Post

Leaving A Controlling, Abusive Husband

I am planning on leaving my controlling abusive husband. I am scared to leave though. I know why. It is because he has made me feel I cannot do anything without him.  I want to leave, I just need the courage to take the first step, find a place of my own.

blueeyes2010 blueeyes2010 36-40 42 Responses Nov 8, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I have been married to a very controlling man for 8 years now. He always makes it seem like I was the one who was ungrateful. He never says sorry and tells me my feelings of sadness or wanting fairness is something i cooked up on my own and he has nothing to do with my feelings. i have tried to write and speak in terms he could understand but he dismisses it. Tried marriage counseling but he was able to manipulate it to where he was doing everything in his power to keep the marriage together while i did nothing. We have a 3 year old son and i stay at home. I am told to always text when purchasing items, such as maxi pads, and to provide receipts of all purchases. I am called immature because I admitted once to liking comic books and some cartoons. If I have a rough day and mention it then his immediate response is how his is worse and I have it so easy. He always has to have the last word. I wanted to leave, with my son, sometime during the week when he caught wind of it and told me I was giving up on him and our family and there is no way that I will get my son. I do feel that not having a job and unknown debts, since my husband won't show me, how could I leave? What are my rights? I don't have family who can help so it would just be me and my son. My husband's family has money so it would not be an issue for him to hire an attorney. It's really bad when just today my son told me you can't take me when you run away. It's breaking my heart and I am at a lost as to where to begin and is this really real?

I was married to a very controlling and cruel man, I was married for 11 years and managed to leave him 1 year ago. I can relate to every story on the post. I had no choice, we have 3 young children. He almost destroyed me, he left me in debt and bankrupt. He is such a cruel and horrible person. He was violent and verbally abusive when I wouldnt obey with his orders, I lost who I was when I was with him. Fear become part of who I was. He had me thinking he would destroy me and take the kids off me. The best thing I could of done was leave this monster, I didnt even plan it, the night I left something inside my head clicked, almost like a switch and I took the girls and left him. I have excellent support from old friends, family and support groups. Remember it took me years, but I finally did it.

I'm planning to leave my abusive partner after 4 years of hell in 8 days, but the nearer it gets, the more anxious and scared I feel. I read something on another site, which really helped me, that courage feels a lot like fear. I will hold that thought next week and force myself through every box, bag and carload of stuff until I am out of there. It's not going to be easy and I've left twice before, and come back because he promised to change. I love him so intensely, which sounds crazy, but I've come to realise that I'm in love with a fantasy that simply doesn't exist. It would be more realistic to have a crush on a popstar. I'm 29 and he's 44. I wrote a list of all of the abusive things he has done, most of which involved physical violence, and when I got to 100, I felt sick, and couldn't write any more down. I felt so stupid for having staying this long, but now I know I'm not stupid, I've just got to ensure I don't waste any more of my young life on this control junky. He is addicted to control, and I've come to realise that that actually makes him a lot weaker than me. I've started to view his tantrums in a whole new light, I look down on them and can't believe I used to fall for the tricks he plays for so long. Thankfully we don't have any children, but I am close to his son, which will be the toughest thing about leaving. I'm so out of here! Just wish I could have a word with my heart and explain the situation, to prevent myself from having to go through all of the pain of missing him etc. I guess the worst things he did to me, in reality, were actually the best. By making the wonderful memories which punctuated the abuse, he's made it very difficult for me to detach myself emotionally. When I read the list of the first 100 incidents I recalled back to myself I had a big moment of realisation. I would advise anyone to do that as a first step. That was just before Xmas 2013. I then started looking for new places on the web and saved a few I liked, but never had the courage to arrange viewings. I'm lucky because I have a good job, a PhD, and although he's got me into a lot of debt and made it impossible to save, I can afford to leave and get back on my feet without asking anyone for financial help (just). Over Xmas he was vile to me. He kicked the bathroom door and the door frame off, stormed around the house screaming, started throwing my clothes out of the wardrobe, said it was over, and then when I said ok, but let's try and calm this down, he said how dare you agree to split up. Bluffing about wanting to split up is one of his tricks. He also threatens to throw my stuff out in a skip when I'm working away from home in London for a week, then says of course if you move out I will allow you to keep your key and take stuff as you please. I can't believe or understand a word he says so I can't take the risk of losing all of my stuff. New Year was even worse. His parents were staying and he flew of the handle, threw stuff around the kitchen and screamed at me to get out of his house. It is his house, which is quite scary for me as I'm not in touch with my family so would have nowhere else to go if he ever did actually throw me out. His Dad actually said that I should appreciate how hard my partner tries to control his anger. I had to pick my jaw up after that, couldn't believe he took his side. A few days after New Year's Day, I went and rented a storage unit for 2 months, cost £90. I couldn't believe how easy that was. It was a first step and it felt great. I couldn't believe how empowering it felt. A few days later, I booked 8 viewings of properties in my home town, over 100 miles away, which I left stupidly to be with him. I worked out exactly what everything was going to cost on a spreadsheet. I went to view the places, which were on the cheap side, and were all awful. After 4 of the viewings, I called the agent and asked if I could see some more expensive places, and the first one I saw was perfect. It was well worth the extra £150 a month. I knew from experience that if I wasn't happy, I would end up coming back. Everything has to be perfect to give me the greatest chance of not returning to this hellish existence. I called the next day to put a holding deposit down and arranged when to move in. I ordered a three piece suite, a bed and mattress all on 0% finance, to be delivered a few days after I've moved in. I've arrange for the internet to be installed, which I need for my work and every few days, when he's out, I've been moving stuff he won't notice into the storage unit. I went there this morning and just stood in this freezing cold corridor of yellow metal doors and stared at the bin bags and boxes I had stowed away. I felt so proud of myself and so happy. At least if everything kicks off and I have to leave quickly, I would have some stuff to start off with, albeit with very little spare cash for a few months. In 8 days, he will go off for the day with his friends and I will transport all of the stuff which I own, which I bought with my own money and store it all away. I will then go to say in a hotel for 3 nights and then pack up the car from the storage unit, travel up to my new house, sign the contract and grab the keys. The rest will, hopefully, be history. It all depends on my ability not to answer the phone when he calls. It will be like keeping the lid on a box of crazy frogs. Once it's open, they will all jump out and my life will be ruined again, only this time, the physical abuse will be worse, he will drag me even further into debt and I will lose another massive chunk of my personality. I can do this. I have to. I'll never forgive myself, if I don't.

Dr Gemma, you sound so much like me. I am living abroad with my husband at the moment and have been stashing away cash for a while. I stupidly gave up a career and a great life to be here with him, only to find myself daily ordered around, belittled, patronised, ignored and subjected to moods that could change in a heartbeat. I too tried leaving many times in the UK and was always persuaded to stay. I am also waiting for my husband to be away, which is happening very soon, then I can pack the rest of my things in peace and get on a plane. I am so scared, my heart is racing from the minute I wake in the morning, until I finally get to sleep at night. I like the comment about courage looking like fear, although I don't feel very courageous at all at the moment. I wish you all the very best of luck and hope that you get away safely and are able to stay free for the rest of your life. You sound determined and you have planned. The day we finally break free for good is going to be mixed with so many emotions, but I just keep thinking of all the positives that will come. Don't think about your list of bad things, make a list of what you have to look forward to. You can do this. And you will xxx

Thanks for your supportive and encouraging words. I wish you the very best of luck with your plan. Just remember, it can happen to anyone. We made one mistake and don't deserve to have to pay so dear for it. It's 10 o'clock and he leaves the house at 10.30am, and will return at midnight. The golfing day got cancelled due to bad weather forecast, so this is my only chance while he's out on a job in another city. I'm going to the supermarket, grabbing as many boxes as will fit in my car and then I'm going to start taking my stuff to the storage unit. I've got a hotel booked in another city for 5 days and I collect the keys on Saturday. I'm not going to let myself cry until I'm safely at the hotel and all my stuff is locked away, but I keep getting very close. I had to go to a dinner at the golf club with him last night and typically, he was amazingly nice. I kept having to go to the toilets to cry. I felt so guilty, still do. Just thinking of it as a job that needs doing. I have to switch off all emotions. In half an hour, I will begin... so scared, and it hurts a lot because despite everything he's put me through, I do love him, but I have to start moving on and letting those feelings die... xx

I'm so glad you've come back and let us know how you're doing. My husband was also really lovely in the week before he went away, which made me feel horribly guilty. Luckily, he had a Timmy tantrum right before he left and reminded me that the real him was still there.

I made it safely home, I'm delighted to say. I am typing on my new iPad from the comfort of my old bedroom at my parents house. They are being amazingly supportive, as are the friends I'm slowly telling.

That last moment when you leave for good is going to be very bittersweet, and you might find that you still can't cry for a while. I haven't shed a single tear since I left my apartment and got into the taxi to go to the airport. But I do feel a hell of a lot better, and I'm FREE. He has now returned from his own break and will have discovered my goodbye letter - predictably he's been texting my mum trying to get me to talk to him but he no longer has any control and that also feels good. I don't have to speak to him at all if I don't want to.

Gemma, you must be hours away from freedom now and I will be thinking of you tonight. I am sending you all the luck and hope in the world, and wishing you a smooth and speedy escape. This time tomorrow, you'll be at the beginning of your new life. Please come back and let us know when you're safe, if you can.

Xxx

Hi again, I got the boxes and made a tremendous start packing. I'd got most of my stuff from the upstairs rooms packed up and ready to be loaded into the car. Then the unthinkable happened, I heard a vehicle pull up on the drive and to my horror, he had returned. My heart started racing, I was shaking, felt like throwing up. I ran downstairs (which luckily still looked totally normal) to meet him and asked why he was back so early. He said he'd forgotten a certificate for the job he was doing. He went into his office, grabbed the paperwork, and then left. He noticed I didn't look normal and asked if I was ok. I think I convinced him I'd just fallen asleep. Then he left and I just sat there surrounded by ikea bags of clothes and boxes etc feeling totally numb. Then I panicked, and put it all bag exactly as it was. The thought of what could have happened if he'd noticed what I was doing. He's been seriously violent and I felt angry with myself for putting myself at so much risk. I'm going to sign for my new place on saturday as planned, and try to find a safer day to move my stuff out. I'm also going to ask the police if they will attend in case he comes back and catches me packing.
It's great that you have your parents' support. I haven't seen my parents for almost a decade, but my brother has been great.
I felt really down after I'd put everything away, like I'd bottled it and failed, but now I'm thinking that was a very close call and could have resulted in total disaster and I should be grateful that somehow I happened to have all of the stuff still upstairs. My hotel fee is wasted, and I'm still here, but at least I'm not in hospital. I'm also rethinking the stuff situation. I might just leave the next time he goes out for a few hours with irreplaceable things. Everything else can be saved up for and replaced gradually. It's not worth endangering myself for possessions.
Stay strong and enjoy your freedom. Your story has been inspirational to me. I will get out, hopefully one day this week, and if not then one day after I've got the keys to the new house. I will never get myself into this sort of situation ever again. I would rather be single. xxx

Oh my God, what a massive shock. You must have been terrified. I can remember panicking that my husband would return early from his break or find out some how and ruin my escape plan. You are right about the possessions though - I had to make myself detach from certain things and take only what was needed. The most important things like legal documents, cash, irreplaceable items and photos are the priority, but clothes and 'stuff' really is not worth risking your safety for. I ended up buying a whole load of new underwear and pyjamas yesterday!

You must be devastated not to still be there when you had psyched yourself up to go, I can't imagine how I would feel if my plans had fallen through at the weekend. I think a police escort is a good idea, and maybe get in touch with an agency like Women's Aid? They can set you up with a key worker who can support and advise you, and help you to leave in safety. I know you are holding out for the next stretch of time when it's clear to go, but now you've made up your mind to go, the sooner the better.

Take care and I hope you'll be on here soon to let us know that you are safe and free xxx

Be prepared for him to start harassing you once you've gone as well. My ex has been in touch with my mum several times now asking me to contact him. I won't be, but it's still hard to deal with, and you need to be mindful of the guilt and anxiety you will feel. It's natural and it can be rationalised but it's still not a nice feeling xx

The guilt feels awful. Despite the rain, the golf is going ahead, so I've arranged to hire a van at 11am and I'm going to get everything out in one go this time. There are only two problems: he could come back if the rain gets heavier, and also my anxiety and guilt and general nervousness is through the roof. I'm conscious of every breath I take and I can hear myself breathing, which only happens during and after one of his extensive rants or violent attacks. I know what you mean, you can rationalise it, but it's almost overwhelming and makes me doubt what I'm doing and whether it's the right thing or not. He's been really nice for the last week or so, but last night he got nasty again, came really close and screamed that he was going to smash a glass in my face. I was terrified, and didn't provoke it at all, but afterwards, I thought at least it will make tomorrow easier. I just hope he doesn't come back. If he starts smashing the hire van up, I dread to think how much they would charge me. I just keep focusing on being in the hotel tonight, van returned, everything I've worked so hard for in storage and texting everyone to let them know that after 4 years I finally, actually did it. Got to force myself through today. One of the most daunting things will be driving a big van for the first time down a motorway and reversing it into the loading bays at the storage place. It's not as daunting as having to make 4 trips in the car though. And I know if I only take essentials, I'll end up in more debt buying everything again, won't be able to do my job because I don't have the many books I need etc. If I can get my stuff out, I have the best chance of not coming back and truly moving on independently. I will post tonight to share my news (hopefully) xx

I know the anxiety can be overwhelming. The last two weeks with my ex, I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. Every time he started to ask me a question, every time he wanted to discuss money, and whenever he went near our shared laptop, I thought my heart would beat through my chest. On that last day, I just paced around the flat until the cabbie rang the doorbell. I also had wobbles where I feared I was making a mistake in leaving.

How I got myself through was reminding myself what I stood to gain in my life by going, thinking how devastated I would be if I couldn't go (you already know that feeling) and knowing that a lot of my fear was of the unknown. I currently have no job, no car and no desire to explain to a potential employer why I've been out of work for four months. But it still beats the life I had this time last week. My best friend also kept bolstering me by pointing out that my ex never showe remorse for the times he upset and angered me, so why should I feel guilty for leaving that behind? I know that makes it very black and white, but you need to think of what's best for you now.

Keep your mind fixed on the final goal. I know how hard it is doing all this alone, and although I was anxious all the time, I think I detached myself in the end and just did what had to be done - you said something similar about seeing it as a job that needed doing. Is there anyone who can help you move your stuff? Just to speed it up a bit? If he returns and starts threatening violence or carries it out, call 999. The police are there to protect you. Even if he tried trashing the van, it's criminal damage and the police would hold him responsible.

I also understand the apprehension driving a big van, I'd be the same! I think adrenalin will keep you going, just drive slowly and carefully. Nearly there! I'll come back later tonight and see how you got on.

Xxx

Do it..

6 More Responses

I am in the same position but my husbands cries, lies, and causes heartbreaks to everyone. I can't stand him but I try very hard to learn to live with this. Now after 48 years my childhood sweetheart has stepped into my life and I want to leave my husband because I truly love my soulmate. I want to walk out, leave my husband and fight for what I worked for. I have worked the last 4 years while he was on disability. He has diabetes and thyroid problems which I have helped him with for years. I am tired of being dead in my life. I want to live and be happy with the person I fell in love with at 12 years of age.

I'm in a similar position I am 31 I've been with my husband 19 years , but he changed when we first moved in together , he turned into a controlling alcoholic with sometimes leads him to be abusive , i tried to leave when my first son was born, when he had a pellet gun to my head I called the police had him arrested and I left , but he came looking for me promising me he would change, I believed him and I went back things were going ok he started going to work , then we had our second son things started getting bad again he stopped working we had just brought a house and I was only working part time, so I had two jobs also dropping kids of with family and friends so I could work because he would not look after them, the drinking became worse he drank as soon as he got up until he went to bed, he ended up in hospital , which was difficult as I had two jobs also the kids to juggle to see him , I was going to go then , but he promised again to change as the doctor said that he had ended up with temporary brain damage so I felt guilty buy leaving him like that , so I stopped and he still does not work sometimes he will do some work for my grandad, he will do the house work but as soon as I come back from work with the kids he goes upstairs to sleep!, when he wakes all he does is moan at me , he makes me fell crap that I no good for nothin , then he will start drinking !. He started of with shandy then after a couple of years it's gone to a couple of cans on a weekend and now it's 20 cans a week , when I ask to go out with friends he has a right go at me then try's to make me feel guilty because he has no friends , he does not go out any were , if we go out as a family he moans at me all the time about who I talk to and about my conversations with them!and if I try and dance he gives me the look! And tells me to sit down . I've been out with friends twice in the 18 years we have been together ! And he texts me all the time that I'm out, also tells me that if I'm not back at a certain time he will not be happy! And when I get in he's drunk I should be the one who is drunk but since I don't drink that would be impossible plus I was driving! Then he makes me feel guilty that he's had to stop at home with the kids while I'm out , then tells me that I ay going out again!, I'm planning on leaving him but it's a lot more difficult as he does not go out also we have a mortgage which I've worked so hard for , but I'm not sure how to leave him should I just go and hope the house and he sort it self out as we both have our name on mortgage I can not kick him out as he has rights, and if I leave I need him to do the same so we can sell the house but I can not do that unless he signs , I don't what to leave the house but I won't have a chose as he would not leave if I ask him to!but I'm determined to get out for me and my kids! I will to be able to do what I won't when I won't as I'm a adult ! I hope you have got out safety ladies !

I see the pain, mine was not physically abusive, he is a manipulative control freak. I asked for a divorce 3 years ago and spent 2 years trying to convince him to move out of my home and move back into his. He couldnt get a good job anymore so could not afford to pay the mortgage. He would go to interviews and they would never call him back. It took me so long to see the person inside. He put a false restraining order on my and kicked me out of the house. I have been scared of him ever since. I filed for divorse and the paperwork he sends in does not make sence. My attorney doesnt understand him. I think he is trying to scare me thru the divorce process. I just want this to be over so I can get on with my normal life.

I have been with my husband for 13 years. We have 3 beautiful children together. We both have good jobs, and everything looks good on the outside...but the inside is a disaster! He swears at me, at my kids, doesn't do anything around the house cause he works all day. He sets the alarm so I wake up early on the weekends to make him breakfast! He has put his hands on me, but doesn't do it all the time. He has been using pain killers every Friday night for years, and spends money recklessly. Like I said we make good money, but we also live pay check to paycheck. It used to be a lot worse, we used to fight more, and he used to break things and put his hands on me more often years ago. The only reason it doesn't escalate is because I am petrified and I keep my mouth shut now. I argue until I see that he is gonna lose it, then I back down. What can I do? Is it time to leave? How do I take my kids away from their father? I love him, but I hate him. I hate coming home to him, but I hate the thought of not coming home to him. Will it ever get better?

So what did you do?

I'm in same situation. How does a woman leave with no money and no job.

Lots of women do it.

I have the same problem!!! I am scared to leave . he is threatening me that he gets revenge if I leave him

I can relate to you, lots of support groups for women in domestic violence. Its very common for a controlling person to threaten you with revenge but actions speak louder then words..and what can he do? He will weaken once you leave..

I need advice!!! I have been married to a very controlling man for 9 years now..he is more obsessive than physically abusive unless he feels as though IM thinking about leaving him..He linked my phone to his phone so he gets all of my emails ( i am using my sisters email address for responses here) my Facebook notifications, has gps on my phone and harrasses anyone including family members and friends i aquire if he at anytime feels his control threatened..my very close cousin is afraid for me to stay at her apartment when i leave him because she knows how psychotic he willbcome..we have a 3 year old daughter together who is scared of her dad everytime we begin to argue..i had left him 1 time before when my daughter was 6 months old and in my attempt to leave he locked me in our bedroom slamming me into walls and choking me and my sister had to talk him down and convince him i was only going to stay at her house for the night..during the separation he quit his job to avoid childsupport and we lived in va at that time and they were not in a hurry to make him pay..i had a job but felt sleeping on my sisters couch was not in my daughters best interest and i regrettably went back home...we are now in Texas and have been here for 6 months..i am not allowed to work and he always says if i think about leaving that the courts will give him custody of my daughter because he will be the only one that can support her..i need advice please..IM ready to go but i need to out smart him..he will for a fact hunt me down when i go..i know i can get a restraining order i just don't have a place to go or any. Money to get a place right away...i have no problems finding work what so ever but have nothing at the moment and no family here in Texas...does anyone please have any ideas..

You do not have to be in an "abusive" relationship to be miserable. As a human being you do have the right to change that at any time.............call for backup if necessary!!!!

ABUSERS DO NOT CHANGE - you must make the change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN IN THE MIDST OF FEAR...................OR YOUR LIFE WILL JUST CONTINUE.............WHAT CAN BE MORE SCAREY THAN THAT???????????????

I was fed-up, but had no friends in the new community to support me, however, he finally tried to break my arm one nite-that was it. He is STILL controlling me, when I called 9-1-1 he had put a tiny anount of marij on coffee table and said "I was just tripping." I left in the middle of the nite, and have hidden from him since, you must get your own PO BOX #, take all money in the account, and file charges against him ASAP!!!! He will hurt/kill you eventully!!!!!! People warned me for 2 years before I finally left. I know, because these were the mistakes I made....it's hard to out-manipulate a manipulator. I have been staying in a safety shelter for several weeks, not comfy, but safe. I will do so until the divorce if final, then I will be given grant money to leave this part of the state. Prepare yourself for the Worst, it will get bad, eventually though it does calm down -living without him. YOU MUST SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING AT ANY COSTS!!!!! It will take so much longer for your soul & mind to heal than you ever imagined. I have just finished a 12 week course in Divorce Recovery, and PLEASE read the circle of controll pamplet, join as many support groups as possible, in order to make yourself whole again.
We have our first mediation on 12/5 (haven't seen him in months), and he is already trying to take EVERYTHING. I now must decide if they are really worth fighting for (thank God I have no children!!!!)
One nite I was so sad over the whole losing my house, etc. I called a hotline -they said if you survive a divorce like that with your sanity, and safety -consider yourself lucky!
Good luck - I will be praying for you - but YOU MUST GET OUT -take all legal paperwork, all keys, all checkbooks, all cellphones, etc. when you go,

Keep away, I have gone through this so many years I blame myself. He is such a lier and tries to control me and tell lies on me to manipulate me, beats me. He also has made all my friends and family stay away or tries. They hate him and keep telling me to leave, I have worked over 30 years and I can't take this anymore. I will retire and I'm walking away but our home is beautiful and paid for. The person (I can only call him person) is evil, he is so much like his Mom was to his dad. She died 25 years ago and his dad is still alive. He knows I am being abused but he tells me he loves me like a daughter and his life was finally a life when his wife passed away. He feels terrible about her death which was a long term of problems, mentally and physically. He earned a life of pleasure for a change. He is lucky to have all his family with him at all functions. I can't do this any longer. My husband is 65 and I am 62. I would rather be dead then keep on staying with him. I am planning to run away soon. I'll never go back and he can keep everything just leave me alone. I am miserable with him. I will make it, I know I will.

I am in an abussive relationship. My husband has beat me up so many times I cannot count them anymore! This is my second marriage and I feel scared about going through another divorce. Worst of all is that my children see all this! I don't know what to do!! I love him, but he leaves and I find myself looking for him! He comes back and it starts all over again. The lies and dishonesty are always there. I don't know what to do. I feel so confused and always think it might get better, but things only get worse. I would say to you, run and find the strength, but I feel what u feel.

I have been married for 3 years and 4 month to an abusive and controlling man. His ways were so subtle and precise and I was so young, naive and vulnerable that it took me so long to figure his abusiveness out.



I left him before 2 years ago and came back, because I was miserable without him, i thought because I loved him and he loved me and we were miserable separate. But I had no idea, that the real reason of my misery and confusion on my own was his constant manipulation.

We were talking on the phone all the time during time apart, we met twice or more a day and I spent some night over at his place.



I had no idea, when I went back that after the charming and promising period the abuse will only get worse.



I was not allowed to watch the only show I ever watched in our apartment, because he didn't like it. Later I wasn't allowed to watch tv all together even if I was alone at home and he was at work. He would unplug the main cable and hide it.

When he realized I found the cable, he cut it in half.



He had thrown away the food of the balcony because he thought it was too late for me to eat or he thought the food wasn't good for me. But he supported and sometimes encouraged me to drink beer first thing in the morning.



All the bills were on my name. We went to the dentist and while I was in the chair getting my tooth fixed, he gave them my information and had new teeth installed for himself using my credit without my permission!



Sex was on of the worst parts lately. Few times I felt so sick to my stomach after it I almost threw up in a shower.



He could tell me in a jocking way to bend over for a "quicky" for him, so he doesn't have to lust after women on the streets.



I left him yesterday and I do feel miserable, I try to stay strong and pretend like I am fine for the people around and they think it's not a big deal, because even if I wanted I could not explain what kind of impact this kind of relationship had on me.



I feel like people on the streets can read on my forehead "miserable and vulnerable, ready for more abuse", I am scared of everybody and everything because I used to think he was there to protect me (he wasn't but I thought so).

I sort of feel naked.



I am scared to even look or speak to other men, and I know I look awkward because people around can see that my behaviour is not quite right. I feel like all man are like him. And I am afraid if they find out I am still officially married they will count me as a *****.



I don't even know if I should wear my rings. I feel like no respect for myself without the rings, in the happy days I was proud to be a married woman. Now I am a "divorced" one.



I don't know where to seek help and how to shorten this time of recovery.



I miss him, I want him to call me, but when he does, I don't want to talk to him, because every conversation undo a little bit of my progress and makes me feel like I have just made few steps back toward him.

I hear you and understand.

I am in the same situation.

He tells me I can't make it on my own and that I will be sorry when I leave.

Tonight he told me I could not watch tv after 10 pm and when I ignored him he went outside and unplugged the cable box.

I am 43 years old.

Hello friends,



i am in the threshold of the Entrance going out. like many women hve explained that it does make us feel guilty and remorse. ((why for no fault of ours? i wonder

but yes i would like to narrate some incidents to all of you to get a feedback that what i am expeiencing is a control freak syndrome

yes it took me 28 odd years, before i realized what a big hole i dug myself into.

we are immigrants and in those days. i had no idea how things in america was. totally diffenrent from our country.

he had his family and his brother and his family is more important than me or mine

which i learned later on,

when we first got married, ( you dont know anything here , jut follow myoreders , i will tell you and just doit . even after that , i would be remprimanede it ws not done right, ---hello i just followed you, whey blame me./ i shoudl not ask that question, the roof will be torn apart

Random out bursts frequentd my house, honestly , wish i had runawy long back .

so he moved close to his dear brother and family , so he enjoy the brohtere two kids. told me frequently he loves them and that i s great sastifaction to see the girls grow. he is not interestd in family.

in the mean time i was not allowed to drive. --reason dont knowthe streets and the ways of america. i soudl just tag along with Sis and mil to do grocery shopping

clothes should be bought only when two pieces are thrown out. so there i no need to shop

if the shoe hurts yur legs will get used to it. in africa adn remote villages people dont wear anything on their feet/ now wheen i look back i feel like retorting ( in africa remote viallges people dont eat either why is it food is important , that you always faint knowing teh electric city went out, and there is no fuel to cook meals,?)

who is to say.

slowly the harrasment started to build, the family did ot see this at all. they thought he has a different personality but really he had two face, mask for them and one for me.

whet is good for them is not good for me, i dont derserve anyting, only what he deems necssary.

i should not take any obligation from them. they cannot do anythign for me. meanwhile my sis in lw had to go for some wdd9dng to our country, he jumped and offered tehy can leave and i and he will watch the two girls going to school. etc. he even took the passport and had it readay , incase the littel one cried for mamma.



when wedding came for my neice, he bullied my sis and bil not to send any inviatation as we cannot spend money to attend thse mundane functions and our money is saved only to spend vaccitons to go to geter, we go to getehr and come back .

i hve few momnets to spend with my family and that is more than enough.i have to pay a price for comign to america. and count my blessing to live a nice life. unlike others

we were planning a trip to our contry during a time when my own brother ws gettign married ,he even offered to sst the dates to our convinece, he was told we cannot commit to anytihg, he shoudl go ahead. i offered that i go before and he can come later.

his response no way, wedding are between two peopkle it is nto abig issue besdies he canot take a 11 year old and come by himself. and not take caer of my son for week.

so i missed my brothers wedding and also my neices



he is not interested in anything, plays, dramas broadway no no. it is too expensive and not worht the money, eating out is not healthy and wast of money.secondly it is not to his liking. and he does not want to spend too much time waiting for food

praying or going to temple is too tedious. itis peaceful t o pray at home.

i canot make any decisions as he may hve decided on tht day or tiem something we both hve to to, seconly that is what marriage is all about ,we have to compromise

driving to temple is a chore and i am not allowed to go alone. for varius reasons

one === no parking,

secondl if i take the new car .s omeone will damage it

if i take the old car it wil be stuck in the expreess way and he does not want to be bothered comign to helop and not feasible either.

so i need not go, i n the town we live if i accidently hear someon going , i can tag along but have to call and say i hve reached and let him know when i am leaving



now i am allowed to go only in 4 miler radius , between 10.am and 5.00 pm that too it shoudl not rain , thunder or snow. than that outing is out

no one should see my come inside the house aftr 9.00 as some burglur will b e lurking ready to kidnap me.

he does not want to wait up and open the door at night and not have to hear the clik of the key in the door

all i hve t do is to make what he says andclean or do anytihg, wehn iam in themiddle of cleaning , he has a form to sign or something stacked up so my works has to stop and his taken care off

the phones should nt answered. Everyone should leave a message and accordingly we can answer , if someone saystheyaer in town, he will mkae me call them ato make an excuse saying, we are going to be out or doing somethig

which isn othign or specail plns will be made to go to tthe temple. on ly in these circumstances we can go to the temple

once we go, weshold stay only for one hour nothing moer.

god will be unhappy fi we stayed more.



if i dont go out he is the happiest any social events is met with hostility and anger and it is grudged and time has to be set when ic anc go and come.

now i hve readched a point this is point of no return. i have to do something and i am literaly afraid i am digign my own grave staying in this relationship , wich is not at all

no respect or love. only use

i hate this charachter so much for ruining my life , wish god will hear my prayers and i am plannning to get out hopefully it should work

the plans are there but we have to excute it well

i wil keep you all posted on the goings on in the cming weeks

thanks for listening your feedback is appreciated

now i feel he is toxic control freak and is very possessive and jealous.

there is no way i can commmunicate to this brick head as he is next to line to god

It truly amazes me how many women are out there in a similar situation as I am. The problem with me is this isn't my first abusive relationship, this one just isn't AS bad as the first. (I sure can pick 'em!)



In my current marriage, we have been together 6 years and married 3 of them. I am currently unemployed simply because I have no way to get back and forth to work. My drivers license has a lien on it from my previous "husband" allowing a friend of his cousins (he didn't know him) to drive my vehicle (I was out of town and didn't give my permission). The guy was drunk and didn't have a license so they held me responsible because I was the owner. I can get it discharged by filing bankruptcy but because I can't work, I don't have the $1400. I have 3 children....a senior in HS, a freshman in HS and a 6th grader. I get no help from their fathers. I want out in the worst possible way but I have to find a job, file bankruptcy, get my license back, get a car, find a place, etc. I am, in a nutshell, stuck between a rock and a hard place.



Now for a little background on WHY I NEED out. Everything was perfect in the beginning. We got along great, we had fun, we couldn't live without each other, we listened to each other and respected each other and there was oh so much passion. Somewhere along the way, we lost it. He started going through my messages on Myspace/Facebook, the text messages on my phone, etc. I used to go out with my friends and now I never go out at all because I am taking time away from him. He works nights so sleeps all day. I have to be very quiet so as not to disturb him or he screams and yells that I am an ungrateful, stupid b****. If I am on the computer when he wakes up at random times, I am putting my "social life" before him and therefore I am selfish. He constantly calls me ugly names and is always yelling and screaming at me in front of my kids. They are sick of the horrible way he talks to me and treats me. My son (he is 14) wants to physically hurt him. My oldest and youngest (both girls) cry and get angry all the time. Nothing I do is right. He criticizes everything I do. He went to jail 2 years ago because he waved a knife in my face and said he should slit my throat and end both of our misery. I was working at the time and lost my job because of all the time I had to take off work for my domestic issues. So I ended up dropping charges and let him come home after he took an anger management class. It didn't work. He pushes me and threatens to do harm to me when he gets angry...which is about once a week at least. Usually the next day he apologizes and says that he acts that way because he just wants more love and affection from me. I reply to him that I don't feel loving and affectionate when he calls me names and screams at me upon waking up. It has a way of setting the mood for the hour I get to spend with him and I just want to be as far away from him as possible not hugging and kissing on him.



I just don't know how to start the steps needed to get out. Any suggestions??

I wept as I read these posts. I have been in an abusive marriage for nearly 8 years now. He hasn’t hit me or gotten physical with me in about 6 months, but he screams at me nearly daily (for 12 hours last Friday)! Any tiny thing will set him off (e.g., I told him about the tragic shooting last week at the Batman opening – he did a quick-slow burn and began his 12 hour tirade; he actually said, “How dare you tell me about that crime! He was probably married to a c _ _ t like you! I totally see how a man can shoot up a bunch of people and then kill himself – especially because I married the ‘alcohOlic’ that ruined my life!”). When he’s verbally abusive he dances around like a four year-old having a temper tantrum, screams at the top of his lungs, throws things, flings things, oh – and my personal favorite – makes up mocking songs about what a “C” word I am.



Everything is a tragedy to him – everyone sucks (he is one of the most arrogant schmucks I’ve ever met). His sibling is to blame for his early tragedies and I am at fault for all of his current ones.



I know it is ridiculous to blame myself, but truth be told – I have been a crappy wife. I never really fell in love with him and refused for a long time to make changes he insisted I make (e.g., break the friendship I had with my ex-husband, disassociate with anyone with whom I’d ever been intimate – or who was even related to an ex; quit drinking [although that was something I needed to do]).



Luckily, we have no children – though we have 4 pets (3 are coming with me when [if] I leave). We did have 5 and he blames me for her death (“You smoke too much [so does he], you “make me” lose my temper and she couldn’t take the stress, ya da ya da”).



Some years ago, he was despondent and threatened to kill himself (I think – we were actually both drinking and he has a clever habit of making me think I’ve blacked out – so in recounting what happened that day, he tells me that he was threatening to kill himself). He brandished a weapon and waved it around as though he meant to hurt me and the pets. I was never so scared he would kill me (well, one other time he grabbed a lighter and a squirt bottle of lighter fluid and threatened to set me a fire). I secretly dialed 911, left the phone off the hook and waited for them to arrive. I honestly wanted to get him psychiatric help, but they arrested him. I was horrified. I moved out within a week and there was a restraining order put into place. When the DA dropped the charges (at my STUPID request), we began talking again and idiotically got back together.



His records have been expunged, but the stain on his memory keeps me hostage in this marriage (“You owe me *****!” “We were making more money then – you lost work then [gee, I wonder why?], now I can’t afford all the things I want because of you and what you did – I won’t pass a background check if I want to get more work…You leave when I decide I’m done with you, etc.”).



We’re both professionals that work at home. I do not want to ruin his reputation – I simply wish to never know him or see him again. And although he no longer hits, kicks, strangles me, or sits on my chest, he throws me immediately into a panic attack as soon as he opens his mouth.



I hate waking up in the morning because I never know which husband will greet me: The sullen one? The depressed one? The one that is in a rage over every past infraction?



I want to leave with my three pets, but I am petrified to go. He is always home so there is little time for me to be away from him.



He even “made” me stop using a mild tranquilizer so the panic is much more intense during his tantrums.



I already know the advice you will give – and I’m not sure I’m even asking for advice as much as I am in need of venting.



He wants to begin snow-birding this autumn and I fear I will not make it alive back home. I cry daily and sleep on the other side of the house from the kitchen so I often run out of cold water, coffee, and food (to avoid seeing him or waking him).



I do not want to call the cops again – and I have no physical evidence of the abuse at this point. I don’t know if the neighbors hear him – no one has called the police, nor has anyone asked if I’m OK.



I’m attempting to clean my filthy house (well, I’m being forced under great duress and with a lot of verbal putdowns – AND – ironically, at the expense of my work) so I can leave here with a clear head.



I’m have entertained – no wrong word – decided – that I may get out of this only if I commit suicide, which I don’t want to do. I don’t want to leave my “kids” with him and I don’t want to devastate my family and friends.



If I go to a shelter for assistance, would they send someone to wait with me while I move out? And – do I have to get another restraining order? I don’t want to create more problems for myself by “stabbing him in the back again” (“you *****)!”).



He actually feels justified in what he’s done and feels that, if anyone has had to endure what he has, the masses would not only agree with him and bestow upon him a medal; they would likely beat the living hell out of me (he includes Gandhi & Mother Theresa among his “proponents.”).



So – I do have a question. Did I create this mess with my lack of true love for him, with my drinking, with my domestic apathy? Am I really being abused? He claims that I am the abuser!

I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am not allowed to have my own feeling or opinions and If I express any kind of emotion other than happiness, my husband gets pissed. He has control of all of our money and accounts. When I get paid, he will take out my "allowance" out of the bank and it will have to last me for the next two weeks, until I get paid again. My family and friends don't really know of what goes on in my marriage. I am very ashamed of how he treats me and also how he has started treating our 8 yr. old son. Tonight, he came after me after I slammed a door. I locked myself in the bathroom and he literally broke the door down. Once he got inside the bathroom he did not physically touch me, but he did get in my face and screamed at me for giving him an attitude because I have my period. Like I said, I am not allowed to show any emotion other than happiness. I told him that I am going to leave and take my son with me. He said to go ahead that my son was a "mamma's boy" anyway, and that he did not care if I left. I told him that he needed to see a psychiatrist because he did not act like a normal person. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I am sick to my stomach because I have a wonderful, smart son who I know is going to be affected by all this. Please somebody help!

Leave the piece of ****. Not good for you or your son. You need to be strong and protect your son from this abusive environment.

I have been in an abuse relationship for 6 yeArs I want to leave but scared. I have anxiety all the time and am afraid to be a single mom. I don't want to stay and I don't want to leave . We have no relationship and he has done so much damage I have always

Had on foot out the door. He uses my daughter as a pawn. Help me get away and free myself

Finally leaving after 26 years of hell!!

I'm in my second marriage of 15 1/2 yrs. I need to know how to leave him. Once I threatened he went to the bank and took my name off the acct. and dropped all credit cards. Help

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 10 yrs. everything was always my fault, I was fat, lazy, ghetto, and uneducated. I always thought he would change..... But no. We have 2 daughters 7 and 9. I chose to leave when my 9yr old told me she hated the way her dad was and didn't want him around. I asked for nothing.... I took my girls, some clothes and photo albums and left. I'm never looking back. I'm excited about the future...... You can leave.... Just take the first step.

I have to get out of here very soon. Last night I sat and wondered how many pills it would take to kill myself. My husband of 10 years is verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling and has been in the past physically 'rough'. I left about 2 months ago for 10 days, but he was relentless in contacting my family and friends and was planning his suicide if I didn't come back. I was so afraid that he would, that I did come back. He made me all sorts of promises including getting psychiatric help and going on medication; neither of which happened. He was "scared". Then he decided that we should BOTH go to a therapist. That lasted for about 4 visits, until he was convinced that the doctor and I were talking behind his back and I was coaching the doctor on what to ask him. He has not refused ANY counseling and is back to his abusive self. He made me read bible passages to him the other night because I am a Christian (he is not) about my being a submissive wife. It's worse now than it's ever been. Walking on eggshells is getting really old just to keep my sanity and his insanity at bay. Please help me...somebody! Oh, by the way, I am a full-time telecommuter in my job and all my equipment is here at the house which makes things even more complicated. What about my personal sentimental items? He is retired and NEVER leaves the house except for maybe an hour at a time. Can someone please help me?? Any and all information would be helpful.

I hope by the time I am writing this, you are already out of that sick relationship. If not, please, just get angry! But not in a destructive way, think about you being the one of a kind and how much you can and will enjoy in life without him. Get angry and make a plan, you have to be smart. If you only have an hour a day, you will need a very careful plan how to escape during that hour. Everything has to be prepared and planned without him knowing it.

I have read all the comments and can relate in so many ways. I have been with a controlling husband for almost 10 years. We have 2 boys together and I don't want them growing up thinking that kind of behavior is okay. I am so unhappy. I have wanted to leave for sometime, but I feel like my feet are stuck in cement. He has been so controlling that I feel like I am not allowed to leave. I am 33 years old and he treats me like a child. One of the main reasons I am afraid to leave is because I am afraid he will try to take the boys away from me. I am a good mom and am the main caretaker, but he calls me lazy and I know he will try to take the boys out of spite. Whenever something goes wrong in his life, somebody has to be at blame, and that somebody has always been me. I know it is unhealthy and I have tried talking to him about it, but he always blames me and we never get anywhere.

I am so grateful for all the women who have written these. I have been through all the stages of living in a controlled enviroment. Took me a long time to realize it! Thought i was just crazy, wanted to disappear many times, wished I was dead many times, i beleive from recent depression.I have three kids have been married 27 years and he has told me for that long how wrong divorce is and how bad it is for kids. My daughter recently divorced after 3 years(another control issue) realizing she did not want to end up like her parents! (smart girl!)

I know I need to just leave but the guilt is huge and scared most definitely. I have a major fear of disappointment from my parents. Any advise out there would be greatly appreciated.

I have come to realize several months ago that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. It has taken me quite some time (8-9 months) to first; excuse it, rationalize and justify it, cry about it, refuse it, let go of it and slowly ACCEPT it. I have now decided to leave. I have wanted to do this for a while but was to afraid. Even today, as strong as I can be, I can still doubt myself. This is caused mostly out of fear and guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to abandon him, for wanting to throw away "our" dreams, for hurting him, for being so disconnected, ect. Of course I know this is quite silly, but this is how I feel. I also feel very angry and resentful...angry at myself for allowing to be treated this way, angry for not leaving sooner, angry for feeling bad for him, angry for being so afraid of a future that will be AMAZING, angry at him for treating me this way. However, I have come to accept that this may be a challenge needed in order to be able to help someone else later on. Somehow, this thought makes me feel better. I am still planing on how/when to leave. I still experience doubt but also feel very excited and hopeful to start my new journey. What helps me through my negative thoughts are affirmations such as “I forgive you for not being who I want you to be” “I am strong enough” “I can do it”. Also, songs such as “ stronger” by Kelly Clarkson and “Alive” by Jlo. I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts while walking through this challenge myself. I hope to possibly inspire someone since you have inspired me. Thank you

Problem is that I need his love. I need it almost more than air. My father was abusive and I did not feel loved. When my husband is good to me I feel that I am walking in the clouds of happiness. It used to be just every once in a while he was mad at me and punished me for not being good enough. All verbal abuse. Belittling, with holding love, not noticing me, treating me like a disgusting bug, mind games intent of proving how bad I am. But the chain of abuse is now to where it is rare that he is nice. And those are the times that I will miss. Dancing in the swimming pool to his favorite songs, massaging his back and shoulders and then him wrapping his arms around me as a thank you. The drunk confessions of how much he loves me and needs me. This is the problem or I could be doing what I am doing with out the deep deep down sadness that is pulling me into tears. Oh yes, I am leaving. I never would have left except he threatened divorce and I took him seriously. And then he reconciled... And I realized how happy and elated I was with the prospect of divorce ... To be free of the constant abuse, dragging down my soul, taking away my carefree happy sunshine that my friends and family used to see. So now I am leaving and for the first time I really told him who he is and that I knew about his evilness inside. So now he is even more disgusted with me and laughs at my stupidity of leaving. Now I will be poor... I haven't been allowed to work outside the home and getting a job will be difficult. But you know what? It is the right thing to do. There is not perfect solution. Staying and leaving are both difficult. Staying is suicide of my soul. Leaving at least gives me a chance. Addiction to love.... Not good. Staying with abuse... Not good. Bravery to start new... Very good. Be strong my friends. Hope. Never give up. Love yourself. Love others. Pray. Pray harder than you have ever prayed before.

wow, I can relate to all of you. I have bags packed and yet I sit here workilng up the courage to leave. I am 48 years old, but still want some kind of future. There is a lot to be said for peace of mind. That is something that I do not have right now.

Counseling does not work, talking does not work and fighting does not work either. I have done all of them and he somehow thinks that everything is just fine.

Can't take much more...

Question - What if your husband is trying to change? Trying to get help but still beating you in the meantime? I hear you guys story about your husband dont want to get help and drinking and ect. But, my husband is a Minister..I know dont laugh..but the abusive demon will not break loose of him. We are christians but I am scared. Also, Child Services is in our lives and he can use some things against me to why I cannot leave. So, I am stuck!!!!!

Ditto my life, married 22 years, 3 kids, our life seemed perfect, but it wasn't good enough for him, he made unloving choices and then blamed his bad behavior on me! emotional abuse, control, etc,



I am leaving in August!