Disgusting I Am

My torso is just one big blob of fat. And I do mean BIG. I feel like I'm wearing all of the food I've eaten the past 20 years. It's so gross. And if that's not bad enough, my legs have to have problems of their own and be ballooned up like watermelons. I really make myself sick when I think about it. I'm so disgusting that it hinders my ability to go out and do anything. And even if I could, why would anyone want anything to do with a monster like me? The answer is they wouldn't. I'm so disgusting even, it's probably beyond the point where anything can be done about it. So I'll just stay locked away for eternity like any good beast. Of course, the Beast usually gets his Beauty. But that's why it's called a fairy tale.

Trapt Trapt
18-21, M
10 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Even if you did get your Beauty,that would not last very long.You need to love yourself,otherwise you have no chance in this ugly world.How about taking the first step to bettering yourself?I have an extra 10 kilos too and I decided to lose them for ME and not all the shallow losers out there.Do it,do it for you and nobody else.Do it so you can walk out there in the world with your head held high.

Depression is a hole that only you can dig your way out of.<br />
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There are also surgical options to end once and for all, over eating. There are risks, but if you don't do what the docs say you should not do, you will drop the weight. It is called a lap band. I am sure you know about it.<br />
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If you really want to stay heavy, then don't do anything. But if you do, figure out a way, that is progressive and not dangerous. Meaning anything to drop weight fast is probably not safe.

No need to apologize, AG.

I don't think it's sick. There's no shame in finding comfort where others cannot. Even if it's fleeting...consider the alternative? I think it's acceptable for the mind to protect itself from possibly harmful forms of motivation. Self-loathing is bottom of the barrel for reasons to improve oneself, in my opinion anyway.<br />
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Finding motivation isn't always easy, so don't worry about it. Why not just start small...do some chores outside once a day...take a short walk in the mornings and nights before bed, if you have a dog they usually make good walking buddies :P<br />
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You might just enjoy yourself :)

I absolutely got your point, Overture. I was just asking if me or you says we want something, but don't go after it, means we don't really want it, why the hell would we not want it?! I guess Antigravity kind of answered that question, but how sick is that?<br />
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And sorry, Antigravity, but encouragement from someone you barely know on the internet just doesn't really cut it. Thank you, though.

I hope you didn't miss the point I was trying to make...lol<br />
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As for me...I punish myself sometimes. I still don't really understand most of it...But it's an unrelated story.<br />
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I was just trying to say that thinking we want something proves itself a lie if we don't actively try to achieve it.

Why would someone not want to be happy?

I had quite a few experiences with counselors when I was in high school. A question that popped up several times was "Do you want to be happy?" Every time I was asked this, I dismissed it as a stupid question because I honestly believed that everyone innately wanted to be happy. I never gave it any thought.<br />
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The truth was I didn't want to be happy. I didn't even realise it. The clues were there, it must have seemed obvious to others around me. I thought I wanted to be happy, but I never did anything to even try accomplishing it.<br />
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It's a cliché, but actions speak louder than words.

"If you really want to improve your health, there are plenty of people willing to help"<br />
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I think I do, but then I don't try to do anything about it. Or if I try, I give up quickly. I don't know why subconsciously I wouldn't want to get better, but if that's the case, I don't know how to change it.<br />
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I don't know where all these people are to help though. Obviously my willpower is nil, so if I try to do something and have no backup, it's pointless. My family wants me to get better too, but they don't really want to put any work either or aren't capable of it.<br />
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As far as professionals, that's another issue. Maybe one day I'll be able to get that kind of help, but they can only do so much.

Death is the only point in life where things are beyond change. If you really want to improve your health, there are plenty of people willing to help :)<br />
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Don't call yourself disgusting.