Today...I just got the call.
It's been a long time coming. We had so many problems for so long, and he moved out in January of 2011. So many bad things said, so many sad moments. Today, it's just surreal.
It's actually over.
I keep saying it to myself. I'm traveling for my job. Traveling, and away from my home, from my kids. And the casual, offhand way he brought it up, "Have you talked to your lawyer today?"
I don't know what to feel. It should be relief. And it is. But still, I think about it. My children. From a broken home. But it was broken so long ago. It can't be repaired. It couldn't. Or I wouldn't have insisted that he leave. It's been so long. And now, it's over.
My kids..I wanted so much more for them. I wanted better for them than I had growing up, but it didn't work out that way. I feel so sad for them today. Even though I let go of him so long ago. Almost two years ago. But this is so final. So real. So surreal.
The fight for custody took almost a year. My ex-husband -- so weird to say that and have it be true...legal, not just my feelings -- we have been getting along so well. Like friends. Like we were before dating. We are friends now. It's what I wanted. Since I accepted the fact that we couldn't be husband and wife. We are friends. Ok friends. Not the kind that hang out on the weekends. The kind that wish each other well. The kind that work together to deal with life.
The kind that have kids together.
If it weren't for them, we would never speak, and that would have been easier. This? It's surreal.
Tonight, when we hung up the phone, he said, "Bye, ex-wife."
But they are not mistakes. Just an accidental by-product of stupid kids with eyes filled with impossibilities.
And now, the stigma is there, for real. I've lived with being separated for almost two years now. Lived with the knowledge that we could never be for three years. But this label just makes it so real.
And I'm sad.
For my children.
For myself, and my ignorance. For a childlike faith 13 years ago. For dreams lost and buried.
For my failure.
That hope and love couldn't make it better, after all.
And shame that I am still hopeful for the future.
And fear for two little boys.
Because they will be broken, like I was broken.
And sadness that they accept this...like it's normal.
Because it shouldn't be.
Love should last.
It just should.