It's Complicated

I had just watched the movie with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin called It's Complicated.  If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a married couple who divorced because the husband had an affair with a younger woman and ends up marrying her.  WEll the divorced couple, end up sharing dinner and drinks after celebrating their son's college graduation and end up having an affair together.  The Ex husband realizes that he still loves his EX wife and wants her back. 

There's a scene in the movie where Meryl Streep says that it took her 4 years to finally feel like she's herself again.  Four years?  Are you kidding me? I almost died after hearing this. I know it's make believe and it's just a movie but I couldn't shake off the thought that what if it does take me that long? 

It's almost been a year and a half when I decided to end my marriage and almost three months ago when it was finalized.  I desperately want to be free of all the emotional baggage and guilt over my divorce so that I can truly feel that I am starting my new lilfe.  
I'm constantly feeling like I'm in survival mode.  As if I'm a recovering alcoholic trying to find my way back to a healthy life.  Instead of feeling the excitement of all the possibilities, new experiences and happiness that I hope will come to me, I'm stiffled  and as if I'm still a prisoner in my "old" life. 

I don't choose to be miserable. I have a full life and not lacking in friends or socialization.  If you saw me in person, I'm always the one surrounded by so many people smiling and laughing, having a great time with them.  But inside, there's still so many things that I need to work out within myself that makes me feel so dark.  I've forgiven my EX a long time ago.  But forgiving myself is a whole another feat in itself.  I can't blame my EX for all the emotional handicaps that I now have. I'm a smart woman who should have known better and allowed a lot of things to happen to me.   I knew, I saw and I allowed things to happen because in my heart I believed that keeping my vows and making sure that we were still a family at all costs was the most important thing of all. 

I already have that piece of paper saying that I am divorced so therefore I should be free from all of this.  I just wished that my heart and my head understood what the papers mean so I can move on already.

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1 Response Jul 20, 2010

You are still healing - it wont take you 4 years - you need to let go of your guilt and start loving yourself - <br />
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Once you accept yourself and you find yourself looking back, remember the nice things, dont carry the anger and resentment or any of the bad things, that will make your healing longer. <br />
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Good Luck