Controlling Husband

I have been married to a controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive husband for 20 years.  He is 10 years older than me and I was only 20 when I married him.  I never recognized his behavior as abusive until just this winter 2011.  We had relocated to a different state and was staying at home until the kids got settled.  Being alone with my thoughts, I started to realize how controlling he was as his behavior became worse.  I became unhappy until I didn't feel any love toward him anymore.  I began to want my independence more and more and when I told him I wanted to visit some old friends out of state, he became very angry and told me he wanted a divorce.  I did end up going to see my friends but the day I was driving home he just kept calling me and texting me with what felt like threats to me. It made me so crazy and unhappy, I told him I wanted to end things as soon as I walked in the door.  That's when his behavior got even more out of control.  The next day, he went to work only to come home a few hours later to tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me.  It scared me.  The following day he did the same thing only he told me he wanted counseling.  I had mentioned counseling to him before but he insisted there was nothing wrong and that we don't need counseling.  When I told him that day I wasn't interested in counseling, he just went crazy and started screaming.  He left the house for 20 minutes only to return and hug me and tell me how sorry he was.  He held me so tight I got scared that he was going to hurt me. I told him I had to get out of the house.  He then stared screaming saying he was going to drive his car off a cliff and stared talking about ending things.  He told me to get out of the house and to not let the kids come home because he didn't know what they would find.  I got so scared that he was going to hurt himself and I ended up calling the police from my car since he wasn't picking up the phone.  As I was driving around I noticed him getting in his car and driving off.  I went home and waiting for the police.  When the officer got there I told him what happened.  As the officer was leaving he noticed the hand-written suicide note left on a table in the house.  There was also another note on his computer.  My husband ended up being picked up by police and taken to a hospital.  They only held him until he underwent counseling that same day.  Alot has happened since then, he has extracted a private email from my computer and has threatened to publish it online and send it to all my friends, he has threatened to destroy my life and reputation.  He always had spyware on my computer and since we were living together, he was always watching what I was doing and asking me for answers.  I filed earlier this year and he has moved out but still won't let go.  He also had a locator device on my cell phone and has threatened to go to my job.  He text messages me and keeps calling me.  He just won't leave me alone.  I don't know how to stop it because I'm also afraid of what he'll do to me if I don't answer the phone or texts.  He is really obsessed and always makes me sound like everything is my fault.  He refuses to accept any blame.  He has threatened to kill himself 2 other times as well.  All he does is sit around alone and think and threaten me with how he is going to hurt me worse than how I hurt him, how he is going to make me hate him and is going after everyone else involved.  I don't know what to do.  I just want out and want him to accept it.  Everytime I go out he says I'm neglecting my kids.  He is constantly making me feel bad about myself.  He just won't let me be happy and move on.  He refuses to move on as well and everytime I mention it he gets mad as well. He says he won't stop until everyone is ruined  especially me.  I wish he would just accept that I don't want to be married to him anymore.  He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.  It's all me according to him.  I just can't live this way anymore. 
loop71 loop71
8 Responses Jun 19, 2011

I am in the same situation. One difference is we are not married. We have been together for 5 years and we have a 2 year old son. It was when I had our son I was able to sit and see the person he actually is. He has been out of the house for 2 months and won't stop. Saying I am ruining all of our lives and this is my fault and I am choosing this. All this would stop if I would just give it another chance. I know deep down in my bones that I don't want to do that. Other times I know he is right. But I know I would not be happy and in the end it would affect my son. I am stressed making myself sick. On the verge of including the court system. I don't want to do that but I don't know what else to do.

my husband is a controller i have been married for 12 years we have two kids 4 and 6 he has make me have sex when i dont want to. he has blocked and lock doors with me and him in there would not let me out he has knock phone out of my hand he has threated me to take my kids away. he has changed locks on house with me anfd out. i want to leave out state with my best friend but iam scard that he will come and take kids away from me..... please help thanks

OMG it sounds just like my soon to be ex-husband except for the suicide threats. Girl, from experience you need to stay away and go through with the divorce. He will never change people like that do not change it only gets worse and will escalate into physical violence. I know this from personal experience. There are two books you definately need to read the first one is " The verbally abusive relationship" and the second one is "Controlling people" there are both written by patricia evans. They will help you understand that your not crazy, that its not your fault and that you are not the one with the problem. He is

I am leaving my controlling husband soon for the exact same reasons. We have been married for 22 years and I started to realize his behavior was wrong about 6 years ago.<br />
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How did you know you had spyware on your computer? How did you know you had a locator device on your cell phone??

Honey, you need to close this chapter of your life and move on. Go to the police and file for a restraining order. Make sure that it states NO CONTACT AT ALL. Every time he calls, call the police. Better yet, get a new cell number so you can begin the detachment process. Go and speak to your Supervisor at work and explain the situation to he/she and ask that no phone calls from him be passed on to you. You also indicated that you have children, get the RO to include them as well. Once you get the RO, notify the schools of this so he cannot contact them through the schools. Find a support group in your area that is for abused woman and begin going. You also need to find a good divorce atttorney in your area and begin the process.<br />
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If you need an anonymous shoulder do not hesitate to write.

@ Smartz166. Let's just assume that the poster did not give all the information about herself because no information was given about herself apart from the information that the poster wanted us to hear about her spouse. The person described here is indeed in a bad relationship with their spouse. How one jumps from a bad relationship with a spouse to a dangerous situation for their children is not recognized as sound judgement by anyone that negotiates on behalf of families here on planet earth. Bottom line is that these kids (assuming they exist) were raised by the both of them, so it is not rational to remove a parent by way of R.O. from the information offered. I'd suggest marriage counseling. People that want help are honest about their own behavior and can learn how to fix it. People that are not honest eventually learn how to co-parent very well. Once co-parenting is established planet earth calls it 'happily divorced'. That is what tax payers agreed to, sorry. Zero tolerance for seedy sociopathic behavior in the courts.

First and foremost : You are not responsible for his actions or words. You are only responsible for your own. As cold as this sounds - call his "suicide" bluff and detach detach detach. He tries to bluff you hang up the phone, remove yourself from the situation, leave. Do not engage in his silly games.<br />
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If he threatens you, call and file a report for threatening behavior. Get a RO (restraining order). Call every time he violates the RO. Protect yourself and never mind what he may put out there from your private email. It's a small price to pay to remove yourself from him.

Oh my word - you poor dear ..... get as far away from him as you can .... go to the police and file a complaint and obtain a restraining order .... he will get worse until he does hurt somebody there a support group for abused woman nearby ? ..... contact them or someone who can poin t you in the right direction he is abusing you !!! good luck sweetheart !