My Husband Is A Police Officer

We met about seven years ago. He was already a police officer when we met. We fell in love quickly and got married six years ago. My husband is a corporal for the local police department and works shift work. When he is home, he seems disconnected and grouchy. He says it's because of his job and he just needs time to decompress. The problem is, by the time he starts acting normal, he's leaving for work again. He wants to control my actions and always has to know where I am and who I am talking to. At times, I feel as though he is interrogating me. He has never hit me but can be verbally abusive at times. He always says he is sorry after he blows up and blames it on the stress of his job. We do not have children yet. My concern is the problem will escalate to the point where he would hit me. I am at the point in my life where I feel I need to decide whether to stay and deal with the abuse or cut my losses and hopefully start over.
timidzero timidzero
45 Responses Jan 27, 2011

Good for u...
That is my goal oneday!

I separated from my son's father a year ago. Just alike, his demeanor and facade changed towards me, I feel the authority and power affected our relationship. As soon as he entered the field, I felt degraded and inferior. I am glad I'm out of the relationship. I suffered depression for the longest time and he still tries to use his authority as a tactic to get me to comply to his orders. He's never came to visit and had tried to give up his rights, for anyone suspecting patterns of mental or physical abuse... I suggest get out before it prolongs and worsens.

My ex-wife is a cop, she has redefined the term "entitled". Although, she was the abusive one, the one cheating, stealing money from me (before and during my deployments overseas) I made the mistake of staying with her and trying to make it work. Like most spouses I believed the BS.... you dont understand what its like???!!!, I have to get a drink after work with the guys to relax???!!! its none of your business???!!! etc etc. We have been divorced for 5 years now and she is still using her badge and the legal system to harass me. And that is where in lies the problem; the legal system! Unfortunately on top of the great blue wall sits cops and judges and there just isnt enough of us to change that.

I also am married without children to a deputy with local sheriff dept... My husband has tried kill me twice.. Hes extremely abusive on a weekly basis.. Hes pushed away all my friends and what little family i have left alive hes made them to afraid to get involved or help me escape.. I havnt been allowed to work or go anywhere in years.. My cars been in garage for 2 half years now without me being able to drive it.. I need help .. His mother lives 4 houses away from me. And she scares me, threatens me that if i call police on her son for abuse that he'll lose his job and it'll be my fault.. He's going to end up killing me and i have know means to escape this horror house.. If anyone can give me some resources that dont entail calling local police department i would be grateful.. He would b furious to know that im even writing all this on this site. Iam desperate and dont want to die this way.. Iam 33 yrs old without any family or friends, so this is my last hope for any advice or support.. Hear my prayers. +

Call this number. They will help. 1-800-799-7233

My problem with be marrying to a NY highway police officer. Yes he was abusive and mentally abusive to me. I had to get an order of protection from him. But, he was worse then the people he arrested., During our 1year separation then divorce. I found out things that made m sick. For starters he would go to the range, as required and he would steal guns and, sell them on the street. He would stop people to give them tickets and if they had something he needed he would make deals. When I was cleaning out my house that I sold, I found evidence he raped woman. I gathered up the evidence and brought it to my Mother. I wanted to turn him in. She being a strong woman of Faith told me to throw it all out. To let God take care of it. I had at that time 2 small boys. She told me he would definitely try to kill me. And I needed to be alive to raise my sons. He my ex eventually got involved with the mafia. I to this day regret not turning him in. I could have stopped the evil he was doing. 1 time also, highway police officers work alone. 1 of my exs buddies was bragging on what they did to a couple of men my ex arrested. They beat these guys up. took there weapons and possibly drugs and arrested them and sold there weapons on the street. My ex tried to kill me 2x. But, Jesus Himself protected me and my sons. To feel right I have to believe my Mother gave me the right advice. I'm praying he stopped. 1 time after I put my sons down for the night I was reading my Bible. Very cocky my ex said. "Where is your God now" My reply. "Hes watching You" Oh and he used the plates to my car to do his crimes. Thankfully I caught him. He snook in my garage. I chased him. I went into the garage to see what he was looking for. My old car plates were on the wall. He said he turned those plates in years past. He kept them, and if he would have gotten caught the plates were in my name. So pray to Jesus, He helped me. He will absolutely help You. He is the best protector. Picture Him sitting in a chair in your room. Talk with Him about everything. He will lead you +

I can relate to your nightmare.. My husband also secretly abuses his power.. He is abusing narcotics that he gets from a drug dealer..and his doctor.. He also injects steroids from this same dealer.. He also steals from civilians he pulls over.. Has also been accused of rape although his mother somehow got the woman to drop charges i believe.. How did u end up getting free can i ask? As i dont think i can.. I pray daily for the courage to escape his physical and mental abuse

Don`t marry him!!!!!! is a patern police have , they are controlling and abusive .
My sister is going through a 6 year nightmare , has lost everything and has 4 days visitations with her boys but that is it ! She has no parental rights to her kids and he monitors every step she makes. lawyers and judges violating numerous laws and civil rights. The fraudulent acts, perjury and abuses within the divorce system were rampant. After going through the divorce, I could understand how all people can be skeptical about the entire legal system They all side with the Police even when they knew he was lying . My sister was married for 21 years he did not let her work nor study . She is very sick ,he knows her her every move seven after divorcing him she can not get a new life is as if his hunting her every move and makes her life impossible ..still can't escape him . The Judge not only gave soul parental custody to im , she has no alimony , the pension will be managed by his lawyer when he decides to retire because she has to paid half of marital debts , whatever he decides to spend on the kids with out her opinion nor input and because she does not have the right to decide on her childrens daily life , activities ,medical ....... nothing she has to pay half of what ever is spent . She does not have the right to take part in their future . She is just a by stander in her childrens life . She is still fighting with a new lawyer but fees are high and we are dry , we are fighting for justice for Janet!

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I know you post is from a few years ago but I am living this nightmare now too. Seeing everyone's comments, if they mashed them together, that is what I am dealing with. Physical, mental, verbal, financial abuse. There is no accountability for the drinking and gambling etc just that it is my fault and I drove him to it. He has gone behind my back and told everyone I am mentally ill. Well if people only knew that I am living a life of lies, abuse, covering up maybe they would change their opinion. I have tried reporting him as well as other people and the investigations magically disappear or get intercepted by his friends and covered up. I am at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. We are in a divorce but I still can't escape him. He moved out to his sisters and people continue to enable him but he keeps randomly coming over like when he was sick and stayed for 4 days making all of us sick. I am looking for any advice people want to offer.

Do you have an attorney yet? If not, I think many give either a free or inexpensive consult. I'm wondering if there are any abandonment laws in your state but this is why you need to consult an attorney. You need to know what your options are.
Other than this, I would keep a date/time log of what he's doing (or failing to do.) Good luck.

You are describing my experience too! Except for the coming over bit as my husband is presently on bail and can't come near me - thank goodness. I have been in shock since February 2014 and finding out that for years he has been wracking up debt whilst I was trying to support him with his angry and controlling behaviour which resulted in physical - twice - verbal, emotional and psychological abuse all the time not knowing the financial chaos he was making.........and using MY money to pay debts I did not know about or contribute too. what I have found out has been debilitating and seems surreal. I keep asking myself so many questions but the bottom line is he was cunning and devious and a sociopath who does not care about other people but will use every device known to man to use them!! I feel your pain!! Making the woman out to be "off her head", "mentally ill" is all they have got to camouflage their behaviour and the women (Us) feel we have to justify our secure mental health over and over again. He has used his family and y sons in his havoc and undermined my relationship with them. Keep reporting him, keep strong, keep a log and surround yourself with people who know who you are. Stay strong - don't let him defeat you. Remember you are not alone and not mad. I am finding out that this is a seriously common story. Do get in touch if you want support. Much love. xx

Hire a private investigator..and get cameras installed for your defence...

Leave him before you have kids

I need help, I am in a relationship and live with a cop. He has been physically abusing me. I currently have black eye, broken arm, and so so so much stress. I reported to a city official and the chief of police only to receive a phone call from the detctve and what he told me I'll never forget. He said "look u need to put your big girl panties on and stop causing problems in the department. You need to leave him or stay and keep ur problems home.". He said for me not to go back to the police department. At that moment I get a call from my spouse and he was furious with me. They went strit to him and told him word for word what I said. He was so mad and came home only for things to be worse for me. I have a down syndrome daughter and a 17 year old that is watching this and i need out of this. He is police and swat so i can't seek help there- I need to just get out. Thought by having a cop in my life would make my life better but has only worsened and continuing to get worse.

Make a plan - you need to leave asap. You're not married? So you don't have to worry about divorce. Leave and don't look back.

I was married to one as well. He was very jealous and I couldn't go out with friends or even to the gym. I could only go to the local gym. If I took too long at the grocery store, he would start asking, "Who is he?" even when I went with my son. I finally left him in 2010. I had to come to terms that I might not make it...and that was better than staying with him any longer. Now, we are divorced and he still makes my life a living hell. He wants to keep control of the children and is constantly policing what I do and he's ready to bring it to court. Court is not favorable at all either...Get ready and be very organized. Good luck!

Get out and don't walk but run! I am divorced from an ex cop also but I did decide to have a child with him and he is much more. My ex husband was mentally and verbally abusive, mostly just controlling. But that's what they are use to is "being in control". But with my kid it's worse because he thinks he can do anything and get by with it because he is the law and I'm beneath him. And worst of all the police department stick together, they will defend him. They protect their me I'm living through it now. I wish you well but don't only think about now but more so the future, especially if you plan to have kids with him. Good luck!

Me too! I moved away, but when I tried to register my boys in school, I was hit with an emergency court hearing. I can't change my sons' school even if I have the primary residence and have to drive them to school at 6:00 in order to make it to work. Judges side with cops as well.

Hang in there! My daughter was married for almost 20 years to a police officer...until she found out about his affairs while she was 8 months pregnant. I have never seen such replusive behavior as from this man and his cop girlfriend. The divorce is over but they continue the harassment. Frankly, I fear for my daughter's life. He has physically abused the 4 yr old but denies it. Now, they follow me around at the boys' ba<x>seball games and verbally attack me. No one in the police department does anything. It appears that we now live in a police state here in America. Women and children are indentured to their abusers especially if the abuser is a cop. They can't move away from the abuse per state law and must watch as the ex abuses small children because the courts do not listen to small children's testimony. Review the laws in UK..they now recognize emotional abuse. We here in America are in the dark ages of rights.

My ex husband is a federal cop that hacks my email and has my cell phone tapped. He harasses my boyfriend and sends him emails from my email account. This jerk has himself an Iranian mail order bride who is 30 years younger and still won't leave me alone.

I am currently married to an officer and I am very sorry for the position you find yourself in. Your husband needs to speak with a professional. A lot comes with the job but never is there a reason for abuse. He may not know what to do with what he sees and does on the job. My husband and I talk alot everytime he comes home about the job and the frustrations no matter how hard that may be. If it doesn't get better after counseling or he won't go, you may need to consider if this is for you. I will be praying for you and him.

Mine started off as the dream guy. The most supported and loving man I had ever met. I told my family "I'm going to marry this guy". As I am now in my 4th year of this relationship, it's a complete nightmare. He doesn't ke me visit my family, call them, or spend holidays or birthdays with them. I own the house we live in and he refuses to leave even though I've asked him to leave several times. When I say I'm going to call the cops he just laughs because they are all his buddies and won't do anything to help me. He drinks heavily on a daily basis. Vodka bottles are stashed all around the house. He gambles every paycheck away to the point where I support his every financial need. He has slept with 3 other women that I know of....and I'm sure there are many others. I'm not sure how to go about getting him out of my house and I feel trapped. I highly recommend to anyone in a relationship with a law enforcement officer to GET OUT NOW. It's a life if misery, unhappiness, and a lot of sleepless nights that you'll never get back. My sympathy to all of you out there.

Find a good lawyer to get him out! That is terrible...

I am married to a Police Officer too.... I am a Paramedic so our worlds conflict,,,,, was married to him before he was a police officer but psychologically should have never been deemed fit to carry a gun per the United States Air Force which I found out after the fact..... I am usually strong willed but he has destroyed that.... I fear for every move I make... NEVER feel like I can speak the truth without being labeled and even when I do.... its just not good enough..... our marriage has and always will be do as I say not as I do he can do saY COME GO AS HE PLEASES.... I cant go to his department for help because well you know the ALL MIGHTY THIN BLUE LINE CRAP..... so where do I go to help me get beyond this tyrant and onto my life.... He has already succeed in letting me know no other person will ever truly love me,,,,, HELP ME PLEASE I HATE THIS

get out now

My ex-husband, who is a cop going to law school, divorced me nearly a year ago. We have two very small children ages 2 and 5. Since the uncontested divorce was final, he was remarried in less than 4 months time. We were married for 7 years and I never realized just how bad the emotional abuse had gotten until we were apart. He is still abusive and continues to try to control my life. If it's bad now, it will be even worse with children. He has used my children against me and now not only hurts me, but hurts them. Since his new engagement he has petitioned our parenting plan and seeks full custody of the children. I am fighting for my children and we now await a trial date for the judge to decide what is best for the children. He has used the law against me in the small county we reside in and the law has his back. Since the divorce, I have been arrested 3 times and still awaiting the outcome of the misdemeanor charges. I have filed reports of threats and misbehavior, but nothing has been done to change his behavior. I once felt like I was in your shoes and I wish I had done something about then instead of trying to keep the bonds of marriage intact. I wish you the best of luck.

I am in the process of divorcing a cop. He had been very emotionally abusive and kept me isolated. I was not allowed friends, and I was not allowed to spend his money. He had made threats to put my body in the pond, but they would likely find the body. And since the courts generally suspect the spouse first, he would just rid of my body so there was no proof of murder. He claimed that he needed to have 8 hours of sleep because he had to be alert since he carried a gun. If I woke him up, it must mean that I wanted him to die. We sought counseling 2 months after we were married because he got physically disruptive in front of our child. He later was pissed because the counselor "sided" with me. I couldn't call the cops in our small town because the one other law enforcement officer in the town was his best friend. He had been asking me for a divorce for two years before I even left. I was numb. I begged for marriage counseling to save the marriage, but after the 1st session he picked up the divorce papers. I took my precious babies and fled. I thought the worst was behind me, I was free. However I was wrong.
I gave him everything but the Kirby (literally), and thought the divorce was going to be finalized 6 months after I left. However, that was almost three years ago, and it has been a nightmare finalizing a parenting plan. He uses the children as pawns, calls me names in front of them, and already has a ring on wife #3's finger. I was allowing him to take the kids on his set days off Tues-Th, but his schedule soon changed to rotating shifts and days off. My kids don't know if they are staying or going. He even gave me an edited work schedule saying he had training but really he had taken his new girlfriend on vacation.
I try so hard to put a smile on my face around the girls in front of him, but he just tells them to lie to me and not listen to a word I may say. (since cops don't lie and all) I know my children will understand all of this when they are older, but they recognize it now. Yet the courts don't take a child's word until they are at least 12 years of age. I have to break free. I plan to move across the country in order to be free of his control. Now he is demanding the court give me a pysch eval and I would love to return the request, but he has already passed several at work. How in the hell does that happen? I feel stuck in a corner. My first lawyer told me to face the facts, my soon to be ex is a cop and he is going to win. So now I have another lawyer who hasn't done much. We attempted a mediation and the mediator asked me if my ex's testicles were made of brass. The mediator reassured me I was divorcing the badge and the ego.
After reading the actions of a narcissist's emotional abuse, I very much can relate!! I may have been broken, but in no way do I want him to break the spirit of my children. I have already had to save Santa Clause too many times because his ego wants them to know who really bought the gift. I was always there to buffer his treatment towards the kids, now, I am just hopeful the courts will recognize this abuse. I feel helpless as if no one is in my corner and I am fighting the Law. This time the LAW will not win!

Hey Everyone, I was abused by these creeps after being stopped by them a few times. These are the same guys that are control freaks in their cars. They take things out on us the citizens as well. All I have heard is why I am launching a website soon called Cop Stop News . com. For the arrested, accused, and abused. Just a place to tell your stories, so we can stand up and stop this insanity. Good luck all, please get out, document it all , take pictures, record the abuse, give them a ultimatum, and get help. This is more the reason for my website, God Bless, Please don't take it anymore. They will not change unless they realize their problems. They are sick, and if they don't admit to it.......RUN...and never look back. Your life is much more valuable than this!!! God Bless You and Give you Strength

Not sure if it is being a cop or just him. He probably would be the same no matter what his job. He needs to see a shrink. If he won't he really is in denial. I would just lay it on the line with him. For heavens sake, don't even consider having a kid with him. He has issues. Good Luck

Yo are right. It will get worse. I was married to a cop for 17 years and we have 4 children. He was verbally abusive,emotionally abusive, and extremely controlling. It only gets worse. He started physically going after me and our dog. He also became addicted to drugs. ( know that now) I have divorced the bastard in 2012. I will worn you, dovorcing a cop is very difficult. The court will always be on his side, even if you have evidence of abuse. My ex owes $80,000 in child and alimonoy support. I have been in the courts for now 3 years trying to get him to pay. Be careful because police departments will do whatever is takes to protect their own. I have 4 kids and 2 of them and myself have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder. Please take my advice, cut your losses now. It will only worsen and if you bring children into this it will be devistating to them. My ex has not seen his kids in over 2 years. Also, his entire family walked away from the kids. Grandparents included! Best of Luck

I was married to a Bso ... A motor cycle cop... We lived in ftlauderda .. He is a cop now a Bso cop.... He still lives in Ftlauderda ...I loved him with all my heart was faithful cooked cleaned worked hard... We both did...he knows what he did toooo me so bad I can't even write about it ..... I forgive him ..... But if he would say sorry to me and really look at me and said sorry ..... I would not have gone threw so much pain .... I was his 2 marriage ....Karl poehl say sorry to me please ....integrity .... Is what you swore to do when you became a cop.... God bless all ... No matter what you can't help who you fall in love with ... But if you hurt someone really really bad for your own happiness ..... Your life will never be happy until you clear the past up with those you have hurt ....sorry goes along way.... And I hope I hear that from the man I thought he was.

I was married to a Bso ... A motor cycle cop... We lived in ftlauderda .. He is a cop now a Bso cop.... He still lives in Ftlauderda ...I loved him with all my heart was faithful cooked cleaned worked hard... We both did...he knows what he did toooo me so bad I can't even write about it ..... I forgive him ..... But if he would say sorry to me and really look at me and said sorry ..... I would not have gone threw so much pain .... I was his 2 marriage ....Karl poehl say sorry to me please ....integrity .... Is what you swore to do when you became a cop.... God bless all ... No matter what you can't help who you fall in love with ... But if you hurt someone really really bad for your own happiness ..... Your life will never be happy until you clear the past up with those you have hurt ....sorry goes along way.... And I hope I hear that from the man I thought he was.

I was married to a cop for over 10 yrs. I would of left within the first year. Instead I stayed thinking things would get better. Added 2 children to the mix then I was stuck a stay home mom no income or place to go..
I would run as fast as you can even with the clothes on your back only and breath a sign of relief your out and stay out and you need not see him again. :) With kids your never free to never see him again ever.

Personally I would say DON'T marry a police officer. I have read and heard all the stories over the last few years, and have got the tshirt. Why else is the divorce rate so high in the Police, save your self the agony and stress

I am currently evaluating my situation and trying to figure out how to get out. I have been with my husband for about 7 years now and we have been married for about 8 months. He has killed me. I am not happy. I have always been a fun energetic person without a care in the world. Now, I am depressed, self conscious, paranoid, and I feel worthless. Nothing I ever do is right to him. He has made comments about women and their role (barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen). He has a tendency to blame everything on me. Everything is my fault. Even our families agree with him (so he tells me). My attitude "is what causes problems." Our arguments are my fault. What he says to me is my fault because I dont know when to shut my mouth. A woman belongs behind a man, not beside them. When he hits me, that again is my fault because I need to learn my role. I am a teacher and I am always being ridiculed about that. Its not a real job. Only his job is a real job. Now we fight a lot because I havent found a teaching job yet. I am subbing which means lack of consistent income. I have nothing. I am a strong willed woman and I stand up for myself. That is something that I will not let go of. Its the only thing keeping me going. My problem is that I am drowning in bills (student loans that I cant do anything about) and I rely on him financially. Right now there is no way out for me. I love him with all of my heart. I really do. He has gotten me through a lot of s*** but now hes putting me through even more. Thats not love. I cant even tell you the last time I told him that I loved him. I do but I just cant bring myself to say it because I know he doesnt respect me. Last night was pretty much the last straw. A friend of his (another cop) hit me in the face joking around but I was so offended and caught off guard that I got upset and started crying. Well he flipped and told me I was being stupid and the argument between us was our fault because I chose to take the smack to the face the wrong way. Idk maybe its just me but I thought it was completely disrespectful and I expected my husband to stand up for me seeing that I was upset about it. He didnt and then he told me that I needed to know that if it ever came to him having to choose between me and his "brother", I needed to know where I stood. So basically I was given the finger. This coming from the guy who last week asked me when we were going to start trying for children! WTF! Anyways, long story short I tried going upstairs to bed and he followed me upstairs and started screaming at me. Again I said, I just wanted you to stand up for me because what his friend did was ignorant and uncalled for. He then said "you want to ***** about being hit. Ill show you what being hit is really like" he then threw me on the bed and continued to hit me in the side of the head like six times. Whats pathetic is that he kept saying "wheres your ******* obama now? you stupid f***ing women need to learn your role." His friend just left. He did nothing! He just let him hit me around! I had in stud earrings and they came out bent. I have holes in the side of my head from the posts stabbing me. My ear/head is bruised and swollen and hurts so much. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a car. He is working today so I have spent the day taking pictures of everything and documenting everything. I will get out. I just have to make sure that I am prepared for this battle. I am worth more than this. I deserve more. I just have to get ready for the change mostly financially.

GET OUT NOW. (When he isn't home). Leave everything. Can get it later with police escourt. THERE IS NO LOVE THERE EVER. NO KIDS YOU ARE IN A VIOLENT ENVIRONMENT. Call a crisis line for woman for nearest place to go.
Forget, debts and all your life is with more than any debt. He is controlling big time and loves it. MOVE FAST BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. A womans shelter is secure, cameras all around and he can't get to you. They will help you once you get inside there door I guarantee. Be alive not dead. Best move you will ever make. Life is short don't waste yours on him and please do it immediately. Those who hesitate lose or in your case are killed. RUN.

Well that's why I put his name out there see how the brother hood news travels maybe then they may realize how much they did hurt someone they said they loved ...&amp; This man really hurt me out of respect he should say sorry ... &amp; that would be all I need ... He has my number ..... He may even feel better as a person for doing the right thing... &amp; it would make me so happy to hear those four letter words...sorry....

I spent 25 years of my life married to a police officer. We are now divorced as of October 2012. I will never be the same again because of the mental and verbal abuse that sounds so similar to yours. Just leave now. It gets worse. I had unrealistic hope. When I met him we were both 19. He was so excited about the day he was going to be a police officer....he seemed mature beyond his years. Now, I know that was not maturitiy it was a part of his personality where he had to control. In our state you have to be 21 to be a police officer and he was hired by the city police shortly after. We dated for 3 years and married. Had our first child 2 years later. Two days before her first birthday he said he needed to tell me he lost his job. I couldn't comprehend what was to be said next. He was forced to resign because he had sex with a woman in our home while he was supposed to be on duty. It gets worse. She accused him of rape. I will never know the truth because I was at work. He said it was just consensuial. I was stupid enough to stay with him. She wouldn't press charges but he did lose his job. The Chief of Police let him resign or basically had no choice. For a year he was a electrician. The Chief liked him and didn't believe the female. My ex went to that same Chief for a letter explanation and recommandation to apply at the Sherffs Dept. The Sheriffs Dept knownling hired him. I have documentation. That was 22 years ago that he was hired by them and he is Captain over patrol. WOW. I have anger beyond control at him and myself for letting that bastard treat me that way. I am getting counseling but have a long way to go. My desire to destroy him as a police officer and human took over. I have humiliated him in every way possible. I knew Iwas going to leave and had an affair with a very well known person that was much older. The day came he found out and the person had the affair with kept calling his precious Sheriffs Dept because my ex threatened to kill him. He became the talk of department as nobody could understand why I chose the much older man over the handsome police officer. It was because he was nice to me and I forgot what that was like for a man to be nice and shower me with positive attention. That Chief that helped him get on at the Sheriffs Dept was my lover after the divorce....just because I wanted to torture my ex police officer husband as much as possible. End result....I've lowered myself to his standards due to a broken heart (multiple times) made a joke of myself in the community and people feel sorrry for him. I don't know if I will ever be OK again. He really believes he is my victim as he brought the situation on himself. If you treat someone so poorly evently you will pay a price. I guess we will both pay. He is also all about his image. He is a fake and phony person but very good at it. Now, he is an alcoholic, depressed and some think suicidal. I had another child with him 10 years after our first one. I still have to deal with him as that child is a minor. I don't think this will ever end,

Please everyone read Melanie Tonia Evans, she has the most amazing blog to help us all identify everything writen her and how to change the way we think and handle these men.
My experience was so bad with a police officer husband that I can't even write about it. God bless.

I think a lot of cop spouses put up with a lot of their "decompressing".

I know lots of cops who are controlling and extremely egotistical. They feel the world owes them. They "put their lives on the line every day so we can sleep". They are trained well. They know what they can and can not say. They know what a "threat" is and how to word things just the right way to make you feel insignificant and stupid. They can be very manipulating and turn everything into your fault. Then, add drink in there and they say more hurtful things and distance themselves even more. They blame constantly.

For me, everything is always my fault and unless I apologize and be completely submissive, it is a FIGHT. And even though I should have (a few times) called, I dare not call the police. I've been waiting for it to get "better", but it has only gotten worse.

Be honest with him. Cover your ***. Keep a journal of things he has done and does. My lawyer advised me to keep a journal of everything that happens and to keep it at work so he doesn't find it. Try marriage counseling?? but with the temperment of a 'cop', they feel they're being attacked if a suggestion is made on an area where they MIGHT be able to focus on.

Life is way too short (especially when there are no children involved) to waste it on someone who is immovable and unkind.

(yes, I am still trying to convince myself of this as well) Good luck........

As a child that was put through that environment, I am saying: DON'T. If you are putting yourself through it, it is your business--children cannot choose.

Okay, it's time I come forward too. I live in Canada and I'm married to a significantly abusive man (physicaly, mentaly, sexualy, and financially) who works with the RCMP as a police officer. We have two young toddlers. When we started to date, there was a lot of romance, and then things begin to change over time. I got pregnate before we got married and our daughter had medical issues that need weekly care at the children's hospital. My husband went for a career change from consulting to policing which significantly decreased our finances, but I supported him as this was his dream. I stayed at home as a housewife since 2007 (I also dropped out of university to care for our daughter).
During our early marriage, my husband told me that his ex wife was crazy, medicated, and suicidal. He began to tell me that I was crazy and that I needed an assessment. Whenever we fought and I tried to create a safe space away from him, he would follow me and stay in my face until I would be sobbing. After the birth of our son the abuse continued to the point that that I became depressed and was diagnosed with anxiety. My husband continually told me I was crazy, a bad mom, and he isolated me from not just my friends, but my family and the things I was always involved in prior to marriage (I.e., church, volunteering). Things got progressively worse and to the point that I was granted an EPO, and then later I agreed to a metual restraining order that allowed me and the kids with sole possession of the house. Even after the seperation my ex continues to abuse me, and harasses me. I field a police complaint on him do to the harassing emails from him, and even worse I now have to apply for financial assistance as he has limited my funds and instructed me to give him a grocery list if I needed food. I have a great lawyer and I'm getting good advice and help from great organizations, but even with that said my ex during the EPO hearing flipped everything onto me saying I was the abuser, and now with my claim of divorce being based on his abuse I'm not looking toward reading his affidavit as I'm sure he will once again drage my name through the mud by calling me crazy. It's hurtful and demeaning. I wish all you the best trying to safely get out. As I know first hand how hard it is! I had to change the locks at the house, and I'm even prepared to go to a women's shelter if needed.
God bless.

sad how manipulating they can be, isn't it?


Been at a Woman's Shelter. Best move you can make. THERE WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE ANY CHANGE. Get out of the explosive environment while you still can. Hesitate and your too late. Life over. That what you want to gamble with?

My daughter dated a police officer. After a few months he was shot while on duty. During his recuperation he preposed. They got married and he adopted her daughter in less than a year. I have heard bad stories about things that happen when someone marries a cop. The alienation from friends and family, abuse, no help is available to the spouse and family because the police stick together. I will eventually loose my child and grandchild to this man, i can see it already. My grandchild was not allowed to stay with us while they were out of the country on their homeymoon. He said it was better she stay with his father. She doesnt even know his father!! She was at a strange mans house for 2 weeks! By the way, his father is a retired police officer. My daughter is very strong. I pray that she doesnt let this man get the better of her. I hope she sees what ive been seeing for some time now. It will be his way or no way. Im still very scared and upset. My daughter and granddaughter deserve to be happy and safe. My daughter is smart, educated, self reliant, head strong, a great mother, she knows what she wants and goes for it. Im very proud to be her mother. I love them both very much. Please, if someome can give me help in any way. I need peace.

Your instincts are right on. You have every right to be scared and upset. He is going to take who you love the most away from you by use of control. Control
is what feeds there ego. Retired police officer. Another control. Everything is slipping away slowly and you sre smart enough to catch it early.
Talk to your daughter (hopefully your really close) about how you feel. Also talk to your family doctor asap because your doctor will put you in connection with the right agency/services to help you before they take over. They are snakes in the grass and no what to say to get there way.

I say pray god will always help

Leave now and don't look back! I have been married to police officer for 10 years now. My phone is under constant surveillance...I am always being accused of cheating...and I have never cheated. We have 2 kids together which is why I have stayed....but I am realizing that my kids deserve more. I am setting myself up with a better job and pray the good Lord give me strength to divorce a man that I love but just can't tolerate his verbal abuse any longer.

I know how you feel. I loved my ex-police office husband right up to 6 months ago and I have been seperated for 2 years. I am counting down to sept 2 when my divorce will finally be effective. Unless he files another motion. He was such a horrible person that even his lawyer finally dropped him! You have the strength, it will just hurt for a long time.

Verbal abuse has nothing to do with love its control and breaking you down inside your mind. Seek councelling. They are great at dragging there feet through the courts. Don't cling to poison. Think of all the positives that your new life will have. Write them doen and you will be surprised how many you have and you can always add more to your list. Everything will be your decision, how refreshing and enpowering.,

Just to let everyone know when the say its you!!!!....., its always them hiding from something they are doing... It's called tricky tricky


I am in a very, very similar situation, but we do already have kids, two little boys. I hope you left. I wouldn't give up my kids for the world, but the stress if living with my verbally & mentally abusive police officer husband has killed my self esteem & ruined most, if not all, of the other meaningful relationships in my life. I feel very alone. EVERYTHING is my job around the house and in our relationship. I would warn any woman NOT yo marry a police officer- they are trained yo believe they are better than others, and are condescending and hateful even to the people they are supposed to love most.

I am so relieved to read your post, and others on here. I went throught the very same, see my posts on divorcing a police officer and divorce after 25 years. I was a door mat for so long and have lived with the guilt of being the one that left and walked out.

I am getting married to a Trooper in July, that is if I don't get out now like I know I should. We have a 2 month old who he basically charmed me into getting pregnant with his child, being a stay at home mom, and basically devoting my life to our family. I can't believe I fell for the bs. Constant put downs, never doing anything right, all my friends are bad so now I don't have any, etc... Help! I feel like I'm losing it

I feel ya. I wonder sometimes if it is the long hours or just these men that don t get enough control at their job they bring it home.
I lost all my friends to most of them said i was crazy for staying the eight years and going back and forth. My sappy heart got the best of me.

I was with a cop for 14 years to find out he was married to someone else for 11 out of the 14 years. he was verbaly and mentaly and physicaly abusive along with tracking my every move every phone call even down to dna test on my clothing to see if i was cheating on him. when in return not only was he still in a realationship with his wife and others while with me we have a 11 year old child he also has a 17 year from another woman not his wife while married . although i tried tom get help from the local police who acted like they were there on a socail call if they showed up at all. the local majistraight and judges also all personel friends of his no help there either .... if u can get out run and stay as far away as you can !!

I am writing about being married to a police officer, who has abused me. One day I packed up and left never to return. It was the BEST decision I have ever made. Everytday I wake up and think about all of the years that have gone by that was wasted on hopes of him changing. Taking classes in college and driven to manage on my own financally has been the best therapy for me. It is so wonderful that I do not have to endure anymore mental and physical abuse from him. This is ME time now..........we can do so much better when we get out of an abusive relationship/marriage. It seems overwhelming to leave and start anew-but it is even more overwhelming to stay and endure all the abuse. I promise you.

I too am married to a police officer for 13 years. He's been a huge pain in my a**!! If you are already having doubts, that alone should answer your own question. GET OUT now! Trust me, all your doing is setting yourself up for dissapointment. Save the trouble and heartache for your unborn children. Police Officers make the worst husbands. That is proven fact. They are controlling, degrading, condesending, paranoid and emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive. Save yourself the touble and your unborn children the heartache. Know your self worth and see your future happy!! Remember.....marriage is suppose to be fruitful. Good luck!

Having children with this man could very well bring you great grief. I married a cop 7 years ago. He has his good side, but he also has an angry side (from abuse as a child, no doubt) and I realize now that he has never been able to be a true friend to me. He thinks women are for sex and housework, and not for friendship, and I'm sure many of his macho buddies think this way also. He was also in the military, and many of his macho friends there didn't respect women either. His true love is his job (which he definitely prioritizes over me) because being in control and getting approval for his work is what he needs to keep up his self esteem. Admitting failure or mistakes in a marriage would crush his self esteem, so working at his marriage is something that he avoids, while going to work is safe and rewarding. I believe he is angry with women (his mother, his ex-wives, everyone most likely), and he copes by being rigid and controlling and hurtful in subtle ways that are often under the radar to others, and sometimes he's outright mean and vengeful. This keeps me at a distance, probably to protect him from whatever he thinks I might do to him. I don't think this is BECAUSE he is on the force. I think this is WHY he joined the force. I'm sure that there are some cops who do not fit this stereotype, but honestly I think that people who are controlling, angry, punitive, etc. are drawn to this career. And according to my police counselor, they are highly unlikely to change, because they think they are right (they have a character defect known as moral anger, but it is not a rational moral anger) and they think that everyone else is wrong or crazy. I think it would take a true miracle for my husband to change. I've playedmy part in it because I allowed the disrespect without consequences, and I should have left long before we got married. Even if the abuse is not physical, if it is consistent enough in small doses, it eats away at your own self esteem until you are brought down to his level. My husband was like this BEFORE he joined the force, so if being on the force makes angry, controlling men worse, then the story won't have a happy ending. I don't believe in divorce. Yet, I'm starting to wonder what other realistic options there really are, as this is a very unrewarding life living with a cold and distant, argumentative man. Some women who are saints, or stoic, might be able to do it and still manage to keep their self respect. It still wouldn't be a wonderful life, but the person might manage to fill her life with other things (friends, family, career) such that it might be bearable. But one would need to learn to NEVER allow the police husband to push her buttons (hurt her) by anything he said or did, that is, just to brush everything off. My sister once told me to lie to him and just agree with everything that he says, just to make life easier. I don't think I have what it takes to ignore the smoldering anger without it bringing me down, so I'm left with few options. I would have liked to have children. We were going to adopt. Then I realized that it would not be a good environment for a child. His first wife came to the same conclusion. Family life with a cop would only be good if he saw his wife as his partner/ friend and he valued her over his career. If not, there is little hope that he will give any consideration to your needs or desires in life, as he'll be too wrapped up into meeting his own needs. Just my humble opinion coming straight from what seems like my own personal battlefield.

Run, I hope it is not to late. Do not follow your sappy heart. My trooper husband and I had a great relationship, until we moved upstate due to his job. Near his family. I started work, my parents got sick and died of cancer, then I got pregnant so I was soon on maternity leave and no close friend or family around. I guess this made me venerable or less than. because that is when our great life ended. It seemed there was no pleasing him, and he was quick with the dissatisfied looks, put downs that he would then claim he did not say or I took it wrong, or I was way too sensitive. As I look back, yes living with someone who tells you in many ways that you are not good enough does make you sensitive. Often when I made dinner, he would cook another meal...for choices he would say if I questioned why. I became insecure and depressed. I went on antidepressants. He in turn told his family I was crazy and taking pills. I felt betrayed at how quickly his family took up his sword, clearly it is the that they are not related to is to blame. More isolation. I am passed these events now, I told my therapist I wish I could go back and hug that poor girl who just had a baby and the other most important person in her life decidedly began putting me down, diminishing me. I will never understand why. But My kids are older now and I decided the walking on eggshells atmosphere was worse than a divorce. So I advocated for myself....and it felt great. I was finally the one to say your right, this isn't working. As he had so often said to me. But mine wasn't for control or a put down. I was dead dog serious. We are now in counseling. 2 years now. I almost died with breast cancer prior to that, I don't even think he would have been that ripped up if I did, because in his mind he so easily found fault in almost everything I did, that we truly became enemies for a while. HAT A HORRIBLE ATMOSPHERE TO LIVE IN. now I take thongs one day at a time. On days he is angry, I steer clear. My advice to you is if there are any signs of this now....RUN it will get worse.

I too am married to a police officer, and have been living through enormous abuse emotionally, mentally and even physically. It all started the same as your story with control and interrogation type of things. Always wanting to know where I am and what I am doing, then there were all the times he spent with other women. That is another story in it's own. <br />
Long story short, I lived with him, then left when things got bad-he begged me back and I went back. This happened throughout 14 years of our lives, until I ended up marrying him a year and half ago. After many years, I thought we would make it together, after all that we had been through. I could never have been more wrong. It got worse, he cut me off financially and made me beg him for grocery money and household supplies. He would spit on me, physically push me into the bedroom wall, throw things at me, spit on me, blew his nose on me, and called me every sick derrogatory name in the book. He threatened to have me arrested, medicated, locked up and have me thrown out of our house. When I told him I was going to report him, he told me that HE was the police and that nobody <br />
would believe me-that he told them I was crazy already.<br />
He talked about his chief, his co workers amd made fun of them, along with other people in the community.<br />
Last thing that happened, he smashed me in between a door and door fr<x>ame. I had severe bruising and finally had the courage to go see someone at a hospital about my injuries. They called the State Police, who came to the hospital and interviewed me about what took place. They also took pictures and it was sent to the Attorney General last I knew. I filed a Personal Protection Order against him from another county due to the fact he has connections in the town he works in.<br />
I have had a police car from another dept. nearby sit by my house for 10-15 minutes, never coming to the door, his girlfriend (one of them) approach me to tell me how terrible I am to "do this to him" (file a Personal Protection Order) and many things to have to deal with.<br />
They have control issues (NOT ALL OF THEM). HE has control issues, and the people he works with honestly do not know all the trauma and injuries I have endured. All they know is what he tells them, or has told them. It took me all of this time to have the courage to mujster up just to go to the hospital, because I thought he would honestly kill me if I talked to the State Police or went to the hospital.<br />
I still do not know what is going to happen-Ido, however have journals and my counselor has journals and notes from all of the things that have happemed (him choking me, spitting on me, pushing me down, pushing me into a wall, and smashing me in a door -along with a lot of othr abusive things he has said and done to me.) I have some video footage and audio of some of this abuse and hav given it to a few people, and I still have a copy.

My daughter was married to a cop just like your husband--get out while you can-- and don't have any children with him. Please, he will make your life a living hell if you have a child and get a divorce.

Only you can decide that. I think you need to try counseling first. I know cops sometimes get stigmatized if they ask for professional help. Be careful, make sure if it does escalate to violence, that you go to a shelter. Or better yet, call the shelter and tell them that your husband is a cop. They hopefully will help you.<br />
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