fun of someone they don't know...they obviously have no life.Your great, and don't worry, you tried, you always try, and you'll do it.You tried for your sister, and its early days it maybe next week, it maybe next year you'll feel ready, but dont add more anxiety by trying to overanalyse things, or what you did wrong, your sister knows you love her and tried and thats whats important. My sis suffers with the same, and I sometimes have social anxiety, if you ever wanna chat talk to me Lea :-)

ok, :D just making sure!! thank you for understanding :D

you better, LOL j/k but really, nah, i'm just saying, but you get it, right? no? yeah? maybe?

don't feel silly shadow....don't give credit to people like that... you felt bad, and plus, your sister was fine with it, she don't have to stand for anyone making fun of don't feel bad.....ok ?

Awww, that's awesome!! ^_^

Just show her the love that you show all those around you & she'll be alright.<br />
That said I do find that cakes make very good bribes for sisters, well it always works when I'm creeping around my big sister XD<br />
As a beautiful lady recently told me, love ya much!.<br />
All the best to you & your sister, take care, Bear

Oh, sister's understand. I know mine would and I'm sure yours will too. The important thing is that she knows that you tried to face your fears. You were really brave. I'm proud that you made it even if you didn't stay. I'm sure it will all work out.


of course@!!!! anything for you!

You DO fit in. I know this is hard and while you want to be there for your sister, you are not in a place where you can do this right now. I KNOW how this feel, believe me. It will get better. <br />
Shadow, you are awesome. You matter to people. If you think you might want to go back and see her when she is in her room, then go back. Just stay a couple minutes. Small gestures count as much as big ones. <br />
: )

ok, just making sure. ok. Sorr---yyyyy.

your mom said *furry hugs* over the phone,??<br />
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that's funny!

yes you did. made an effort to be there....that's what counts, doesn't it?<br />
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Thank you momo....couldn't have said it better..<br />
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and shadow "I'M A N T I S O C I A L"<br />
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i know what i'm saying ok....:P

you should meet me in RL, and you'll realize what i mean!

I"m sorry, you fit in here with us all antisocials, lol....well i'm antisocial i dont' know about anyone else, i don't have panic attacks, but hate being in rooms full of people!!!

Your story touched me...I have a really hard time showing my feelings, just leaving them out there for anyone to see if that makes sense. I think you're brave and inspiring....I would try to express more but now I'm going to just post this before I decide it sounds stupid and chicken out.

oh detest phones? just cell phones or you dont like communicating on phone at all?<br />
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Well we can still pretend i am accompanying you? And you could have slammed those for what they did to my wonderful friend ;)<br />
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lets see what comes out next from your big head? =P<br />
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Oh i havent been bad yet, yesterday was just a trailer =P<br />
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you'll be ok I am sure, just need to come to terms with this as you did with other stuff, and then you'll be all "shiny" oh yeah i read the pm, will respond to it after this commet =P<br />
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*hugs and love*

oof its just that, you should have told me when you were on here earlier today, i would have accompanied you to the hospital and slammed those women who laughed at such a wonderful individual. If not anywhere you fit in here beautifully, next time you need to visit someplace, i'll accompany ya, you can access EP through phone right? :)

She'll understand Shadow, I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to stay if you were that uncomfortable. You're trying and that's the important part. You'll get there, it just takes time. Just treat her like a princess when she gets home. LOL

I appreciate what you so desperately wanted to be able to but just couldn't. I've been through stuff like that too.<br />
Ya know what I'd really like to be able to do,eh? Come on over and give you the biggest hug ever!<br />
Making things right with you Sister? Great idea!<br />
I'm sure you could come up with creative gift ideas that would make her feel loved when she comes out. <br />
That's the emotion you wanted to transmit, huh and you still can do that.<br />
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