Husband Or Roommate?

I have to say my husband and I are roommates at this point. we only talk about the everyday trivial things and the rest of the time I sit in my chair wishing and aching for something more..while he watches t.v and acts as if nothing is wrong. How can two people be in a relationship and see and feel things so differently? I can't figure it out.

we have been together for 17 yrs and even though I have tried so many times to talk to him and explain the I am unhappy..he listens with no comment or feedback and before you know's like the talk NEVER happened.  Talk about sweeping things under the rug..he has got so much garbage under the rug it's like an elephant in the can you possibly ignore that! yet he does unless I bring it up.

I feel so hurt, angry, unhappy, lonely,neglected, unloved. I am turning into a very resentful person and i don't want to be that way. I wish i didn't care so much, I wish it were in me to just give up..much less painful that way.

Sometimes I sit and my whole body just aches for him to hug me or pay some attention to me and he just walks around the house singing whatever song is in his head at the life is so good...

I am so tired with it all.

Suzzique Suzzique
41-45, F
48 Responses Apr 29, 2009

I'm going to say I've been married almost 7 months...we are already at that stage and have been for 7 months. We haven't consummated our marriage. He doesn't kiss me except when he goes to work. He has nothing to do with me. He treats me like a roommate, but he treats his old roommates like he's married to them. He's always online with them as soon as he gets home and if he's not online, he's over at their house. We both work difficult jobs, but I don't see him after said job. The only things that prove we're married are the rings on our fingers, our marriage certificate, and the fact we sleep in the same bed. I'm depressed and have contemplated suicide a few times.
He doesn't love me anymore. We dated for 3 years before we got married. The love is gone and mine is being sapped away every day.

I have been married to my husband for 22 years and we too have separate bank accounts, live separate lives as I work out of town, and our two children are grown. I work for the schools and am away from home during the week. This has been going on for 5 years and I now feel like a stranger in my own home. I think part of the issue is "Empty Nest Syndrome." My husband's and my relationship's focus has primarily been the children. Now that they are grown, there seems to be this gap in communication. I too have tried talking to my husband numerous times about my feelings. I think it is a guy thing in regard's to sweeping problems under the rug. There is a good book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" which really talks about how different the genders are. I have gotten use to being on my own and it is hard to transition back and forth. My husband and I are best friends, but at this point, the intimacy has declined and there is an awkwardness of communication now that the kids are gone. You are not alone in feeling this way. I think too, as women, there is a sense of guilt whenever we focus on ourselves, almost as if we are undeserving or feel like our role as wives are to take care of our husband and children. With that being said, I still believe that women need to do things that they want to do without the guilt. My husband goes hunting 5 times a year, plays basketball, goes to games, etc. We are very opposite in our hobbies. So, while he is at games, I go fishing, mountain biking and do things for myself without the guilt!!!

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect Cfowler, I understand, I been married longer then you. We really have no hobbies, At first I too wouldn't go no place NOW, I'm out doing my own thing:No Guilt. My kids are grow my husband has no deserver to do anything. I have more fun with other people.

Are you sure we're not married to the same guy? Our story is the same. I know this was posted 6 years ago, but I just needed to vent myself. I feel emotionally abandoned. It's like my husband's sense of relationships in general is almost non existent. I don't know how a person can be so disconnected. I support him with his dreams while I put my own dreams on the back burner, I don't nag, I'm encouraging, and I always initiate affection. But I only get a peck for a kiss. Sex happens once every couple of months. And I know he doesn't have any erectile disfunction. It's irritating when other men look at me more than my own husband does. I used to enjoy looking good for my husband.... you know, what I mean, ladies... representing and all that mess! Now all the stares from other men just makes me feel icky. I'm only 33 but I look 25. I'm in decent shape and keep my looks in check. But he never notices. This has made my self esteem take a nose dive. I feel so undesirable and worthless. I feel so alone. I task him if he'll find a hobby that we can do together. I tell him it's just something that I need. He's always like, "Sure, Honey, ok." But what he's really saying is, "I'm going to say whatever I need to say to make you feel better for the moment and just hope you forget about it later." Every time I try to tell him that I miss spending time with him and that we should try to plan more stuff together, he just shuts down. All he cares about is his clients and his loser bachelor friends that all live in other states. I don't feel cherished anymore.

My and Husband are roommate's. Most of the time I'm by self. I asked him he like to go for a weekend some where he told me no. I should go ahead and go. Well, at first I was like Nahhhhh I stay home. Now, after much though,. I need to go!.

Omg, I could have written this myself. It's SPOT ON.😖

Don't forget to check yourself, quite possible you are at least part of the problem. Men and women are different, so learn to respect those differences. Men typically are not needy, on the other hand women require a lot more attention. A man has to face many challenges via Job, Family obligations, and financial stability, no wonder he's exhausted and emotionally drained. Of course there are some that just don't care and probably will wind up on the wrong end of the marriage, but make sure you evaluate the problems and decide if you are part of the disconnect before shifting the blame to one side.

This year will be our 3rd year of marriage and I already feel disconnected from my husband. We just had our first baby in December and things have changed. I know that is to be expected but it is a HUGE change. I am now a stay at home mom and we just moved into a new house in October in a new town. He works from home 2x a week and has a 1 hour commute the days. His job is extremely stressful and he is already a person who either loves stress or has become used to living with stress (i cannot tell). When he comes home he just checks out. Its like he doesn't realize he is also a husband and a father. Our sex life has diminished and it wasn't even that great to begin with and sometimes I have to tell him to hold his daughter, to play with her, to change a diaper. On the weekends he does his own little hobbies and by Sunday he just gears up for another stressful week. We don't even talk about anything serious or anything that has meaning without having an argument first. I feel like he is just a shadow of a person and he is never present for any moment...he is always on to the next thing. I don even tell him about myself or my thoughts anymore because I know he is not listening and he doesn't ask me probing questions about myself or how I'm actually doing. We don't laugh hard together and we don't do fun activities together. At this point I feel like he is more of an acquaintance than even a roommate. It sucks and its now what I signed up for. We have a baby now and now I see why people stay in marriages for their kiddos or even why they have affairs. People have needs and my love tank is almost on E. Not saying that I would have an affair I just see where that can come from.

I've been married for > 5 years. I started to feel what u feel Since 1st year of our marriage. I don't really know why he married me if he's just going to treat me like this. I feel like he treats me only as a mother of his kids but not as a wife :-( I don't really know if this is really happening in married couples


Hi, its really interesting to hear other perspectives. Ironically, it seems that my feelings are just the opposite of most of the women sharing their feelings here.

I've been married for 6 years now and I feel like my husband and I are just really great friends. We talk to each other about everything and anything, we share the same political beliefs and world views, and I feel like he is my best friend...and only friend for that matter. I care about him deeply and I'm not sure if I can imagine him NOT being in my life. As a husband and companion I honestly could not ask for more. All of this makes it that much more difficult because I have no physical attraction whatsoever. For the longest time, I thought that losing my sex drive was just part of getting older even though I'm only in my 30s. But when I was having to travel often for work, we spent 2 to 3 weeks apart at times and ironically my sex drive returned. But now that I'm not traveling any more, my sex drive is once again MIA.

All the time apart proved that it was not a physical problem, but an emotional or mental problem that I have....what it is exactly I'm still not sure. I don't know if its that I'm just not attracted to him any more, that he's become too available to me, and that I'm wanting someone new in my life. I'm scared that I will totally regret it if I leave....and I don't think I could ever do anything to hurt him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for him to call it quits because he doesn't deserve this.

Lost, I know exactly how you feel. I've been struggling with these feelings too...great guy, best friend, never want to hurt him...but no physical spark. Would be easier if he was a jerk or inattentive...but he loves me to the end. I feel like the jerk because i can't force the desire on my end.

I know how you feel. My situation is exactly the same. I have told mt wife that it breaks my heart that her fear on intimacy is greater than her love for me. This started the first night of our honeymoon. It has been almost three decades.

She chooses every minute of every day to be my roommate versus a lover like is God's plan. It is obvious to other people and I am sure at some level to our children. I pray that this won't be replicated in their marriages.

God is good and this draws me closer to Him. Still, He did not make (wo)man to be alone.

Add a response...

I used to live with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. Sometime he was sweet but a lot of time he treated me so bad. He was sweet just because he wanted something (sex) but then after a couple days he would ignored me. His mood just like a roller coaster. Sometime when we argued, he asked me to moved out from his house. I didn't respond to his comments but I rather ignored it. The longer I stayed in his home the more he hated me and said mean things to me. One day, I was so strong because I had enough with his verbal abuse....I told him that I would moved out. He probably shocked with my statement. He wasn't suspected that.

He was at worked when I moved out. I left a house key and a garage door opener on top of a washer dryer. I was so relief that I found peace in a new place, my apartment.
A couple weeks after I moved out, I received email from him that he was sorry. Three weeks after, another email which I didn't want to reply to all of them. Three months after I left him, he text me and told me he was miserable, missed me and wanted to marry me.

All of you ladies, you must show your abusive and ugly boyfriends or husbands that you don't need him. You would be happy without him. Don't even say ugly words to him but just leave with a smile in your face and feel confidence.

Don't show him your tears or anger. He would like it when you feel unhappy. Reverse it! Trust me.....

I'm in the same boat you are in and we have been together for 8 years and married not even a year yet and I am so unhappy we live together but we don't talk at all and its been like this for a month and I too have tried to talk to him but his only response is I don't know OK how can I live with that and then he tells me he hasn't been happy for 2 years so why did he marry me? I've asked him that and I get I thought it would be different. Really how should it be different?

I too as so tired of trying .
P. D.

I feel the same way with my husband. The only time we talk is during dinner. After dinner, he goes on the Internet to watch his show and I end up doing the same thing. We go to bed at separate time and we sleep in separate room. I think he has ED but will not go to the doctor to check. I want a husband who wants to spend time with me. He doesn't want to do anything with me. He just wants to be on the Internet. If I want to do anything, i do it by myself. I suggest things to do but he always say no. I got into an argument with him and we haven't spoken in 4 weeks even though we live in the same house. I want a better life. This is not what I envision marriage life to be. :(

Every day I regret getting married. My husband has been physically violent since I was pregnant with my now 4 yr old son. Today he told me that if I left he would end up in jail for killing me, and our kids would go to his mother who has racial issues with me and my children. Every day i think about suicide but I know it would forever burden my kids. I'm 26 years old and emotionally worn out, I feel dead inside. I have no where to go or anyone to fall back on. And always go back to thinking of suicide.

With months since your post I sincerely hope you are still staying strong for your children and yourself. You must keep your children, their emotional and psychological well-being at the fore-front of all decisions you make. #1 is to seek out, very discreetly, organizations and programs that help women in your situation safely remove themselves from violent relationships. #2. Trust those who are there to help you and your children put a distance between you and the abusive person. #3. DO NOT allow yourself to believe your spouse that it will never happen again, that they have "changed". This behavior is well ingrained and not likely to change without extensive therapy that they, themselves, have willingly agreed to. #4. Make a plan, know where you can safely go, and realize that the moment that opens up for removing you and your children from the dangerous situation you are in, can come at any time and you must be ready to act quickly and decisively, sometimes with only what you can gather at a moment's time. #5. Once in a safe environment, NEVER permit your emotions to override your sense of security, or insecurity, resulting in going back to this toxic relationship. Don't believe, for a moment, that your abusive partner has changed, it is a recipe for your own destruction, and years of therapy for your children.
I say this out of experience of my own niece's death at the hands of her abusive, estranged husband, whom she thought she had finally gotten herself and her 3 little girls away from. Sadly, when picking up some personal items from her in-laws home, he was there, enticed her to enter the home, and shot her. Later, after picking up the children, he took off, and when surrounded by police, he shot himself in the head, and died one day later.
It takes a tremendous amount of strength and perseverance to remove yourself from an abusive marriage/relationship, with all the emotional baggage that can drag one down, causing major self-doubt, preventing a wife/mother from making that life-saving change. Support is there, if you only reach out!

Please let us know that you are safe now...

i was 19 when i got married and my husband was 30 at that was an arrange marriage totally decided on part of my parents. eventhough i was 19 was not very mature and never thought about all the responsibilities that will come with the relationship which i was not ready for.told my husband that i donot want children coz im not ready and there i was pregnant with a baby boy before my twentieth birthday. most people find it beautiful but it was like a nightmare for me although i do cherish my son but it was very difficult for me to look after him since i didnot have enough patience. went for an abortion when i found out that im expecting but the doctor told me that there are chances that you might not able to conceive later on.after crying for days and night i agreed as i felt grounded and with no option but to yield to the circumstances. my husband was really understanding at the beginning and it was great till first two yrs of our marriage but gradually we distanced. i use to get mad on him for not understanding me while he use to think im still immature and not take me seriously. he got more into friends and started taking drugs and more time out with his friends than me. i founded out about his drug intake about six years after our marriage and was totally in a shock, just couldnt believe it. i told him at the very beginning that i trust people blindly but once anyone break it, it is impossible me to ever regain my trust on them. he broke mt trust. at that point i felt like i have been sharing my bed with a stranger for six whole years. god knows what else he might be hiding more. it was agonising and i struggled for two whole years and still not over it. the fact that he broke my trust was more painful than me finding out that he was taking drugs. more ever i was funloving spontaneous and an extrovert person. my husband use to get excited only with his friends around him and not me. he would rather prefer going out with his stupid ******* friends than with me. his friends got to know anything relating to him before i even find out. infact their wives tell me stuff about him that i never know. its embarassing and frustrating. whats the point of living together as a couple when v dont share anything. tried as i might but he just wouldnt open his bloody mouth. i gave up and stopped associating my happiness from him. realized im responsible for my own happiness. created a wall inside me and donot in anyway let him get pass it. i feel v have a shallow relationship. im not happy with him but im stuck because i do not want my son and daughter to suffer if we attractive and its painful to realize that my husband does not notice me or want to be with me in any way. he would just want to spend time withhis friends and the television or would just sleep. i am 28 with a seven year old son and a daughter of three years of age.i want to travel see the world and enjoy my life to the fullest, earn lots of money where as my husband is not as ambitious as me lazy *** who does not wants to move his butt. has issues with me working and being outgoing and social. sometimes i wonder that i would just leave him but than the thought of my children stop me from taking such measures.

I am in the same boat. My husband hasn't touched me in years and we sleep in different rooms. He has no problem expressing his disdain for me. I ask myself every day why I stay. I think about suicide daily and have taken one of his handguns and keep it in my bedroom at the ready. I asked him how he would feel if he came home to find me dead. His response was to tell me that it would be a blessing. The one thing that keeps me going is the idea of seeing my son graduate from med school in 14 months.

I hope that you were sincere in your post as I am in mine. I have not been married as long as you have, and I have not experienced personally what you have, but believe me when I say I understand the hurt. I don't know what your situation is and I am not going to try to tell you to just walk away. What I am going to say is that it is 0230 in the morning where I am and I found myself not being able to sleep because of how I am feeling towards my spouse right now so I turned to the internet and now here I am.
After reading your post I felt it heavy on my heart to respond to it, i almost didn't because I didn't want to put an email down and then I felt guilty because, if you did decide to go through with suicide, I couldn't forgive myself. It's weird that I am taking it so personally. I have thought about it, but never so seriously and I never threatened my spouse with it. Committing suicide does no good to anyone. Not your husband, not your son, and most of all not you. Your husband may be upset for a minute, for a few months, for a few years, but he will move on and he will find some one else to make him happy. Your son would be missing probably THE most important woman in his life. You most of all, would miss out on your son and the family that he may start (if he hadn't already). You also won't gain anything, you won't see your husband grieve, you won't know how or if he grieves. I don't see what the satisfaction is in that. I will be blunt killing yourself is ballsy but it is very arrogant and selfish. I think you should find your own happiness. Do not wait up for your husband when you'd rather be sleep, don't cook for him if you'd rather be out with your friends for dinner. Extend an invite but don't make him feel obligated or beg him to go if he says no then say see ya later, keep it civil. One thing that I am learning is that I have to find my own happiness, I am getting it slowly but surely, but when he has spent 8 hrs with his friends AFTER his 9-5, I don't get mad anymore because I had a good day too doing the things that I like (surprisingly enough thats when he wants to spend time with me the most; when I am not an option to be around). Maybe after your husband sees you've became your own woman, he'll come around, and if not maybe it is time to walk away. There will always be some one out there to do for you what he won't, some one who will cherish you, someone who will make you feel loved. Don't be scared of that. I hope that you will find good support for your situation (there is always someone out there to help and you don't need to pay hundreds of dollars for sound advice) and that you will find a good solution to move forward with.
God Bless

Hi there, I stumbled accross this site by chance, I just wanted to reach out & say that you deserve to be loved please do all you can to love yourself & do good things for yourself, please consider making some changes it can not be good to be with a man that says such hurtful things. Can you consider finding some good prayer sites to connect with there are a few on the internet & it might sound unbelieveable to you after how you have been treated, but can I say that Jesus & God is real & they know you are there & they do love you more than you could even imagine. Please pray about what you can do to have a happy life & pray that your husband changes that God will change his heart & ask God if it is time you let go & moved on xxx

Please, please don't do this to yourself. You need to understand that this guy is a piece of **** and he doesn't deserve someone as caring as you! Please don't end your life to prove a point to this guy who doesn't deserve it! He's done nothing to be worthy of you sacrificing your life for, all he's doing and has done is hurt you so you need to leave it all behind! Start anew, and don't be afraid to lean on God for support, if you believe in him. It would break my heart to see something like this happen, even if I don't know you.. it's tragic.

I feel the same. I have thoughts of driving off to a remote area and killing myself. I haven't because of my kids. My husband would eventually move on with no problem if I did it, but I know my kids would blame themselves. I'm 26 with a 4 year old and 8 month old. Every day I regret getting married.

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I can't tell you how relieved I am to read this and I apologize for feeling relief through your misfortune. I too feel the same way but my husband is becoming verbally abusive. It's like he's so disgusted with me he wants to tear me down but I'm the one who should be disgusted. How do we get through this for out children?

Hi everyone,Not even sure this post will be read, but I stumbled on your discussion today. There's so much to say and share. I work with men only - men who don't want to be roommates anymore but have clue what you want, need, or are talking about. Yes, we're clueless sometimes.I hope to participate on more recent posts in the future for the purpose of helping you see some things from a man's perspective - as troubling as it may seem! ;^)

Sadly I've been going through the same thing. Been married 14 years. We get along well. But I feel there should be something more. TV seems to be like the other woman. I feel like the third wheel in this relationship. I used to go along with watching TV together early in our marriage. But it got to a point where our lives revolved around TV. Like ooh today is Everybody loves Raymond and other shows. Yay it's Monday Voyager. I needed variety. I used to suggest having a night for board games, and he went along with it maybe 2 times. He said it was boring. One time, I'll never forget it. I set up a backgammon game, and 2 mugs of hot chocolate with whipped cream in the kitchen and invited him to play. It looked so inviting too. He said he didn't want to play it's too boring. I tried to convince him he just refused. I got upset and just threw the hot choc down the drain and went to bed. I gave up. It's just all he wants to do. Sadly our tastes in shows have changed over the years so we don't enjoy much of the same shows. Maybe just a handful of shows we enjoy watching together. So I retreat to my own world either facebook, or watch my own shows on my device. Thankfully we still have a healthy sex life. But I sit here and wonder. Is this it? Is there any "us"? He's a faithful husband, hard working and great provider, and father to our girls. But I wish we could have more. We don't have any deep conversations. Our relationship feels shallow. No quality together time. Even when we go out to eat he ends up on his phone or watching a clip of a vid. I've brought it up but he feels like I'm making a big deal about it. He may be content the way things are but this is not what I imagined marriage to be. Living separate lives together? :(

I feel your pain... I am going through the same thing I feel so lost !

I am facing the same problem ... It's been only 4 years to our marriage now. And my husband has no interest in me at all ... We have had an arranged marriage n hav a 1 yr baby girl ... I feel so dejected at times but my baby's smile makes up ... But for how long can I carry this dead relation... I love him a lot ... More than anything in this world but he never notices me ....he is Not intersted in sex it's been 2 months n still he behaves as though nothing is wrong ... He doesn't talk to me .... Appreciation is a very big word I must say as he has never done that since we got married ... I don't understand how to get out of this situation I want a loving warm married life it what I hav got is a dead relation no communication even no sharing of bed separate rooms .... I don't kno what to do .... Plzzzzzz help !!!!!

It's sad to know that it doesn't get better. I have been working on my marriage for 18 years. Two children, two homes, and a whole lifetime later, it is all the same. From the outside it all seems great. He even brings flowers every Thursday. However, what others do not see is that is he doing what he has learned to do to shut me up, not because he really means it. We are so disconnected. We do not talk other than the mundane things. No depth in our relationship at all. I have to do all the work, inside and out of the bedroom. He never listens. Everytime I start talking about anything meaningful, he walks away. We seem so different in ideas.
I'm doing what we all do stay and endure for the kids, the family, the finances...
I really wish I would have left him earlier. Young wife, listen to the experience ones on this post. Try and try again, give it a year. If it doesn't get better, walk away. Don't waste your life away.

Suzzique your life is identical to my life. It is just amazing that the similarities are are so many. I have finally gotten to the point where you are and just "do me!" To hell with him. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband he just does not excite me like he used to. Other men tell me how gorgeous I am or comment on my outfit or hair. While on the other hand I couldn't buy a compliment from my husband. He was raised stupid! I believe people act the way their parents act. My dad always told my mom how beautiful she was and how much he loves her, so this is what I expect. My husband parents one is an alcoholic and his mother is not lovey dovey, so my husband is not loving either. I don't know where I am in this relationship. I do know that no attention at home leads to women seeking attention from someone that does pay attention. I have been married for 13 years. We have 3 grown men children and one grandson. As you can see I have always been alone. No female campionship at all. Everyone is gone except one. ( I hope he will be gone soon) When the boys are at home we have a great time. When the boys are gone we are strangers. I am sick and tired looking at other couples and see them act as though they are newlyweds and I reflect back to my life and see we act like "roommates". Is he having an affair? Or is he not interested in me anymore? What ever the problem may be I do know that I can't continue like this.

I have been with my spouse for 16 years but married for 2. We have one child and another on the way. Since his mothers passing a few years ago he's changed dramatically. He is always angry, distant, walks around with a chip on his shoulder as if he hates his life or even hates living. Everything is a challenge for him. He's chosen a slow emotional death, not to live for his family. I remind him every day how blessed he is... He has a great life. But he never counts his blessings. He only complains and finds fault with any and everything. We were always a pretty active couple. We enjoyed traveling, going to plays and concerts, romantic dinners. Now he's entertained by Facebook and texting everyone else. He's living a life of denial. He's not the father, husband or man I thought he was. There's a stranger in my house. The only time he plugs himself back in, for a day or two; is when he thinks someone else is interested in me, or I threaten to leave. I'm relatively young, approaching 40 in about two but accomplished, intelligent, funny, out going and beautiful inside and out. I love my family. It's hard to even conceive of dismantling the one this I cherish and protect most. However, I know my worth and at some point in our union he miscalculated my value and I feel like I need to cash out before there are two strangers sleeping side by side. I deserve more, I require more, I'm worthy of more. Being my Spouse does not give him the right to take me for granted. It gives us both the privilege of choosing to showing up every day to be present, supportive, invested and the best we can be for the other who accepted us as their life partner. To wake up and be married everyday is a privilege not an entitlement!

I posted this story in 2009, I feel for all who are it seems in the same boat, Yet im sad that there are so many who feel and are treated the same or worse. I am still with my husband, I am visiting my daughter and her family, my first grandchild, today is my 50th birthday. while i wan to say that my relationship with my husband is great..that everything was worked out, It wasn't. I have been miserable since first posting, I stayed because of financial and not wanting to tear my family up.
There is good news though, I love my husband, he is not perfect and neither am i, What i have done and am still doing is working on myself , because we all know, you cant change another person, they can ONLY change themselves. I decided that at 50 I'm done being miserable, I'm done putting MY happiness into other peoples hands.(my husband my grown at home son) My happiness is up to me and i want the rest of my life to be FUN and joyful..if my husband wants to join me he's welcome to, but if not then we may be together but i am going to live for me despite our problems. So I am working on letting go and living MY life. I have explained this to my husband and that we have one more year to get our life together on track, to start living together and having fun..he is 61 and im 50, its dam time to have fun again. He agrees..and we are slowly learning how to communicate again, its slow and i still get my feeling hurt, he is still insensitive most of the time, but he is trying and I am NOT letting the bad stuff control me, I 'm learning that his actions ARE NOT a reflection of me and he may not value me..but I value im letting go of trying to control the uncontrollable.
If you are new in the relationship that is like my original post, I am not telling you to leave but please consider how much pain you want to live with and how long, get things worked out now ,,before 20 years have gone by and you are a miserable shell of who you used to be. I your spouse will NOT work on the issues..then just remember YOU cant change another person.
If you have been in the relationship long time, like i is hard I don't wan to start all over again.. together or apart however it may turn out, I am changing myself and getting ready to live the rest of my life, I'm going out happy, no one controls how i feel but me, the power is back where it belongs, in MY Hands.
Please keep responding, it has been a comfort knowing how many others are in the same spot and i know it helps to vent, get it out. I am going to continue posting my lifes progress..maybe not in this thread..but I plan to have a lot of experiences to come and what better place to share them.

I am 66 years old and have not had sex for 20 years. Prior to that, it was infrequent and bad. The outside world thinks my husband and I have a perfect marriage, but he is always criticizing me or micromanaging me to the point that I want to cry - or hit him with a baseball bat. I am an otherwise strong woman who, for forty years, held a management position. I do not need to be micromanaged. But, to leave him, there is so much to give up - family gatherings together, our beautiful home, all our friends, and the really important things: pensions, wills, property, grandchildren. I ache for someone who wants to be with me. I will probably stay with him forever, but my advice to all you young women out there is this: it is not going to change, and you don't have to pay with your life. Be brave and get out, even if there's no one else out there. At least you don't have to feel ignored every day.

I have been married as of June this year 24 yrs. Been together over 28 yrs. Did so much through the years with him. Remodel our first car, put up a 8ft fence on Mother's Day for our first hone. Helped repainted nemerous times. He commutes out of state so it's up to me to car me for our hone in the Winter such as shelving etc.
Oh yeah we have 2 daughters one 22 and 15 yrs.
Things were ok up until about a year ago till the oldest had a kud. Now I am being put second jn the marruage. No communication and secrets he holds from me. He has fit the role of husband to her and this child. She moved out at
18 yrs.
It hurts me deeply cause counseling dies not work tried since March of this year even with her She has him whipped financially. He causes this marriage to break and he does not see it. He is the Co Dependent to her and has caused this distance. I am so ready to go.
Can't believe out of all these years we don't have even a joint credit card or checking account in our nane.

This post is old but i thought id add my story. I have being with my partner 3 years. we have one child. My partner treats me like a roommate also. He never compliments me, we sit n spend hours not talking to one another, he don't sleep with me, he don't kiss or hug me, he says that its not important. he goes out hours on end which not even a text! the odd text i do get is '' hey baby u ok''. He does not ever take me out. He says two people don't need to go out. I have talked to him several times to the point now where im the green eyed monster everything just irritates me. He does no wrong as he says and everything is my fault. All i ever wanted was to be loved, treat good but im not good enough for that. I hope all you out there find peace

@johnny. I don't "nag" at my husband. But I have calmly explained how i feel, many times. But after being THE ONLY ONE who initiates ANY KIND of emotional moments for 8 yrs, you get sick of it because it's not right. It's not right that the woman has to do ALL the work in the relationship while the man takes advantage and only responds or acts nice when he needs his pickle polished. It's not right that he works and throws pity parties because his rough day but when you try to tell about your rough day raising TWO kids (or more) and taking care of 4+ ppls dirty clothes, dishes, cooking needs, homework, etc etc til 11pm EVERY NIGHT, all you get is "Well my day was MUCH worse" Wtf is that? It's not about whose day is worse it's about consoling each other. Men should be the ones who go up and grab the wives hands every now and then or a simple "love you" (where they say it FIRST) would be nice. Or complimenting us when we dress up instead of making us ASK you what you think. Why should we bother if the man acts no different. Dressing up is WORK we don't do it for the hell of it. And don't you think these women, including myself have scoured the internet for "How to get your man interested" about a million times. I for one am SICK SICK SICK and FED UP with putting 200% into my marriage only to get back an emotionally lazy, insensitive, un romantic, non adventurous, non fun, anti happy grumpy jerk wad ignoring me half the time and not putting forth ANY EFFORT. Sure he works and supports us, sure he buys food and crap BUT HE WOULD HAVE TO DO THAT EVEN IF WE WEREN'T WITH HIM SO IT DOESN'T COUNT as "love". And I'm confused that they show us all this romance and lies lies lies in the dating stage but once they feel they "have us" like a caught prize deer they mount our heads on the wall and forget about us. I AM NOT A PRIZE TROPHY I AM A DAMNED HUMAN!

Totally love that comnent, "When he needs his pickle polished". That's the ONLY time he comes in the bed to sleep with me. sometimes at 3am

Well after 30 years I feel like we merely co exist. Not sure either one of us are willing to even try anymore. Im still trying to get a kid thru college and we just had our 1st grandchild. So family to me is a high priority. He would rather hang out with his motorcycle club(gang). And going to this rally and that rally, would not surprise me if he had a **** on,the side. Ain't sure i really care, as long as he keeps is trash away from our family!

What's the solution? Shut up at home and gripe on blogs? Try harder? Give up?

I feel like the only time there is affection in my marriage is when I initiate it. Even then if I initiate sex I get blown off. He made a comment once that it was more attractive when I was more confident, but it's hard to be confident when your partner is ambivalent. If I don't try he doesnt, so am I supposed to try harder or accept that 'he's just not that into me?' I'm 29, do I cut my losses and bail?

I feel the same way but what's worse we have only been married for a little over a year what happen what did we do

It is the same for me. We have been married for a year and a half. We don't share the same bedroom, talk, or share activities together. I am happiest when I am away from home. I don't want to be a roommate. I had hoped to be loved, valued, and cherished. I am very tired of living like this.

I feel the same way too.

Same here. Now reading all these messages makes me wonder if this kind of marriage is common.

Sad, but nice to know that I am not alone in having a roommate for so many years. I use to think it was just the stress of having busy lives and raising children, but we have been empty nesters for several years now and only in our 40's. I tried talking with him about our problems, but as far as he is concerned there are not any. I too have asked myself the same question- why don't I leave if I am so sad and lonely? For me, it took realizing that I was hurting more feeling this lonely with him then I would be by myself. Our lease is up in a few months and I am moving out on my own. He is not taking the news well, but I need to move on. It is hard when one is so comfortable in their current situation, but I feel like I have lost myself as the years have gone by. I hope each of you discovers what you need to find yourself again and experience the joys that life has to offer. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

I am at the point.....I have worked sooooo damb hard in the relationship...invested so many of my 28 years with him. I need to live the rest of my years being fulfilled for myself. ....
He obviously has not done it. I have been raising my two babies, changing diapers, late night feedings,school meetings,doctor visits,etc. Now they are older.
Now is MY TIME to do what we haven't done as a couple to do for MYSELF.

It is amazing to read all of this stories and realized that that a lot of marriges are dealing with the same roommate. I have been married for 14 years and I made the mistake to stay with my spouse all of this years without children. I resent him a lot for it, and he is not one ot talk to me. My question to everuone is Why is everyone still married, when one is so unhappy, sad, ect? Why not leave this miserable life we are having?? Every day I struggle with that question and everyday I have a wonderful excuse. All I know is that i am becaming better and unable to enjoy life, I am to busy complainting / thinking why am I still here? I am not happy that everyone here is living this way, however I don't feel like I am the only idiot that agrees to have a roommate vs a partner, friend, husban.

Well I think the reason why nobody leaves is because when they got married they made a sacred vow to one another to stay married through good times or bad. And if your unhappy ladies do something, and just bringing it up isn't going to cut it. They say that the men are "Head of Household" but in really, it's the women that lead the way in a relationship. The woman in the family needs to put her big girl panties on and make that husband of yours do counseling a retreat, read the bible, talk to a pastor, and even pray about and for your marriage. And once you get him on board, he'll listen, follow and eventually take over as a real man with all his stuff together. And you've exhausted every single option there is out there and he doesn't want to change or still doesn't care, then you can leave the relationship knowing that you did everything in your power to make it work. Good luck out ladies, I'm rooting for ya!!!

I've did the Church, Counseling (he walked out), almost everything. So drained and numb. Have to focus on myself. GOD WILL PROVIDE

Sometimes in life you find someone to actually be COMFORTABLE with. That is all. To share the burden of the bills. Share a meal and maybe conversation. That's it. Financially if bills are paid.. it's comfortable to keep them getting paid
That it.

Hello fellow roommates!
I was led to believe that it was just me and I wanted too much. It has been 15 years together and 13 years together, blended family of 5 children. Reading your posts just ensures that they are getting away with no affection, no sex, no input, no planning and just making me feel as If I am important enough. It is tic for tac in our marriage. How is that I am feeling this way. I just want my buddy back and because I am getting him, I a fussing and getting upset.

It does have a effect on your life.Man/Woman.I for one didn't want to admit it. I always was the one who put on the happy face for everyone. But after while I got tired of getting up grabbing my happy face mask and putting it on. The lady waas right it does have a affect on our emotional well being. I had some one make a remark to me just the other day."You dont laugh like you use to where did your sense of humor go to". Another example was; I had my tarot cards read. The man had told me I had a male ghost around you. He always would yell as you But all he really wanted was your happiess.<br />
That blew me away because I never had one say that to me before. This made me wake-up even more. But the sad part is. I dont have a good job. I have a daughter with special needs and I have cancer, so I need the heath ins. So I'm stuck. Which add to the pot. But I have been trying to go to school to get out. After I write this I will go and take a walk by the time I get back he will have the bed room door close and I will spent the rest of the eveing by myself. I know I'm just tried mind and body. <br />
Like someone said you just give-up. Monday will come once more and i will go to work making pretend I'm so happy. My family if you wonder there not real supported they know But.

I also have a roommate...<br />
We have been together for 12 years, married for a year.<br />
It has been a hard work troughout as my husband 'lives to/for work'.<br />
He works long hours, mainly nights, but that has never been an issue as we have learned to work around it.<br />
Every couple of years he gets moved to another place and I say, ok, as seeing him 'happy' - I think-I will be happy too...<br />
Then he gets stressed with new people at work, with new position, with new issues, sorting everything out- and then he drinks...<br />
So he works and drinks and sleeps and works....<br />
Im 'gently' at first, approaching the issues that WE have- he dismisses that as a 'drop in an ocean of HIS problems' (work).<br />
So I go on....<br />
Then I try again, less gently-you need more work and life balance, you are not getting propper sleep as you drink, you feel like crap when you wake up... (I leave out- "what about ME?")<br />
This goes on for months and I start to loose it, I get so emotional it affects all aspects of my life.<br />
I'm staying strong for him but deep inside I'm screeming- "do you see me??? I'm here!"<br />
Then there is an improvement- he stops drinking, work is less stressfull for him, he touches me more often and yes, we make love...<br />
But sadly it doesn't last for long as again....we are moving...<br />
It will be 8th time this time and sadly, he is still immersed in his work and drink and sleep and am I going to cope this time? Without any ligh at the end of the tunnel? Knowing very well that there will be at least another 9 months of 'nothingness'....

Wow! Maybe we should form a club of some kind --lol. My roommate and I have been married 27 years and for the past seven years I have been living this life. Like many of you, I am so lonesome and sad. I thought about an affair, I thought about divorce, and I have tried to talk things over with him. He blames me for everything, starting each statement with "You always --" or "You never --" then he gives me the silent treatment for a few days. He is impotent, by the way, and that is my fault, too, because I insisted that -- 26 yeras ago -- that we move to a town without "decent doctors." I have suggested counseling. At first he agreed, then I found out that he meant just for ME as I was the one with all the problems and that he would not go. I am 51 and I feel as if I need to resolve this somehow, as I do not wish to "start over" with someone else. We have a 13 year-old-son, BTW, so there is that consideration as well.

For me it been 30 years. We hardly talk, and it we do.Its usually about the little things that have to be done. I have had the affair.Yes he gave me happniess but I knew in time things had to end. I knew just like some wrote on here you have to change things in your life. I always was the person who put other people first.Yes that was mu husband at the start. I would had done anything for him. Now I'm not saying he didn't do thing at the start of out married tooo. But afterwards things started to change I was the one holding up both ends. I would go inot the bedroom where he sits all the time does he need anythings. Once in awhile he might ask me but usally he just go right to his bedroom. Years later I have put me #1. Sometimes after you do what you can to save the marrige you need to start changing sides.
Would you like to know what I'm doing now sitting here on the laptop while he in his bedroom looking at the window afterwhile he will turn on the T.V and I get fess-up and take a walk. Because if I dont I too will get sad.

That's sometimes after a while after done everything to save the marrige you need to start changing sides. what I mean by that is doing the things you like and the hell with eveyone else.

I feel your pain my life sounds pretty,much like yours. We have been married 30 yrs, and in the last yr we have had separate bedrooms. Im still trying get a kid thru college, and our daughter has giving us a beautiful baby grandson. Family is important to me. He friends are more important to him or so it seems. We co exists, somedays r better than others.

I too live with a roommate. We have been married almost 3 years. We don't sleep in the same room (he claims its because our child wakes up at night and he would just rather sleep in there). He comes home and gets on his laptop. <br />
I'm tired of being alone. I'm too young for this. I want to have a husband again. I am so unhappy and need help.<br />

I too understand you. I too am young. I am only thirty two years old. I sleep in a seperate room. If I don't have money to go places that he wants to go then I have to stay home. If we do anything together that includes mony I have to wash his car or truck or pay him back etc. It is never indeed in good terms with him. I also pay him rent. He calls it rent money and he says that our deal is to iron his pants.
I have a child that no longer lives with me b/c of grades and how he treated her and how he treats me still. I called the cops last week b.c he said he was coming home after Kroger. He never did and got worried so I called them and they searched for places I thought he could be. He came one a m drunk. I called the cops back saying he is home drunk. I worried sick and he nver cared how I feel. Knowing I have lost custody of my little girl and was hurting that night. He said he was tired of my depression.
It just gets worse when I tell you more. I thought I was in this alone. I still am b.c none of you are close to communicate with or to go out as a friend date. He took away my only friend I had here. He threatened her and her family if she didn't leave me alone. Now after he got rid of her. He goes out and stays on his cell phone all day and night.

I had no idea that so many people lived my life! My husband and I have been married 18 year, we love each other but it just isn't enough. We do nothing together and I do mean nothing. He is up and out of the house for work before I get up, we both work full time jobs and he is home hours before I am. When I get home, I make dinner for us and our kids. Him and I will be in the same room but we don't talk to each other, we either watch TV in silence or play on our lap tops. Its been like this for well over a year or two. We might be in the same room but I've never been so lonely in my life. I'm 40 years old and I shouldn't long to be touched and I don't mean just sex, which by the way we don't have....I can't even tell you the last time we had sex. I don't even try anymore, it hurts so bad when he just rolls over or just plan tells me no. I do not blame just him, I blame me also...we have both let this go on for so long and now its just the way our life is. However, I need to leave I just don't know how to do it. I'm so mad all the time and I'm so tired of being alone. Its nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Your not alone. For example,I'm on the laptop and he sitting in his room just looking out the window.Nice life right. Lonely oh yes many times I walked and look at other couple having fun,then just turn my head.Because I just could stand it anymore. I can say for one thing I had tried

"its just the way our life is" so true.

You are not alone

Suzzique I hope things are better for you sweetie. You are in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs and Love from me and mine to you and yours*

I can somwewhat relate to your situation . My question is are we supposed to keep trying or give up? Im so confused.

Nutshell: While in a relationship, there are a lot of needs that must be met in order to have desire for and a safe environment for physical intimacy. When it's a new relationship, there are fewer requirements - it's easy; but the further in and more committed, there are more. <br />
<br />
For example, each partner needs to feel that they are valued. A major way we fail to do this is being lazy and just not communicating appreciation for what our partner does. They feel dismissed and devalued. Who wants to have sex with the person who doesn't value you? I know I don't.

My husband and I have been married for over a year now. He has been married before and so have I. When we fell in love it was magic, love at first sight. He could not keep his hands off me, we were touchy feely constantly. Now things have changed dramatically, he does not touch me, or like to have any type of affection. A quick peck on the cheek before he goes to work, is about all i get. I realize his job is very stressful, working long hours, and wants to relax when he gets home. He jumps on his computer and sits in front of the thing for hours and hours, sometimes i catch a glimps of what is on the screen, and I am shocked as to what i see. I wish he would hug me or kiss me, i am dying inside as I am a very affectionate person, and always will be. <br />
He and I have grown apart the past few months, we are like roomates, he is cold hearted and has not interest in holding his wife. Sex is almost absent now, unless I initiate it, and even then, it is not like it used to be.<br />
My previous marriage was physically abusive, sometimes I wonder which is worst. A physically abusive man or a man who does not show affection is like i am being punished for something! I do know if things don't improve I am going to leave, I cannot live without affection.<br />
Thanks for listening,<br />

Saw this story for the first time and I live what you described in this story. <br />
<br />
I want a divorce, asked for a divorce and my spouse wants to "fix things up"....<br />
<br />
My stores, all tell the tale that you know well. <br />
<br />
I am lonely <br />
Sometimes I feel like I am dying<br />
I do not like being in the same space as him with no communication<br />
<br />
No spiritual connection<br />
No physical connection<br />
No smiles<br />
No hugs<br />
No kisses<br />
No touching<br />
<br />
If this is a happy marriage then I will become a NUN

I am so sorry!! I can't give you advice, but I can tell you I was there - I lived this. And it hurts SO much. You miss the best friend - and your heart aches. I wish you the best - try talking ... if your situation was anything like mine, it won't work, but at least you can say you tried. Good luck.

He walks around the house sing because thats his way with coping with things. He at least listens to you and acts as he don't care. There is no answer for you. All couples feel the way you do. Sometimes they have affairs and sometimes they divorce.<br />
<br />
Find something for you both to do like walks and Jigsaws. Give him a rest from the nagging but tell him the great things that happen in your life.<br />
<br />
Grap his hand when you can and just look at him allow him to feel what you feel.