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After you are divorced... how long should you commit to being uncommitted before giving in to the next commitment?
DancesWithDolphins DancesWithDolphins 41-45, M 11 Responses Feb 22, 2008

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I think it depends on the person. There are no instruction manuals, but you'll find plenty of opinions. One guideline I heard was 1 year for every 5 years married. Not sure how they came to that formula. One of my friends told me 3 months, another 6 months. I think it also depends how long it takes to find somebody you REALLY connect with. I've dated a lot, but have not found a strong connection. My strategy is to find contentment with living solo, while solo. I'm building a life that doesn't need a spouse and if somebody comes along that wants to share this life, that would be cool. I've never found a strong connection with aggressive dating - especially on-line dating. It's never worked for me like finding a job. Usually, the person just happens to sit next to me and we start talking. I am also still learning why my spouse of 30 years was not the right person for me, nor was my lover of 5 years. It's not all about our ex's either, I've changed a lot over the years. Still learning what those changes were and what they mean for my future - a future partner. I'm not the young man that wanted to start a family. The financial status of a woman matters to me now (gold diggers are out there). I don't want to be supporting a single mom with young kids. Been there and done that. I would suggest not making a lot of rules around it, just understand yourself. Recognize the fears you're dealing with and ignore them. Get in touch with what you consider lovable about yourself. Love attracts love. I think the right time is when love shows up.

That's where I'm at.

I agree sooner can be better for children.<br />
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and to Igce the g/f started out as a committed thing, as i tend to have been a one woman man, but lately I think the dating game is also a healthy part of the (b) finding yourself phase....<br />
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So committed and open... I guess that's what I would ideally like at the moment. Not committed and monogamous.

I agree with the lifetime comment

for me the Wiseoldowl comments are the one's resonating.<br />
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I think I've reached the happy period where I'm happy with myself, and looking forward much more then back.<br />
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My concern is that my exit girlfriend now wants me exclusively to be hers. And after 20 years of as the princess put it "trying to make it work", I'm thinking that I need time and space to just me me and date who I want, when I want. I think the only person having issues with that is the exit girlfriend who has been such a blessed part of midwifing me out of the marriage.

a) done<br />
b) working on it (often hard while in a new commited relationship)<br />
c) done<br />
d) got to finish (b) first....<br />
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ok, how long is (b) when do I know its done?

To the two most recent comments.... <br />
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EXACTLY!

I think I'm being misunderstood here. I'm not talking about how long a widower should wait to start dating.<br />
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I'm talking about how long should a single divorced man play the field before committing to a second marriage or new monogamous commitment.

I think 6 months is long enough before you start celebrating.

Exactly! And you have two divorces. Should you have waited longer before that second marriage? Did you marry your exit girlfriend?

Well, I've heard that future relationships last longer if you don't make a commitment within the first year. I have to say that after xx years of monogamous marriage, I think I need some time to be 'available' or 'comparison shop' before making the next commitment.