Why Did I Do That?

I went to the fair the other night and had a few beers, in fact it turned into a few too many.  I did not get stinking, falling down drunk but I did have a pretty good 'buzz' so to speak going.  It has been three years since I last had anything more than one beer a week and truthfully I was feeling good, feeling mellow, then all the sudden I had an epiphany that nearly brought me to my knees.  I realized what a complete and utter fool I was making of myself and more than that realized that the people I was with, people who I had thought were my friends, were only bringing me down by encouraging this behaviour.  I realized that the person whose love I want more than anything in this world would have been utterly disgusted with me, that any decent woman would have been disgusted with me.  Moreover, my friend's deplorable behaviour with a stranger in line just behind us drove home the point that I was hanging around with people who brought me down.  I left ten minutes later as my disgust boiled over into a deep rage, anger at myself mostly for being such a fool.  I will never, never touch any mind altering substance again so long as I live as I have never felt so soiled, so rotten, as I did that night when I came to that realization.
FranzJosef FranzJosef
26-30, M
3 Responses Jul 23, 2007

I just had the same experience. For the first time I realized I didn't trust myself to go out and behave in a respectful manner ....I knew what I should have done to not feel this way and I completely ignored it and did exactly what I didn't want to and now I have these overwhelming feelings of regret.shame and I am completely disgusted w myself. N saddened that I can't trust myself to make the right decision when I go out w my friends.

The same thing happens to me a lot! After it happens I feel like I have to hide at home for a long time. And I am usually filled with anxiety and feelings for depression. I live alone and when I drink to excess it only makes me feel more lonely and isolated. God Help Me.....

I've been feeling the same lately, whenever I drink I feel embarrassed with my surroundings, the people I'm with, and feel an insane amount of guilt for the feelings I would cause in people that care for me.