Why Can't I Be Good Enough
I live in Denmark.. I love Denmark.. I just don't want to stay here..
I want to travel, to work abroad and experience all these faboulous things, but I don't have they money... but that's not my biggest problem..
I have previously applied for going abroad for high school for a year or two... i got rejected... five times...
I still hurts so bad.. I want it so much.. I don't really talk about it with my friends or family 'cause they don't understand how it much hurts me.. how much it means to me.. it was my biggest dream..
it's not like an overwhelming pain, at least not anymore.. it's more like this dull ache that's always in the back of my my mind and it gets stronger everytime I think about it..
and i think about it almost everyday now and in the period right after i got rejected it was several times a day everyday..
it's always reminding me of how I was not good enough, smart enough, convincing enough smart enough.. while in reality i know that 4 of the rejections were mainly because of where i lived or because they'd already found someone else..
but it hurts nonetheless.. always there, making me so weak and vulnerable..
I recently moved to a dorm at my school, and i find myself feeling quite left out of my group of friends even though we went to the same class last year as well and we're always together.. i think it's because i'm always worrying..
sometimes I feel like I'm breaking down.. as though all of my dreams will never come true.. and it makes me so scared..
i once tried really talking to my friend about it, and she seemed supportive.. but mostly shocked, she couldn't understand that I, the nice and always funny girl, could have these thoughts...
on top of this i have all the normal teenage problems... I'm not at all satisfied with my body, i look nothing like a model..
Several times I've caught myself wishing for ANOREXIA just so i could look better..
and who can I tell all these things? I can't burden my family and friends with it, I don't want to worry them.. and I can't let myself be that girl who's pathetic and can't take a rejection.. the girl everyone hates...
therefore I'm trapt with these feelings.. I'm thinking of going to a psycologist when I move far enough away to make sure no one I know will hear about it..
as I'm writing this I'm struggling to keep down the despair and holding back my tears..
i feel so lost...