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All I Ever Wanted Was You!

Seems i went looking for a wife, and found loneliness instead.

She was all I ever wanted, smart, hard working, loving.
But was that what she was, or what I thought I saw.
Turns out we did get married, and had two wonderful children.

Did I say she was a hard worker? lol Yup! She worked and worked hard. Would never take vacations, and was always irritated that I would want to take time off.
To be honest, she is a perfect employee. She will do what ever it takes to get the job done. A true type A personality.

Kid's. Oh My! She loves her kids. But when it became work vs kids, I got the call to take the kids. Not that I minded at the time. I too love my kids, and enjoy them very much. I loved teaching them, nurturing them. We taught them responsibility, and accountability. They are well mannered most of the time, and respectful of authority.

So why the divorce?
Well it took a few years, but soon I realized the woman of my dreams did not feel the same about me. I was just another possession. I was treated as a child, and expected to act as an adult. When it came time for intimacy, I was third choice to sleep, or her beloved TV.
One day I was so angry at her. We had not had intimate relations of any sort in five years. I was pissed. She was always promising things would get better soon. It was when I realized that was just a line, that she had no intentions of ever changing, that I got angry. Being the coward I am ( according to her), I wrote a long note describing my concerns. How I was upset, angry and totally frustrated. I know a note is not the best way to confront someone, but I wanted to say what I had to say without interruption. I expressed how our relationship was damaged and needed repair. That we needed to both sit down and take an active part in repairing it.
Wow! She came unglued! Tears, screaming, etc.
She was pissed I wrote it down. I was a coward!
Well as I had feared, the whole conversation was about me attacking her.
I never once said she had a problem, I was careful to say, "We". Not good!
She made it all about her. she said mean nasty things about me. Things you can't take back. After several hours of yelling and screaming, she calmed down, and I asked straight up! "Do you still love me?"
He answer surprised me. "What I feel for you is contempt!"
OK, well I did not have a response for that. I assumed she meant because I had brought up the no sex topic. I found out later that was not even close to the truth. A few months later we sat and discussed out love life problems. Oh she "Loved" me, like a brother, or dog or bird, what ever, but she was not "In Love" with me. She had zero interest in a divorce. She had zero interest in any sort of sexual encounter with me. She stated that she enjoyed sex, just not with me.
I was again shocked. Did she say this to "pay me back", or did she really feel this way? I suggested (I was kidding) that maybe an open marriage would be ideal. Not good! she again became a little unstable, and nearly took my head off with a frying pan.

I gave her ten more years to get past it all. She never did. So I asked just what did I do to cause you to dislike me so much!
"If you were a decent husband, you would know!"
So if I could read her mind I would have an answer? I doubt it!
I filed for divorce. It broke my heart!
Again she got angry, called me a few not so nice words, and threatened to put me in the poor house.
"I would rather live on the streets, than with someone as cold as you!"
So here I am, living alone again!
AnIrishwarrior AnIrishwarrior 56-60, M 4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

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I agree with Mahal. I think you did the right thing to communicate to your wife about the problems in your marriage. Without communication nothing can be worked out. It is unfortunate that in your case it resulted in the end of your marriage. That happens sometimes when the two parties cannot meet on common ground.

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. I no longer was in love with him, and I could not continue to live a lie, and I also felt I had to let him go so he could find someone who could give him the love I could not. He hated me for ending our marriage, even though he knew I was not in love with him anymore, but I know it was the right thing to do. I think he eventually forgave me just recently after 14 long years of anger, and I think he now realizes I made the right choice for us.

Perhaps in time your ex-wife will realize you made the right choice, too. If not, you have to go on knowing you did what you felt was right for both of you. You both deserve to have someone you love and who loves you in return. Without love in a marriage, it is not a marriage imo.

I was not so much surprised by her "I am not in love with you" as I was her lack of interest in changing anything. It was obvious she was resenting me being in her life, yet she refused to let go. Her constant anger at me, over nothing was driving me and the kids crazy! Leaving was the only way out. I think she hates the status "Divorced" more than living apart.

For what it's worth, I don't think you were a coward for writing down your thoughts and giving it to her to read. It made her have to own up to your marital problems and clearly she didn't want to take responsibility because she turned it all around and blamed it all on you. So typical. My Ex did the same. I don't know what it is that makes a spouse all of the sudden close their hearts and body to their partner. I hope someday soon that you will find someone that can love you the way you need to be loved. :). P. S. No you didn't screw up. She did!!!!

I took a long time to carefully craft a straight to the point letter. I did not blam, I just pointed out facts like, We don't talk anymore, unless it is about the kids or bills. Then I pointed out, "We need to spend more time together, without the kids" This just pissed her off, it seemed clear she liked the current arrangements just fine.

thanks for your input!

should have gotten out sooner, she seems like a royal b.....!

Yes, much sooner. I stayed for the kids. A mistake? Maybe, but I have to great young men to show for it.

But you can see the light to find happiness. It is out there. You just have to look for it. You made the first step getting out of a loveless/sexless marriage. The next steps will come.

Well I have no doubts I did the right thing. We still talk, and she still says I screwed up. lol I am much happier. enough said.

Talk is always good keep and open mind but hold your heart close.. You already know the pain that is out there.