So Here It Is...

It's been final since June. Too many things happened all at the same time but this is story about what's happened since that day. I'm not sure if this makes any sense tonight. i don't make any sense tonight.

I don't even remember what day it was exactly. Several people I know asked me why I wasn't celebrating. It's not really something to celebrate. Deciding to end it was not easy. The details are fuzzy now. It's not that I want to go back. Everything is a wreck. We tried for too many years and it was good on the surface and then terrible underneath.

I thought that once it was final, that would be it and things could move forward. That is not the case. I am stuck in limbo at the moment. It's strange. I am the one holding myself back. He still has a hold on my mind and knows just what buttons to push to keep me in his clutches. He fully expects us to get back together. He says he's waiting patiently. Why?

There are papers that state that we are divorced. We both spent a lot of money to do this. I am afraid to even act like I want this to be final. I am afraid to even date, even though I really want to. Why am I afraid? Why am I still afraid to not appease him? Why do I still want to keep him calm?

I am afraid because once I cross that line, it really is over. I have to decide and accept that it's all over. He has no power over me. It's time to move on. The papers are meaningless until I say the words to him and start acting like we are no longer married. We've been apart since October of last year. We've lived apart. We've signed and filed the papers. We are both in denial and limbo not ready to take that next step without one another.

It's not that we love each other, it's just a habit. Neither one of us knows what to do without "us". Even a bad "us". It's time to grow up and move on and let go of "us". Time to quit the habit.

just an update: It's only been one month ago that I wrote this, some things should be updated. I did have a conversation with ex telling him that we would not under any circumstances be getting back together. This convo did not go well and escalated as i suspected. He was angry and threatening. He left angry and i left  to consult my lawyer. The lawyer was prepared to gut him and told me some things that made me feel better. Cooler heads did prevail eventually but i think only because ex calmed down and I went back to just going along. The balance has changed slightly. He is very careful to do what i want because after our most recent negative exchange he knows I have no problem completely walking away. I am slowly but surely developing a talent to recognize the bullshit he tries to feed me to scare me into doing what he wants. I fall into this trap because it's the habit of our past relationship that I've ended. I can only defend myself by saying that old habits are hard to break.....i'm working on it. 
ijustneed2talk ijustneed2talk
46-50, F
2 Responses Sep 6, 2012

I can definitely relate to ur situation my ex was a terrible manipulator and verbally abusive so I always did what she wanted to make it easier. But I am now proud to stay I stand up and hold my ground it has taken some time to get to this point. I have an amazing and very supportive gf who has helped me become stronger.

That's great to have a friend to help you through a difficult situation

Yes it's great to have that support I don't know if I would be as successful without her

"should I stay or should I go?..." The Clash~

bah! lets go rock the casbah!!!

or ride that "train in vain"!

that's really good!

watching history of the clash on youtube rt now~

ah ...educational piece? hahaha

yup~ for me it is~

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