Grumbling a Little, Over the Endless Absense of Love

Darn it!  I have had some bad experiences in this category, that have left me wondering "Is it really worth all the bother?"  Time and again, I've noticed a woman, or become friends with one.  After a few months of increasingly good conversations, laughter, and sharing, I start to notice how attractive she is.  I mean, I noticed she was attractive before.  This is different, however:  I can't seem to help noticing her now; my attention lapses more; I want to look at her. 

This is soon followed by intimate thoughts, skittering around my head and avoiding the common-sense mouse-traps I've set for them.  It's a matter of time before I've fallen in love.

That's as far as it goes, however.  Pardon the bad expression, but when I toss her the ball, she doesn't pick it up. 

I find it very challenging, first of all, to put my feeling into words.  If I dare, she reacts as if I've offered an iron-clad guarantee she'd survive going over Niagra Falls inside a rain barrel:  a big, super-thrilling plunge; and wouldn't it be the most incredible story to tell your friends about!  In the end, however, she's just not willing to take that chance. 

And all the warm feelings in my heart?  The daydreams about going for walks together, holding hands, talking over coffee, and enjoying each-others company?  They're all dashed upon the rocks.  I let my fingers get slammed in the car door, yet again.

It ends up feeling like such a waste of energy.  I wind up losing faith in myself, wondering why I can't be a better person, and thinking there must be something wrong with me -- not the rest of the world, just me -- which kept the woman from feeling the same way about me as I felt about her.

This isn't hypothetical.  It's happened to me three times in the last two years.  I recently had that experience again, when a co-worker I'd developed a good rapport with turned down an invitation to do lunch.  After she said "no," I decided to let the whole matter drop, before climbing back into the hamster wheel. 

If this is what's referred to as having a crush, it sucks.

Okay.  Okay.  I hear everyone say that you don't fool around with co-workers.  Well, I haven't, so far. 

I'm not some predatory monster, you know!  Of course, try to say that and people turn and run the other way anyway.

I guess I'm frustrated and discouraged.  Not all the time, or even consciously.  It's kind of a back-burner thought.  I'm actually a self-confident, well-blanced man.  I'm not looking for anything to help prop me up, or to increase my status.  Regarding love, however, I can't seem to help myself out of this nagging, never-ending bind.  Whine whine whine. 

I know, folks.  I know:  All I can do is try again; don't lose confidence; believe and have faith in myself.  I'm not asking anyone to pull a rabbit out of the hat for me.  I'm just grumbling a little, about how discouraging this gets sometimes.

UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
6 Responses Jun 23, 2009

I totally feel your pain. <br />
<br />
I feel like a fool for the goofy romantic things that just ... never happen. <br />
Oh, and the "All you can do" part? Giving up *is* an option. Give it some time, though, first.<br />
For what it's worth, my deadline is sometime in the next six years. Possibly much sooner. <br />
<br />
After that, I'm taking my ball are going home! <br />
<br />
Good luck.

No worries, you're not whining.

Thanks for your comments, Vanessa. I know what you're saying about being hit between the eyes when you aren't looking for it. Unfortunately, this isn't as easy to flick off as a light switch. Oh-oh. I'm going to start whining again . . .

I hear you Eli, it certainly it sounds like you have all the tangibles to be able to obain whatever it is you are looking for. For the most part, the harder one looks for love, the more she hides. Usually it happens when you don't look for it, when you are not expecting it, and then BLAM, she smacks you right between the eyes. Grumbling is all it is, there is someone out there for sure, she just hasnt met you nor you her. I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness in whatever it is that you strive for. Bye.

Thank-you, WynHaven. This is the first time I've brought this up in I don't know how long? Seemed like a good place to be open about it, though. I don't want counselling, of course, simply a sympathetic ear.

Thank-you, Wildlily. Don't take it the wrong way, but I'm not holding my breath. You know, it isn't that big a deal. I prefer not to complain too much about my issues, but this one is just a constant thorn in my side. One of these days I'm going to have to get off my butt about it, too, while I still can.