Share Your Story. Okay

Here we go.

I went through 9 pretty brutal years of infertility. It's no picnic, wanting so deperately to have a child and to be denied by fate. And it was fate. There was never anything definitively found to be "wrong" with either one of us. Did you pick up on that part? We were a finacialy stable married couple. Insurance didn't cover any of these treatments back then. We spent every cent we had on trying to get pregnant--every cent.

Then one day I saw a Newsweek cover story that talked about how low the statitics actually were for in-vitro at the time. That would have been the final attempt for us, and it wasn't looking good, and we didn't have the $10,000. We would have had to mortgage the house. So after reading the Newsweek story, I collapsed on the floor because it had become clear to me that it was not going to happen for me. It was over. I had to move on. I grieved for a year for the baby that I would never have.

Then we were ready to adopt. But we had spent all of our money on infertility treatments and we were broke, so we adopted children through foster care--through the State of New Jersey. We have A LOT of children in need here, so it made sense to us.

It was however, far from easy. We took a 15 month old bi-racail child, and then we took a 9 year old and then because I desperately wanted an infant, we took a heroin addicted, 2 month old with a cleft palate. She had been left laying in an inner city hospital for the entire 2 months of her life, so her head was misshapen and that too would need to be corrected.

I cared for her myself with no help from anyone as the state at the time under McGreevey was in complete disarray, especially The Department of Human Services. It was a mess, but we prevailed. Adoptions took years to finalize though. And one day, the then 15 year old made a claim against us saying she had been abused (a common tactic, actually) because she was insanely jealous of the new baby.

The state came one day and took the baby from me. I had had her for 13 months. My children were now 15 and 7. We never saw the baby again although we fought for a year to get her back. The 15 year old went back to live with a foster sister. She had had attachment disorder and had never bonded with us and was bent on hurting me, her adoptive mom while her real mom sat in prison.

The then 7 year old is now 13 and in a very bad way emotionally. She will leave us also ultimately.

After grieving 2 years over the loss of 2 daughters I went to a fertility clinic at 40, because now my insurance would cover 3 tries with in-vitro and I was more desperate than I had ever been before. We needed to heal as a family. My intent was to use a donor *****. I was healthy and they could not find a problem with me. It was a go.

Then one day during a conversation with a nurse I let it slip that I had had a baby taken from me--I told her what had happened and I started crying--I still do when I talk about it. I'm crying now.

The whole process of in-vitro at this highly regarded infertility center was shut down for me--they told me that I was a very high risk not only because of my age, but mainly because of my mental state and of the loss that I had experienced. They did not think that I could emotionally handle the rigors and the likely disappointments that in-vitro would entail. And it was SO expensive and such a difficult process that basically, I did not fit the profile of a successful candidate. I ran out of there sobbing and never looked back.

We mortgaged the house and adopted a baby privately--$25,000.

We did move on as a family, but we never healed. I will never heal. I cope.

So...Dear Octuplet woman,   Yes, I would have to say that, well, without mincing words, I resent the **** out of you and your herd, and your irresponsible doctors and your family and anyone else who thinks that it is okay to do what you did when there are so many children in need and families in financial crisis.

NO ONE here or anywhere will be able to make a case to me about the sanctity of life and birth and rasing children. I know about that. I know a little about that. And she never should have been allowed to do what she did. It is criminal.  

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3 Responses Feb 27, 2009

I dont think its justified in venting at Nadya Suleman because you cant have children..thats just the luck of the draw.....your story is very very sad.............its a stupid system.<br />

The people I know that took in 10 yr old Thai twins treated them like renting tenants rather than fondly fostering them. The were not experienced parents yet (with their own 2 yr old) and exploited the system completely solely for $$$. <br />
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And I understand fostering to be a step in the adoption process, though it doesn't always work out that way. I am sorry your experiences were so rough in all areas. <br />
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We've been together 11 years and neither of us had any desire or intention to procreate, for so many various reasons. I get it that some married couples feel desire to, but no one is entitled to, if they have any responsibility to society or the planet. If nature says no, try adopting. Your circumstances may have been very different in another state. <br />
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I was trying to be sympathetic and understanding. I had not an iota of meaning to upset you or saying the wrong thing.

Oh Nora, I am so sorry for all you endured. No doubt the system for adoption needs improvement. Maybe (no judgment here) other less needy kids were available (if you didn't have to hold on to getting an infant)? Desperation is not a solid basis from which to start a family.<br />
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My friends did IVF for 5 years till they couldn't anymore. It cost them $150,000 plus all that was covered already by insurance, another several hundred thousand. A year after they gave up, they got pregnant. 18 months later pregnant again (and his mom had been a twin, skipped his generation) then they had twins!<br />
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I agree with your comment, all of it is criminal. I send you hugs. I wish you could foster a few of Nadia's brood. They'd be much better of with you.