That Moment When...

That moment when I'm having a relatively okay evening, the silver lining that everyone is always going on about. That one ray of light that pierces the cloud veil and for just a few minutes I feel like I can carry on for another day. I pick up my guitar and play along with the stereo.  I'm singing well, I'm playing well, and for that moment I'm the closest to legitimately happy that I've been for weeks.  I'm singing Spiderwebs by No Doubt.  Then I'm singing Sunday Morning.  Then I'm singing Magic's In The Makeup and Simple Kind Of Life.  

Halfway through Don't Let Me Down the brain dredges up a random memory from when I was 19 or so.  Back when I still felt like life was in front of me.  When I didn't feel like an abject failure.  When I still had some desire to wake up in the morning, be better today than I was yesterday, and all that bullshit.  When I still had a job.  When I still had a car.  When I still had cash in my pocket.  When I had something besides cheap generic breakfast cereal in my stomach.  When I still had friends.  When I still had hope for the future.  When I could still sleep, albeit rarely, without constant reminders of my shortcomings in the waking world.  When superficial bullshit gets compounded by deeper emotional problems and everything becomes a train wreck in slow motion, and try as I might I just can't avert the disaster or even look away.   

That moment when I go from "the closest to legitimately happy that I've been for weeks" to "somewhere between utterly depressed and blind seething rage."  That moment when I return to that cold, dark, and familiar place that it seems I can never leave. 

That moment when I say for the nth time that I can't live like this any more.  That moment when I decided I'm tired of liquidating my personal possessions every two years or less in the interest of having food, clothing, and shelter.  That moment when I decide I'm tired of lying to myself, tired of pretending that it's all right.  Tired of pretending that it will get better, because it can't get a hell of a lot worse.  Tired of pretending that I can make it through the night, much less the next day.  The next month.  The next year.  **** all of it.  I've had enough of this.  That moment when I don't care if I live or die, when I don't know if there's any point to either option but I know there's no third option.

That moment when tears sting my eyes, and I don't know if they're tears of depression, tears of anger, or tears of sheer exasperation. 

That moment when I want to see something as broken as I feel. 

That's the moment I unstrapped my guitar, gripped it by the neck with both hands like a baseball bat, and swung as hard as I ******* could, right through the screen of my television. 

That's the moment when I didn't know if I wanted to scream or cry, so I went with the latter.  Long after my playlist ran out of music, it was just me and the silence and tears.  That's the moment I wished I had a roommate, had a friend, had an enemy, had someone, anyone.  The moment when I wished I's not important, and saying anything more about it here would just make people worry.  I don't want that.

That's the moment I'm still struggling to leave.  The moment when I keep trying to tell myself "this too shall pass," and actually believe it.  That moment when I need to find a way to step aside and let it pass.  That moment when I need to reach inside for whatever strength I have left.

That moment when I feel so ******* trapped by situation and circumstance, by choices and decisions, whether or not I knew at the time I was choosing or deciding to walk this path.  That moment when I feel like there's a cliff to my back and the barbarians that the gate just couldn't keep out in front of me.  When I feel like I've absolutely no more ground left to give without falling off the edge.  When I'm doing everything in my power and to the best of my ability to invoke my inner Spartan, clinging tightly to shield and spear, knowing full well that if I don't fight I'll fall...  I've been there before a few times, and I hope I still have enough fight left in me to gain some ground back.  An inch or a mile, I don't care, I just need room to breathe.

To everyone who's been so kind to me, you have my heartfelt thanks.  I couldn't have asked for better friends on this site, or in this life.  I've been in a very dark place and you've listened to my thoughts, and for that I am more grateful than mere words can express.  If I could, I'd buy all of you a drink or a joint or your other poison of choice.  I feel like I owe you that much.   

DoctorBastardo DoctorBastardo
31-35, M
2 Responses Oct 19, 2013

You are so cool..

move to texas and i'll help you out any way i can. i can even get my ******* roommate kicked out so you'll have a cheap place to stay.