How Do You Stop Loving Any Way?

It is clear that for whatever reason, beyond my control, that my ex-wife chose not to be married to me any longer. I still work with her, and my heart melts each and every time I see her in the morning. I guess my point is, even though she has rejected me, started seeing an old flame right away, has been honest to the point of brutality, and wants a lot of space between us, I would still do anything for her. Her appearance is still angelic to me, I love to hear her on the phone, I got the chance to rescue her from being broken (automobile trouble) down in a parking lot the other night and it made my day. I know I am dealing with some codependent behaviors and identity issues along this journey, but true love it was. I was enamored with her brilliance and beauty for three years before there was ever a chance of "we" and after 8 years of a wonderful relationship, I am right back where I started. She obviously does not feel the same way, so it feels very unfair for me to still be so dedicated in my heart. I know I have to get beyond this, but my question is. How do you deal with the place she holds in your heart and ever be fair and equitable to another. I think it will never be the same, but I hope for as good, the problem is, I'm afraid of what I might do in the future, were she to ever call on me. I was afraid I would spend the rest of my life missing her when I thought there was no chance, and now I am afraid again. Maybe she is magic, maybe she is my kryptonite. I still adore her as much as ever. Is this real, am I an emotional sucker, can you fall out of love with the one and only? They say time heals, I wish I had a fast forward button. I'm afraid she will always be my beautiful angel.

qcr1971 qcr1971
13 Responses Sep 7, 2009

This is quite late, but I completely resonate with your sentiments. My wife of almost 4 years (but we were together for over 10) decided she wants a divorce on Christmas eve. For the past few weeks i have tried to convince her to try, counselling, separation anything really but not divorce. But she is adamant and has left our home. To make things worse she is leaving the country and is most likely to take our 8 year old son with her. To top it off, i was diagnosed with depression a year ago and lost my job a few months later. I still love her and i am not sure why she left. The reasons she gave dont make sense because she is bringing up old issues, bit I suspect she found someone else. She admitted to having an a affair recently and said she broke it off but i know she didnt. Now i am home alone struggling to deal with all of this. I love her and want her back. I dont know what to do and how to do it. I am lost and confused. Most days i cant even make it out of bed. I fear i might harm myself if i leave the house.

Im a bit late in the piece but have some advice and would like some. I was married for 20 years. We have 3 great kids, 16-22 now. I have been divorced 4 and half years. She met a bloke a year after we split up, so she never did anything wrong. It destroyed me. Long story short, I did some bad things, drinking, slept with some women, got slack at my job (and Im a senior leader in a big organisation). But I did some things right. I travelled alot with my kids on holidays, Asia, Europe, Africa. I shared experiances with them that are invaluable. I made the divorce easy, paid for everything and never argued about anything money or property wise. But my exwife was fair too, even going back to work when she really didnt have to (for the social development mostly I think). I never treated her new boyfriend badly, never spoke ill of him to the kids (they dated for 3 years and are in some kind of casual thing now, that still upsets me thinking about it, but I dont think about it much these days). And I moved half way around the world a year ago to give us more space. She did some bad things too. She harassed all of the women I dated if she got close enough to know of them. She bullied me on social media, by phone and text. in 246 messages in one month. But she did some good things too. She never caused trouble during the divorce. Shes never put pressure on me financially, even forgoing child support for a couple of months when I had a cashflow problem. And shes always continued to look over and see my elderly parents making sure my kids do too. So my advice, dont get tied up in the detail of a divorce, say yes to everything you can to get it done. Accept her new partner/s. And recognise the great things she does even after you split, this has got to help you move on, both practically and emotionally. Here is my question. I live in another country now and I have dated about 4 women in the last 3 years seriously. I'm currently seeing a lady I have been seeing for 8 months. She is everything I want in a woman. She makes me feel special every time she is with me. But sometimes when I have had a hard day or when Im lonely and I go to sleep, I dream of my exwife. And the dream starts off nicely, but ends up with me waking up and angry that we aren't together. I havent spoken to my exwife in 7 months cause my kids can skype me or come and visit without really needing to speak to her. I know I still have feelings for her because of the dreams and how sometimes I daydream she realises she missed out on a good guy. I dont want to live with another woman yet because Im scared of getting hurt again, and I think I will give them less because Im damaged from the time I gave everything. But I also know I don't want to be lonely, and Im not when Im actually with someone else. It really is one or the other. I know I would gladly accept another woman in my life if I didnt have this old flame lingering in the background. Thoughts ?

I have been separated now for nearly a year currently going through a divorce, she has raised 2 harassment cautions against me. This is now completely preventing me from contacting her in a shape or form. The term harassment is so ambiguous. All I did was express my love and emotions for her, assured her of my love basically all beautiful things. I did this as she left telling me she wanted to ways be my best friend, she told me how much she loves me and needed me in her life. It owly weaned off but I couldn't it was hurting more and more knowing how she still felt towards me but I guess it was her way of using me to die of her love for me. My ex wife now must hate me and it feels that she has done this so easily where we "the ex-husband" can't easily remove our love no matter how hard we try to believe that she became evil. It's a hard one and anyone that's going through this, like myself now needs a new way if life, change it completely.. Don't find new romance quickly she will never be your wife and the most gorgeous princess ever will be wasted as you won't be able to love her whilst your still stuck in live with your ex-wife. It's now essential that you start new hobbies, join new clubs, use up every available hour doing something new but with people around you to stop you from thinking about her... One positive that could happen is that your Ex might like the new you... It works well, I do it every day. Until night time, when you realise you can't sleep because all you want to do is think about the good times you and your wife had... Blame her for the lack of sleep, thump your pillow and shout her name out. I've been divorced twice before, it does fade away. I have successfully become friends with one of my ex's with no feelings of love towards her. Hang on in, but if you know she'll never have you back you must let go. Please don't make yourself ill and damage your lifestyle. Improve it instead, take care readers and good luck.

Buddy,, Its the most incredible thing when you have that feeling inside and its so pure.
However, there one thing you can not have inside is fear.. when you lose the compass of your own heart and the love you had for this women just poured out for her..
Ya know I dont got many answer to much, but when you have been through this sort of thing
theres nothing you can forget if you wanted to.
take sometime on this part and absorb it in, you need to heal fast brother.
if this is a girl you want to win back, ya need to get yourself in a position to do that. and I sorry bub but it ain gonna happen feeling like you do.. You gotta know that she left you.
Its her mistake man, you will evenually have to saddle up again. ( again spent some time reflecting on it and getting out those feeling ) cause after that you need to know that your the man, if that women that your so suck on, you need to take care of your business. work out,.
get in shape, stay active, theres other things you love like fishing and stuff.. tear em up. she see you we someone sure enough and then its on brother. take care and good luck..

Im only 4 months into the devorce process. We have fieled the papers. We have two girls, one 14 and the other 4. Its killing me. This is my second marrage. First one was 9 years, no kids (other than me). My drinking and sleeping around was the cause. I have been sober for 18 years since and my current soon to be ex wife (who was my best friends girlfriend while i was married before) and i have been married for almost 16 years. There was not any infadelity on either part, she was in alot of pain. Unfortunetly for me, the pain was from me she said. I had no idea it was comming. She says she still loves me but does not want to me married anymore. There still is not another guy. My heart is broken. Cry all the time, my wife started in al-non 3 years ago and has been working up to this. Iv been in aa for the 18+ years and have added al-non to my program also to help me with the emotions. It has helped but i still love her so much. I also miss my daughters. The reason we did the devorce so quick was to help me move on. I do not know if it has helped or not. Another thing i did to help me move on (at the sugestion of my wife) was to start dating. My old high school sweetheart got in touch with me thru face book (facebook is evil, should stay away from it). After seeing the old flame for 3 weeks (she lives 2.5 hrs away) we did the deed. Huge mistake!!! Cant go back! Now all i have is guilt. <br />
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I really love my wife and i wish it was lime it was before, there is nothing i can do, is what it is. Wish i could let her go.

I'm gonna be brief , I hope .I can relate with every comment I have read. At one point in time or another I went through the stages, and yes they are stages. I'm only 3 years into my divorce and i did allot of things after to insure I could never be with my wife ( funny I still refer to her as that opposed to ex ) but I still do get those "feeling" coming up ever time I'm with her . We still go see movies together , occasionally go to parties together ,. We go shopping together i.e. grocery , birthday , Christmas ... <br />
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I do love her and im pretty sure ( even though she wont admit it ) she still loves me. we just never fell in love with each other . allot of insight comes from reading these articles I read about how to deal with it . <br />
I agree with some of it , disagree with the other half . Although I love my wife, I haven't stopped looking for another future ex wife . I go on dates with a few women a month and I also have my beneficial female friends . My EX wife is now my best female friend that i can count on in a moments notice to help me or our kids out . If my car broke down shes on my top 3 people to call ..actually shes probably the first person id call because I know no matter what she will be there for me . <br />
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The point im making is embrace the divorce and it will make you a better person . My wife didn't want me as her husband anymore and for me that's okay , Shes not a financial drain on me anymore and shes really trying to make her own way and Im proud of her for that . Its more important to me ,that although we are divorced we are still a family , and family loves and goes all out for each other . <br />
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Sure I wish she would find herself and come on back to me but life isnt a fantasy and the crap on tv never really happens . She's not coming back and they are plenty of times that we are together and those little nuances that drive you crazy in a relationship come back and I remember what it was like dealing with it day in and day out and I don't miss that stuff. <br />
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It makes me appreciate her for what she really is, she was slowly dying in our relationship . losing herself and her identity . She was a wife and a mother and she wanted more . She wanted true love and her prince charming . I want my lady in the streets and freak in the sheets kinda woman. <br />
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If your wondering what I did to insure she wouldn't come back ........ I slept with her little sister after our divorce .<br />
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no she still doesn't know

I don't know if I should be glad that there are other people feeling the same way I do; or worried if I read how long it takes to get over a divorce. I have only been separated for 4 months now but it has been 4 months of hell! <br />
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This came as one massive surprise to me...We have been married for 8 years and have a 6 year old boy. I feel so sorry for my little boy and never imagined he will be broad up in a "broken" home. I know there are millions of kids going through this but it is completely different if it is your own far has been good though...<br />
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I have so many questions....! How do I move on? How do I get rid of this empty feeling? Feeling of uselessness, loss of identity,.. lack of self esteem...etc etc etc...<br />
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I feel so guilty looking back and how I could've done things I cant do anything! She doesn't love me anymore and it is as simple as that...She is moving on and rightly freaks me out at the same time...knowing that she will soon be with someone else...I don't want to sound selfish...but it is hard...<br />
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It is difficult not speaking to her during the day. We used to speak 4-5 times a day on the phone and suddenly that is all gone...I need to force myself not to phone her...not to tell her how much I love her sorry I am for everything...<br />
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I wish there is someway I can move on...someway I can wake up one day and not thinking about her...maybe I should start wishing for a day of no crying...

I cannot believe I have the same situation. She used to tell me before how sorry I would be when it is all gone and I put it down as marital banter. Now I live through hell.

All what I have to tell you, is that you have to move on and there will be light at the end of the tannel

Well the reality is she has moved on and I think that it will take time for you considering she left you when you were still in love with her. Your love for her will not go away overnight but you deserve to be happy just as she is. Do not sell yourself short on what "could be" for you. Take each day at a time and try not to be in her company as often. This is a small step to a new future for you.

I am in the same situation. My wife remarried her first husband who is a jerk. Every time I see her at a function that involves one of my children I ache for days. I know another relationship would change things but I have no desire for anyone but to have her back. You are not wrong for feeling that way and in fact in my opinion it is confirmation that you have always loved her. I know carring a torch for the ex is not a healthy thing to do but I understand what you are going through.

I think part of the growing is to realize it will never be the same as it was with "the one". I think the point of view would be to let that fall where it may, but try to have the perspective that there will be something as special, it will be different but maybe even better. That's a little bit of a stretch at this point, only being a few months out from the woman who still has my heart, even though she doesn't want it, but I am trying to be positive and I don't want to be stuck. I want to love and be loved. I have watched her father tell anyone who will listen about his bad divorce. That was 26 years ago, how sad, 26 years of living a divorce, I don't want that to be me. I want to grow, I just have to figure out where to put such strong and devoted feelings. It was wonderful, but just like two different people, there were obviously two different views, and considering the man who broke her heart called 5 days after the separation (she calls it divine intervention) I think she has her own issues and growth to experience. However, I had no problem looking beyond her flaws as we all have them. OK this is turning a direction I do not want to go. The experience is how to get through and un-reciprocated love with an ex. Still working on it.

At least you have accepted that you need to work on it, so you are one step closer to the goal. I can't accept that he is not there for me any more and I have to forget him.

Despite the belief in women being the weaker or more emotional sex, this situation seems to be more of a problem for men than it is for women, I don't understand why. Every couple I've known to break up have had the female move on faster emotionally than the male, most women when they decide it's over, it's really over. Men tend to linger and regret the break up for longer. Maybe it's partly to do with the fact that it's often easier for the woman to get a quick rebound relationship, even if it is just sexual. I don't believe in "the one" but I know that most people who have loved that much and been hurt, don't tend to let themselves get that close again; it's a natural defense mechanism and it's hard to fight off. You do get over it with time, how much time depends on the individual, I hope you can move forward and good things come your way in the future :)

I have a problem with accepting what you say about woman. I am a woman and been apart from my husband since 1996, till today... I wish I was his wife! Unfortunately, he is in relationship now and I don't have a chance but I cannot let go of him from my mind.

Thank you lifegirl. It was indeed beautiful, for a long time, now it feels a little painful at times. However, I do not know any other way to see her. Only with love, respect, adoration and the most sensative care.