Breaking The Cycle For My Son

My mother's side of the family is dysfunctional and I think it stems back to at least 3 generations in my family, really couldn't tell you beyond that, just kids growing up with poor interpersonal relationships with their parents so they developed personality disorders like narcissism and borderline personality disorder. My father divorced my mom because she has psycotic episodes and tried with all his might to get custody of me, but back then they always thought what was best for the child was the child's mother.

So I was raised by a grandma that beat me for no good reason and a mother who waivered in her moods that you didn't know what to expect so if you ever had plans to tell her news you felt like it would take you a week to prep for telling her anything. I don't think I really noticed my moms dysfunctions until I was an adult because my grandma was so much worse, I use to wake to that woman beating me. Would be sick with a serious illness where the doctors sent me home from the hospital to be on bed rest but she'd have me up serving her coffee. When her physical abuse stoped when I was about 14 (I threatened to not just tell my mom who did nothing, but my father) she continued with the emotional abuse I was never good enough.

I got pregnant when I was 20 by a guy who wanted no part of the pregnancy, my family deemed I wasn't ready to be a parent and I was ruining my life and insisted on me getting an abortion. My friend let me come stay with her and my family turned their rage on my friend treating her as if she was the one that got me pregnant and that she better insist to me that I get an abortion. My father learned of my pregnancy so i went to go stay with him. Once I passed the point of being able to get an abortion some suggested I put my son up for adoption while my mother accepted what was about to come.

I will admit I did things that caused my mother further pain, which most with normal mental health would of got over espically if they knew I had a problem and tried to help me. My mother was stuck in her own pain that she just couldnt help me, infact she was so mean and bendictive she wanted others to know I hurt her and build sympathy for herself by telling them what I did. However when they didn't respond with sympathy for her, but concern for me she got enraged and emotionally attacked me saying I enjoyed being molested as a child and I should tell my therapist that. My dad refused to allow her to call his house, my dad has been the person I turned to for every emotional crisis I have dealt with.

Things have always been bad in my moms family that I wanted to get away from them, so when my son was 4 I moved out of state with my friend. Things were going great until she got pregnant, my son is autistic and needs lots of help and she just couldnt help me the way she orginally planned because now her family was starting so with much grievence I returned to my home town. To a mother who continuelly said see i told you it wouldnt work and told me to never desert her again.

When I returned my mom had a boyfriend, looking at him i knew something was wrong he was missing a lot of his teeth they just looked rotten and he drank a lot.I didn't really notice much about my mother following suit at least not in the begining. 2 years after returning I met the man I was going to marry, he was someone who I could count on who I feel I owe a lot to my mental well being and happiness, he knew there was a problem with my family but he never gave up on me and even went and sat through therapy with me. I hid nothing about myself and still he loved me.

My mom didn't like him she would tell me he was ugly,that I was going to have all sorts of problems with him, and when I told her he asked me to marry him not congratulations but how can he afford a ring? was asked. My mother called DCF on us and just would fight non stop till I decided she wouldnt see my son if she couldnt get along.

As time progressed in my relationship with my husband, I watched my mom fall more apart. My mom drinks and drives and on numerous times has done so with my family in her vehicle, her personality/ behavior has seen serious disturbances where I often am asked by others is your mom on drugs and now i believe them as she asked me to do a drug test for her for her job and claimed she had smokled pot and couldnt pass it, but her mood suggest someone who is on cocaine as she is overly giddy.

She goes back from lying to me about taking meds for her depression, she is in denial about having a problem and no matter what I say or do I feel like I can't win, I can't get her to get help, and I just cant allow my son to follow the same legacy, she has instilled guilt so well that often I have to be reminded my reason for cutting my mom son because he deserves better and I tried being better than I was raised. I broke myself free of the cycle but I guess what confuses me is the fact that despite how problematic my moms life is and her refusal to get better I still love her, she is my mom and she was never as bad as her mom.

However I can't deny her issues, I'm tired of the way they treat me, don't want them trying to do the same to my son which I have seen them try and i just dont think i should have to live guarded in my emotions. The story and list of problems could go on forever as I have been a part of this family for 33 years. I put my son first, I have made sure not to repeat the same mistakes, but releaving my son of the same burdens of my childhood means walking away from the emotionally destructive people in my family. I want my son to know being him is good enough, I love him no matter what, and I respect who he is and what he wants for his life.
mm97 mm97
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

I had to disown my father's family. I was the second generation harmed. My father lost his life at twenty years old, and I was sexually molested several times over six months of time when I was only three years old. Dysfunction can damage lives. I applaud you for doing something about it.

Which let me say what started the process of disownment is my great grandma passed last year and shortly after I disowned my narcassist grandmother. I was 7 months in to not speaking to her, my husband had been in a horrible car accident where he had head trauma, he had to have surgery for that as well as a bowel resection from the seatbelt pushing into his abdomen. I must of called my mom 8 times and texted her about 3 to tell her what is going on she calls me back later that evening as they are placing him in icu after both surgeries sounding pissed that i called her so many times not asking if everything was ok.she came the next morning, saw him said she was sorry i was going through that though she wasnt tearful, then the next day decided to fight with me about my relationship with my grandmother. she has been argueing with me for the past month, posting rants that she is my mother superior and i better submit to her and after 1 arguement she tried to pretend to be her boyfriend texting me like she went off to kill herself while posting on facebook she wanted to go live in cinderellas castle at disney world. then when she emails me i cant make out a thing she is trying to say just 1 or 2 sentences make sense the rest is jibberish which makes me think she is on drugs. not to mention the man she is with has a drug and alcohol problem and went to jail for it and she let him come back to her.