Divorce Sucks

I was married for 10 years and my divorce was just finalized last month. I married a man who I now realize wasn't really in love with me although I think he thought he was. We got married very young, he was 21 and I was 23. We immediately began to build our lives, careers, educations, etc. but were so goal-oriented that we neglected to build each other up. It didn't help that we had completely different ideas about what it meant to be in a relationship, and we ended up disappointing each other over and over again. My ex-husband was a Marine, then he was a police officer; neither of these factors were helpful in our relationship either. He was already cold and emotionally unavailable or felt entitled to neglect or reject me whenever he thought I wasn't living up to his impossible standards. I, being the freshly graduated college student had other ideas about freedom and individuality. I refused to submit to his demands and even when I tried he accused me of doing it "half-***". When he was a Marine he was obsessive about my caloric intake and my activity level. He never direcly said "you're fat" but we all know what he was implying. He was obsessed with cleanliness but always expected me to do it. If he had to clean something he would get extremely sullen and just clean like he was bitter about having to do it. Let me mention that we both worked full time- I wasn't a house wife. When he became a police officer it only legitimized his demanding behavior and he was ultra-critical. He thinks he supported me because he came home every day. I will give him that as a cop it is an accomplishment to make it home everyday, many cops don't. I was a successful professional at a Fortune 500 company and I left my job so I could work on my marriage and finish my MBA. He got even more mad at me and told me I left my job because I wanted to leave him...I just kept trying harder and wondered why he wouldn't love me. Everything I did made him mad and he even stopped saying he loved me because in his words "it's just overused". I should have left him and not my job. I ended up taking my ring off and giving it back to him telling him that when he was ready to not treat our marriage like a joke then we could talk...he did nothing. I should have left him then. I was so desperately trying to pray and be a good wife but I began to seek out approval from other people which ended up turning into a very brief affair when I separated from my husband. I never touched a soul when I lived with him but I told him I was going to see other people when we separated, which I now know was a huge mistake. I should have left him and stayed gone when I had a job and the means to take care of myself. I ended up going back to him but it was never the same and I understand why. He told me he forgave me before I went back but he just ended up punishing me for a year and a half. I finally ended up leaving him in June '09 and I never turned back. I don't blame him for everything but when I look back I can see that I made more of an effort than he did to nurture our marriage. We both rebelled and took it out on each other but the only time he wanted me was after I was already out the door. He was so good at making me feel like I was making a huge mistake each time I left, but the 2nd time there was no way I would fall into his trap again. It's now been over a year since I left and I do miss him as a friend but I could never go back to him. I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me unconditionally and never makes me feel unworthy of his love. It takes some getting used to a love like this, but I consider that a good problem to have. I wish that anyone who is not being treated like they should be in a marriage can get help and stay strong. I have questioned my decision many times but I just think back to the weekened when I moved out and how I sat on that couch one last time and watched good cable and drank myself to tears just like I did for so many years and I will NEVER be that woman again. I am here to tell you that no matter how unlovable your spouse made you feel, no matter how much you feel like no one will ever want you because he/she didn't, there is someone out there waiting to love you. It may not be another mate right away, but I was able to heal by really reaching out to my family and friends for unconditional love the year before I left and ever since I left. I remember how I would drive to my home town just to see my parents and the people I grew up with and just got so much love without having to beg for it or earn it. I remember how proud everyone was of me and my accomplishments and how they would always ask why my husband was never with me. (and this was the whole time, not just after the 1st separation). My best friends could see that I wasn't being loved and appreciated and I take full responsibility for my mistakes in the marriage. The worst mistake I made was not leaving before he almost crushed me completely. I should have left him in 2007 when the market was still up and we could have sold our house for a profit. I could have bought this beautiful little house behind my best friend's house that had an in-ground pool and a cool back yard. I know it's wrong to feel like you wasted your time on your marriage, but I can say that from 2007 on I truly did. We probably could have even remained friends had I not made the grave mistake I made during the first separation...
the good news is I now have the chance to rebuild my life and start over. I will never forget what we had but I also need to let him go completely. I pray that he will find happiness and joy in the Lord and will finally let go of his anger and unforgiveness. No matter what we did to each other, holding on to the past will not do us any good. I hope we can move on and one day reconcile as friends but if we don't I trust that the Lord has him in His perfect care. I know I made the right decision and I know it's time to let go of him and stop worrying about him. I couldn't change him when we were married and I know I can't change him now that we're divorced.
sandunguera sandunguera
31-35, F
1 Response Jul 20, 2010

Thank You for sharing your story. I appreciate it!