I Am Divorced
I am divorced, and after being out of the house for a little over a year, it is killing me.
Today is a day like the majority of recent days. I just can’t shake the horrible feeling of doom I have. There is a weight that never leaves. The guilt and regret have settled in, and never let up. I can push these feelings aside as I immerse myself in an activity, but the moment my mind is not fully engaged in another task, those feelings rear up with a vengeance. For most of the past year, this would come and go. Maybe I would have a rough week, then a mild week, then a rough day or two, and another week or two of relative peace. Now there is no relief. There is a non-relenting cloud that will not pass. The past couple of months have been saturated with a steady stream of guilt and regret.
I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get past this and I am afraid of what the long term effects will be on my mental and physical health, and my current relationship. Every day, I fight to keep a smile on my face, and pretend that all is okay. There is nothing wrong with my current day-to-day life. I really enjoy my job. I think it is going well, and I don’t have to worry over it when I am not at work. I am treated well in my current relationship. I am loved, supported, and treated very well. If I wasn’t experiencing this emotional weight, I would say my life is great.
I need some relief from this, but I don’t know where to find it. I can’t keep feeling this way, and keep up my daily façade of happiness. I am not sure how much longer I can function like this before I have a complete meltdown and potentially lose everything. I keep thinking time will take away this emotional weight and it will be better soon, but it seems the opposite is happening. I have spent weeks ignoring and pushing this weight aside – sort of training myself to not think about it – but it doesn’t help. I have also spent time allowing the thoughts, and trying to analyze or let it run its course, but that hasn’t worked either. I don’t think anything can be done to make this better. I have done horrible things, and I am now living with the consequences. There is no way for me to make amends for what I have done, and right the wrongs. Without doing that, there will be no relief. Nobody can do anything to help me though this. No amount of diversion, living it up, or taking it easy is going to fix this mess I have made. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I just have to live with it, and hope I find some relief before I have that meltdown that seems to be lurking just out of sight.
I really messed up an almost 8 year marriage and left my husband and our children. I just had to get out. Now I wish I would have been able to restrain myself from running so far so fast. I see my children several times a week, but the heartache I suffer from seeing my family torn apart is almost more than I can bear lately. I wish the gravity of it all would have sunk in a year ago. I take full responsibility for what I have done, but the guilt is killing me. If I make any move to fix it, I would only hurt more people, and probably would be worse off than I am now.
Today is a day like the majority of recent days. I just can’t shake the horrible feeling of doom I have. There is a weight that never leaves. The guilt and regret have settled in, and never let up. I can push these feelings aside as I immerse myself in an activity, but the moment my mind is not fully engaged in another task, those feelings rear up with a vengeance. For most of the past year, this would come and go. Maybe I would have a rough week, then a mild week, then a rough day or two, and another week or two of relative peace. Now there is no relief. There is a non-relenting cloud that will not pass. The past couple of months have been saturated with a steady stream of guilt and regret.
I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get past this and I am afraid of what the long term effects will be on my mental and physical health, and my current relationship. Every day, I fight to keep a smile on my face, and pretend that all is okay. There is nothing wrong with my current day-to-day life. I really enjoy my job. I think it is going well, and I don’t have to worry over it when I am not at work. I am treated well in my current relationship. I am loved, supported, and treated very well. If I wasn’t experiencing this emotional weight, I would say my life is great.
I need some relief from this, but I don’t know where to find it. I can’t keep feeling this way, and keep up my daily façade of happiness. I am not sure how much longer I can function like this before I have a complete meltdown and potentially lose everything. I keep thinking time will take away this emotional weight and it will be better soon, but it seems the opposite is happening. I have spent weeks ignoring and pushing this weight aside – sort of training myself to not think about it – but it doesn’t help. I have also spent time allowing the thoughts, and trying to analyze or let it run its course, but that hasn’t worked either. I don’t think anything can be done to make this better. I have done horrible things, and I am now living with the consequences. There is no way for me to make amends for what I have done, and right the wrongs. Without doing that, there will be no relief. Nobody can do anything to help me though this. No amount of diversion, living it up, or taking it easy is going to fix this mess I have made. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I just have to live with it, and hope I find some relief before I have that meltdown that seems to be lurking just out of sight.
I really messed up an almost 8 year marriage and left my husband and our children. I just had to get out. Now I wish I would have been able to restrain myself from running so far so fast. I see my children several times a week, but the heartache I suffer from seeing my family torn apart is almost more than I can bear lately. I wish the gravity of it all would have sunk in a year ago. I take full responsibility for what I have done, but the guilt is killing me. If I make any move to fix it, I would only hurt more people, and probably would be worse off than I am now.
By:
DawnaS78
Age:
31-35
,
Female
