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No Relief After Divorce

My divorce was just finalized a few days ago. While this has been a very long drawn out process and the end was anticipated and prepared for, the relief I expected to feel from closure didn't happen. In fact I feel weighed down by the end result. My ex husband and I had been together for 19 yrs. If not divorced would have been married a total of 12 yrs next month. I made the ultimate decision for divorce after years of many many struggles. There was deceit, lack of support, cheating & extreme communication issues along with financial & employment struggles. I have read & learned through the years that my ex husband falls into the category of having a narcissistic disorder/personality etc. which makes him very difficult to deal with on any level. I always wonder if this would have been easier if there were no children involved. We have two children therefore we have to be involved with one another for their sake & it has not been easy. Especially when dealing with someone who is a strong manipulator and plays a lot of mind games not just with me but with the children. I did not enter into the decision of divorce easily. In fact it took 5 years for me to even file. I'm smart enough to know that it wasn't going to be a magic wand to wave all my problems away but I was definitely hoping for some relief. I am almost feel like I hurt more now then I did during my marriage which is silly considering I endured a lot of pain & a sense of abandonment in my marriage.
1ladygrace 1ladygrace 36-40 1 Response Aug 19, 2012

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I know what you are saying; I experienced a tremendous amount of ambivalence for years before I left; I returned and left again, this time for good. Yet I still experience pulls to go back, and have felt a lot of shame around seeing people who knew us as a couple. I find I am struggling as much now, after having left (7 months ago) as before. I expected relief as well, yet, after the first few months found myself in depression and grief, something that I did not expect, having been the initiator.