My Wife Disciplines Me and Sets Strict Standards For Me
My wife Michelle and I have been married for about 20 years. We are very main stream, have 3 children, a house in suburbia and very ordinary jobs in the legal profession. In the beginning we had a very traditional marriage, reasonably equal, though I felt that the husband should be the 51% partner and make the decisions if there were a disagreement. We had a male-dominated rrelationship, but not without the frequernt friction that most upper middle class couples have resolving differences of opinion.
Several years ago we had major arguments over how best to raise one of our kids who was off the deep end and constantly in trouble. I felt more indulgence and love would be the right route and Michelle felt that strict limits and consequences for breaking the rules was the route to go. Michelle said that I, in fact, was very difficult and undiciplined because I had no tough limits set for me when I wass growing up and if I had I would be much better for it. She felt our daughter's downfall was significantly caused by my indulgence and lax rule setting. We agreed to disagree and this caused chaos, almost divorce. Finally, we agreed to seek professional counselling to help resolve the disagreeemt, I feeling that I would be surely vindicated and my wife would finally be exposed as the harsh witch that I saw in her, ways which I saw as causing our daughter's behavior issues.
Afterr several months of therapy with the preeminent family therapist in our city, we were clearly told that my wife was right, that firm limits were what our daughter needed to turn her out of control life around, and in fact, that my laissez faire approach was devastating to the whole family. "In fact," the theraapist said, "your wife sets very reasonable limits and her approach to imposing firm consequences, including spankings for violations, was very appropriate and should be uniformly administered to everyone in the family in order to create a mutually respectful and harminious family experience." Finally, the therapist noted that my background was so devoid of limit-setting that I was totally unable to set limits and should leave that entiurely up to Michelle until I had learned how to master that talent. She said that the only way I could be retrained was to have limts set and enforced on me regularly, just like the children, and that the process could take longer for me than for children due tgo my age and how long I had existed without appreciating limits.
For the benefit of our daughter, I agreed to let my wife make the discipline decisions in the house. After a couple of months, things at home improved dramatically. Michelle set very c lear and firm limits and rules for our dfaughter and all the kids, and enforced the rules without exception and immediateky when any child disobeyed. She bought a larege wooden paddle, a leather strap, and a rattan cane and used them whenever she felt they were needed. At first there were a lot of recriminations and screaming and rebellion by the kids, but after several months the house calmed down considerably, there was order instead of chaos and even our difficult daughter started to behave civilly and excel at school. At first the kids would come to me to reverse their punishments, but I had to meekly explain that while I did not always agree with their mom, I couldn't do anything about it.
A few months into the new program, Michelle told me that my failure to enthusiastically back her up undermined her authority, and that starting that day, she would be setting limits for me, establsuihing rules for me and enfocing thjem in the same manner as she did with the kids in order to reverse 40+ years of my lack of limits. I told her that was not acceptable, and she suggested that we return to the therapiost. We did and the therapist said that my lack of comfort with limits was threatening to ruin my family and that I should follow Michelle's direction and learn, even at my age, to respect limits.
Upon returning home, Michelle secured my agreement thAT for the sake of the marriage and family I would obey her rules and submit to her discipline. Since thast time, my life has changed for the better and our family is now cohesive, well behaved, polite and respectful and all of us -- even me -- are more productive and successuyl at school ans work.
Michelle soon established a routine for me to help reinforce these chractater building traits. If I disobey any of Michelle's rules, she will note it at the time, and as soon as possible thereafter she will take me into our bedroom and instruct me to prepare for my discipline, which means I am to lean over the chair back or if she instructs, spread my legs and assume the position of leaning against the dresser ior wall n front of the mirror so that I can lift my head and see in the mirror exactly what she is doing. She will go into her armoire and take out whatever implement she deems appropriaate, leather paddle for minor offenses to a heavy wooden paddle with holes drilled into it for more serious offenses, or a vinyl or rattan cane for repeated disobedience; she then asnnounces how many times she will whip me ans asks me to tell her in detail what I did wrong and how I will change my behavior in the future and wther I understnad that she will be harsher on me if I repeat this disobedience of her rule again. Sometimes, it is as few as 10 or 15 swats, and sometimes when she is really angry at me, as many as 50 or more. She then asks me if I understand what I did wrong and if I understood and agreed that I was always to obey her rule promptly, without question and willingly. If not, she may add a multiplier to what she ordered. Then she will very deliberately, very hard and methodivcally administer the punishment, while I call out loud the number of each stroke. If the pain is too great and I start crying -- which will not reduce the punishment at all -- and therefore miss a count, she will only credit me with the actual number I call out, so I might get more than she ordered if I fail to keep the count accurate.
I now obey regularly and feel so much calmer and in control of my life. I am more successful at work, help around the house equally with the others, support my wife's dsiciplining of the kids, who are now all very well-behaved, emotionally strong, very warm and supportive of one another. Michelle has assigned everyone, including me, specific chores, which leaves more time for all of us to spend togeher as a family. Everyne naturally helps out around the house all the time, without being asked, keep their rooms neat and tidy, excel at school, and are very respectful of both parents and all adults.
I am a much more helpful family member, am very respectful of my wife, do all of my chores willingly and with great pride and gladly follow my wife's rules and directions. Our life is a hundred times better, our children are happy and well-adjusted, and have told both of us how much better life has been since Michelle established predictable guiidelines and expectations for everyone. I feel the same way.
While at first, I was embarrased to submit to my wife's control, I now know it is best for all and is the right way of conducting a healthy family life and marital life. We enjoy each other's company and companionship, have a healthy and frequent sex life and a loving and harmonious home life. We all accept that Michelle is very much the "boss," but she does so with grace, fairness and sensitivity, as well as firmness.
As for me, Michelle and I agree that I am much better at respecting and recognizing limits but will never be able to match Michelle's natural talent in this area, and therefore that Michelle will always be the head of the household and the one who sets and enforces the limts for the benefit of all of us.
Every Thursday night, I must shower and come to bed naked, assuming the position over the chair or leaning against the wall with my palms raised above my head flat on the wall in front of the mirror, so that Michelle can administer 50 hard lashes with the implement of her choice, even though I have done nothing to deserve punishment. This, she says, is to enforce and remind me that she is the leader of our family, and that I fully understand and accept that she sets the rules and enforces them and that I will always willingly submit to her rules and punishments even if I think they are unfair or too harsh. It is, essentially, my weekly reminder of Michelle's authority over me and her total right to discipline me however and whenever she sees fit and my willinness to submit to her com[letely. Knowing how much Michelle has made our household and family a healthy and happy and joyous place after many years of chaos makes the soreness on my read end and the welts that lasst for several days after Thursday nights well worth the fleeting agony, and I look forward to many decades of happiness under Michelle's supportive and strong guidance.
While I used to be embarrassed by my submission to Michelle, so many of our friends and neighbors have been impressed with the dramatic turnaround in our family life, that now Michelle and I freely share our formula for success and most of our neighbors and fellow memberrs of the church know all about our story. Whlle many of the men snicker about it, more and more families seek Michelle's counsel on how to bring order and discipline to their homes, and over the last year, you would be surprised at how many times Michelle has given to other gamilies the address and web-site of the places from which she buys her paddles, straps and canes.
While perhaps this seems rather unusual to some, the fact is that women tend to be more self-disciolined because of the historically male-dominated society in which we were raised and the number of male "princes" that have been wrongfully permitted to run undisciplined to the detriment of all. This system works for us and increasingly it seems for others in our community, and would probably be a good model for many.
I love, as well as respect, Michelle more now than ever, and hope that ourt lifestyle continues like this for another four decades.