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My Fault

I recently divorced my wife of 7 years. We had been together a total of 10. The divorce was final on May 30th. This was all my own fault.

Back at the end of feb I was having serious issues with turning 30. All I could think about was growing old and dying. Around this time I was broody and didn't talk much attempting to sort problems out on my own. Then out of nowhere I was contacted by a former girlfriend I use to be very serious with when I was 18-19. This prompted me to look into a divorce since talking to someone else made me so happy. In hindsight my wife had nothing to do with my depression and had done nothing but be supportive and try to help, I just couldn't see it at that time.

In my life I have always thought every decision through, I never make rash decisions. I managed to go from very happily married in mid february to filing for divorce a month later. This is the exact opposite of how I act.

During the divorce I kept in contact with this other woman. I had decided to pursue a relationship with her once everythin had settled down. After moving out and onto my own I told her that it didn't feel right and I couldn't pursue a relationship with her because of it. She promptly called my wife at work and told her things that simply weren't true. After the call, a fake pregnancy, and learning that she was actually still married (all after i had called it off with her) I'm pretty sure she just wanted to make sure I was alone. Seriously who does that to someone with fertility issues in thier past.

I look back and think my actions were caused by a combination of several things. First my depression about 30. My wife and I had fertility issues and turning thirty with no kids. I had just got passed over for a promotion and ended up changing jobs because of it. I suffer from hypothyroidism and when I just got my annual refills I noticed a two month discrepancy in my pills meaning I must have just not taken them for that period of time. All these things are excuses or crutches to explain why I think I made the biggest mistake of my life. Bottom line is that it was my fault.

Like I said earlier divorce was final at the end of may. I have sense moved to a different city just to avoid running into each other (felt I wouldn't be fair to her). I can finally look back at my actions and see all these things I thought, said, or did. It's like watching a movie of someone else's life.

I would do anything to correct my mistake. I have talked to her, sent cards, and texts explaining how sorry I am and trying to make reparations. She very recently agreed to talk/text with me on a "two people who use to know each other and nothing more" basis. I would do anything to correct my mistakes but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance.

Few final notes. I did this from my phone between projects at work so please excuse grammar, spelling, or somewhat scattered though process as I've done this over several hours. Will try and proof read it tonight just needed to get this off my chest.

When I first started to realize my mistake I told my wife that I'd see a shrink since these actions were so far from my norm. She did agree that is needed also. I have apt set for a few weeks from now.

If you're going to tell me what a terrible person I am, don't waste your breath I am well aware of this. Just looking for advice or maybe a bit of understanding.
Lr5057 Lr5057 26-30, M Aug 13, 2012

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